Meaning

This is my first fanfaction. Well, if you want to get technical, I have written another but that was just my friend and I being very random. So, this is the first thing I've seriously written. Just because I'm stating that this is my first written work, I'm not going to ask people who review to go easy on me. If people think this story sucks, say so, but tell me why. If you're just going to say "Your story's crap, you suck as a writer." I'm not interested. If people compliment me, I would love that since I don't have much confidence in my skills. And, these are the people I will love the most: If people can give me advice on how to make this better and point out my errors, I'll really appreciate it. Please, just give me some sort of a reply.

Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. But I wish I did.

Chapter 1- The Blood

Zelos Wilder woke up with a small cry. Panicked blue-gray eyes darted around the room as he gasped for air, attempting futilely to calm himself. He was sitting in his bed, having just been thrown out of his sleep by, yet again, another nightmare. Sure, he had them a lot in the past, but now, they seem to be a nightly ritual, occurring every time he fell asleep.

He looked out his bedroom window and his mouth formed into a bitter, empty smile.

Snow.

Goddess, how he hated the snow. It was the one thing that made so many emotions run wild though him. Anger, fear, anguish, and loathing, and not just of the snow but also towards himself. But, most of all, just raw pain. Pain that he wished someone could just take away.

Scoffing at the idea of that every happening, Zelos threw off the blankets that covered him and began to drag himself across his bedroom floor into his private bathroom. He sighed in annoyance as he tried to pull his long, tousled red hair from his sweat covered face.

Once he entered his bathroom and turned on the light, his narrowed in a miserable attempt to block out the light. Once his eyes adjusted, he clutched the sides of the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He chuckled as he gazed at the sorry sight that was looking back at him.

The bags under his eyes could be noticed from about, Zelos believed, a mile away. His pants, which were the only thing he was wearing, were getting looser by the day from lack of eating. He wasn't starving himself, he just never felt hungry anymore. And his eyes. He still flinches slightly when he realizes that the shine in them is gone, leaving these empty blue-gray orbs to stare back at him now. And there was only one thing that Zelos could blame for this: the snow.

It had been six months since Zelos returned from the Journey of Regeneration, or the journey to reunite the two worlds, or whatever the hell people ended up calling it, and he hadn't heard from anybody he traveled with.

Granted, he did know that everybody had things they wished to accomplish, but couldn't help but hope that one of them would stop by Meltokio. They were his friends and he trusted each of them. They even retained their trust in him after Zelos betrayed them, but whether or not they trusted him as much as they had, Zelos wasn't sure. He just hoped they did.

After a while, Zelos began to go through life normally again. He flirted with every cute girl he saw, though it was different now. The girls of Meltokio, not all, but a decent amount, stopped flocking to him. The ones that stopped this practice only stopped because they would have to be around Zelos Wilder, not the Chosen of Tethe'alla like they wished. The few fans that he did have only remained because they thought they'd be popular around Meltokio, even if the person that they devoted their time to was only the former Chosen One.

Most of the women that Zelos flirted with or made subtle perverted remarks to either found him obnoxious or downright disgusting. He wasn't too bothered by that fact. He'd been acting like that for too long, the flirtatious idiot, to suddenly stop. And after each day, his fangirl total dropped, not that he cared. If they were only going to be around him to enjoy the perks of his status, or rather, his former status, they should just stay away from him.

And that's why he missed Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Presea, Regal, and Sheena, the people who liked him as Zelos Wilder the person, not Zelos Wilder the ex-Chosen of Tethe'alla. Out of the seven of them, he especially missed Sheena or, as he liked to call her because it pissed her off, his voluptuous hunny. He missed her the most because not only had they known each other for years, she was the one Zelos had expected to see out of everybody else. Mizuho was fairly close to Meltokio and Sheena did have to, occasionally, stop by.

But no. No one has come. And, though the feeling wasn't too great, Zelos was beginning to not even care about that either. However, there was a reason for Zelos's new found apathetic behavior.

One month ago, the snow started. Which was strange because Meltokio wasn't known for snow. Actually, it hardly ever snowed, so when it first began to, everyone ran out from their houses and shops to enjoy the extremely rare opportunity. Even the king himself left the castle to see the white flakes fall from the sky.

But on that day, Zelos just stayed inside his mansion, tense, fidgety, and nervous. He figured the storm would last no more than a day. How wrong he was.

Day after day, the amount varying, it would snow. And no more than a week after it started, Zelos was plunged into depression, haunted by the very memory that the snow reminds him of.

First off, his depression seem to make his appetite wither away. He now only eats about a meal a day. Sometimes, he'll manage two, but the contents of that meal usually ended up in the toilet.

Secondly, he figured that the reason that his once lively eyes dulled was from lack of feeling happy or just from lack of feeling anything besides hopeless. Sometimes, there would be a day where the sun would return, along with, Zelos noted, some of the spark that had vanished from his eyes, and no snow would fall from the sky. But, just his luck, the snow would come back with its strength increased tenfold. Then Zelos would sink deeper into the darkness of his depression. The cold, unrelenting darkness, that, to him, seem just like the snow.

Lastly, the snow brought back the nightmares that used to happen about once every other week. Now, they played in his mind nightly. The blood. The blood that flowed out of his mother's body…

Zelos punched the wall next to the mirror out of anger, the image of his deceased mother was the only thing he saw. All the blood, he could still see it, the blood mixed with the snow. He could still smell it, and it still caused bile to rise in the back of his throat. No matter how many people and monsters he had slain, he would never get used to the smell.

But the one thing of the memory that truly haunts him. The sound of his mother's voice, though it was the last thing she said before dying, she still said it in a strong voice, a cruel, evil voice. No ounce of regret for what she said with her dying breathe.

"You should never have been born."

He was haunted by that voice, way before the endless snow made its way to Meltokio. He didn't want to hear it now, so he just thought about the first thing that came to mind. It was a question and to disrupt the stifling silence, he asked it aloud, "Where's Sebastian?"

His servant, to Zelos he was more like a father since he cared about him more than either of his birth parents ever did, may be getting older, but he still had excellent hearing and should have been able to hear Zelos punch a wall.

Oh, wait a minute, Zelos thought to himself. He told me he was going to go visit someone. Was he in a different part of the city? Was he even in the city right now? I don't remember and I'm just amazed he bothered to tell me.

Since Zelos had become more closed off, he hadn't been talking much. Sebastian still talked to him, but conversations were usually one-sided, with Zelos only nodding or, not often, saying a couple of short sentences.

"So," He said out loud, "I'm alone. Well, more alone."

"You should never have been born."

His mother's words echoed throughout him, shattering the remnants of his soul even more. He understood that his life was meaningless. No one wanted him. No one needed him. He was worthless, but his mother's words always reminded him of that. Ever since the day she died, he knew that there was no point in him being alive.

"I was meant to die that day!" He yelled to the mirror, his eyes showing more emotion then they had in a long time. "Seles's mother wanted to kill me! So, if I never should've been born, why did you save me?!" His voice was breaking and he could feel the tears forming in his eyes.

Why should he cry? He didn't deserve to. He was the reason his mother was dead. He was the reason Seles's mother had been executed. And he was the reason that Seles had ended up in that abbey. Most importantly, he betrayed the people that trusted him. Even though they forgave him, he wasn't worthy of their trust and companionship. He wasn't worth it. What right did he have to cry when he ruined so many lives? What right did he have to live?

He didn't know the answer to that. To him, there was no answer. There was no point in him be alive. He would just cause misery to those he was around. He was amazed Sebastian was still around, especially after this month, when Zelos barely acknowledged him and spoke. It pained Sebastian to his "Master", who was more like a son to him, this tormented, and Zelos realized that.

"Sebastian's just another life I've ruined. Soon, he'll just be gone too, and I'll really be all alone." Zelos sighed and looked down at his left arm. Since he usually wore long gloves, no one notices. He used his index finger on his right hand to feel the scars that marred his skin. The cuts that had healed over that he made himself. He felt the scabbed skin over the cuts and considered scratching it off so they would bleed anew.

"I'm pretty pathetic, huh?" He asked his reflection. He had three scars on his arms, each side by side, about three inches long. The amount of scars for the amount of lives that he had ruined. Now that he thought about everyone else he had hurt, he should add eight more cuts to his arm. This was his meager attempt at repentance. Though to him, it seemed like a pointless gesture. He thought that if he hurt himself, it could make up for everyone else he had hurt in his life.

But… two people died because of me. Seven others almost died because of me. My sister ended up being forced away from her mother because of me. And Sebastian… probably will end up dead because of me.

"What the hell I'm a supposed to do?!" He yelled out of frustration. How could he stop himself from hurting? How could he stop himself from hurting others?

"You should never have been born."

Once again, the voice. This time hearing it brought a sickening smile onto his face. "I all ready knew that. But, maybe now I'll actually do something about it."

A few moments later, Zelos returned from his bedroom back into the bathroom, this time holding his sword. He faced the mirror and, for once that entire night, and probably for the first time in years… he felt completely calm and unburdened. Was it because…

"You should never have been born."

… He was going to make his mother happy?

"You'll all be happier this way. Sebastian won't have to worry about me anymore. Those guys won't have to deal with traitorous me. I won't be able to hurt anyone else. I won't screw anyone's life up anymore."

And so, bidding everyone a mental farewell, he lifted up the sword and slashed through the veins of his wrist. After that, time seemed to slow down. Though the blood was exiting Zelos's self-inflicted wound quickly, to Zelos, the blood seemed to be crawling out of the cut. It fell onto the white sink, making Zelos remember the scene of his mother's blood tainting the pure white snow.

Zelos didn't even notice when he collapsed onto the floor, or that his vision was blurry, all he could feel was a dull pain in his wrist as the blood flow was slowing down, meaning that the blood running through his veins was running out.

He was only faintly aware that he heard footsteps and the scream of a voice, though he couldn't place who it belonged to. His mind was too fuzzy.

"Zelos!!"

That was the last thing he heard as he closed his eyes and warmly welcomed the darkness that overcame him. However, the last voice he truly heard, though now it was a faint whisper, that, even in unconsciousness, he could still make out belonged to Mylene Wilder.

"You never should have been born."

I don't know where this idea came from. All of the sudden, the storyline just started going through my head, and it wouldn't leave me alone. Plus, I've been home sick for two days, so I had nothing better to do.

So, please review. Don't just flame me because you've got nothing better to do. It's a waste of both our time.

I just wish to say that Wikipedia helped me out since I haven't played T.o.S in over a year and I got the idea of the long gloves thing from Sylvia Viridan's fanfic Undiscovered, so technically, I don't own a little piece of what happens in this story. That's rather pathetic.

Oh well, anyway, your words, suggestions, and criticism are welcomed.