The title should be 'Black + White = Fifty-One Point Five Shades of... Whack?', but FFDotNet hates '+', '=', and '...' in titles and summaries, so I had to change it. Voters, feel free to shorten the title, as with any of my longer titled fics - it really is quite a mouthful.

Warnings: None, huzzah!

...Okay, total abuse of the word 'very'. Seriously, I was using it every sentence at one point. To be honest, the whole thing's chock-full of mindless repetition. And there is fluff... Sort of...

Length: 3,595 words.

Time Period: After the Final Duel.

Handicap: 'It must be written in the style of a fairy tale – lots of repetition, extremely simple language, general fairytale elements, a happy ending, maybe a moral… [there's a very long and stupid discussion concerning amongst other things mythological creature usage, princess hair limits (and whether or not YGO cancels those out), talking animal logistics, and chariot driver's licenses here]…oh, and it's not allowed to be a fantasy AU. Has to be telling more than showing, too.'

Telling.

More.

Than.

Showing.

That… that is the one freaking thing I absolutely HATE. I'll put up with spelling errors, grammar errors, things that make no sense (I write those!), but I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAND IT when someone tells me what's going on for the entirety of a fic, and doesn't show it instead, doesn't allow me to think for myself. It drives me straight up the wall. And it makes me use CAPS LOCK, which should be a good indicator of how angry I get.

Writing this is clearly my subconscious's idea of an extremely cruel joke. Or maybe it's trying to tell me something about my totally reasonable hate of a writing element. Either way.

Feedback: As usual, concrit's appreciated. The totally deep questions in bold are on the other fic (or two fics) this time round, XDD.

Black Plus White Equals Whack (Fifty-One Point Five Shades Of It, Too)

or

Black + White = Fifty-One Point Five Shades of... Whack?

Once upon a terrible AU fic that might be considered canon, there was a very handsome young man called Ryou Bakuryo. He had long, white, flowing locks, and very pale skin. He wore a shirt with white and pretty blue stripes, and white jeans, and his fingernails were perfect white. Pinned to his white collar was a white badge with light grey writing and a gold and white crest next to it, and all the little children liked him. They called him the 'White Prince', and they would sit in awe as he turned the clean white pages of a book, sitting on a white swan beanbag, and read to them stories about swans, and White Christmases, and Snow White, and all the wonderfully pure white things in this world. Even Ryou's voice was a wonderfully clean one – a plain white (1) that triggered the imaginations of all the children on the earth. His audience wanted him to fill it with colours of their own desire, and he would oblige, carefully wiping the slate white at the end of each reading session. He had lots of friends who liked him very much, and he liked happy endings.

Ryou ate nothing but white food – meringues and egg whites and rice and rice crackers and maybe sushi – and he drank only milk. He lived in a cream white house, and he had a white Airedale Terrier as a pet, and his mind was as pure and clean as his perfectly blank life. Every morning, he would walk his white dog on a white leash attached to its white collar, right down a white footpath, and then go back to his white house. He would then get into his white car, and drive off down the road, all the way to the library. When he walked in, the place would become a little brighter (though that might have been due to his habit of turning on the white fluorescent lights when he entered), and everything was good.

Ryou liked the world, and the world liked him. He liked the children – but more than anything else, he liked books, and that is why he got a job at the library. Someday, he thought to himself, I will have all the books in the world, and I will share them with everyone so people can all enjoy them.

And in his white, pure little heart, he thought he was right, and the world agreed with him because it liked him.

But there was one person who did not like Ryou, and that was a very ugly young man called Bones Ghostsuebonzaka. His hair was pitch black, and his face was covered in black wrinkles. He wore a black hoodie with sickly yellow stripes and ripped black jeans, and there were even black shadows around his eyes, which were of course black. His palms were always filthy black, the fingernails blacker than night. Pinned to his black hoodie was a black badge with dark grey writing and a silver and black crest next to it, and all the little children were terrified of him. They called him the 'Dark Wizard', and they would sit in terror as he smudged the pages of a book black, sitting on a black crow beanbag, and read to them stories about crows, and Black Sabbaths, and Voldemort, and all the horrible black things in this world. Even Bone's voice was a nasty, dirty one – a pitch black that stifled the imaginations of all the children on the earth. His audience wanted to get as far away from his as possible, but he would keep them captive until he had finished. He no friends at all, because everyone hated him, and he hated happy endings.

Bones ate nothing but black food – chocolate cake and burnt toast and squid ink pasta and charcoal crackers and maybe sushi – and he drank only 'Surly Darkness' beer. He lived in a dark grey house, and he had a black Labrador as a pet, and his mind was as corrupted and polluted as his horribly dark life. Every morning, he would walk his black dog on a black leash attached to its black collar, right down the black road, and then go back to his dark grey house. He would then get into his black car, and drive off down the road, all the way to the library. When he walked in, the place would become a little darker (though that might have been due to his habit of turning off the white fluorescent lights when he entered), and the library staff braced themselves for another bad day.

Bones hated the world, and the world hated him. He hated children – but more than anything else, he hated books, and that is why he got a job at the library. Someday, he thought to himself, I will burn all the books in the world, and no–one will get them. This is a good thing, because no–one will enjoy them anyway.

And in his dark, twisted little heart, he thought he was right, even though the world did not agree with him because it hated him.

One day, Ryou and Bones came to the big grey library at the same time. Ryou got out of his white car, and walked towards the door as he always did. Bones got out of his black car, and walked towards the door as he always did, from the other direction. They met in the middle, in front of the big sliding doors, and they stood and stared and both wished the other would go first.

"Hello", said Ryou, in a very white and beautiful voice.

"Hello", said Bones at exactly the same time, in a very dark and horrible voice.

They talked for a while, then Bones said to Ryou: "I hate you."

And Ryou found this very hard, because he liked the world so much, and the whole world liked him back. He could not understand why someone would not like him. And so he very purely asked why Bones did not like him, and Bones very sinfully explained that he hated everything in general – yes, he hated the whole world.

This troubled Ryou very much indeed. "Why would you hate the world?", he asked, standing on the grey stairs.

"Why wouldn't you?", Bones replied, leaning on the grey rail next to the grey stairs, and Ryou felt rather sad, because he liked the world so much, and couldn't bear to hear someone say such awful things. Then Bones said rather evilly to Ryou, his eyes glittering darkly, "What has the world given you?"

Ryou thought about this for a very long time, but he could not think of anything. And Bones smiled for the first time in a long while, and he said to Ryou: "It has given you nothing. I am much better than you, because I have turned away from the world. I have many things, and all of them are black."

Ryou shook his head, beautiful white locks shifting positions. "The children do not like you."

Bones ran greasy black hands through his black hair, which didn't move. "Maybe not. But I tell better stories."

"Do not!"

"Do so!"

Then they stopped arguing, and looked at each other, and decided that it would be a good idea to have a competition. They would tell lots of stories... actually, they'd just tell one story each for the purposes of not making this story overly long, and whoever told the best story would be the winner. Whoever did not win had to leave the big grey library and never come back.

Ryou was sure that he would win, because the whole world liked him, and so all the people were on his side. "When I win", he said to himself, "I will have the library painted white. And all the shelves will be white, and the carpet too. And I will order copies of all the books in the world, so I can share them with everyone. It will be wonderful."

Bones was sure that he would win, because the whole world hated him, and so all the hounds of hell were on his side. "When I win", he said to himself, "I will have the library burned to black ashes. And all the shelves will be black and scorched, and the carpet too. And I will order copies of all the books in the world, so I can burn them too and no–one will ever get them. It will be wonderful."

The two of them sat on their favourite beanbags on the grey carpet – a white swan for gentle Ryou, and a black crow for vicious Bones, and the children gathered before them. All of Ryou's friends who worked at the big grey library came to watch, and none of Bone's friends came to watch, because he had no friends. The hounds of Hell watched it on the TVs in their kennels, though.

And so, the contest began.

Bones started, and he told a very nasty story.

"Once upon a time,", he said, with hatred in his heart, "there was a person who was not very nice, even though everyone thought he was. His name was Bakura."

Ryou knew that this person was meant to be him, and he felt very angry that Bones would do something like this.

"One day," Bones went on, "Bakura decided that he did not like a certain dashing young man." He leaned forwards. "Do you know what he did?"

"What?", squeaked all the children, and everyone was very scared.

"Well," said Bones, "Bakura took a knife. And he killed the young man, who he did not like." He looked right at his competitor. "One day, the young man came back, calling himself Ghost. He was…" , and there was a pause, "…a ghost! Do you know what happened then?" There was a second dramatic pause, someone squeaked "What?", and Bones smiled craftily at his enemy. "Ghost began to show up Bakura. He told everyone that Bakura was very nasty. And people started to realize that the nice guy wasn't so nice, after all…"

The story went on, and with every word Ryou shook a little more, fingering the rough, black-brown cord in his white jacket pocket. This was the only object he owned that was not white, and it reminded him of a time when he had not been white and perfect. He felt very worried, and began to doubt his perfect whiteness.

Bones smirked in triumph when he saw how shaken Ryou was at the end of his story. "Surely I have won", he said to himself, "for I have made him worry."

And it was true, Ryou was rather worried. "Bone's story is perfect", he said to himself, "his telling is perfect, and it has all shaken me very much. Surely I have lost". But then he saw his friends cheering for him from, and he remembered how much he liked the world, which was very much indeed.

"Once upon a time", he said with liking in his heart, "there was a hateful, lonely little boy. His name was 'Bonz', and he worked with all the crooks, and he hated the world. He played the best card games anyone had ever seen, which made him very valuable."

Bones knew that this person was meant to be him, and he felt very surprised that Ryou would do something like this, though Bones did have it coming.

"One day," Ryou went on, "Bonz's boss was told to eliminate a young man from a card game tournament. This young man absolutely loved the world. His name was Joe, and he had lots of friends, even if he was not as good at card games as Bonz was." He leaned forwards. "They sat down to a game of cards, and Bonz was this close to winning. Joe felt himself despair – but do you know what happened then?"

"What?", yelled all the children, and everyone was very excited.

"Well," said Bones, "all of a sudden, Joe's friends arrived, and they cheered for him. There was a new light in Joe's eyes – he shuffled his deck, he flipped through his cards – and then he won!" He looked right at his competitor. "Bonz was very unhappy – but once again, the power of friendship had triumphed. And do you know what Bonz did?" There was a dramatic pause, everyone yelled "What?" again, and Ryou smiled gently at his competitor. "Bonz became a better person. He thought that maybe there was good in the world, after all…"

The story went on, and with every word Bones gritted his teeth a little harder, fingering the faded, whitish-brown skull fragment in his black hoodie pocket. This was the only object he owned that was not black, and it reminded him of a time when he had not been black and corrupt. He felt very cross, but deep inside he began to doubt his corrupt blackness.

When Ryou had finished his story, everyone cheered except Bones, who scowled. "You win."

But Ryou said; "No, you win. Your story was better."

"No, your story was better."

"Was not!"

"Was so!"

Then they stopped arguing, and looked at each other for a long time, and decided to call it a draw. They went off to a very nice park of browny–grey bushland with Bone's black dog and Ryou's white dog, and stood staring into the murky water of the river, which wasn't black or white or even grey. Bones and Ryou talked about the days before Ryou became white and pure, and Bones became black and corrupt, and they eventually decided that they were in fact not so different after all; even if Ryou liked the world and Bones hated it. There was black in Ryou's past, and white in Bones's, and it was all rather confusing.

"This", Ryou said to Bones, as they each leaned on opposite sides of a tree trunk, "is all very silly. We are supposed to be opposites, but we aren't. I have killed, and you have been a rather friendly person before."

Bones shrugged. "Who said we were supposed to be opposites?"

Ryou thought about this for a very long time, but he could not think of someone who had actually said that. And Bones smiled for the second time in a long while, and he said to Ryou: "No–one did. Only the world, and that is not something which matters."

Ryou agreed that even if the world was something he liked very much, it could not make his decisions for him. Then Bones climbed into the low fork of the tree, leaned down, and kissed Ryou, saying "I hate the world, and all that is in it. But I do not hate you, because you are not like the world."

And Ryou smiled, and turned to kiss Bones right back, saying "I like the world, and all that is in it. But I do not like you, because you are not like the world."

Bones was very confused by this. "But if you do not like me, then why–"

"No. I love you, Bones."

Bones was overjoyed, and deepened the kiss, and then fell out of the tree. Ryou staggered under the weight, and the two of them went straight into the river, giggling like crazy. They played and yelled and kissed – crikey, did they kiss, snogging like no-one had ever snogged before. And then they said some rather mushy things, which no goddamn fairytale worth its salt would put in here.

Once upon a terrible AU twist ending, there were two rather average looking old men, called Bones Ghostsuebonzaka and Ryou Bakuryo. They both had grey hair, and skin discolored enough for it to count as grey. They wore exactly the same clothes – grey shirts, grey ties, grey trench coats, and grey corduroy pants, and their fingernails were painted grey. Pinned to each of their grey collars was a grey badge with dark grey writing and a grey crest next to it, and all the little children felt neutral about them. They called them the 'Gray Men' (the teens and young men who remembered years back called them the 'Gay Men' now, but no–one wanted to hear that), and they would sit and fidget as Bones and Ryou took turns to turn the graying pages of a book with fragile fingers, sitting on a grey pigeon beanbag together, and read to their audience stories about cities, and factories, and elephants, and all the dull grey things in this world. Even their voices seemed gray – experienced, yet so boring it wasn't even funny. The audience would sit, partially captive and partially free, partially bored stiff and partially interested, and that was that. They had an average number of friends who sort of liked them, and they felt pretty neutral when it came to happy endings.

They ate nothing but grey food together – buckwheat noodles and oysters and mushroom soup and maybe sushi – and drank only gray tea. They lived in a gray house, and kept two grey average sized dogs (one more Airedale Terrier than Labrador, one more Labrador than Airedale Terrier) as pets, and their minds were as quiet and unassuming as their absolutely average lives. Every morning, they would walk their grey dogs on grey leashes attached to their grey collars, right down a grey curb (Bones would always walk closer to the black road, Ryou closer to the white footpath), and then go back to their grey house. They would then get into their ancient grey car, and drive off down the road, all the way to the library. When they walked in, the place would become a little brighter, then a little darker (though that might have been due to Ryou's habit of turning on the white fluorescent lights when he entered, and Bone's habit of turning them off, then the inevitable argument over the light switches before they decided to turn half the lights back on), and everything was perfectly average.

They didn't care about the world, and the world didn't care about them. Ryou liked the children and the books a just little more than Bones, who hated them just a little more – but more than anything else, they knew they needed money, and that is why they kept their jobs at the library. Someday, they thought to themselves, we will have all the money in the world, and we will damn well retire. The people can keep the books, we don't care whether they enjoy them or not.

Well, maybe Ryou cared just a bit more than Bones, who cared just a bit less – but the important thing is that in their grey little hearts, they both thought they were right, and the world shrugged because it didn't care about them… though maybe it liked Ryou a bit more, and hated Bones a bit more.

And they both lived rather neutrally ever after, until they both died of pneumonoultramicroscopicsili covolcanoconiosis (2) at the same time during a trip to the grey wastes of Iceland, both coughing on fine grey ashes until they choked. They were put into grey coffins, and sent on a grey plane back to the grey city, and there was a rather average amount of friends and family and sadness at their average joint funeral. The world moved on, because the world didn't really care… though maybe, just maybe, it liked Ryou just a little more, and hated Bones just a little more.

The story doesn't quite end there, though. Have a look at the stars tonight, and see how long it takes for you to yawn at the black space and white glimmers and want to go to bed. No–one ever bothers looking up for extended periods unless they're working for cash, that's why Ryou and Bones are up there.

Have a look around you, and you'll see them; in the ancient library staff, who struggle to fill the shelves, who tell big stories to little children with grey eyes glazed over; in those two rivals who, with chests puffed out and gazes challenging, believe that they are both right, though perhaps neither is; in those bitter old men who work to retire, retire to die.

And in Domino City, keeping watch on a certain ramshackle grey house, there's two grey dogs who look like crosses between Airedale Terriers and Labradors. One looks a bit more Airedale Terrier than Labrador, the other looks a bit more Labrador than Airedale Terrier. They're sisters, and they've been there for years – they sit and sit, waiting for their masters to come back someday, but their coats still seem lustrous and well groomed, and they never seem to age. Dare to walk past them, and they will stare accusingly at you. And seriously, don't even think about trying to pet them.

Their puppies run loose around the city, two of them – one black, one white. The white one is half one of the sisters, and half that rather pretty Airdale Terrier the show girl screamed at when she found out what he'd done with his pedigree ; the black one is half the other sister and half a pug ugly Labrador who dug a hole under the garden gate. Like their mothers, they don't seem to age either, but unlike their mothers, they're fierce rivals. Recently, the two of them took a rather strong liking to Domino Library...

One thing's for sure: Rebirth sure is weird.

Notes:

1. In case you're confused there: Sound/colour synesthesia is a condition where on hearing a sound (music, voices, so on), a person automatically links it to a colour. I have that one, and it felt right to put it in here. There's lots of different sorts of synesthesia, such as number/sound, word/colour and even touch/colour.

2. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsili covolcanoconiosis: A lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust, causing inflammation in the lungs. Also known as silicosis, but don't you think 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsili covolcanoconiosis' is more impressive?

UAB

Woohoo, I'm still alive.