Title: The Weakness In Me
Author: wildwordwomyn
Word Count: 1272
Fandom/Pairing: Fringe starring Olivia Dunham/Astrid Farnsworth, mention of John Scott and Peter Bishop
Rating: NC-17 for some serious angst and dub-con sex of the lesbian variety
Author's Notes: I have no idea where this came from. I blame Olivia...
Disclaimers/Warnings: This takes place after "The Day We Died" so there are some spoilers up through that episode. Also, I don't own or rent any of the people/places/things involved. Please don't sue?
Summary: Olivia's lost. The only person who can find her this time is Astrid.
"Olivia?" I can hear the younger agent's voice but it's tinny. Or maybe it's just me. I shouldn't be here. I know that. But Peter's gone and even if there were anyone else I could go to she's the only one I trust. "I'll buzz you in."
That's what I like about the woman. She's practical, efficient, organized. When something needs done, she does it. The agent part of her doesn't even question, which will hopefully come in handy tonight, because I don't want to deal with questions. Especially when I don't know the answers.
Once I hear the buzzer I open the door and walk past the elevators to the stairwell. I climb them two at a time to reach her 4th floor apartment and am surprised to see her standing in her doorway. All she has to do is look at my face before pulling me inside and pouring me a generous tumbler full of bourbon. When I raise an eyebrow she grins sheepishly but doesn't tell me why she has three bottles in a cabinet over the sink. I sit in a comfortably plush chair and down the first inch in one gulp. I make sure to sip the rest. I may be desperate for something tonight but alcohol poisoning isn't it.
Astrid stands against her breakfast bar, leaning casually with her arms crossed over her chest. She shows her concern only in her eyes. Her stance is open, curious. While I'm still wearing the black pantsuit and white button-down I'd worn to the lab today she's wearing a white tank top tucked into hip-hugging gray sweatpants and bunny slippers. It takes me a second to realize it's past midnight. These are her lounge clothes. And she hadn't been expecting company because her brown nipples are visible through the thin cotton. I'm staring at them, although I'm not sure why.
"Olivia, are you okay? Do you need anything?"
I don't know. I just...I actually have no idea what's going on in my head right now. Everything's so fuzzy it's confusing. And I keep seeing those nipples, keep thinking she should really put something else on because her crossed arms are pushing her breasts up and her nipples are pointing at me and her pants aren't leaving much about her curves to the imagination but they look so damn soft my fingers are itching to touch them.
I turn my head, take another big gulp of the liquor, then reach out my hand when I notice the glass is empty. She grabs the bottle and pours more for me without hesitation. I wonder if she's lost someone before. She may be younger than me but that doesn't mean her life's been easy.
"Stay here tonight?" She smiles hesitantly, as if I'm fragile, about to break apart if she says anything else. I reply by taking a small sip of the bourbon. It's working on me already, though. It's been too long since I last ate and my limbs are loosening, despite my efforts to tighten them back up. "Olivia, I-."
"Stop!" I yell. Cringing at how loud my voice carried, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Would you please stop saying my name like that?" Her eyes widen. Whether in fear or admonishment, I can't tell. Either way it's another reminder of all the things I shouldn't be.
This is why I don't like to lose control. It leaves me open to too much emotion. I hold back to hold on. After John I had to. And now Peter. I've let myself love twice, and both times I've come out the loser. I don't think I can do it anymore.
When Astrid drops to her knees in front of me to hug me I'm surprised out of the darkness that's been creeping up on me. I'd forgotten all about her. But she feels warm and small. She feels strong. I wasn't expecting that. As an agent she has to keep in shape, has to keep up on fighting skills. We learn that lesson early on at the academy. Somehow, Astrid's strength seems more solid than my own, like an anchor. I lay my head on her shoulder, breathing in a whiff of vanilla and jasmine from the crook of her neck. I find myself wanting to cry but the tears won't come. If Astrid was in my shoes she'd be crying, I think. She'd be the one looking to me for comfort. She'd be looking for me to hold her like she's holding me now. Only I probably wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be too cautious, too aware of how much her weakness mirrored my own. The worst part about it is, Astrid wouldn't even think of it in those terms.
"Olivia?" She calls my name in a slightly breathless voice. I'd been subconsciously mouthing at her neck.
I pull back, shocked once again by my uncharacteristic behavior. She's watching my face warily and I can't blame her. I try to apologize. The words lodge themselves in my chest unfortunately. Instead of running away I grab her thick, curly hair and bring her mouth to mine in the kind of kiss that knocks the wind out of me. Astrid tastes like peppermint toothpaste and her lips are deliciously ripe. She gasps, making some protesting noise that I ignore. She'd asked what I needed. It took some time but now I know. I need to not think for a while. Hell, I need to not feel for a while. To just be, and sex has always allowed me to do that. I'm also grateful that she doesn't smell or feel like the men I've been with. Astrid is all woman, making it easier to get to that place inside where nothing exists except this.
Her arms wrap around my waist, tightening by degrees until I can't catch my breath. I whimper and plan another type of attack. I let go of her hair to brush my fingertips against the nipples that had fascinated me earlier. When she moans I savor the sound and keep kissing her. I'm not aware that she's pulling me out of the chair until I land on the floor on top of her. Before I can stop myself I hungrily shove my hand down her pants and, glad to find she's bare inside them and already wet, plunge my fingers into the core of her. She climaxes immediately, shouting out my name.
Everything becomes clear in that instant. I'm having sex with my subordinate. A female agent I work with at that. All to make up for the fact that my heart is literally aching when the truth is nothing takes the pain away. Not even the woman under me. I take my hand out of her pants roughly, sitting up and turning away in shame.
"Hey, don't. Olivia," Astrid sighs and sits up herself, tucking my hair behind my ears, "I wasn't saying no. I didn't want to say no." I blink rapidly, wondering if maybe the sudden moisture in my eyes is from those tears I've been waiting for. "Whatever you need, okay? I'm not going anywhere."
That's when they finally start rolling down my face. Astrid wipes at my eyes before pushing on the back of my head. When she leans back onto the floor I finally get the hint, planting the right side of my face on her breast. She strokes my hair tenderly with one hand while the other rubs circles into my back. "It's okay," she whispers. "You'll be okay."
...I wish I could believe that...
The End