Hey you! Yeah you, the ugly one! You ever seen commercials that push
you the wrong way? Or how about ones that would just seem (if put in
different circumstances) well... funny? Yeah, I've been seein' this
commercial lately for Kodak.
In it, three girls run up to a house and knock on the door. Then when
a little kid opens it; they make a short exchange in dialogue before one
of em' runs past (she looks like she's wearing a shirt for Target) and
up the stairs. Cut to a guy talking on the phone in his underwear. Then
we see said Target girl peep around the edge, knock on the door even
though it's already open, and take the guy's picture when he turns to
see who it is. Then we see her come running down the stairs and the
little brother is smiling. The girls run out and he closes the door.
Once alone, target girl looks to her friends and says, "Boxers." Then
they all giggle and run off. KODAK single use cameras, Grab one and hold on!
My fellow FF.netters. I enjoy this commercial. It's funny, it's truthful.
At least in certain people's fantasies it is. But I feel justice must be
served. And the only way I see fit is to turn the tables. So here now, all
for you, is my version of what would happen if circumstances had been a
little different in the commercial...
EXT. HOUSE- EARLY MORNING
Three jocks- uh, excuse me. Three pro-sporters walk up to the door of the
sizable two story house, quickly ringing the doorbell. It's opened by a girl
of about five or six. She stares up at them and blinks shyly.
LITTLE GIRL
Hiii....
One of the pro-sporters is wearing a Mentos shirt. From now on, he will be
referred to as MENTOS GUY.
MENTOS GUY
Hi Stacy, is your sister home?
Stacy nods. One of the guys smacks Mentos Guy on the ass. From now on, we'll
call him ASS SMACKER.
ASS SMACKER
Go get her, man!
He rushes past the little girl, who continues looking up at them curiously.
Ass Smacker looks at his buddy who hasn't said anything. Let's call him
Conscience.
ASS SMACKER
So, how long have you known her?
LITTLE GIRL
...My daddy told my mommy that you guys like to play with your
ding-dongs all day, and that's why you sucked so bad on Friday.
Ass Smacker and Conscience both get wide eyes.
INT. MIRIAM'S ROOM- EARLY MORNING
A girl's naked shoulder can be seen, and noises and be heard to sound like she's
talking on the phone. Her name is MIRIAM (except from nine PM to eleven PM on weekends,
at that time she is known as CANDY, but that is an entirely different story).
MIRIAM
So I told him, 'you suck it bitch or I'm not giving you any head
until nex-
Mentos guy pops around the corner of the open door, his mouth agape in a big stupid
grin.
MENTOS GUY
Smile-
EXT. HOUSE- EARLY MORNING
A loud, high-pitch scream is heard. All three look up towards the second story. They ignore it
and go back to talking.
ASS SMACKER
So you tell you're daddy that Big Steve and Jimbo will meet him at
the parking lot of the gym on Thursday Night, you got it?
LITTLE GIRL
(nodding)
Got it. How much did you say you'd pay him?
A deep voice can be heard from above along with a lot of avid thumping.
ASS SMACKER
Fifty dollars. That's a five and an o. Tell him it's just for the
anal, okay? Remember that word. A-NAL. Tell him it's what he called
Jimbo about.
Conscience taps him on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear. ASS SMACKER
nods.
ASS SMACKER (cont.)
Oh, right. Almost forgot. Make sure Mommy is in the room too, okay?
You got all that?
The little girl shakes her head 'no'. Ass Smacker sighs and Conscience hands him a
notepad.
ASS SMACKER
Good idea. Okay let me write it down and have you memorize it, okay?
Suddenly a CRASH of glass is heard from somewhere off-screen and Mentos Guy comes
flying down to the ground, a camera in his hands. Ass Smacker and Conscience run over
to him and pick him up. The front door closes and the run up the camera giggling.
MENTOS GUY
Nothing.
He points to the camera and grins. They giggle some more and then run off-screen.
Suddenly everything goes yellow and the camera is super-imposed. Next to it is a photo of
a naked girl covering herself and a big hairy guy running up to the camera behind her.
ANNOUNCER
KODAK single-use camera. Grab one and don't get arrested.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's all for now. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and
to tell the truth it's a welcome relief from 'Cheese'. If I see anymore ads that I feel deserve
my gentle touch, you will be the first to know. But as of right now, the show's over. Tell me
whether or not I should write another and then go home. Your wife wants a word with you…
you the wrong way? Or how about ones that would just seem (if put in
different circumstances) well... funny? Yeah, I've been seein' this
commercial lately for Kodak.
In it, three girls run up to a house and knock on the door. Then when
a little kid opens it; they make a short exchange in dialogue before one
of em' runs past (she looks like she's wearing a shirt for Target) and
up the stairs. Cut to a guy talking on the phone in his underwear. Then
we see said Target girl peep around the edge, knock on the door even
though it's already open, and take the guy's picture when he turns to
see who it is. Then we see her come running down the stairs and the
little brother is smiling. The girls run out and he closes the door.
Once alone, target girl looks to her friends and says, "Boxers." Then
they all giggle and run off. KODAK single use cameras, Grab one and hold on!
My fellow FF.netters. I enjoy this commercial. It's funny, it's truthful.
At least in certain people's fantasies it is. But I feel justice must be
served. And the only way I see fit is to turn the tables. So here now, all
for you, is my version of what would happen if circumstances had been a
little different in the commercial...
EXT. HOUSE- EARLY MORNING
Three jocks- uh, excuse me. Three pro-sporters walk up to the door of the
sizable two story house, quickly ringing the doorbell. It's opened by a girl
of about five or six. She stares up at them and blinks shyly.
LITTLE GIRL
Hiii....
One of the pro-sporters is wearing a Mentos shirt. From now on, he will be
referred to as MENTOS GUY.
MENTOS GUY
Hi Stacy, is your sister home?
Stacy nods. One of the guys smacks Mentos Guy on the ass. From now on, we'll
call him ASS SMACKER.
ASS SMACKER
Go get her, man!
He rushes past the little girl, who continues looking up at them curiously.
Ass Smacker looks at his buddy who hasn't said anything. Let's call him
Conscience.
ASS SMACKER
So, how long have you known her?
LITTLE GIRL
...My daddy told my mommy that you guys like to play with your
ding-dongs all day, and that's why you sucked so bad on Friday.
Ass Smacker and Conscience both get wide eyes.
INT. MIRIAM'S ROOM- EARLY MORNING
A girl's naked shoulder can be seen, and noises and be heard to sound like she's
talking on the phone. Her name is MIRIAM (except from nine PM to eleven PM on weekends,
at that time she is known as CANDY, but that is an entirely different story).
MIRIAM
So I told him, 'you suck it bitch or I'm not giving you any head
until nex-
Mentos guy pops around the corner of the open door, his mouth agape in a big stupid
grin.
MENTOS GUY
Smile-
EXT. HOUSE- EARLY MORNING
A loud, high-pitch scream is heard. All three look up towards the second story. They ignore it
and go back to talking.
ASS SMACKER
So you tell you're daddy that Big Steve and Jimbo will meet him at
the parking lot of the gym on Thursday Night, you got it?
LITTLE GIRL
(nodding)
Got it. How much did you say you'd pay him?
A deep voice can be heard from above along with a lot of avid thumping.
ASS SMACKER
Fifty dollars. That's a five and an o. Tell him it's just for the
anal, okay? Remember that word. A-NAL. Tell him it's what he called
Jimbo about.
Conscience taps him on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear. ASS SMACKER
nods.
ASS SMACKER (cont.)
Oh, right. Almost forgot. Make sure Mommy is in the room too, okay?
You got all that?
The little girl shakes her head 'no'. Ass Smacker sighs and Conscience hands him a
notepad.
ASS SMACKER
Good idea. Okay let me write it down and have you memorize it, okay?
Suddenly a CRASH of glass is heard from somewhere off-screen and Mentos Guy comes
flying down to the ground, a camera in his hands. Ass Smacker and Conscience run over
to him and pick him up. The front door closes and the run up the camera giggling.
MENTOS GUY
Nothing.
He points to the camera and grins. They giggle some more and then run off-screen.
Suddenly everything goes yellow and the camera is super-imposed. Next to it is a photo of
a naked girl covering herself and a big hairy guy running up to the camera behind her.
ANNOUNCER
KODAK single-use camera. Grab one and don't get arrested.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's all for now. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and
to tell the truth it's a welcome relief from 'Cheese'. If I see anymore ads that I feel deserve
my gentle touch, you will be the first to know. But as of right now, the show's over. Tell me
whether or not I should write another and then go home. Your wife wants a word with you…