It was a conspiracy to keep them apart, John was sure of it. Every time he got Rodney alone in their quarters someone would blow something up and invade another planet or get lost or eaten or poisoned, and John would be left highly frustrated while Rodney had to go save the day. Sometimes John helped too, obviously; when he wasn't too busy adjusting his uniform trousers – they shouldn't be that tight, surely?
Eventually, he took to waylaying Rodney in the corridors or in his lab. Making out in a closet was a horribly cliché, but apparently ridiculously good fun. As Atlantis got used to the military commander screwing with the Chief Scientist Officer in more ways than one, chaste kisses were exchanged, and occasionally John would convince Rodney to hold hands under the table. This was mainly to prevent someone's eye being put out by Rodney's constant restlessness, but it doubled as a sort of romantic gesture that made the physicist send John an email that made his knees go weak and his mouth water. Rodney really had a thing for chocolate didn't he?
Two weeks of practical celibacy later, John was going mad – and the mental picture the email had created that was permanently ingrained in whichever part of his brain that controlled his dick was not helping.
He was going to pounce on Rodney in his lab, but there were scientists still there, working late to avoid Rodney's wrath. Cause Rodney's wrath was like omnipotent God-level wrath. Not good to incur.
"Busy?"
"Very."
"Pity."
"Why?"
"Well…"
"Today!"
"Hey!"
"Please…"
"Nope."
"Huh." Unimpressed by the monosyllabic conversation Rodney turned to the computer again. John sent a glare over his physicist's head to the lurking science minions. They obediently fled.
"Really busy?"
"Unbelievably."
"You sure?"
Rodney straightened and glared at him. "The more you bother me, the busier I'll be."
"Ouch. Spite is not a nice colour on you, McKay."
"I'd say the same thing about you and horniness, but unfortunately it's one of your best."
John wrapped his arms around Rodney's waist and pulled him close. "Wanna make out?"
"Seriously, do you get these lines from a website or something? Cause you come up with the biggest amount of crap sometimes."
"We can skip the kissing. Go straight to the touching?"
"I mean, being direct is all fine and well, I should know, but a little romance wouldn't come amiss sometimes-"
"Ok, ok, skip the touching and straight to the blowjobs. Works for me."
"-not all the times; I like it when you're all bossy, it's kinda nice. And I'm all for rough sex occasionally, that's good too. Kinky stuff I can cope with – by the way, did you get my email with the-"
"Straight to the actual sex part? I'm prepared to miss a bit of foreplay once in a while."
"So, you know, kinda impractical, but fun. And messy, but it's chocolate, so I'd be prepared to lick everything clean. In case, you know-"
"What I know, Rodney, is that it normally takes some form of sexual contact to get off!" John lightly smacked the back of his lover's head. "Idiot."
Rodney was opening his mouth to complain when the computer beeped. As the physicist ducked out of John's embrace to peer at the screen, the colonel flopped against a nearby table with a frustrated sigh.
"Oh. That's odd."
"What is? The fact that you of all people are refusing sex?"
"I'm not refusing sex – I was merely pointing out that your chat-up lines require finesse. And no. Read that." He pointed to the screen.
"Fine." John leant forward. "'We paid good money for these seats…'" He straightened up and looked around suspiciously.
"'So snog already'," finished Rodney.
"Yeah. Odd, is not quite the word I'm looking of. In fact, I'm thinking of a whole different phrase…"
The console beeped again. The two men regarded the screen curiously, tilting their heads to change the angle occasionally.
"What…" said John eventually. "Is that?"
"Stick men." Rodney waved his hands expansively. "And either they're playing a hybrid of leapfrog and Twister, or they're-"
"OK! Thank you! And as much as I love being someone's private porn channel, I think we'll be going back to my room, locking the door and then you're turning off all the security cameras in the nearest three corridors." John snagged Rodney's collar and shoved him out of the lab. He peered around suspiciously again and then stalked out with as much dignity as a man about to get laid for the first time in four weeks could muster.
It was a pity they forgot to turn the screen off though, because the Daedalus wasn't due for another fortnight, and the pair of glasses Radek accidentally broke in astonishment at just how flexible someone thought Rodney was were the only pair he had left.