AN: I'm not sure I actually like this. I'm not sure if I stayed true to their characters at all.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Personal Log

Stardate 2264.09.2

I don't get that idiot sometimes. Fool kid must think he's god or invincible or something. I just can't believe the situations the damn kid gets himself into. Especially on a peaceful planet. With no humanoid species present. On the pre-mission scan, the most dangerous threat was a type of bear that was in the middle of hibernation. What could go wrong, Jim said. It would be a simple exploratory mission, Jim said. Don't worry Bones, you stress too much, Jim said.

Idiot Captain. Plenty to worry about. The away team hadn't been gone for half an hour when Spock was calling for an emergency beam up straight to sickbay. For the Captain – what a surprise. No really, it was a surprise. So much of a surprise in fact that I had already prepped a biobed as soon as I heard Jim say that he was going to be a part of the away team.

Spock showed up in sickbay holding Jim limp in his arms. The biobed was spitting out preliminary readings as I ran the tricorder over Jim's body. Kid was a mess. Blood covered his uniform, he had deep laceractions all over his torso, and it looked like his pancreas had decided that it would be a good time to start bleeding.

I was in surgery for the rest of alpha shift and half way through beta. The list of complications was so damn long, I stopped typing them. Besides, it's not like anyone cares for him but me. It was different though. Typing all those problems onto the PADD in my office and seeing Jim on the biobed. It hurt this time. More than I thought it would.

He's too still. I'm so used to him buzzing around the ship, bugging me about everything, asking so many questions that he can barely stop to listen to the answers. Or debating with Scotty over the merits of this engineering update or the illegal one that Scotty thought was better that Jim would have to explain to Starfleet at some point when they docked for maintenance. And probably get in shit for.

So here I am. Sitting next to my best friend in the whole universe, watching him heal in a medically induced coma once again. With too much time to myself to think. No one gets me like he does. No one even cares. To most I was the crazy doctor (with good reason damnit) that should never have been allowed into Starfleet, nevermind a CMO. But Jim fought for me. He listened to me. Sat with me when I was down or listened to one of my ripping rants on how screwed up the world was and how it should get a grip.

Just like our academy days he still helped me drink my bourbon. Even the stuff I hid in my room and office that no one knew about. I sat with him when he needed to talk about the ships business or when he needed to vent about how brutally boring his orders were.

Honestly, after the whole Narada thing I think Jim finds Captaining a tad dull. But he talks to me about it, and I talk to him about the idiots he has working for him. I mean honestly, if that young yeoman comes to me one more time complaining of his allergies, I can't be held accountable for my actions. I told Jim that last night. He just laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

He's very tactile actually. That's why I hate sitting here watching him - unmoving, dead to the world. It's not normal not to have his hands on me in some way. Either his arm around my shoulders, a hand running down my arm, sitting right next to me so our thighs were touching or running his fingers over my cheek towards my lips.

And that smile. Oh god I love him and his smile. The way his mouth quirks and his eyes light up just for me.

Oh.

Shit.

God fucking damnit. I am one shit stupid fucking retarded idiot. How did I not realize this earlier? The fool hasn't slept with anyone since the Narada – yes with limited opportunities, but shore leave he has always stuck by my side. He has more stuff in my quarters than I do. Seriously. The only reason he leaves is to shower (bastard has a real shower) and sleep most nights. Although, that had been less of late – retard said my couch was comfy.

He can't live without me and I can't live without him. We changed our emergency contact information last year since we are basically each others' family. I talked to him about everything. We bicker. He makes me laugh – when no one is there to see. He bugs me when I am too serious and I bug him to take things a bit more to heart.

I missed him. He is not even a foot away from me and I am so desperate to feel his touch that I wrap my hand in his. I need to hear his voice.

That's the difference isn't it. A friend you want to hear from. Someone you love you need to hear from.

I fell in love with my best friend without even realizing it. And I'm pretty sure he loves me back.

I hardly remember putting my head down as I thought, but I must have.

I woke up to Jim running his fingers through my hair. I was too comfortable to move much, so I turned my head. His eyes were barely open but I could see the electric blue of his iris' peeking out at me. I can barely breathe when he looks at me like that. When he gives me all of his attentions – that idiot genius brain of his focused solely on me. And threw caution to the wind.

"God Jim I love you."

His eyes squeezed shut and his fingers tightened painfully in my hair.

A sigh. "I love you too Bonsey."

I just sat there looking at him for a while. "You should be sleeping still. Your fool ass needs to heal. I put a lot of effort in putting your back together you know."

"Just like always."

I pulled his hand out of my hair and pressed a gentle kiss to his palm. "Yeah like always. Go back to sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up. We'll talk then."

"Ok Bones."

When those blues disappeared, I intertwined our hands, put my head back down and went back to sleep. Jim may be sleeping and healing (once again), but I had his love and he had mine.

I think that was the best sleep I ever had.