Terri Mackleberry Comes Out As Objectùm-Sexual

Note: If you want to learn more about this orientation, you can read about it at: /

Terri was more nervous about the prom than most. It was not on account of her dress, which she knew she would fit into and look great in. Nor was it a worry about whether or not the one she wanted to go with would go with her. It was without question that Jenny would.

It was also without question that Jenny was a chair. To say she found a chair beautiful in an aesthetic sense – everyone would understand that. But to say she was in love with and sexually attracted to a chair, as most would be to a person – would anyone understand that? Still, Terri knew she could not live a lie forever. This was the age when all her friends were coming out, and she could surely be brave enough to join them.

The prom was, as Terri had expected, painfully low-budget. Most were either dancing with their partners or sitting in a corner. None had dared to try Springfield's idea of formal dinner food, nor had anyone yet asked for a certain song to be played. Terri twirled her hair nervously, then gasped as she looked up to see Lisa Simpson arrive.

Many had doubted, and with good reason, that Lisa would bother showing up for this sad little affair, considering she had not only been accepted to a very prestigious college but had won an Olympic medal as an equestrian after being given a pony for free due to her talent. Yet there she was, stunning in her fake-fur dress, but though all eyes were on her she herself could see only Terri.

"Why, what's the matter?", asked Lisa.

Terri was surprised at the question, and then more surprised to realize she had been crying without knowing it. The truth poured out.

"I'm just so sad about Jenny", she sobbed.

"Who's Jenny?"

Terri pointed at her chair.

"Um…you know that's a chair, right?"

"Yes! I'm not crazy you know!", Terri burst out. "Sorry, I'm just- I'm just so sensitive about this. Look, it's like this – I believe that every object has a soul. And I'm objectùm-sexual; I love and I'm attracted to objects, the way most people feel about other people. And right now I feel that way about this chair."

"But the chair can't love you."

"I think she does, just like I think of her as a she, because I think she has a soul. And even if not, there are a lot of people who feel love and attraction and nobody doubts that, even though the one they love and are attracted to might not feel the same way about them."

"But…look, is this about Nelson dumping you? 'Cause he's a jerk, let me tell you."

"No. I mean, would you ask that if I had come out as a lesbian after he dumped me? I don't really expect you to understand. But if it makes me happy and doesn't hurt anyone else, is that so bad?"

"You're right," said Lisa, after a pause.

"Look, I only mean…what?"

"Hey, I know what it's like to be different. If something makes people happy and doesn't make the rest of us suffer, well, we could use more of it around Springfield. You wanna play cards till this sad little prom is over? Jenny can hold the cards."

"Sure!" And they did.