Dearest Edward, or should I say Mr Sparkly-Pants?

I am writing this letter to you because I know how much you, ok well I, love receiving letters

–pouts- and no one else will co-operate with me, but I know that you will.

–growls threateningly- or else.

All I want is a friendly heart-to-heart chat -puppy dog eyes-

For I am your FAVOURITE sister after all.

-glares at you until you grudgingly admit it-

-you rudely demand that i skip the friendly facade scene and get straight to the real intent of the letter-

Well now that you mention it, actually I do have a bone to pick with you. Concerning a certain feeling that you had last week. That's right. I know you're up to something Edward-Anthony-Mason-Cullen. –snaps fingers in Z formation-

How do I know, you ask?

Well you see, I have certain connections.

And one of those connections just happens to be able to feel what others are feeling at any moment in time.

And naturally he is considerably more loyal to me, because well, I can give him far more than you can.

Obviously.

Ok. Well maybe if you really wanted to I suppose you could match me. But really Edward? That would just be too much. And anyway he would never leave me for you, because well… Incest much?

–twitches and coughs loudly- Anyway moving on…

So -looks intently at you hoping to draw truth out of your mind- Tell. Me. WHY. You were feeling a mixture of distinct amusement, shiftiness, malice and anticipation last week. WHY? WHY? WHY?WHY? WHY?(continues with this for the next decade or so)

-growls menacingly-

And if you don't tell me NOW. I will personally make you life hell. Aka: YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE.

And you know I will keep to my word.

Because well, you know how much I LOVE to infuriate you. –crazed eyes-

And how will I do that you question?

Well I'll give you a little insight into Phase One of Infinity:

Two words: The. Seventies.

Enough said.

Because you see I just happen a have a rather exclusive copy of a certain black and white video recording. And this said recording involves some very revealing and should I say, disturbing, footage.

Involving you.

-insert evil laughter here-

Oh yess. You know the exact tape I'm talking about.

And as if that wasn't incentive enough to make you tell, I have also kidnapped a certain Purple, Sparkly, Synthetic Mountain Lion.

Which you seemed so awfully fond of.

-hears you smashing a giant peach against the wall in anger as you hear my thoughts- (lol what you were doing with a giant peach in the first place I have no idea)

Oh dear. Have I seemed to have hit a nerve?

-dangles Sir Brian Ulric Titus Theodore Odicus Charlie Katherine Septimous the Fourty Seventh and a Half, or Sir B.U.T.T.O.C.K.S, as i like to point out, the Purple Sparkly Synthetic Mountain Lion off the edge of a cliff-

-hears you smashing a second giant peach against the wall in anger as you hear my thoughts yet again-

Well anyways, Jasper is waiting, and you know what its like,

-pauses- ok, well maybe you don't.

–laughs cruelly-

xx The Golden Child

(You know it's true, because, after all,

I am the most lovedin the family.)

P.S: Reply quickly like I know you will –taps head knowingly-

P.P.S: And Remember: I OWN YOU.

Warning: If you don't review this chapter a big hairy vampire will come to your bed and rape your dog.

Edward: Errr... doesn't that mean that the big hairy vampire would rape your dog in YOUR BED?

Ewwww.

Alice: Uh huh. I wouldn't want to risk it if I were them.

(screams at you the reader) SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? QUICK BEFORE THE BIG HAIRY VAMPIRE COMES!! REVIEW! REVIEW FOR YOUR LIVES! AND YOUR DOGS VIRGINITY!