To Give Up a Human Heart

Disclaimer: yeah, because if I owned Star Trek, this is how I'd use it. Not mine; it all belongs to some big wigs from Hollywood. And possibly J.J. Abrams.
Rating: PG-13 of the strong kind
Warnings: numerous literary references ahead
Timeline: Star Trek: Into Darkness AU
A/N: sequel to The Arrangement and Cordelia's Dower.

"You could not give up a human heart as you could give up drinking. The drink was yours, and you could give it up: but your lover's soul was not your own: it was not at your disposal; you had a duty towards it." ― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

# # #

Second Science Officer Log. Personal. The war with the Klingons is over, but safe for the signing of an armistice, one would scarcely notice it. Both sides are too distrustful of each other to begin negotiating for a real peace treaty. So we stare menacingly at each other over the Neutral Zone from well-armed stations and outposts. Fighting might have stopped for now, but the hostility endures.

In the aftermath of the war, the Alpha Quadrant is worse for the wear. The growing insecurity has benefited pirates and criminals and the Orion Syndicate has risen to be a galactic power onto itself, the daring nature of its attacks unprecedented. They have made repeated incursions into Federation space, putting the border colonies at increased risk. Intelligence indicates the Klingons have the same problems. It's not the only thing we and our enemy have in common: we apparently both fear an attack either coming from the Cardassians or from the Romulans, wanting to take advantage of our weakening in the aftermath of the war.

Overall, the atmosphere in Starfleet is bleak, as we watch the borders and the future with frightened, uncertain eyes. Under the circumstances, I worry about more commanding officers following the precedent my father set in terms of the end justifying the means. However, people like Admiral Pike and the crew aboard the USS Enterprise give me hope in the opposite direction. I have been serving on this ship for ten months now and I must say it has been nice to be reminded of all the things I used to hold dear about Starfleet.

I have been greatly concerned about my adapting to my old job, especially in the aftermath of my father's conviction for treason. However, the process was made considerably easier by the unmitigated support of Captain Kirk and that of his senior officers. Safe for the occasional gossip, I have spared uncomfortable questions and mentioning of my time on Ceti Alpha V or of my relationship with Khan.

The report of my psychological evaluation seems to be enough for Jim, yet I sense that Mister Spock, the first officer, remains skeptical of me. The same cannot be said for his girlfriend and Chief Communication Officer of the Enterprise. Nyota and I have become quite good friends and I am thankful for her backing. She has made fitting in that much easier for me. The other person I feel obliged to is the captain himself. Though I'm aware he is interested in something more than my friendship, I am far from ready to accept the overtures of anyone. Fortunately, perhaps because of the difference in our ranks, Jim has not pressed for more.

I have yet to confide in him or anyone else for that matter about what went on between me and Khan. During the Enterprise's most recent visit to Earth right before we embarked on the highly-anticipated and much-postponed five year mission, I have made inquires into the annulment of our marriage, however I have yet to file any paperwork on it. The Augments value loyalty in all aspects of life above anything else and I cannot bear the thought that Khan would think of me as treacherous as my father. I am aware that I will never see him again and that I will have to move on at some point, yet for now there is no comfort to be found in that thought.

Sometimes, after a particularly difficult shift, I find myself lying awake in my bed thinking about him and his people. They presumably rebuilt the colony. If so, did they find my previous insights into the installations needed for its good functioning of any use? Do they even remember that I used to be a part of their lives or are they just glad to be rid of me? Despite my affection for Nyota, I feel the loss of Kati. Some days I come across something she would get a kick of and I miss her dry humor and startling yet refreshing cynicism.

My longing for Khan is something I cannot bring myself to confront outside my dreams, either. No, that's no quite true. Every time I open one of those paper books I never cared for before, I am reminded of him. Of his voice as he read to me, of his rare smiles, of the way he looked at me every time I helped his people unconditionally, of his caresses. There is no denying. While he might have deceived me, my feelings for him were... are real.

Beyond the manipulations, the killer-machine his creators tried to make him into and his superior ambition, there is a passionate and incredibly brave man. A man who is loyal to a fault to his family. For the longest time I thought my attraction to him was rooted in his intelligence, formidable even among the Augments. The more time I spend away from him, the more I understand that it was the unexpected speck of kindness that I have begun to love about him. As his favorite author would put it: the warm spark at the heart of an arctic crystal.

Unfortunately, all of these can lead to only one outcome: my inability to put him behind me. Even as I strive to do so, I cannot help but hope to see him again one day. Sometimes as I roam the pristine halls of the Enterprise, my mind slips back to the gray skies and the violent winds of Ceti Alpha V. Although part of me will always look up to what Starfleet represents, I have come to better comprehend that aiding in erecting a whole new world in a hostile environment was no small feature.

Nobody is more surprised than me, but it seems I have a bit of a pioneer spirit in me. Here, in my carefully ordered world, I find myself nostalgically thinking back to the roughness of the Augments world. Other times I am angry with myself. This is what I wanted and where I wanted to be. I should be happy.

Yet I wonder what else I didn't know about myself before my arrival to the Ceti Alpha system. I feel both like cursing and blessing that day. Before it everything was so clear, so simple and dare I say, pure. I was so secure in my convictions of the utter nobility of the Federation and the perfection of our way of life. My vision was clearly divided in black and white. I would have laughingly dismissed anyone telling of the existence of something so shady as Section 31. I worshiped my father, our terrestrial paradise and the Charter. Now I live among fallen idols and dealing in the gray is emotionally and morally taxing.

I wish I could, but I cannot pretend everything is the same, when in fact, everything has changed. The truths I now know, the secrets I carry haunt me and are frequently more painful than my conflicted memories of Khan. My ego is bruised by his rejection and a part of me resents him for getting so many uncomfortable things right about my world. I want him to have looked me in the eye, when he sent me away. I want him to have asked me to stay and at the same time I'm fully aware I would have told him no.

There is an old, possibly apocryphic Chinese curse: may you come to the attention of people in power; may you live in interesting times and may you get what you want. Considering the events in both my private life and the recent history of the Federation, I can only conclude that the ancient Chinese really knew their curses.

# # #

Hendorff lay on his back on the floor of the training area, gasping for breath. Carol swore she could feel the room temperature instantly drop a few degrees. It was the third time that had happened since she was on board, but she hoped she had learnt her lesson after violently putting down Madeline the first time around and bruising a security officer's ribs the second by using tactics she had picked up while sparring with the Augments. The problem was that while she could charge at any of them at full force, same could not be said about regular humans and most aliens on the Enterprise.

After the first incident, even Nyota had stared at her dubiously and McCoy had speedily scheduled her for a medical exam. He had claimed it was all routine, but Carol had figured out he wanted to check her out for side affects of the transfusion of Khan's blood. He had found none and never mentioned the affair again. While Carol had not been surprised at the results, she had expected Kirk or Spock to drop a few hints or outright ask what had happened, despite her not having broken any regulations. Yet that had not come to pass.

She knew that there were lasting consequences of her time with the Augments. However, none of those would ever show up on any medical scanner. The superhumans were always hyper aware of their surroundings and of the potential threats wherein and Khan or her friends among them had had no qualms about teaching her to use even her duller senses to constantly be on her guard. That proved extremely beneficial during away missions, but on the ship it only served to put her colleagues on edge.

As she extended her hand to poor Hendorff, apologizing profusely, she could feel the uneasy gazes of everyone in the room on her back, while the sound of whispering traveled to her ears.

# # #

"I thought I was the only one on board who still reads those," the captain's voice startled her out of Tennyson's Idylls of the King, sounding unusually loud in the otherwise empty rec room.

She blinked and lifted her eyes from the page to look at Jim, who stood before her, a cup of something, presumably coffee, in his hand. She had barely suppressed the urge to slam the book on the table and jump up, ready to attack, before her brain could derail her instincts. Maybe her fellow crewmen were right to talk behind her back about her abnormal responses. She was no longer on an unpredictable, wild planet, but in a safe environment, on a Starfleet vessel. Her well-ingrained impulses should have faded out by now.

"Lord Tennyson's poems?" she asked, relaxing her posture and raising the book so he could catch a glimpse of the cover.

"No," Kirk responded with a boyish smile. "Real paper books," he explained. "Do you mind if I sit?" he asked gesturing to the chair across from her.

She shook her head no. "You're much more full of surprises than your reputation suggests," she noted.

He almost choked on the sip he was in the process of taking from his mug. "I have a reputation?"

His confusion made her instantly regret her comment, as she was reminded of his typical kicked puppy reaction at being insulted. For someone so confident and boisterous, Kirk could be oddly insecure at times, which in turn made her less than sure of how to deal with him.

"This is about your friend, Christine, isn't it?" he said mournfully, before she could open her mouth to speak. "How is she?"

"Still on the outer frontier. Doing very well. She is a dating a colleague."

"Good, that's good," he remarked still not meeting her eyes. Then as though through magic, he recovered and smiled at her again."Couldn't sleep?"

She had almost forgotten it was supposed to be night-time by the ship's clock. "I have bouts of insomnia every now and then," she admitted but neglected to mention how claustrophobic the Enterprise sometimes seemed to her. She had left her quarters for the rec room in an attempt to give herself more breathing space.

"I know what you mean," he said, rubbing at his temples.

She looked at him more carefully then and noticed his blood-shot eyes and the bruised skin under them. With the ship bouncing between their mission and the frequent distress calls from both colonies and transport vessels, there was a lot of responsibility resting on the captain's young shoulders. She was just about say something comforting, when the alert from the bridge communication system sounded.

"Bridge to Captain Kirk," Lieutenant Hannity requested.

Said captain got to his feet. "Kirk here."

"Sir, I have a priority one message from Admiral Pike for you," Hannity informed him.

Kirk shot Carol an apologetic look. She just nodded in comprehension.

"On my way."

TBC