Grantaire's p.o.v
Thinking back, the way his bitten down nails clicked on the old and dying laptop. Or the way he bit his lip when he zoned out from the world around him. It seems like a vicious, vile and vivid dream. His once tainted red cheeks were a ghostly white. Not like his naturally pale skin. But a deathly shade." Well what do you expect? He is dead." I whispered to myself. The realization made my throat catch and my stomach turn. I'll never see the way his dark eyes dance as he talks passionately as he sang on stage. Or the way his hair lays across his forehead. The half smile he wore when he listened to his cracked, half destroyed ipod. I ran out of the hospital room. Down the corridors, past patients with their young kids. Doctors drinking coffee during a long night shifts. Nurses that screamed at me for running down the hospital stair cases. Everything was wrong. The smell of bleach permeated and burned my nose. White walls felt like they were too bright and closing in. Trying to suffocate me. At least then I wouldn't feel like I'm on fire. I took two, four steps at a time. Needing fresh air or I would pass out.
The bitter night air hit my face like a solid break wall. I walked to the bench a few steps away. The world spun around like a merry go round. My stomach seemed less keen on keeping my food down and forced me to release the contents onto the grass beside me. "Kier everything is your fault. If you didn't fuck up he would still be alive." The snarling voice told me. This was joined in with a chorus of blame and hatred. "You are too pathetic to even think about anyone else but yourself. You never deserved him." I felt a silver tear drop from my cheek, onto my hand. They were right though. A useless coward like me never gets the guy . And Laurence was the one. I was shocked when he spoke to me in the first place. I remember the way his eyes shined in the December sunlight. But because I'm the most paranoid twat in London, I lost him. I listened to the voices of contempt. Found enemies in the ones I loved and cared for. Laurence had cried and cried for me to stay. But I had lost my hold on reality. He begged me to reason, to hear his side.
"Jehannnnn, I think you have drunk enough." Feuilly was wary of the intoxicated poet, we had been at a rally so after finishing we went to have a drink. "I'm fine Feuilly." Jehan managed to say between slurs. "Courfy do you want a drink?" I asked, turning to the man next to me. "No thanks, I'll be the sober one." He said before I got up. Giving him a kiss on the cheek lightly. You don't deserve him. He is going to realize that and leave. The all too familiar voice hissed to me. "Please not now, just for once please stop." I automatically replied under my breath. Feeling the sickening panic build in my stomach. What did you do to help anyone, to become worthy of someone like him. Ordering my drink quickly I sat back in my seat. The walls were moving left to right as the unwanted thoughts attacked me. What if Courfeyrac doesn't actually love me. He could be cheating on me, laughing at how stupid I am. "Taire, you ok?" Courf asked, snapping me out of my delirious thoughts. "Um, yeah. I'm going to go to the bathroom." I quickly escaped, to the dimly lit room which had a broken mirror hanging over a small sink with a rusted tap.
I calmed my breathing. Slowly counting to 10 before turning to leave. When I walked to the table, feeling a bit better and calmer. I realized all the guys but Courfeyrac had gone off somewhere. Also that there was another guy there. See he could anyone, so why would he want to be with you? "Hey,Taire are you feeling better?" He asked. I forced myself to speak. "Much." Gritting my teeth while I sat in my seat. "Grantaire this is Alex." He is much more attractive than you. I bet Courfeyrac was laughing at you with him. You are so pathetic. I was reaching the end of my wits. "I'm going. See you later Courfeyrac." I ran out before I could hear his reply. See you run away from your problems, you're such a useless coward. I got back to the flat in ten minutes. The flat was empty, the others must still be at the pub or out. I ran my hand through my dark hair, not sure what to do. I bet he loves Alex more than me. This allowed the tears to start pouring down my face. My knees gave way so I ended up in the fetal position on the floor. God your such a waste of oxygen. You know that you are not needed in the Les Amis, that they will get rid of you. Courfeyrac is more attractive and a better human. "PLEASE FUCKING STOP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. After a while I heard the door open. "R? Why are you acting up all of a sudden?" Courfeyrac questioned, hurt filled his voice.
"Why would you care?" I spat out venomously. "I care because I love you. Now what the fuck has gotten into you?" He raised his voice, "Nothing has gotten into me! I am fine." I don't know why I'm not thinking straight but I just feel so self conscious about not being good enough for him. Because you're not good enough for him Grantaire. "I don't even now why you are so irate right now. If you tell me whats wrong we can fix it." He said sitting next to me. "I don't think it can be fixed." I mumble quietly. Before seeing hurt flash in his eyes. "What does this mean for us?" He said slumping over slightly. "I-I think we shouldn't be together." I say while a tear silently streamed down my cheek. Wow you are so pathetic, crying. Like that will make him want to keep you. He probably is relieved about you leaving him. "Why Taire? Everything is, was perfect. Please don't leave." He cried to me. Acting! "It was perfect but it's changed. I'm not good enough for you. Sorry Courf." I said before fleeing out the flat before he hates me more. Poor Grantaire, everything is so difficult for you isn't it? Grow the fuck up. I already miss Courfeyrac, I want to go back to the flat and kiss him. I can't though. If he didn't hate me before he would definitely despise me now. At least I woon't hurt him anymore.
I tossed him aside, the anxiety of being on his own ate him up. He couldn't hang on. When I snapped out of my daze he was already gone. His eyes shut and his last breath left his lungs. He was gone before paramedics arrived. Now his ghost is all that is left behind and now haunts me. He taught me to open up. I taught him to self-destruct. When I found him with the bottle clasped in his hand and the empty boxes of codeine on the counter, he took away my reason to fight. I took one look at the full moon. It reminded me of when we would lie outside in winter. Bundled in blankets and coats. The way he said the moon had a beautiful sadness which matched the stars that burned like small fires in the night sky. The moon was now mocking me for my foolishness. What is the point of living when half of you died? I decided that this would be the last night. Tomorrow I would be with him. I will be able to feel nothing. I would finally be numb. The feeling I have longed for since my early teenage years. No matter how much I loved him, I would feel an empty void inside my chest. It was a blackhole feeding on my emotions. Just leaving me as a hollow body. I felt like I had no soul. That all was left, was cold core that made me feel so pathetic throughout life.
I left the hospital. Walking to where ever my feet took me. The roads were dark as the lampposts were broken. The wind was damp with the hid me, wrapped me up in a blanket of despair. And I liked it, no one should see a monster like me. I belong to the shadows like a childhood fear of the dark. Or the rolling anxiety of being fears leave a tangible trace behind them, they left a metallic taste in your mouth for hours afterwards. I ended up at a small corner shop that was open even though the early hours. Picking up a bottle vodka, placing a twenty pound note on the counter. "Keep the change." The man didn't question my decision. I was grateful for that, I don't deserve to talk to actual humans. I am a wolf in sheep skin. I don't belong anywhere but 6ft under. I rejoined the night. I saw a bridge and thought this is it. The lamps created a harsh light against soft brick floor, which were a fading dull grey. The alcohol burned as I downed it. Contrasting with the icy night air, which felt like death was breathing down the back of my neck. My fingers ran down the frozen metal. I breathed in deep and climbed over unsteadily. Was this stupidity or genius? My intoxicated state made the choice easier. I have never been religious but on the verge of ending my life. I decided to pray. "Well I rather end it all tonight than live a life without him." With that I close my eyes and let go. Everything slowed,the air rushed through my hair. Before hit the surface of the murky river were I would wash away my mistakes and make piece with my life.
A\N- The title is from the song Bulls in the Bronx by Pierce the Veil. But other songs that inspired me while writing this where
Bulletproof love- Pierce the veil
A Match into water- Pierce the veil
Could we burn darling? - Fearless vampire killers
Helena (So long and good night)- my chemical romance
Thank you reading my slightly morbid oneshot and please comment. Also I edited this from a band oneshot I wrote so if there is any names that aren't meant to be there tell me so I can alter it.
Rachel xxxx