Disney Princess Rehabilitation Center
Introduction: My name is Dr. Tax-fattened-hyena, I deal with malignant maladies of the mind. Particularly blank canvases. So naturally I do a lot of work with Disney Princesses and other damsels previously or currently in distress. (If they weren't blank canvases they most likely wouldn't be in distress. They'd probably slay their own dragons and walk away.)
These poor ladies come to our special Rehabilitation Center in order to cope with their inner dragons, insecurity about waist size ("I'm terrified I'll blow away!"), troubles with princes, troubles with zits (which did not occur until after filming), troubles with having no more troubles- these ladies are full of it! They of course signed a patient-doctor confidentiality policy with me, but due to the fine print they didn't realize they were signing up to allow me to publish their case files and hopefully make a lot of money! I could have asked for their internal organs in that contract and they wouldn't have noticed!
Therefore I have disclosed these files. At the top I list the name of the princesses in each therapy session and then their exact dialogue (no extrapolation was necessary). Anything in italics is my personal notes that I took in response to the dialogue such as- she obviously feels undervalued, call Disney and tell them to make a platinum version of her movie.
Session 1
Princesses/damsels present: Snow White
Snow White: Oh dear Doctor, I was told you could help me!
Doctor: Who told you that?
Snow White: The Evil Queen.
Doctor: Oh. What an honored reference. She isn't accompanying you to these sessions, is she?
Snow White: Of course not! I left her home to watch the children.
Doctor: How nice! So… What do you wish to speak me about?
Snow White: Well it's a very small thing, but it's keeping me from my work.
Doctor: Yes?
Snow White: I can't stand the sight of elderly people, or apples. Or pigeons-
Doctor: Stop! Can you explain these aversions to me? When the symptoms first started, for instance?
Snow White: Well it was after that dreadful apple. I honestly thought that old woman was so sweet to bring me such a treat, but afterwards I felt…
Doctor: Go on.
Snow White: I can't say it, I'm a Disney Princess! We aren't supposed to have the capacity to feel any emotion that could lead to wickedness, things like… *gulp* anger…
Doctor: In my office you may have any emotion you wish. Except stinginess.
Snow White: I felt BETRAYED!
Note: I should have sound-proofed my office. Good thing my secretary is a pintrest addict or she might be aware of her surroundings.
Doctor: That's a very natural feeling.
Snow White: But it's wrong! I have to forgive the old woman, she probably didn't know that the apple was poisoned.
Doctor: Did you ever, by chance, learn the old woman's name?
Snow White: No. I was in eternal sleep until I got kissed, no one ever told me what happened.
A common malady among princesses.
Doctor: It will be all right, Snow White. How does this affect your work?
Snow White: I come out and visit the Disneyland parks to sign autographs for children, when I'm not watching my own. I also pose for pictures quite often and go to premieres for the other princess's movies.
Doctor: And this fear?
Snow White: There are so many elderly people! I scarcely know where to look! I can't even go to my own son's Parent Teacher Meetings! I also have to sneak around the library, and I have to cancel dates with my husband whenever our favorite restaurant has senior specials!
Doctor: How perfectly dreadful. Our first session is over unless you want to pay the extension fee.
Snow White: Oh, no thank you. The Queen charges a lot for watching kids. Can we schedule another session soon?
Doctor: Of course, talk to my secretary.
Note- I should schedule a group therapy session for some of the princesses next week and begin therapy for real. Now that I've identified some of their problems.
Session 2
Princess present: Aurora, also known as Sleeping Beauty
Aurora: I'm glad you made time to see me, doctor.
Doctor: It was no trouble at all. So how are things?
No trouble at all except my canceling an appointment with Lady Gaga… There's a lot of work to be done there
Aurora: I did manage to get the kids to school this week, but I had to have Philip wake me up when he left for work. Look, I have dark circles under my eyes!
Doctor: Philip leaves for work very early, doesn't he? And what is his job again?
Aurora: Philip is a professional polo player. He has so many obligations on his time, and Ralph Lauren's cologne advertisements just sap his strength whenever he has to film for one.
Doctor: And do you have a job?
Aurora: No. Disney wants to pay me for my appearances, but on a regular basis, and due to my problem (her voice cracks) that's just not possible.
Doctor: As of yet, but with more work (and more money) I'm sure we will see progress. You didn't pay for a long session today, is there any particular reason for that?
Aurora: Yes. I have to get home and cut back the rosebushes before they grow over the house again.
Doctor: Well, I have one suggestion for you to work on this week, just a little tiny thing, and then I'll see you next week for group therapy.
Aurora: What should I do?
Doctor: I suggest you try some different alarm clocks, I'm sure Philip doesn't mind waking you up, but we can't have a Disney Princess with dark circles and we also can't have such a magnificent polo player miss one of his tournaments. I know you have almost infinite money to spend and I'm sure your Disney Princess Insurance will cover the expense if you purchase the alarm clocks for health reasons. Here's my prescription which you may document as part of your claim.
Aurora: Thank you doctor, I'm sorry to be such a bother.
Doctor: I wouldn't have become a doctor if I didn't want to be bothered, your highness. My secretary is waiting to show you out.
Group Therapy
Princesses present: Snow White, Aurora, Pocahontas, and Ana
Ana:
Is it all right for a queen to attend these sessions? My sister has been having some problems lately.
Doctor: Queen Elsa?
Ana: Yes. She found my microwave yesterday and she's quite upset.
Doctor: She's frightened of microwaves?
Ana: No sir! That would be silly! No, it's just that all these modern contraptions like refrigerators and indoor skating rinks make her feel worthless. Whenever she sees one she starts crying like mad and shuts herself up in her room.
Doctor: I may be able to make an allowance for poor Queen Elsa, if she so wishes. Tell her that, will you?
Ana: Of course.
Doctor: Questions aside, let's all go around in a circle and introduce ourselves, shall we? And Snow White, you go first.
Snow White: My name is Snow White
Other Princesses: Hello Snow White
Snow White: And I have problems.
Doctor: Good job Snow, the first step to solving your problems is to admit that you have them! Next!
Aurora: Hi, my name is Aurora
Other Princesses: Hello Aurora
Aurora: And I have a serious sleeping problem, which in turn interferes with my being a mother. Sniffle.
Doctor: Oh Aurora, don't cry, we're all friends here! Next.
Pocahontas: Hello, my name is Pocahontas
Other Princesses: Hello Pocahontas
Pocahontas:My problem is environmentalists, they're really stopping me from seeing the colors of the wind.
Doctor: Can you be a little more specific?
Pocahontas: I completely disagree with everything they do, so whenever I see one I shoot an arrow just past their face.
Doctor: I see… And why did you come here?
Pocahontas: I missed.
Note- I need to burn my environmentalist brochures before she has her private session next Thursday.
Doctor: Ah, well. It happens to us all. Next, Ana?
Ana: My name is Ana.
Other Princesses: Hello Ana.
Ana: Kristoff and I broke up yesterday, we can't seem to do long-term relationships. It's like Prince Hans all over again! Kristoff is a shaggy little mountain man that can't seem to decide whether he loves me or not!
Doctor: And why is this a problem?
Ana: Because I love him and I want him back!
Doctor: No, I meant why do you need therapy?
Ana: Because last time we broke up I said "It isn't you, it's me".
Doctor: I'll work you into a private session soon, okay, Ana? Now everyone, I need you all to close your eyes… Aurora, please don't fall asleep. Now, envision that your problem is a blue balloon, and all you have to do is-
Queen Elsa: "LET IT GO, LET IT GO! Turn away and slam the door!" I'm here to pick Ana up early, we're wanted at the Disneyland in Tokyo.
Doctor: Oh esteemed Queen Elsa! Would you care to join us?
Queen Elsa: No, I wouldn't. Ana, we have to go.
Ana: That's a lovely song you were singing sis! So Doctor, what's my assignment for this week?
Doctor: Allow yourself to eat some chocolate, I promise your waistline won't expand, and do something nice for yourself. Hug Olaf, go sledding… hide the microwave.
Ana: I will! Bye, Doctor!
Doctor: Now that they are gone, let's return to our relaxing exercise.
Snow White: Umm, Aurora fell asleep again.
Doctor: Oh dear. Well, just leave her be for now. I'll have my secretary call Philip in a moment when we have our emotional inventory.
Note- never allow Aurora to close her eyes for more than thirty seconds at a time.
Pocahontas: Where are we when we are envisioning this, balloon?
Doctor: You're in a park, a beautiful park, with all kinds of big trees-
Pocahontas: And all the colors of the wind
Snow White: And little animals! Little bunnies and deers and-
Doctor: This exercise requires silent contemplation. Picture it, don't say it. Now take a deep breath
Princesses: Inhale, exhale.
Doctor: Now I need you to tug on the balloon and visualize your problems
Snow White: Can you have more than one balloon? I think I want seven.
Doctor: All right, all right. Just picture the balloon or balloons. Got it? Now breathe in deeply and exhale. Then as you exhale release the balloons and watch your problems soar away.
Princesses: Inhale, exhale.
Doctor: Now open your eyes and tell me how you feel
Pocahontas: I feel calm, like a soaring eagle.
Snow White: I feel light and fluffy, like a marshmallow cloud!
Doctor: Good. Now before you go to bed every night this week I want you to repeat that exercise to calm you down before sleep.
Pocahontas: What does that do?
Doctor: It clears your mind and subconsciously encourages your mind to let go of its problems by suggesting it to the subconscious. There's a large amount of essays that talk of it besides the studies and other things, but I daresay just knowing there are such things will be enough for you.
Pocahontas: Can we leave now?
Doctor: Oh yes, and don't forget to schedule another session before you go!
Session 4
Princess present- Jasmine
Jasmine: Hello doctor, I've heard a lot about you! Snow White told me you're an absolute miracle worker.
Doctor: Oh well, I do my best.
Jasmine: I didn't really want to come today, but I figured that if anyone could help me, you could.
Doctor: I hope I will be able to, if not then I can recommend some other therapists
Note- I never recommend anyone better than myself, it's bad business.
Jasmine: Well you see, I have some problems.
Doctor: That's completely normal.
Jasmine: Not for a Disney Princess! We aren't supposed to have them or talk about them, not to anyone.
Doctor: I'm sorry for that but I assure you, many Disney Princesses have problems that even their respective Prince Charmings can't rescue them from. And they do need to talk about it in order to get better.
Jasmine: I guess so. But doesn't that mean we don't live happily ever after if we all have these problems?
Doctor: People and princesses have to learn to live with their problems in order to be happy, because all problems will never completely go away. What is your problem?
Jasmine: I'm terrified of heights, and small spaces.
Doctor: Can you think of why you might be frightened of those things?
Jasmine: Well there was the one time Aladdin was driving the magic carpet and we crashed into the Parthenon, and the other time Aladdin was driving and we crashed into a bust of Abraham Lincoln, and another time Aladdin was driving and we crashed into a cruise ship. Then there was also the time Aladdin was driving and we crashed into the Matterhorn at Disneyland…
Doctor: So it's possible you suffered repeated traumas due to Aladdin's carpet-driving skills. Have you ever asked to drive the carpet yourself before?
Jasmine: Oh no, Aladdin's the Sultan and he does love to drive.
Doctor: I'm sure he does. Now the fear of small spaces, when do you suppose that started?
Jasmine: I think it may have been after Jaffar stuck me in that hourglass. Now I can't even use the elevator without freezing up and breaking into a cold sweat.
Doctor: Perfectly understandable. Well Jasmine, are there any other problems you wish to discuss at the moment?
Jasmine: I can't stand going to the zoo. All those tigers behind cages, it makes me want to set them all free
Doctor: How- ahem- noble of you. Well my advice to you is that you stay away from zoos and go spend some quality time with the magic carpet, try to identify your feelings. I also suggest you join my group therapy sessions once a week every Tuesday. Is that all right?
Jasmine: Of course. Thank you Doctor.
Session 5
Princesses present: Ariel