Just a fair warning: don't read this unless you have read my other story Falling Again.
"Winter Soldier!"
Bucky took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he did. He was so close to storming into that room and punching that man in the face. After everything he had done to Tracey. Threatening not only her, but her family. The man who had killed her father, had threatened the rest of her family. He wanted to get back at this man for all he had done to Tracey and her family. But he couldn't just barge in there and beat the man up. He had to stick with the plan.
God he hated this! He wanted to get home! Why did he agree to going along with the plan? Yes, Steve, Coulson, and him had discussed it many times. They had to get the information on Burnow and the fact that the crazed scientist kept himself off the grid (too well for their liking) proved that they had to go with the plan.
But God! He hated being here!
He took another breath before he entered the room. "Sir?" he asked as he stood at attention, waiting for whatever damn job this man was going to give him.
He suppressed the urge to frown as the scientist began explaining what he needed of "the Winter Solider".
Dammit he hated it here!
He just wanted to get back home. Back home to his best friend and the rest of the team. Back to making jokes and just doing what they always did when they didn't have missions. Back to Tracey. Back to the woman he loved.
Dammit… Just thinking about the couple days ago when the incident happened. The rescue. The chair. Becoming the Winter Soldier again. The look on Tracey's face. God, he never wanted to see that look on her face again. The fear she was showing. It wasn't even fear for her life. It was fear and worry about him. Just as she always did. She put herself last and put his needs before hers. He loved her for that. She was strong and selfless. The fact that she tried to prove she was able to handle field missions on her own. And she did. She was capable. And even though she is smart, she wasn't smart going at this all by herself.
He needed to get back to her. Let her know that he was alright. That he remembered. That he never forgot who he was. Who she was. Who anyone was. He wanted to pull her into his arms and let her know everything was going to be okay.
ooOOoo
Fuck!
She had to be there! She just had to be there!
Bucky paced back and forth in the room Burnow provided him. He ran his hands through his hair, yanking on it. She was there. God, she was there….
He had a simple mission. Find the Hydra scientist and bring him back to Burnow. Simple. Not like he had a problem with it. It was a Hydra scientist. Someone who he had no problem hunting down. Especially after all the scientists at Hydra had done to him. But he had to bring it to a psychotic ex-Hydra scientist. And she was there…
Of course she was there…
She was with Steve, Sam, and Trip. A field mission. It was one of her first field missions and he wasn't there. He wasn't there with her. He wasn't there to help her out. No, he was there. He was there as a fucking villain! He was there attacking them… Steve knew what was going on. The others, they didn't. And the scared look on Tracey's face killed him yet again.
He was so tired of hiding everything from her. Yes, she hid the calls from Burnow from him and everyone else. But she was scared. She had no idea what to do in that sort of situation. Especially since Burnow was threatening her. But this? Keeping the fact that he was supposed to be the Winter Soldier again, but was really undercover from everyone? He couldn't do it. Not to Tracey.
Dammit! He needed to get home…
ooOOoo
He was going to kill him! He was going to kill Burnow! His new mission was to go hunt down Tracey. Tracey! Goddammit! What did she do this time? Steal files from him? Goddammit! Why couldn't he have told her about the plan? Now she was a target again? He was going to kill Burnow!
Ringing was coming from his pocket as he entered the car for the trip to the city. It was Steve. Whatever he was calling about, most likely asking if he found anything out about the psychotic man's plans. He was not in the mood for it…
"What, Steve? I haven't found anything ou-"
"Tracey's out looking for you."
Bucky blinked as he paused in starting up the car. "What?" Of course she was. She should have been in on the plan, then she wouldn't be hunting him down.
"She's heading back to where we ran into you the first time. At the restaurant."
"That's fine, just get her back to the tower then," Bucky sighed. "I already have to hunt her down myself. Apparently she hacked into Burnow's systems and took some files or something."
"She has one of your guns, Buck," Steve said slowly, concern filling his voice.
Bucky's eyes widened. One of his guns? She was hunting him down with one of his guns? How did she even get into the safe? Why was he even asking himself that? She was a hacker. He should have stuck with his old dialed safe instead of the keypad one Stark convinced him to get. Why did she have a gun though? Which gun? Why? What did she plan on doing with it? Shoot him?
The soldier stayed silent, taking a slow deep breath. "I'm on my way. Just be sure to get there before anything happens."
"Will do," Steve said before the call ended.
Dammit… They should have had Tracey be a part of the plan. They should have told her. God he wish he could tell her.
ooOOoo
He smiled down at the blonde in his arms before resting his head on hers. God it was great to be back. Back where he belonged. Back with the woman he loved.
He looked at her again before kissing the top of her head. "I love you, Tracey."
"I love you too, Bucky," she said, her eyes closed as she continued to rest her head on his chest.
"I'm gonna go shave," he said, kissing her head again.
"Finally," the blonde said, a grin on her face as she teased him.
Bucky shook his head as he let her go and headed out. "Yeah yeah."
"Thank you for the dance, Sergeant."
"Anytime doll," he said, giving her a wink before he disappeared down the hall.
Entering the bathroom he stared at the man in the mirror. His chin was covered in stubble, more than usual. His eyes were tired and had dark circles under them. He looked like he did when he was the Winter Soldier. Except this time without the long hair.
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair and down his face. He was exhausted. He was done with missions for a good while now. Having to go through everything he just went through from fighting Steve again, hunting down Tracey, and working as the Winter Soldier again took a toll on him. He needed a break. He could still picture the day he had to go through the process of becoming the Winter Soldier again. Having to sit in the chair. Hearing Tracey call out to him, scared as he was in the chair. Having to have his memories erased.
Then there was the moment this morning when he lost control with Tracey. What happened there? The last time he relapsed with her he had stabbed her in the side… Seeing that every time always reminded him of that moment when he first joined the tower. The day he almost killed his future girlfriend. The day he could have lost Tracey.
He sighed and reached for the razor after dealing with the shaving cream portion of his routine. He was mad. He hated himself for relapsing again. He was clean for a year! Nothing had happened since he was recovering! Why had it happened again?
His hand hovered over the razor. His mind slowly fazed in and out. Where was he? He could hear someone in another room. A woman it sounded like. He stared at the razor. It could be a weapon. Possibly.
No! No! He was not going down that road! No! He was James Buchanan Barnes. He was on his floor of the Avengers' Tower. That was Tracey in the other room. He was not going down that road!
"What the fuck just happened…" he breathed, staring at himself in the mirror again.
What was going on? He was relapsing again. Why was he relapsing? Was it because he went through the Winter Soldier chair again? Did having his memories wiped again, even for a moment, cause him to revert back to how things were when he was recovering last year? Was he going to have more relapses?
He quickly shaved and made his way to the bedroom. He looked out the door when he heard Tracey singing from the kitchen. God…if he was going to relapse again what was he going to do?
He went to the dresser and opened one of his drawers. Rummaging through, he pulled out a small black box. He stared at the diamond ring inside. A small smile made its way onto his face.
If he was going to relapse again, he was going to try so hard to keep control. For her. It was going to be for her. He loved her and he wanted her to always be there for him and he wanted to be there for her. If relapsing was going to be a thing again, he was going to keep control for her. All for her.
So as I was writing the AU chapter last night I had this idea in my head. I wanted to show Bucky's thoughts during his part of Falling Again. I hope you guys like it!
If you have any questions for the Avengers and Madison twins, feel free to send a message to my tumblr: winter-is-ending.
I would love to hear your guys' thoughts on this so please leave a message! It would make my day!