"Elsa ! What the fuck are you doing !?"
She wasn't expecting him before it was ten pm. He wasn't supposed to come back this early and mess everything up again.
So, when he roughly grabbed her by the elbows and lifted her out of the icy cold water, every feeling that invaded her surprised her. From the burning warmth of his hands to the coldness of the outside air biting her wet skin. His voice rang in her ears, her hearing was still blurred by what was left of the water she had kept her head under for minutes.
"Goddamn it Elsa ! What the hell crossed your mind !" he angrily shouted at her, his grip on her elbows tightening at every second passing by, actually tighter than he had ever held her.
She moaned, her throbbing head inflicting a striking pain to her. It was becoming unbearable, adding to that the weight of her long wet platinum locks.
She jerked her head backward - even if it meant that her hair weighed more than before - and squeezed her eyes shut as she thought it might ease the painful sound in her ears and that was reverberating throughout her brain.
She allowed her lips to let out a deep sigh of relief when one of Hans' warm hands left her arm and found its way to the back of her head. He slowly, carefully brought it forward, and although her eyes were still closed, she could feel his penetrating gaze upon her.
"Look at me, Elsa." he whispered, but she knew very well that it was an order.
He had ceased to yell, that she was silently grateful for. She obeyed, her sapphire blue eyes fluttering open, and they instantly met his gaze. It was one of those gazes that could undress her just by staring at her - not that she wasn't already naked, and soaked wet - and make her so weak that she wouldn't be able to fight back. Her current state was already making her vulnerable.
She glanced away. He was the only one who could ever disarm her that
fast.
"I said, look at me." he repeated, his voice steady.
It took her all her might to utter an answer, it was so tiring she thought her brain might explode form the effort.
"I can't." was all she could manage to say, and she kept her voice low not to accentuate her killing headache.
Immediately afterward, she felt his hand slightly squeeze her head and force her to stop avoiding the inevitable eye contact.
"H-hans..." she breathed out as she tried to loosen his grip with one of her hands. "Please..." she pleaded, the pain getting the best of her while she tried to keep her powers under control.
"You wouldn't want me to hurt you now, would you ? Because I wouldn't, either." he confessed, well aware of what she would answer. "Now listen."
He waited for her to show that yes, she would at last be listening to him. It took her a long time to realize he was actually waiting. Her mind was devoid of any clear idea, everything was a blur or some kind of question she burned to ask to the man that had gotten her head over heels, but that she thought wiser to keep to herself.
Conceal, don't feel.
"Is life this unbearable that you'd rather leave its game instead of fighting ?" he finally inquired, apparently sick of waiting for something that would not come.
She could see it like she could see the water filling the bathtub she was in. It was obvious, she knew it just by looking at his lips. The way they curled when he spoke, accompanied with a slight roll of his eyes betrayed his boredom.
His question was kind of embarrassing for that she had no real idea what to reply. Whatever she would say could be held against her. And what valuable reason could she give to making an attempt on her own life ?
She had none. That was the truth. Actually, there wasn't any.
"I'm sorry." she muttered, but perhaps she had blurted it out too brutally.
"Being sorry is not enough." he sighed, removing his hands from her and letting go while he stood up. "Not anymore."
His gaze was still on her. A mix of disappointment, and misunderstanding, incomprehension. There was a huge hole between the two of them right at this moment, and she was slipping out of his reach, one more time.
"How can I keep on saving you if even you are not able to save yourself ?" he asked, biting his lower lip. "From yourself..." he mumbled, shaking his head.
The void invading her spirit was completely blinding her. She was no less than a stranger to herself and, consequently, to anyone else. How could she remain close to somebody else then if she couldn't even stay safe around her own soul ? Everything felt like a dream. Like nothing out there was truly happening, albeit it truly felt real. Like she was already dead inside that empty envelope they called a body but that had always felt more like a prison.
Hans took a few steps backward and absently studied her while her grabbed his wife's towel that was laying on the chair, properly folded, and handed it to her.
"Hans, I-"
He insistantly held the towel out, silencing her.
She reluctantly seized it and unfolded it before her soaked frame as she cautiously stood up too, and she tightly wrapped it around her frail body. As she was about to step out of the bathtub, her auburn-haired husband - she had long forgotten how she loved that red mane of his - approached and leaned closer, slipping an arm around her small waist protectively, the other one laying under her knees. He brought her close to him and lifted her like a newly wed husband would carry his wife. Just like he had done years before, when they had finally said yes to each other and linked their lives forever. He had never stopped to carry her that way, because he knew she loved it. But at that moment, Elsa wondered if he had truly noticed that he was doing it.
Her two hands on his shoulders, she nested her head in the crook of his neck as he squeezed her body tight against him like his life depended on it.
"Elsa..." he breathed, laying his chin on top of her platinum head. "You saved me from death..." he began, his voice filled with sobs he was trying to hide away.
She could hear it cracking, and it literally split her hear in two pieces of frosted flesh.
"How is that possible.." he continued, and it took him all the strength he could gather to end his sentence. "... that you're not able to save your own life ?"
She couldn't hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall when his words reached her ears. When she started to weep, he put her down on her feet and held her shoulders at one arm length from him. He brought his forefinger under her chin and lifted it so their eyes would meet, his thumb rubbing her trembling lower lip.
"Why ? Why Elsa?"
Those words barely came to her, she guessed her mind was trying to ignore them, just because she could never find an answer.
"Why have you done this again ?" he quietly asked as he wiped the fresh tears away from her perfectly sculptured face.
Or to avoid having to reply with the classic 'I don't know' thing.
It made absolutely no sense to her. Those words were meaningless, like they had never existed, like it was a spoken language she did not know. Barely understandable, if not at all. She felt remorseful for the pain she saw when she glanced into his bright emerald green eyes. A pain she was the cause of. Still, she was unsure whether she really regretted her very act or not.
Goddamn it.
He cupped her face, his hands covering her jawlines and his fingers laying behind her ears.
"Wouldn't you have missed plenty of things, sweet nothings may they be ?" he inquired, pulling her closer. "Wouldn't you miss this ?" he whispered as he leaned in closer and crushed his lips on her icy cold ones.
She placed her hands on his hips. It was the kiss. One of those he perfectly knew she wouldn't live without, and he wouldn't either. One that had proven to the world they would fight against all odds to end up together, whatever people would say. One that showed they had succeeded. He had just played his ace. And, to her own surprise, she kissed back after letting go a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding yet. She deepened the kiss, internally fearing it would be the last she'd get from him. Because this is the thingd that seem to be meaningless that really matter and that you'd end up missing albeit you wouldn't notice it.
When the both of them were out of breath, they parted lips, their foreheads leaning against each other's.
Of course she would have missed all those things. Her supposed-to-be last thoughts had been directed toward them, but she couldn't ignore the bliss that had filled her when she no longer fought to keep her head above the water. It had felt so unreal, like she could breath underwater. But soon the reality had flooded in her mind, forcing her to open her eyes ans realize the water couldn't keep her safe from whatever she was trying to chase away, from the monster she had always been afraid of and that was sleeping inside : herself.
"I don't want to be alone anymore, Hans..." she confessed, still unable to hold back the tears she tought she could and that were rolling on her cheeks.
"Shhh..." he hushed her, placing his forefinger on her soft mouth. "It is gonna be alright..." he wrapped his arms around her waist and her shoulders as she tangled her fingers in his hair, her body against his, again. "You are not alone. I swear on my life you'll never be alone again, Elsa."
He held onto her for dear life, like his depended on hers only. Consequently, making an attempt on her life was exactly like making an attempt on his. Because she had saved him once, when she was the only one who would've done it, when it seemed that the whole world was against him except her.
Feeling... (Don't !)
"You should get dressed for bed." he reminded her, breaking the silence that had naturally taken its place and embraced the two of them. "I'd like to remain a gentleman tonight, if you see what I mean." he explained while pulling away.
It wasn't the moment to think about that. He knew it, and he knew that she would have missed this as well. Mentioning it might have made her realize. At least he could hope so.
He went to her closet to pick up a nightgown for her. Although she could do it by herself, he feared she would try something he was aware she wouldn't right at this moment. Wasn't it absolutely normal after living that ?
He was so caring, and she couldn't even tell the same about herself. She had literally saved him, but what was that for if he was meant to live this way forever ? He had saved her too, more than only once, and she was still defying him without she even realized she was. She caught herself eyeing the bottle of sleeping pills - again -, when-
"I brought another towel to dry your hair." he declared as he came behind her and carefully wrapped it around her platinum blonde locks, making her realize she hadn't moved the slightest from the exact point where he had left her. "Here's your nightgown, you look absolutely stunning in it." he confessed, unable to keep this compliment for himself as he already pictured his wife wearing it in his mind.
He stepped in front of her and gestured to the chair where he put the nightgown down. He saw the heat growing to her cheeks and her gaze was still fixed on the ground before her.
"C'mon, I'm not watching you." he pouted, turning around. "Besides, I've seen you in less, do you realize that ?" he peeked his head over his shoulders and tried his best to smile genuinely at her, encouraging her to change into that nightgown he had chosen for her with no further motive.
Checking on her husband to make sure he wasn't looking at her, she decided to obey. She had caused enough troube.
"And by the way, don't you dare trying something silly." he warned her, perhaps was it just to blame her even more, it seemed obvious she would remain calm around him.
She somehow understood him, because she should be feeling guilty for that. And he should be much more infuriating. She wondered if he truly had realized what had happened.
She cautiously eyed him sitting on the chair, her nightgown laying onto his lap. It was only after she had made sure that his eyes were closed that she allowed herself to drop the towel and put her underwear on.
He wasn't watching. If he was, he would've gasped, or at least let a discreet smirk creep on his face.
She awkwardly tip toed to him, twiddling with her fingers. She reached out a shaky hand to grab the aforesaid nightgown.
"I'm done." she stated after a few seconds, and she was still standing in the middle of the bathroom.
"Come."
His tone was firm and ordering, and she couldn't say she was fond of discussing about that. It would take hours to talk with him, especially since it was the nth time they'd found themselves in that exact same situation. She often wondered how he could keep on supporting her and having he same talk over and over again. Normal people would've fled away. Or perhaps was his love for her blinding him, or at least it prevented him to consider the idea of running away of his wife. But there was also the result of their love that tied the bond between them and that surely was the reason number one why he didn't want to leave. Because he loved her more than aything, too. She assumed he wanted to stay for the both of them, because he actually loved them and believed saving her was worth the effort of staying by her side.
She sighed.
She wouldn't be done with that discussion soon. There was plenty of unspoken words that had to be said between them. And it was the moment to allow them out of their mouths. No, this would definitely not be like every other time they talked about it. They would remember it. Because he wouldn't let her go.
In the dim light of the night, she noticed Hans' shape sitting on the edge of the bed and gesturing for her to do the same. She hesitated, and so she found herself standing stupidly for the third time that evening when the doors swung open.
"Mama ! Papa !" the toddler burst into her parents' bedchambers, not showing the slightest bit of pity toward the doors she had so violently sent against the walls despite her young age.
"Emma !" Hans exclaimed, opening his arms wide as a bright smile instantly illuminated his features.
His daughter didn't wait for more to run toward him and throw herself in his warm embrace. As his grip on her tightened, he stared blankly at his wife, and when Emma pulled away and turned toward her mother, it seemed to intenfisy.
"What's happening here ?" she asked, her small hands resting on her father's shoulders. "Mama ?"
Hans' emerald green eyes looked back at her lovingly and he cupped her rosy cheeks with his hand.
"Nothing worth talking about, sweetheart." he reassured her but couldn't prevent himself to spare a disapproving glare at his wife, who was biting nervously at her lower lip while digging her nails deep into her other arm.
"Fine. Good night then Papa." the young blonde-haired girl approached her father to kiss him on the cheek, which gesture he returned to her before she bounced happily toward her mother.
She lifted her arms up in the air to reach for her, and those green eyes of her that reminded Elsa so much of Hans' made her heart sink. She internally cursed herself.
She slowly knelt down beside her daughter who threw her arms around her neck while she wrapped hers protectively around her tiny frame.
"Good night my love. Sleep well." she whispered in Emma's ear as they exchanged light kisses.
"Good night Mama, love you !" Emma yelled then pullled away and crossed the room to the doors she carefully closed behind her when she left.
Neither Hans nor Elsa had moved from their spot, but Hans' expression had noticeably darkened.
"Do you think she would 'sleep well' if she was aware that her beloved mother had attempted to end her own life" he hissed yet paused, "again ?" he added, spitting words like venom. "How can you forget about her, how can you be so selfish ?" he inquired, his tone increasing as his eyes uncontrallably welled up with tears he didn't want to show.
"Hans please, don't start it." she sighed, holding back the tears that would not take a long time to fall as well.
They were both in the same state. She started wondering if seeing their daughter had caused him to fully understand their current situation, and what she had done again. It always seemed to restart, like each time this happened, it was the first time. Like he wasn't able to handle it because no matter how many times she would do that, it would always be that painful for him. And he always reacted in different ways. But one day, there would be no reaction at all.
"Oh dear Lord." he sighed, his elbows on his lap as he brushed his face with his hands before letting his arms fall in between his thighs. "Please, remind me who's started it ?"
By the moment she finally looked up, he was already standing beside her, but she couldn't find the force to stand up as well.
"You have everything everyone would be dreaming of, yet you're not satisfied." he accused her, glancing at her with such pity reflected in his eyes that it gave her the feeling she was going to throw up.
"Happiness doesn't rest upon material goods." she snapped, retching as she glared at him. "I thought you, of all people, would know that."
"What is that supposed to mean ?" he asked, his eyes widening considerably.
"We both come from a Royal family, but I don't believe you were happy as a child, bullied by the rest of your brothers." she explained, careful to the tone she used to speak of such a sensitive subject. "Of course, we had and still have all we want, but it all comes with strings. Our lives are made upon responsabilies. Endless responsabilities. See : we have power, we have to take care of a whole kingdom and of each and every villager, we get a crown, and it is the officil symbole of that role, and the list goes on, Hans."
She studied his face as she caught her breath, but it displayed no sign of emotion She could just tell he was listening and still attempting not to let tears roll down his cheeks.
"Happiness is a psychological state. That's no lie when they say money doesn't make it.
"But our family ? Doesn't Emma make you happy ? Doesn't Anna ? Don't I make you happy ?" he asked, his voice cracking as he let the flood of tears stain his face another time.
Her gaze instantly softened. It was her faute.
"Hans-" she tried to speak, her eyes wet as well knowing she had caused her husband to wonder if he was really able to assure her happiness.
"I love you." he cut her off. "You know that there's absolutely nothing in this world I cherish more than you and Emma." he declared, kneeling down beside her to bring his face at her height. "Why haven't you informed me about that, about you fears, your thoughts ? You know you can speak freely to me, there's absolutely nothing I can't hear, I don't believe being that narrow-minded." he whispered to her, hoping this would also soothe her and calm her down.
The silence was embarrassing. This was the moment she should've chosen to speak, she had plenty of things to say, but right at this moment, she couldn't find anything. A huge mistake.
He sighed, looking away.
"I didn't think being such a bad husband for you, you should've told me if I wasn't worthy enough..."
Her eyes widened without she even realized it.
"No !" she shouted - too loudly, perhaps - and threw har arms toward him, grabbing his shoulders with both hands and desperately holding onto him. "No..." she repeated, realizing how far this was leading them, and Hans could feel her trembling uncontrollably.
"Then what's the matter Elsa ? I though I could save you, that I could bring you joy and happiness despite my past actions, but it looks like even that doesn't work with me !" he shouted, stomping his fist on the floor, startling her. "I'm not even able to do that ! So please, tell me, what's the problem here ?" he begged, and she couldn't feel guiltier, because he had much more value than she believed she did."What's the problem...?" he cried, and the sound of her husband weeping split her heart in pieces.
She wanted to show him sympathy, to hug him and never let go of him, to be the one who, for once, would comfort him. But instead, she withdrew her hands from his shoulders and brought them on her lap. There was a question to answer, wasn't there ?
"I am." she naturally stated.
"Don't you dare saying this." he snapped, immediately stopping the tears to fall. "Don't you dare thinking this." he repeated, cupping her cheeks with his hands and bringing her closer.
Tireness could be noticed both in his voice and upon his features. And fear, too.
"You're not the problem Hans, because no woman could ever dream of having a better husband than you, no woman could be happier than I should be, by your side, with our daughter, a loving sister and brother-in-law, and surrounded by people who have forgiven both you and I for what we've done and accepted me like I am, with my power which I have never wanted. It's the life I've always longed for, but still, I'm not satisfied, and I can't even explain why. I'm the matter in all of this bullshit." she confessed, the tears flooded back and blurred her vision again, because as much as she hated to admit that, it was nothing more or less than the truth.
"I guess some people are quite afraid of happiness itself." he says, and she doesn't know what's the link between that statement and what she just confessed. "And the biggest life you'll ever receive comes from life, but that doesn't mean you need to jump of the cliff, nor do you have to think you're the problem." he whispered, staring straight into her bright blue eyes that reminded him how he had fallen for her until getting head over heels for her.
But the despair that they dismayed was much more overwhelming that it had ever been before. They didn't seem to glow anymore.
You don't have to be afraid.
"You asked me what the problem was. It's just a mere answer, like plenty of others..." she trailed off, avoiding his gaze.
Hans didn't know whether it was the fact that she wasn't lying about that or that she felt this desperate that pained him the most. Or if it was that he couldn't possibly help her.
"I'm truly deeply sorry to tell you that, perhaps I shouldn't, but I want to, and may the Lords forgive me for speaking that way." he began, removing his hands from her.
"Come to the point Hans."
He sighed, the idea of having such selfish words making him uneasy.
"Do you even realize how painful it is for me to see you attempting helplessly to leave this world behind, and to understand that, no matter how hard I try, my efforts to save you from whatever it is that scares the hell out of you are completely useless ?" he blurts out and instantly realizes how tactlessly he's just said that.
In spite of this, he doesn't make any attempt to correct himself. He finally drops the subject, because yeah, she's silent again.
"Elsa." he states firmly, "I owe you my life, do you understand that ? I owe you my life." he insisted.
"I owe you mine too." came Elsa's soft answer, an answer he longed to hear.
"Still I wonder what does life truly mean to you. It doesn't even seem to have as much value as it has for me." he slowly stood up, his hands wrapped around hers to help her on her feet.
He bit his lip for what he said again and spared her a sympathetic glance, which she would have seen if she wasn't focused on brushing the dust away of her nightgown.
"I don't know either." she reluctantly admitted.
A few seconds passed and everything remained still, like frozen in place.
"Death doesn't scare me, you know."
"I beg your pardon ?" he asked, taking a hold of her wrists and pulling her toward him so that she was forced to look at him.
She squeezed his hand slightly.
"I've never been afraid of dying, Hans. Except that day on the North Mountain, but you already know that, you were here." she clarified, and he flinched at the mention of that pas evnet. "Anyway, I never bothered to think of death at any other moment in my life. That's what I thought would make life easier to go through."
She couldn't tell if her sentences were making any sense. What else could seh do ? She didn't even know what was to do next.
"I can't live fearing to die." she continued to explain when she noticed the skeptical look on his face. "If you think too much about it, it obsesses you, and you just cease to live, because it's like climbing up a cliff when you know you'll fall off at the very second you'll reach its top. It's like being already dead inside." she cleared, but her expression suddenly became darker. "I had never thought I'd get this close to death one day so soon... I mean, I didn't expect to feel this confident with it that I'd no longer care."
"Elsa..."
"I'm so sorry you have to hear this from my mouth." she apologizes without giving him some time to speak. "You're right." she stated with a voice that showed surrender and that wasn't meant to be discreet. "Even I can't save myself. From myself."
"I prefer when you tell me all of this than when you keep your worries to yourself, Elsa. I think you've been alone enough for the rest of your days. And believe me, there will be plenty. We need you in our lives, just think of us, of Anna. I told her nothing all the times you tried that silly thing, but now I think she deserves to know. You should talk to her."
"She'll hate me."
"She can't. She'll never be able to hate you, and she already told you that plenty of times. She will always be there for the one who sacrified her freedeom for her safety during years." he reminded her, bringing her slender body in a tight embrace.
"Tell me," she began as she nested her head in the crook of his neck, "we both matter, then ?" At least to each other's eyes. She thought but didn't say it out loud.
He chuckled nervously.
"I guess so, yes. Be sure you'll always be the brightest source of light that will shine in my life."
Their lips naturally collided, because each other's support was everything that mattered right at this moment. She needed help, and only her sister could reason with her.
(She finally knew what she had to do next.)