"Hey guys, check this out!"
Gene had just burst into the apartment in excitement with Louise trailing behind him. His keyboard was in his hands and he was looking proud of himself.
"I took a sample every time Miss. LaBonz cleared her throat."
Gene began to play a song completely made up of hacking and smoker's coughs.
"I'm gonna get someone to rap to it." gene said in a matter of fact tone.
Linda clasped her hands together in excitement.
"Oooo how exciting! My little DJ."
"Gene, please, I would be happy if you did literally anything else." Bob weighed in.
"You can't stop it, Dad, Gene'll be cutting his first mixtape any day now." Louise interjected as she flopped in front of the TV.
Bob decided against carrying on the conversation and noticed that they were one kid short.
"Uh, Gene? Louise? Where's Tina?"
"She probably found her true calling and joined a traveling circus or something.." Louise said.
"She's too big for this one horse town. Let her go, Father!" Gene shouted as he changed the pitch of LaBonz's hacking back and forth from low to high.
"Gene, stop that. Louise where is your sister?"
"She went to hang out with Jimmy Jr. She said he had something to tell her." Louis admitted, sounding bored.
"Maybe he's going to propose." Gene suggested. "I always knew those crazy kids would make it!"
Gene began to play the hacking sounds to the tune of a wedding march.
"Gene, cut it out." Bob snapped. "Also, don't talk about your sister getting married. She's thirteen."
"Ugh, can you imagine their kids?" Louise shuddered at the thought.
"Louise, don't talk that way." Linda scolded. "I'm sure your sister and Jimmy Jr would make beautiful babies."
"Lin, please stop."
At that moment, Tina burst into the apartment in tears. Linda and Bob looked at their eldest child in alarm.
"Tina, what's wrong?" Bob asked in alarm as he and Linda stood up and came to her side.
"Jimmy Jr dumped me!" Tina wailed as she ran past her parents and flopped face first onto the couch. "He saids our relationship wasn't spicy enough and he needed a break. He's going to the spring dance with someone else and my life is over." Tina shoved her face into the couch and sobbed.
"Oh, my poor little Teeny Tina!" Linda cried as she crouched down next to her daughter. "Let Mommy hug the heartbreak outta ya, come here." She squeezed her daughter tightly as Tina started to choke a little through her tears.
"Mother, please, before you kill her.' Louise remarked dully.
"Just like you did your first child! You loved her to death!" Gene cried dramatically.
"Okay, that's it." Bob snapped. "This has gone on long enough." Bob turned and began to walk out of the front door. The rest of the family turned to look at him. Even Tina wiped her eyes and looked up from the couch.
"Where are you going, Dad?' She asked.
"I'm going to go have a talk with Jimmy Pesto about his son."
"That's my tough Papa Bobby!" Linda cheered. "On his way to defend his daughter!"
"We'll visit you in the hospital, Dad, don't you worry." Louise assured him.
Bob stomped across the street and burst into the Italian restaurant.
"Jimmy, we need to have a talk." Bob fumed. Jimmy Pesto turned to him with a sneer. He opened his mouth to insult Bob, but didn't get the chance. Bob grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him up against the wall. He was not the type to resort to a level of physical violence, but he had been holding back his contempt for how Jimmy's son had been treating Tina for a long time and seeing Tina in tears over him for the umpteenth time finally caused him to snap.
"woah woah woah, tubby, what's your problem?" Jimmy stammered, still trying to seem tough in front of his alarmed customers.
"I want you to listen to me, Pesto, and I'm only going to say this once. I am sick and tired of watching Jimmy Jr hurt my daughter over and over again. I'd be having this talk with him but I...can't really put my hands on a kid. I'd...probably go to jail." Bob shook his head for a second, recovering from his brief loss of confidence. "Never mind! What matters is your son isn't going to speak to, look at, or even think about Tina ever again or he's going to watch me shove a spatula up his father's ass! Got it?!"
Jimmy just nodded and Bob released him.
"Good." Bob looked over at a nearby chalk board, noticing that Pesto had a pizza of the day. "Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me! "Can't Say Orega-no Pizza"? That's so stupid!"
Bob stomped out of the restaurant and back to his apartment. As he walked back in, he was met by Tina crashing into him, knocking the wind out of him with a hug.
"Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad."
"You guy's heard that all the way across the street?"
"The whole street heard it. You sort of totally lost it for a sec there." Louise chimed it, looking impressed.
"You were like a hairy, out of shape Dwayne Johnson! It was AWESOME!" Gene yelled.
"Wow. I guess I did get kind of...into it. It was kind of...awesome."
As Tina let go, Linda swooped in and squeezed Bob in a tighter embrace. "Oh, Bobby, you were great!"
"Lin...You're choking me."
"I'm just so proud of my big strong papa bear!"
"Lin, please, I can't breathe."
A few hours later, after the kids were sent to bed, Bob and Linda were sitting on their bed. Linda flipped through a magazine while Bob surfed the web on the laptop.
"Hey, Dad?"
Tina stood in the doorway of the bedroom. Bob and Linda looked up at her.
"Yes, Tina?"
Tina came into the room and over to her father's side. "I just wanted to say thanks again for what you did earlier."
Bob gave his daughter a smile and moved the laptop and Tina sat down next to him. "It's all part of being a dad, Tina. You don't have to thank me."
Tina was silent for a moment. "I think I'm finally over Jimmy Jr."
"Really?" Linda asked, looking surprised. After all this time it seems like a miracle that Tina finally took off her rose colored glasses.
"Yeah. Everything today really showed me that he's a jerk. I think I'm going to take a break from boys right now. Until I find one that I know will treat me right."
"The right guy won't ever make you wonder where you stand." Bob said. He placed a hand on Tina's shoulder. "But until he comes along, just remember that I'll always be around to have your back."
"I think, at least for right now, the only guy I need is my Dad."
Bob smiled and hugged his daughter close in a fatherly embrace.
Hours later, around 3am, Bob's eyes snapped open. He stared at the ceiling blankly.
"God, the Can't Say Orega-no Pizza was brilliant."