So i've been in kind of a writing slump today and i was feeling all deep and stuffs so i wrote this, hope you like it. I'll try and update How Long Does Forever Last and Not Who YOu Think I Am soon. If you haven't, check them out(: Read, Enjoy, Review.
It was funny: the way that the movement of the pencil across the paper soothed such a savage soul. The way that the ink flowed onto the canvas, so vast, like how nature seemed painted in the most raw, beautiful form. It seemed as if it were there for but a moment, then like the wind disappeared. That's why I was left with a room full of unfinished canvases, partial pictures, and half-finished sculptures. Each stared with a longing for their other half, none being content with their incompleteness. I wasn't sure if the unfinished work was a sign of my frustration or the sign of my own need to find answers.
It didn't surprise me that he found me here. He seemed to be everywhere I went, and no matter how hard I tried to get away, he pulled me back like metal to a magnet. It wasn't that I didn't want him in my life; it was more of I didn't have a choice.
"Dad," I whispered. The wind blew through the open window as the sketches of willowed trees and open plains scattered around the room. "I don't know what to do now. I left to find answers and I got them. Now I'm stuck in a room of unfinished artwork and it all means nothing. I see the images in my head but pen on paper can never seem to place it just right. I feel like their telling me something that I just don't understand. I need guidance. I need someone to help me. I need…you." I was in tears. Water droplets pounded on the floor as I let my sobs flow freely. It was funny, almost, how my inability to remember who I was, where I was, and what I'd been, all came back around to the one person I knew couldn't give me the answers that I wanted.
"You're not going to respond. I know that. I just want someone to help me feel not so alone. Bex won't talk to me, and the other girls; I feel like they realize I'm here, but in their minds I'm still in the Alps, or maybe even dead. I just feel so alone. I don't even know what Zach thinks right now. He's so infatuated with Bex to even realize that I've come back. Mom's not letting me out of her sight and I just feel like that's adding to my loneliness. When I come in here I see pictures of a confused, scared girl, not the super-spy confident person I was when I left. Things are just changing too fast for me to process what's going on. Dad, please, help me if you can." I knew that there wasn't going to be response though.
The wind rustled the papers in my drawing room. Many of them spread around as a couple flew out the window. I had no worries of someone finding them. I'd draw them on evapopaper, so if they landed in the grass they'd be gone by the morning dew. Almost all the papers had been blown out the window when the gust ended. Only two remained. One was of two hands joined together, but only one of the hands was completed. The other hand was still in the rough sketches, barely recognizable as a hand. The second was a landscape I had been working on before I got frustrated and threw my pencil against the wall. I could still see the image in my head. It was a green field on a cliff. There were ruins of some sort, but I couldn't be sure. I had gotten to the outline of the ruins before giving up.
"You know," a voice, said from behind me, "sulking isn't good for the soul."
"Go away Zach. You're not welcome here." It was strange, telling someone to leave me alone when loneliness had seemed to be my problem.
"From what I've heard, you seem to want someone to keep you company, so request denied." Zach sat in the stool next to me and began flipping through the pages of an old sketchbook I had from when I first came to Gallagher. "So Gallagher Girl, what's wrong. I know as far as the 'I'm-so-lonely-woe-is-me' act, but tell me what I can do to help. I'm looking around here and I'm not seeing a whole bunch of happy."
"Maybe you can't help!" I snapped at him.
"Don't shoot the messenger. I just call them as I see them. Cam, you got to realize: you were gone. We didn't know if you were going to come back or not. I went out of my mind nuts trying to find you. I couldn't imagine what would possess you to do something as stupid as run away like that, and then I remembered that something was me. When I said I wanted you to run away, I mean to take me with you. I could have protected you. You could still have your memory and we could be on our way to take out the Circle right now."
"This is exactly what I mean!" I exclaimed, "Everyone is looking at me like it's my fault. It's my fault that the Circle is after me. It's my fault that they'll do anything to keep me from remembering. It's my fault that I want to keep the people I love safe. Everything I do is my fault, even though I don't have a choice about what happens. Zach, you don't get it and you never will. This isn't the life I chose. I was supposed to have a dad. I was supposed to be able to go to school without worrying if everyone will get killed because of me. I'm supposed to remember what happened this summer. I'm supposed to be normal! You'll never understand what it's like for me."
"You don't think I do?" He asked with a chuckle. "My mom is the leader of a terrorist organization. I never met my dad. The guy I see as a dad is currently in a vegetative state, and who knows when, or if, he'll wake up. My mom is currently trying to kill the girl I love and she ran away this summer causing me to go insane. You don't think I know that life is hard? You don't think I know that life can be unfair, because let's face it Gallagher Girl, I got the short end of the stick as much as you did."
"Then answer me this: why Bex?" He gave me a confused look before he answered.
"Bex and I are friends, true and honest. I don't know what your deal is Cammie, but she would never do that to you. I would never do that to you. I love you too much, and I'm not about to let you slip away from me again."
"You love me?" I asked.
"I've loved you since the moment I saw you unconscious and bloody at the bottom of that laundry shoot in Boston. I've loved you since I jumped out of Macey's compartment on that train and had to go face my mother telling her I lost you. I loved you every minute of every day that you were gone." Zach turned to me and placed his lips on mine. I felt hot tears running down my eyes as I pulled his head closer to mine. My eyes were shut tight as our passion ignited like fireworks in the sky.
Both coming up for air, Zach pressed his forehead against mine. "Promise me," he asked, "Promise me you'll never leave me like that again."
"Zach, you know I-"
"Please, even if you can't, just say you'll try." He kissed me again, but shorter this time.
"I promise you I'll try. I promise you that I will try never to leave you. I promise to be by your side. Zach, I promise to lo-"
"Cammie, please, don't make that promise. I know what your going to say, and don't promise me that. Please. I know you think that now, but…" he let the words trail off. I noticed the little streams of water running down Zach's cheeks.
"You're crying."
"You really don't understand me, do you Gallagher Girl?" He wiped the tears from his cheeks and gave me an amused smirk.
"Maybe I don't know, but I know that I will, in time."
"Zach, I know you said it, and now it's my turn. I lov-"
"You don't need to say it," Zach interrupted. "It would only break me more if you said it and didn't mean it. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days, and I just needed to tell you. Don't tell me anything, please, it will only hurt you more."
"Okay, I won't say it, but you still know that I do, and I will." He nodded and pulled me into a hug. As we sat in the art room, Zach told me a bit about his past and what it was like growing up in the Circle. I could tell that he hadn't told anyone this before because as he spoke, each time he recalled a memory, his grip on my hand and waist would tighten. It was almost as if he were holding on the only thing that kept him tied to the ground.
"It was so hard, growing up, doing all those things, I wasn't even aware I was doing. I'm just scared that bringing down the Circle, doing all these 'good' things will repair the damage I've done in my life. I was supposed to be the greatest Circle agent since Ioseph himself. As a kid, I dreamed about being that agent, and then I realized that life isn't all marshmallows and rainbows like I thought it was. As I got older, I realized that there are cruel people in the world. People who enjoy torture, people who enjoy killing others, and people who enjoy orchestrating it all. I realized that I didn't want to be like any of these people. I was my own person, and I chose my destiny. I chose to be with you."
"Your with us now Zach, you have no debts and you have no worries. Just remember that you will always be the good guy in my eyes. I trust you and that's all that matters." I lay my head on his shoulder as he lets out a huge sigh.
"I know you do." We sat in a comfortable silence for a while before he broke it.
"I want to try something." Zach suggested. I gave him a nod to tell him to go ahead. He readied one of the easels and set up a canvas. Quickly, he grabbed a pencil and began to sketch. It seemed like he took minutes, but checking my internal watch, I noticed it took him two hours to finish his sketch. Turning it around, I noticed that it was me sitting by the curtain of the art room. At least, I think it was me. His drawing wasn't very good.
"I look like a monkey." I commented.
"An adorable monkey." He winked and I laughed. "There," he said placing the sketch on the wall with a thumbtack. "Now you have a completed drawing for your art room." I smiled.
"I guess I do." He smiled back at me and sat back down next to me, placing his arm around my shoulder.
"You know," I told him, "I don't feel so lonely anymore."
"I know you don't." He smiled again as we lay down on the dusty floor of our art room.
"It's not my art room anymore. It's ours." He squeezed my shoulder as we continued to talk about all the pictures I had in the room.
"I love you." I interrupted him at one point. He didn't interrupt me this time, only smiled. I knew my feelings were true. I loved him, and I will die to protect him.
"I know you do."