Ellie sat in her old room snapping her rubber bands and looking at her razor case, just out of reach on her desk. She liked it that way. That way, she had to decide to move from the bed to get the blade. It wouldn't just happen like before when she'd cut without thinking. The bands snap harder as she stares.
She wanted him to follow her, to run after her and take her in his arms and just hold her. He knew her pain, her struggle, her desire to get better, and she thought he knew about this. Now, as she lies on her bed, the thoughts flooding her mind don't help her resist the pull of the little black case on her desk. "You'll never be good enough for him, Ellie, so why even try?" "Did you think dressing up was going to change anything?" "You should give up. He doesn't care anyway." Just as she feels herself sinking, a knock jolts her awake. Mindlessly, she pulls her sleeves down to cover her wrists and goes to the door. She freezes when she sees him standing there.
"Uh, can I come in?"
"Oh, yeah, sure." She moves out of his way and closes the door behind him. She wants to hate him, but he looks almost as frazzled as she feels. Almost.
"So," he begins.
"So..."
"About the wedding,--"
"Look, Craig, I really don't want to do this again."
"Ellie, please, just give me two minutes, okay?"
"Two minutes." He has placed himself completely in front of the desk so she can't se the case. No distraction. So she keeps snapping. He watches her for a few seconds. "Time's a wasting, Craig."
"Right. About the wedding. I shouldn't have invited Manny, okay? I was just scared of what was happening. And with Manny, life is mostly predictable because I know her so well."
"Biblically, in fact."
"Ellie."
"Sorry."
"But with you, I never know what's coming. I mean, every time I think I've got you figured out, you go and surprise me, and that's scary. But I'm not saying you scare me. It's just that unpredictability. I like to know what's coming usually, but you, hanging out with you is the best part of my day."
"But you still picked Manny. You'll always pick Manny, Craig. I get that, okay? What I don't get is why you're here."
"Ellie, please. I hate fighting with you. I just wanted to clear the air, make sure things were okay with us."
"You know what, Craig? There is no 'us.' And there never was so do you thinks you could let me wallow in peace."
"No, I don't think I can. Don't you get it, Ellie? I can't exist without you. You make me who I am. I'd revert to crazy Craig if it weren't for you. I need you, Ellie."
"I don't want you to need me, Craig. I want you to want me. More than you want Manny. More than you wanted Ashley. Me, Craig. I want there to be an 'us.'"
"Ellie, I can't. Not right now."
"When then, huh? When are you going to be ready to risk it with me, Craig? Because I can't wait around forever, and I shouldn't have to. Please, Craig, listen to the excuses you're making. And if I make you so happy when we're together, why can't we be together."
"Because I'm afraid of hurting you."
"Please. I do enough of that myself. I doubt you could do much worse."
"That's not what I mean, and you know it. I don't want to break your heart."
"It's been broken before, Craig. I survived. Don't make that your reason because it's not good enough. These aren't things that go away with time, either. Tell me what you're really thinking." She has long forgotten about the two minutes she gave him.
"I'm thinking that I'm scared!"
"Of what?!"
"Of myself. Of not being good enough. Of disappointing you. Of not being able to love you the way you deserve to be loved."
She starts to laugh, and he looks at her as though she's lost it.
"You could write a song with those lines."
"Ellie, they're the truth."
"I know. That's why I'm laughing."
"What?" He is clearly highly confused.
She calms down enough to answer him. "You express yourself the best through your music, Craig. After all this time, that's probably the only thing that hasn't changed about you."
"Not the only thing." He walks toward her and cups her face in his hand. Suddenly, all is serious. "I've always loved you."
"Always?"
"As long as I've known the real you."
"Well, I guess that can count as always."
"Good." And he leans down to kiss her just as her mom pushes the door open against Ellie's back.
"Eleanor?"
"Yes, Mom?"
"Is everything all right?"
"Everything's fine, Mom."
"What's wrong with your door?"
"I'm leaning on it."
"Oh. Well, I'm running to the store. Do you want to come with me?"
"No. I've got some catching up to do."
"Okay. Well, do you need anything?"
"No, Mom. I've got everything I need." She smiles up at Craig.
"I'll see you later."
"Bye, Mom." Her mother's footsteps retreat down the hall. "She doesn't know you're here?"
"I snuck in the back."
"Oh. Well, you'd better leave before she comes back and finds you here."
"Will you come with me?"
"I thought you'd never ask."