A/N: This fic came from my love of emo music and a recent re-obsession with Mayday Parade. I was driving to work while listening to an album by them and thought, this song is perfect for the second half of season 2!
I don't own Reign or the song Miserable at Best. A Broken Frary one-shot.
Mary, my Mary.
When you said you could give me to another because you love me and one of us should be happy, it didn't make any sense to me. How could I ever love another as I love you? The way my heart shattered as you ran your fingers through my hair was indescribable. You said you were letting me go to find happiness. Happiness to me is any time I'm with you, even if we can't physically be intimate, discourse with you is preferable to the pleasures of a dozen brothels.
I still don't get it, actually. When I repeated the words to you, I knew you already loved another. I wasn't giving you permission to find someone as you gave me, I was giving you permission to be with another man. I can't bear it. I try to stay so busy that my mind has no time to drift to the ideas of the two of you.
You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
We were so perfect. We argued, sure. We are two opinionated, high-spirited national monarchs. Arguments will happen. We both made mistakes too. I locked you in a tower and I felt it was right at the time. You kept Lola's pregnancy from me. We both have many stains on our cloaks that used to shine brilliantly white together. That didn't stop us from being perfect for each other.
No woman I've ever known, or could ever know, can compare to you. When we were first courting, you felt Olivia was a threat, but she's nothing to you. That woman I took to bed the night of my tasting, I don't remember her name and I barely remember what it felt like to be with her. I wanted it to be you so, so badly. I kept my eyes closed through most of it, hoping I could pretend she was you.
But compared to your eyes
Nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky
It's not mine, but I want it so
Your eyes, your lips, the way your hair gleams in the candlelight.
Your quick wit, your sharp tongue, your brilliance in planning and politics.
I love it all and now I miss it all. Every morning, I still reach for your warmth to pull close and each time that you're not there, the pain washes over me again.
And the hardest part is
Letting go of the nights we shared
The worst isn't actually remembering our nights of passion. Although those are extremely hard to keep from replaying in my head- exploring our bodies, feeling like flush against each other still isn't close enough, ragged breathing- that's still not the worst.
Absolutely the most wicked memories are of after we would make love. Feeling your heart slow as you relax in my arms. The endless conversations of our fears, hopes, dreams, desires, the future of everything that we are.
And everything that we now aren't presses in on me.
Because now you're with him.
Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
I know he's there and
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
While across the room he stares
Does he pretend to be coy with you? I saw it with that woman in the woods. That married woman in the woods. He told me why he always goes after married women and it sickened me then. It sickens me more now that it's you who is in his clutches.
I can see the longing look in your eyes when I close mine. It used to be directed at me. From across crowded rooms at parties or at council meetings. You could always stop my heart for just a moment with that look. I hope it's not the same one that he's seeing right now, but I know that it is.
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance
And she'll say yes
Because these words were never easier
For me to say or her to second guess
No matter how many times I apologize. No matter how many of my previous actions against the Protestants of France have been undone. No matter how many declarations, actions, and professions of love I give.
None of it means anything to her. She's been lost to me. I can't make her feel safe. I understand why, but being without her is agony.
Cause nothing feels like home
You're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
With each breath, I'm in anguish. I don't want this to be our future, Mary. I want you to return to me. I'll always be here, waiting for you. Lola thinks you may tire of him and realize that our love was true. She thinks that if I give you this freedom, you'll come back.
I pray that she is right. You're so distant from me. When I gave my protection, I never realized that you would disappear from my life entirely. I rarely see you, and in my heart, I know it's because you're hiding away with him.
And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you and I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek
We have other obligations that we must attend to tonight. You must accompany me as my queen, and I know that we'll have to interact. I hope that I can act somewhat normal and at ease around you. I haven't been sleeping much as each time I close my eyes, I see the two of you together. It haunts me. I don't know what to say to you. You've always been beautiful, but seeing you for the first time and taking your hand has left me speechless. I've missed any form of physical touch from you.
As soon as the festivities have ended, you bid me goodnight and rush off.
I know it's back to him. And I'll retire to my own chambers.
I usually don't allow myself to imbibe at these nights when I'm alone and missing you so much that I can't breathe, but tonight, I'm going to indulge just a little.
Perhaps I'll be able to fall into a dreamless sleep for once.
Because I know that my "I love you" means nothing to your anymore.
I can go on without you, but without you, I'll be miserable at best.
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best
A/N: I highly recommend listening to that song as your read. It's a fairly lengthy song, so you can probably finish the fic before the song!