A/N: This is a before 'You Were Meant For Me' one shot. A reader read that story (one of my favorites) the other day and requested a prequel. I think I might do that after 'Foolish Games'. Anyway, I was feeling a little down today and needed to right myself before picking up the FG, so you get this for now. I may add to it, I may not.

I feel like I am dying. The truth of the situation, the reality is setting in, my denial is starting to fade and the gravity of the doctors words are setting in. I don't want to believe them, I don't want them to be true.

I want to go back to 24 or hell 48 hours earlier when I was insanely happy and in love with the woman of my dreams. I want to go back to the comfort of that time. The idea of being able to hold her in my arms still a possibility.

Now there is nothing but darkness. A cold hard consuming feeling overwhelming all my senses. A feeling I had locked out of my heart, a feeling that I had refused for so many years to be allowed in, but with her it happened. She entered my heart without my ability to fight her off. Now I am paying the price.

Sitting on the cold hard tile of the hospital floor, I am completely inconsolable. Tears stream down my cheeks and I don't even try and bother with them. The sound of the sobs escaping me drowning out the world around me. I want to die. I want to follow the memory of her.

My life will never be the same. She changed it in so many ways. The short time we were together wasn't enough. I deserved so much more than this...it's the story of my life. I allow myself to love and then it's gone. It's why I push people away. It's why I live in my mind, it's a safer world for me, for my heart.

I am half aware of her mother trying to hold me. The doctor ordering the nurse to administer the sedative. The room going dark. I don't want the world to fade this way...

It's not fair my dreams are plagued with her voice and her face...it's not real, it's not fair, nothing's fair. Why was Alexandra taken from me. Why am I forced to continue living.

The weight that sits on my heart. The smile I fake. It's all pointless. Everything's pointless. Nothing causes me to laugh. Just days ago I laughed all the time. I smiled because I was in love and I felt safe and reassured by her presence in this world. Now I am alone. So all alone.

I sit in Violet's office and she comments on the blotchy hives that cover my chest. She tells me they are stress hives. Great, one more thing to add to my list of issues today. Work should be fun answering questions about blotchy red hives and why I don't want to remove my sunglasses. Maybe I will take a leave of absence. No one new about the depth of our relationship. It would be weird to confess it now.

She's in my veins. She's in my mind, my heart, my soul, but she isn't really. I need to cope, to move on, but I don't want to.

I want to reset the clock. I want to hit the return button, to start over from the beginning again. Her magical mysterious side. To feel all those feelings again. To hear her beautiful voice to feel loved and found desirable. To not be scared of the unknown, to dream of the future.

But alas, I lie in my bed alone. My Alexandra is gone. A death threat carried out. I look at the nightstand, the only thing remaining is a picture of her. It's not fair. Life isn't fair. It's a sad reminder of what I had and how it's gone now.