Standard Disclaimers: Don't sue me, for I don't claim to own Slayers. If you really want to sue somebody, sue my university. They have plenty of money. The ideas, however, to the best of my knowledge, are completely mine. Please bestow me the courtesy of not stealing them.
Disclaimers for the Dumb: If you value your life, do not attempt to make any of these recipes. If you did, it would be taking cooking lessons from the same person that managed to turn popcorn to carbon in the microwave. (Translation: I can't cook. AT ALL.) By the way, if you ever happen to meet a fish man in person, fileting him is not a good idea. See your shrink instead. If you are moronic enough to attempt any of these, I deny any and all responsibility.
By semi-popular demand (and an overdose of the first season of Slayers), I've decided to write another Slayers humor fic. Once again, this is romance-free, excluding what is innate to Sylphiel's character. (By the way, when she is talking about taste in the first paragraph, I did not leave any words out. It is typed exactly as it is supposed to be.) And yes, I know that "blackened" has more to do with the spices used than the amount the food is overcooked, but for the sake of humor, I'm disregarding it entirely. (I also know that not all fish men can fly.) This is written monologue-style, with Sylphiel's thoughts in italics. Although she kinda met Xellos at the end of NEXT, assume that she never got a good look at him. It makes her reaction funnier.
When you review, keep this in mind: A flame without reason is not a flame; it's immaturity.
Rated PG for generally twisted humor, fish man abuse, and mild Sylphiel mental trauma. (NOT Sylphiel abuse, just mild mental trauma. She'll be fine, trust me.) No profanity or perversion.
Noonsa Nibbles: Quick and Easy Fish Man Recipes
Presented by Sylphiel Nels Lahda
Transcribed by Viviane Latour
"Ano... I am Sylphiel Nels Lahda, and by Gourry-sama's request I am presenting select recipes from Noonsa Nibbles: Quick and Easy Fish Man Recipes. But Gourry-sama, don't you think this is not in the best taste? You think it is the best taste? Yes then, Gourry-sama, I shall continue. It is recommended that you attempt these recipes only on violent or otherwise troublesome fish men such as Noonsa or Rahanimu and not peaceful ones such as Lila and Kerel's people. Although Gourry-sama did tell me that the fish men on their island tried to eat him once... Because of the size of the average fish man, many of these recipes require the use of various fire spells in place of conventional cooking methods. Some skill in casting assorted fire magic and the Dragon Slave is suggested. I can see that Lina-san likes that idea.
"Our first recipe today is for a snack called Noonsa Nibbles. I apologize to any friends and relatives of Noonsa in the audience. The first step of this recipe is to trick a live fish man into a bubble and roast it with a fireball. Oh my, the poor fish man... Vary the strength of your fireball depending on how well you would like your fish man charred. If you would like your fish man extra well done, fireball him multiple times. Noonsa Nibbles should be served without eating utensils or sauce on a low table or, preferably, the floor. It makes a... wonderful... midnight snack... for large... groups... Oh dear, those beast men are drooling!
"Well, continuing with our presentation, I shall read (Please, please don't demonstrate this for us!) Lina-san's special request: Very Blackened Fish Man. By far the simplest of today's recipes, Very Blackened Fish Man requires only that you confuse a fish man sufficiently so that you may Dragon Slave it. Eat your Very Blackened Fish Man immediately without any sauce or condiments. Lina-san, your smile is much too big...
"Rather than being a true recipe, Rahanimu Filleting is a rather useful technique in preparing a fish man for many of the dishes to follow, though it requires some skill to complete. First, you must anger a fish man sufficiently to make him 'zip' through the air; then you must trick him into flying through a sword or other sharp bladed object. My, that's cruel! You may serve the filets raw, cook them as desired, or use them in one of our other recipes, such as Broiled Fish Man, Fish Man in a Delicate Seaweed Stock, or our next recipe, Gourry-sama's special request, Fish Fried Man.
"For Fish Fried Man, simply coat a fish man filet in your favorite batter, dunk it in an oversized deep fryer, and fry it to your desired crispness. Serve it with tartar sauce or your favorite dip. You may also slice it into smaller pieces for use as fried fish man burgers or a topping for salad. It is great for entertaining or picnics! Gourry-sama, I think I know what I'll cook for you if you ever come visit me... except I think I'll use NORMAL fish...
"Next we have the elegant main course, Fish Man in a Delicate Seaweed Stock, Zelgadis-san and Amelia-san's request. My, that does sound good, if only they would use normal fish! To prepare the broth, simmer seaweed pieces in a large pot of water overnight and season it to taste. After the broth has been prepared, add any desired vegetables and small chunks of baked fish man and simmer it until the flavor has reached your desired strength.
"As our final recipe of the afternoon, we have the dragon lady Filia-san's request, Broiled Fish Man. Yes, Filia-san, I agree that it is cruel to cook fish men. I guess it would be a nice meal when you want to save your money, too... To prepare this dish, place a fish man filet on an oversized rack, such as a thoroughly disinfected sewer grate, several inches above a strong fire. Oh dear, there's that smile again... Lina-san, you are scaring me! Cook it for about ten minutes, then turn it and continue cooking for another ten minutes. Baste the filet constantly with seasoned fish man juice. Serve your Broiled Fish Man with a small slice of lemon and a sprig of parsley... and Filia-san insists that you must drink a cup of tea with it. She's a little obsessive about tea, isn't she?
"That concludes this afternoon's presentation from Noonsa Nibbles: Quick and Easy Fish Man Recipes. Good bye and... ano, I have a last-minute request from the Mysterious Priest Xellos. He is a suspicious-looking man, but he seems happy enough, he is smiling after all. ...Why is Dragon Lady-san holding that mace? Xellos-san would like me to read the recipe for Quivering Fish Man in a Stew of... Terror? Ano... Etto... Ano... I can't... find... it in here..."
"XELLOS!"