WELCOME RETURN OF THE SCARF WARRIORS FEAT. THE JOLLY GNU!
Anyone who spots the obvious link wins a virtual verbal appraisal. Any true Doctor Who fan will recognise it.
P.S. Grammar and spelling mistakes possible, is written during exams and therefore not fully concentrated on, and is written and late at night. Oh, and written by Fronque.
The 4th Doctor and Romana were hanging around a forest in 1666, peering closely at a piece of machinery from the 20th century, from somewhere in Australia probably. Meanwhile, a highwayman by the name of Richard Mace was sitting in his tree, questioning his reasoning after meeting the Tereleptils, and his sexuality after meeting Tegan. Below the questioning thief stood two Time Lords and a machine. He dropped from above, and confronted the two. Romana smiled at him.
"Would you like to be introduced?" she asked.
"Oooh, thank you kindly Madam," was the curteous reply.
"Well, it's not that impressive!" Romana retorted.
"Yes of course, it's a Prime," the Fourth said, continuing to play with the offending equipment.
"And with your help, we can prove it!" Astrid declared, rising from the mud. 4 looked oddly confused.
"Yes of course, it's a prime."
"Don't worry son, I've shifted more pianos than you've had hot dinners." Richard Mace said, patting the Doctor on the arm sympathetically. The Doctor stared at him oddly.
"It's a Prime! A Prime Computer from the planet Earth!" He corrected. Suddenly, the TARDIS landed, and the 10th Doctor came out. Then he exited the TARDIS. The 4th Doctor showed him his glorious equipment, which could fill an entire room.
"Hmmm. Mmmm. Terrific. Great." The tenth assessed. "Well, it's not that impressive." Romana said, speaking from experience.
"Is it really a prime computer?" The fourth wanted to know.
"Yup." confirmed the tenth. Just then, Astrid, who had wandered off, ran up to them.
"The universe is about to end!" Cried Romana in terror, seeing her.
"Damn!" the Fourth damned. Clive the Doctor-Obsessed maniac jumped out and caught Astrid in a net.
"Yeah now we've caught yer, we've taken you of the hook, and thrown you in the keepnet." The others stared in bemusement as he threw her in the river.
"One way of shifting it," Richard Mace said, scratching his nose.
All of a sudden the random gallery visitor from City Death who liked the TARDIS as an artform appeared from the sky and howled.
"What are you doing to these poor people I ask you!" "Do you know them?" Romana asked him, edging away slowly.
"Well as I'm here I'd like to juggle for you!" the random gallery tour guide screamed.
"You hum it son, I'll play it," Richard Mace replied, before producing his flute and blowing on it.
"Shh, not so loud!" the fourth complained and they took their noises down by 17 decibels.
"That's better," the Fourth sighed.
Romana decided to engage the gallery visitor in conversation. "Ask it how to handle a woman." She advised the Doctor.
"You mean immediate response?" The Doctor asked, wary about entering a long conversation.
"Doctor!" she pleaded with the tenth, who trying to fish Astrid out of a lake.
The tenth dithered, then decided to say the most sensible sentence he could construct: "You sure about the flamethrower for the baby?"
Romana sighed and looked to the heavens. "Don't tell them anything Doctor," she told both the Doctors, deciding it was best to shut them both up. Just then, a rainbow appeared in the sky, hitting the descending art critic, who exploded. Two rainbow angels materialised in the sky, discussing colours.
"And in the white, and in the green, and in the pink." one said, but the other had set his hopes higher.
"Will gold blend be too good for your guests?"
"All the colours!" proclaimed the first. As they drew closer, the tenth recognised them.
"Hmmm." What he meant by this was he recognised Mr Finch and Dr Constantine decending from the heavens. He fainted in a puff of pink flamethrowers.
"Sixteen!" Romana yelled for no apparent reason.
"I thought madam was a 12?" Dr Constantine asked, mystefied. Just like everyone else.
"Yes!" Romana said while everyone else stared.
However they were staring at the dog than ran past.
"Someone let the dog out!" the Editor yelled as he ran past, until he was out of sight over the next hill. Romana looked at the fourth oddly.
"Do you know them?" Romana asked, referring to the dog.
"Know about them? I've seen them on Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous!" Unfortunately he was interrupted when a cow ran past, closely followed by the Editor yelling "And the cow!" Mr Finch grabbed the cow and handed it to the Editor.
"How can you ever thank me?" he said, fluttering his eyelashes.
"Er, I've got a headache," the Editor replied before sitting on Astrid, who decided to re-enter the conversation with a witty and mature statement.
"Erotic lingerie!"
"Oooh, thank you most kindly madam." Richard Mace said, holding out his hand. Astrid removed her erotic lingerie and handed it to him.
"Hmmm. Yup. Mmmm." The Tenth enthused.
"The most erotic lingerie in the world." Astrid informed Romana, who was looking on with interest. She offered some of the lingerie she was selling to Romana. "Yes!" Romana said, buying it. She then started to change into the frilly undies, and before anyone could stop her, she had stripped from the waist up. She noticed the Fourth Doctor staring at her in horror. "Do you know them?" she asked. "Why should I tell you?" The Doctor said loudly, for the benefit of those listening. The crowd shuffled away, looking disappointed. The Doctor lowered his voice. "Know about them? I've seen them on Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous"
Romana removed the rest of her clothes. "Would you like to be introduced?" she asked. "All right." said the Doctor. Romana put on the erotic lingerie, and the two of them skipped off into the woods.
Jamie and Ace watched them leave, discussing what the Dr and Romana might do when left by themselves in a deeply romantic wood. "Many just wish to consolidate their existing debts or raise money for that special purchase." Jamie suggested, but Ace had seen what the nearby town had to offer. "Over 50 car hire companies." She informed Jamie. Then they returned to their buisness.
Meanwhile, Mr Finch was reporting in to his leader, the President of the World.
"Mr Gap Year!" The President said in greeting. Mr Finch grinned. "Brother."
"Instant coffee?" the President asked, offering Mr Finch a mug.
"You wouldn't happen to be Italian would you?" Mr Finch asked. The President harrumphed and poured the coffee over his head.
Captain Hardaker of the Titantic appeared and grabbed hold of Astrid and hit her with a stick of meat.
"Roast leg of British Lamb!" he declared. Masters jumped out of the sea and gave some recipe tips.
"Bung on some basil, and bung it in the oven!" he advised the Editor.
"That's very nice," the Editor declared, startled.
Meanwhile, the Fourth Doctor and Romana were sitting together in a small wood clearing.
"Do you like it?" Romana asked.
"Like it? I love it!" the Fourth remarked enthusiastically.
"Well it's not that impressive."
"What?"
"Come on Doctor!"
"You're going to be all right..."
"One second, Doctor!" They ceased their activities and looked up as Mr Sin arrived.
"I got you!" he declared.
"Hm?" the Fourth hmmed.
"Dumdumdumdumdudum downg!" Mr Sin yelled, dancing about.
"It's terribly interactive!" Romana noticed, pointing at the dancing computer.
"You mean immediate response? That's how it talks to other computers." the Fourth replied.
"It talks to other computers?" Romana questioned.
"Yes of course! You're going to be alright, kid," the Doctor said, patting Mr Sin on the head, who promptly ran away in fear.
Mr Finch meandered into the glade, just as the Doctor asked:
"Romana, will you marry?"
"Yes!" she cried.
Mr Finch decided to celebrate. "I'm inviting you for dinner!"
"What?" questioned the Doctor.
"Well..." said Mr Finch uncertainly. "You wouldn't happen to be Italian, would you?"
The Doctor shook his head.
Mr Finch gestured triumphantly at his aide, the Administrator. "Roast leg of British lamb!" announced the Administrator, and a dish was brought into the glade. "Hello..." Mr Finch whispered to him seductively. "I love you."
The President. marched up to him angrily. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you the sack!" He yelled at Finch. "Hello." said Mr. Finch. The president stared at him oddly. Mr Finch looked nervous. "I think we should leave before the papparazi get here..." he decided.
However, Mr Finch resorted to blackmail. "I called round last night. You had company." he said, smirking.
"Normal coffee." The president assured him, but Finch wasn't convinced.
"Brother..." he started warningly, and the President collapsed, sobbing.
"Instant coffee!" he confessed. His secret was out... "KENCO Instant!"
"Do you like it?" Romana asked the sobbing President.
"Bung on some basil, and bung it in the oven!" the Administrator suggested, and the President looked up at him incredulously.
"Coffee?" The Doctor decided to end this conversation abruptly.
"How long's my scarf?"
"Fifty!" Ace yelled.
"Eight!" Jamie yelled.
"Fourteen!" yelled Dr Constantine.
"Excellent response," the Doctor muttered.
"Nine hundred!" Romana yelled.
"Nine hundred?!?!" the Doctor asked. "Eleven!" At the Doctors correction, everyone gasped.
"Well done!" The Doctor then grabbed his new fiance and whisked her away to... well I don't actually know. Let's ask the Random Gallery Visitor.
"Scotland?"
Ah.
"Liprogopolis!" the Doctor corrected.
Ah, Liprogopolis.
"Well erm ah I'm sorry it seems I got that last bit wrong," the Random Gallery Visitor said as he ran away from Mr Finch.
"If you have any consideration!" he yelled back at the advancing Mr Finch.
Back at the main scene, Astrid strode in, still advertising.
"THE WORLD'S MOST EROTIC LINGERIE!"
"In the white, and the blue, and the pink!" Dr Constantine yelled, getting a piece of the action.
"Does it come in pink?" the 10th asked. "AND IN THE PINK!" Doctor Constantine yelled at him, obviously rather miffed. Astrid nodded, shocked, and the Tenth grabbed it and immediately pulled it on.
"Terrific!" he said, admiring his new 'erotic' self.
"That's very nice," the Editor lied, purely to keep the Doctor happy. However, this was a mistake when the Doctor grabbed him and ran off into the woods.
"BIG FAT JUICY WORM!" Clive yelled, waddling after the retreating tenth and editor. It is unclear which he was shouting at.
The Editor retreated so far that he fell off a cliff, and ended up dangling by his arm from a prepice. "My arm keeps wobbling!" he bellowed.
"Hmmm?" said the tenth Doctor, who was sewing up a hole in his lingerie.
"MY ARM KEEPS WOBBLING!" The Editor bellowed. The Doctor only caught the word arm, however.
"I've got most of mine." he said.
The editor lost his grip on reality, and plummeted. "I've got a headache." He moaned. The tenth Doctor looked around, and realised the Editor wasn't there. He leapt off the cliff, and landed on the Editor.
"I can't see!" yelled the Editor. The Doctor got off his eyes. A search party for them emerged from the nearby swamp, just in time to see the Doctor remove his disintegrating lingerie. "Nothing at all!" gasped Dr Constantine.
"You sure?" asked the Doctor.
"In the pink." Dr Constantine said sagely. The Doctor knelt down and begged. "Madam?" Constantine questioned, wondering what he wanted.
"That special purchase." Jamie realised.
The Doctor nodded. "Flamethrower?" Dr Constantine hit him over the head and prepared for a risky operation.
When he had finished, a sheet lay over the Doctor's midriff. "A pink fourteen with a scalloped neck." he predicted.
"And now, the proof." said Astrid, removing the sheet. The Doctor looked down.
"Boots?" he gasped.
"No," the Editor informed him. The Editor realised he was late for work, and called over to the President.
"I can't come into work today."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you the sack," the President revealed.
"NO!" Astrid implored, still in her erotic lingerie. Richard Mace appeared blowing on his instrument.
"Getting the hang of it," he decided, but everyone else decided to roll around on the floor in agony. Astrid jumped up and gyrated.
"Would all the men please stand up?" They did, and she stalked off in a huff due to being rather disappointed with the result. Richard Mace continued to play with his instrument.
"Keep on doing exactly as you are doing, just a bit better," the random Gallery Visitor decided. Richard gave two rather hard blows to the instrument.
"Bloody thing," the RGV yelled before retreating t0 Glasgow.
A SHORT TIME LATER, IN THE BIGGEST CITY OF SCOTLAND NOT SO VERY FAR, FAR AWAY:
The 4th and Romana were enjoying their honeymoon with a PRIME, while the RGV build a power station.
"It's because of your hard work and commitment that it's had to built!" he yelled over to the designing Fourth.
"I can design power stations, oil, gas!" the Fourth gasped as he did just that.
"Clever PRIME," Romana decided.
"Spare a though for the workmen here and their wives, their children their loved ones who never get to see them!" RGV implored.
"What?" the Fourth asked, scandalised. Romana looked over his shoulder at the design work.
"It's impressive," she praised.
"You can say that again," Fourth said with a grin and a leer and a waddle and a quack and he's a very fine swan indeed.
"It's impressive," she said again.
"Can't you give them a few days off?" Romana continued to ignore him. At that choice moment, the RGV's telephone of the mobile variety ringadingdiddled.
"Er, hi, Mr Ludlow, hello! I can't come into work today, I'm in bed. Yeah, I've been hit by a train Mr Ludlow," the Editor said over the phone. RGV, now known to be Mr Ludlow tutted.
"I'm not sure why they brought me up to juggle for you," RGV, now known the be Mr Ludlow said, and fainted clean away.
Back in the forest, everyone was playing twister. "Green, madam." said Constantine to Astrid as she accidentally put her hand on yellow. "Eerrgghh." said The Editor as Astrid twisted herself in two. Suddenly, a mad bull charged through the woods and impaled the Administrator on one of its horns. "someone let the dog out!" warned the Editor. "Oh, stop carping on." Interjected Clive. The Editor realised his slip of the tongue. "The cow." he corrected himself.
Richard Mace tossed one of his pistols to Mr. Sin, who started firing wildly, blasting holes in trees.
"Getting the hang of it, mind the banisters son!" appraised Mace, calmly, as his new oak banisters got blasted.
"Got you!" said Sin, as the bull keeled over with a hole in its side. "And I got you too!" he cheered, as Masters was blasted off his feet.
Mr Ludlow was frantically shouting into his mobile as the sounds of battle echoed from it. "What are you doing to these poor people, I ask you!" He asked them.
"Er, hi, Mr Ludlow, there's something inside the buttercup!" The Editor yelled as Jamie flew past the flowerbeds. The rampaging herd of bulls charged the survivors, who fled. They ran all the way to Glasgow, where Romana, the Doctor and Mr Ludlow were adapting the PRIME into a bull- destroying weapon. "Okay, Prime!" Yelled the Doctor, as Prime fired its a fifth of its mass in the form of a missile, which hit the bulls, but also blasted some of the survivors to infinity. "I've been hit by a train!" The Editor screamed.
"Oh, Prime." The Doctor sighed. PRIME fired a laser, which vapourised the rest of the bulls. "That's better." grinned the Doctor.
"Ah well." sighed Clive, as the President was caught in the laser beam.
PRIME started to emit smoke and shake. "I think we should leave!" warned Mr Finch.
"All right." said the Doctor. Everyone began to run for the TARDIS. "Seventeen seconds!" warned Romana, monitoring the PRIME. The Doctor and Mr Finch reached the TARDIS. "Come in." invited Mr Finch to the others.
"Sixteen!" Romana cried, dashing towards the TARDIS.
"Eleven!" she warned as she dashed through the door.
"Oooh, thank you most kindly madam." said Mace as Romana helped him into the TARDIS.
"Ten!" said Romana, barely acknowledging him. "Hoik people in!" advised Clive as PRIME started to explode. "Three"
"Yes!" cheered Constantine as he entered the TARDIS.
"Keep on doing exactly what you're doing! called Ludlow, almost at the TARDIS.
"One second, Doctor!" cried Romana. The Doctor slammed the doors shut. The explosion destroyed everyone and everything in Scotland. "One way of shifting it." shrugged Richard Mace.
Dr. Constantine felt for a pulse at the side of Clive's neck. "Nothing at all." he sighed. He took one lok at Mr Finch's spreadeagled body. "Scalloped neck." he diagnosed. Romana ran to Mr Finch's side. "Protocols!" she said, calling him by his first name.
"I... love... you." He gasped, before dying.
"Oh, prime." The Doctor swore.
To mend her broken heart, Romana started to operate the TARDIS.
"Where would the energy industry be without Romana?" asked the Doctor. He turned to Constantine. "Run power stations!" he ordered him.
"I thought..." muttered Constantine.
"what?" "Nothing. Nothing at all..." The Doctor sighed. It had been a long day. Just then, Mace entered the console room, wearing a flowery apron.
"Hot dinners!" He announced, to general applause.
"Clever Prime." muttered Romana without thinking. The Doctor turned in horror to the highwayman-turned-chef.
"Is it really a Prime?" he gasped, pointing to Richard Mace.
"Don't worry, son..." sneered the possessed Mace, advancing on him. "It's terribly interactive!" shreiked Romana, as PRIME began to strangle the Doctor in revenge for abandoning it.
"Ask it how to handle a woman!" shouted Romana. PRIME, confused about who to handle first, gave up and went away. Everyone sat down to a nice hot dinner in front of the Tv, watching the advert channel.
THE END
Well? Link? What is it?