A/N: This is a fanfiction based on APH, with characterizations of the different states putting on a musical. It's a bit crackish, but take it for what it is XD.
Disclaimer: I do now own any of the contries, and the only states I own in this chapter are Tennessee, Idaho, Illinois, and Mississippi. Others belong to some of my friends, such as the lovely Reaper-Lawliet and HalfBloodWarriorKitty.
"So kids, I've had a brilliant idea!" There was a gleam in America's eyes that was quite frankly frightening. The United States of America had been put through enough of America's schemes to realize that with him "brilliant" usually meant "insane." Even Hawaii looked wary.
"Some of us are hardly younger than you," Massachusetts pointed out matter-of-factly in response to being referred to as a "kid." Linus, the resident Masshole of the U.S., received a few eye rolls from his fellow states. America chose to ignore him.
Texas frowned, tugging on her long red braid. "What is it?"
Adjusting his glasses proudly America exclaimed, "We're putting on a musical!"
There was never a more infinite silence.
Expressions on each side of the spectrum were represented. New York almost smiled, although Ben would never admit it if questioned. Connecticut cocked his head, not that anyone would notice because well, he was Connecticut. Tennessee was beaming, fingers twitching like they wanted to strum Nashville, her acoustic guitar.
But one question was present on everyone's expressions, although it was only voiced by eight-year-old Idaho: "Why?"
America shrugged, slurping his soft drink. "Family Bonding. Fun. Distracting China from asking me to pay him back. Anyway, we're going to do 'The Wedding Singer.' Auditions are in a week, so practice up! My receptionist here will handout the music." He gestured to a woman standing behind him with a tight bun and even tighter expression, who clearly felt they had better things to do.
"Now, I've got to go. Goodbye!" And with that, he fled the room. Probably to go get food.
*****
After being handed the sheet music and driven over to the local community center, which dear old dad had rented out entirely, everyone let off some steam.
"Maybe I'll get a lead role! Then I'll have to be made a state!" Little Long Island seemed eager, if only for all of the wrong reasons.
"What are you doing here?" Ben snapped at him. He wasn't a rude person all the time, but Long Island just seemed to bring out the worst in him. So did Linus, and lack of coffee, and a multitude of other things that would take too long to list.
"Same thing as you," Long Island said innocently to his big brother New York.
"Get out!" New York glared at him.
A few minute of fighting later and Long Island left the theater. But even with the pest removed, NY remained ticked off.
"Cheer up, Ben, this'll be huge!" Tennessee chimed, playing a little ditty on her instrument. It figured that she would be excited; Alba was probably the most musical of any of them.
"That's what she said!" Road Island was almost making those damn jokes.
Illinois shrugged. "I just wish we'd done Avenue Q instead."
"We couldn't have, there are too many little kids," Connecticut pointed out. Apparently he had the same invisibility-affect as Uncle Mathew, because no one heard him. Expected, when many seem to think of you only as "a highway between MA and NY."
"Yeah! That would've been a blast," Jessie said, her eyes wild. "Forget this cheesy stuff! I mean really, 'Someday when it's me/ I'll know our love was meant to be"? Now, with Avenue Q…well, just picture it." And with that her and Indiana climbed onto the stage and started singing "The Internet is for Porn."
"The internet is really really great -"
"For porn!" Indiana exclaimed, just like Trekkie Monster.
"I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait -"
"For porn!"
Neither of the two stopped grinning and singing. That is, until the doors in the back opened.
"For - CORN!" Eyes widening, Indiana changed the word abruptly. "Why do you think the net was born? For…corn, corn, corn." He let his voice fade sheepishly.
Jessie frowned. "Henry, what are you doing? You can't just change the line like that! The word is porn."
If possible Indiana's eyes grew even wider as he gestured wildly to the back of the room. "No, Jessie, it's corn."
"What? Not it's not! I don't care about the audience! It's just our siblings, dude. Really, the word isn't corn, it's porn. Porn, porn, por -" Finally turning around, her face paled abruptly. "-orn," she finished, her voice dropping.
The three youngest of the family, Hawaii, Idaho, and Alaska, were standing there. Juno, who at thirteen was the oldest of the three, wheeled Hawaii around. "Come on, I think I left something in the bathroom, Hannako." And with that only Jem was standing there.
Jem, who was the family's sweet little brother. Jem, who Henry was insanely protective over, even though they weren't blood-related, like some of the other states. Jem, who had just heard the world "porn".
Right on cue, Idaho cocked his head. "What's that?" He ran up towards the stage to be by his brothers and sisters.
"What's what?" Indiana asked nonchalantly as he threw his arm around Idaho's shoulder. Tennessee who hadn't stopped playing her guitar since they'd gotten there, stopped. Mississippi and Alabama's jaws dropped like mirror images. And Illinois - well, he just looked like he was trying not to crack up.
"What Jessie just said - porn." He asked with a tone of pure, blatant curiousity and innocence.
"Well, it's…it's - I can't explain it, Texas. Why don't you?"
Shooting Henry a quick death glare, Texas folded her hands. "Well," she said calmly, "It's…a Tex-Mex food! Made of…pork. Pork and corn. It…it even has some potatoes in it! It's really popular in my state!"
"Oh," Jem said. "Is it good?"
If Texas held in her laughter anymore, her face would burst
"Delicious. Now, why don't you have someone bring you to the Dunkin' Donuts where Dad is? You can go get something for lunch."
"Okay, bye you guys!" He gave Indiana a brief hug before dashing back outside.
The second the door closed Illinois burst out laughing. "I can't believe you two just -"
"Shut it, Jack," Texas growled with a glare in his direction, but it wasn't very affective, seeing as she guffawed as she said it.
*****
"I'm so glad you're out to eat with me, bro." Canada couldn't be any more happy. He was sitting, having coffee - with not enough maple syrup in it, mind you - with his brother America, who had finally taken the time to spend quality time with him. Sure, America could be annoying, and selfish, and a pain in the…but still, he was his brother!
"Yeah, I know. You said so five times, Matthew," Alfred said dismissively. "Now listen, we really need to talk about Niagara. I'm sick of always hearing that the States have the crappy side of it, so I was thinking -"
"Hi, Dad!" Idaho walked in the doors and walked over to the small table with the two nations. "Oh, hi Uncle Matthew - didn't see you there."
Canada nodded, understanding. Like Connecticut was mistaken for a highway, he was simply "America's hat."
"What are you doing here, Idaho?" America asked incredulously as he was enveloped in a hug. Then he smiled and scoffed like he got it. "I know, you just didn't want to be away from me for long, huh squirt?"
"Uh, yeah, sure dad." Even little Jem knew not to hurt his Dad's inflated ego. "I'm really hungry, I wanted to ask if you could go to lunch with me at Poncho's."
America bit into his donut. "The Mexican place? Why?" he asked around the mouthful of pastry.
"Because I want to try porn!"
Alfred stopped chewing. Kimajiro cocked his head cutely, asking "Who?"
"That's Jem, Kumajifu," Canada informed quietly.
America didn't even bother to correct him about his own pet's name.
"Why would you want that, Jem?"
"Because it's supposed to be really good! And I'm really hungry." Idaho tugged on his Dad's sleeves. "So can I get some porn?"
Then something amazing happened: America stood up, abandoning his coffee and food. "Let's go home, kid. I'm sure everyone's back there by now."
"But - but I want some porn!" Idaho whined. It wasn't too loud, but Dunkin' Donuts was a small place. Everyone in it heard. "Can I please have some porn, Dad?"
"We're going," Alfred said shortly, slinging the small boy over his shoulder as Matthew followed silently and the woman behind the counter laughed so hard that she had to wipe tears from her eyes. Idaho pounded on America's back, confused and angry. What had he done wrong?!
The three drove off in America's oh-so-ostentatious Old Glory-printed sports car. "So, what exactly do you think porn is?" He questioned.
"It's pork and corn with some potatoes in it. It's Tex-Mex food!"
"Who told you that? Oh, I bet it was his older brother Oregon." America's fingers twitched irritably on the wheel.
"Why him?" Canada asked, stroking his polar bear.
"Because - because - because he's gay!" America shouted for lack of better excuse.
"What does being happy have to do with anything?"
At the sound of Idaho's questioned, America stopped the car abruptly. "What?"
Idaho frowned. "You said Oregon was gay. That means he's really happy. Like, Long Island didn't seem very gay after he came out in the hall when New York kicked him out."
"No, he's not gay at all. He's…depressed and a pessimist." Neither of these were true, but that was far from the point.
Idaho's face softened guiltily. "And you don't look very gay right now, Daddy."
"No, I'm not. In any sense of the word." America turned around, laying his head exasperatedly on the steering wheel.
"What are they teaching him?" Canada whispered.
"This is what I get for giving those states so much free reign…"
"Dad, why did you stop the car?"
Alfred sighed, starting to drive again. "So, if it's not Oregon, who do you think told him it?"
Canada seemed thoughtful. "Well, he said that he thinks porn is Tex-Mex food. So maybe it's -"
"Jessie."
*****
After dropping Canada back off at the airport (much to the quiet nation's chagrin), America and Idaho came back to the house. When there, Alfred kicked in the door.
"Jessie!"
Texas poked her red head out of one of the doors upstairs. "What's up? Oh wow, you look ticked about something."
"Get down here!"
She shook her head. "Can't do. I'm practicing the audition song with -"
"JESSICA JONES!"
Texas's left eye twitched angrily. No one called her Jessica. "It's Jessie. I really wish you wouldn't call me…that. Mexico called me that. Don't call me that!"
She crossed her arms angrily.
"Then get down here!"
Steam practically curling out of her ears, Texas stomped down the stairs. Several states who had heard the screaming followed.
"Idaho, I want you to go upstairs and play with Oregon and Washington."
"But I want to -"
"Jeremy." America scowled in a voice that showed he wasn't to be messed with. Jem skulked up the stairs, wondering what he did to get onto full-name
basis.
The states all sat down on the couches in the living room, waiting patiently to see what was going on.
"Okay, all of you out - except for you, Jessie."
"What?! But it wasn't just me - it was Henry, too!" At this accusation, Indiana's jaw went slack.
"I tried to change the lyric! You were the one who went on correcting me!"
"Well you just gestured to the door like we were playing charades!"
"I was trying to be subtle."
"Subtle? Why bother - he's eight!"
Not wanting to cross their powerful father - or get involved in yet another sibling argument - everybody slunk off.
"I'll just be - um - going…" Illinois got out between stifled laughs as he walked away.
"Get back here, Jack!" America commanded. "You're acting like you had something to do with this."
Illinois nodded, acting serious. "Yeah, but I didn't. I just said that I wished we could've done Avenue Q. I'm not the one who started singing 'The Internet is for Porn.'"
Alfred looked him up and down as if sizing him up. "Okay, you're free to go." With that Illinois walked away, briefly turning around and mouthing "suckers!" while his father's back was turned.
"Now, you two," he began, directing them over to a couch and big armchair across from it. "Tell me what happened!"
"Well, Jessie started singing 'The Internet is for Porn' -"
"And Henry changed the word to 'corn' when Jem came in, only I didn't know he'd come in because he didn't tell me!"
America put his hands on his hips. "And how does this lead to him thinking that it's Tex-Mex food?!"
Texas shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, I figured I had to cover it up, so I told him porn was pork and corn, and -"
"So you did it?"
"What?" She glared angrily at the nation. "No! No, it wasn't my fault."
America shook his head, stubborn as ever. "You two should know better than this. You're thirteen and fourteen -"
"We're both sixteen, actually -"
"- and still doing stupid things like this!" America ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "Henry, you're good."
"Thank you, Dad!" Indiana sighed in relief as he walked out of the room.
"What are you gonna do, ground me?" Texas asked as she crossed her arms.
"No. You're good, too, if you can convince Jem that porn isn't pork and corn with potatoes - without telling him what it actually is, of course," he added hastily.
Texas thought of arguing this farther. After all, she hadn't done anything wrong - it was just a small mistake. Not that she'd even admit that at this point. She was as stubborn as her dad. But unlike him, she knew when not to bother. So she wouldn't fight this - now Henry, him she'd have to do something about.
"Okay. Fine."
*****
"So, it's not actually good?" Idaho questioned through a mouthful of his lunch - a baked potato which New Hampshire had cooked for him. So much for Tex-Mex.
"No. It's really, really awful," Texas informed vehemently.
Idaho frowned. "But didn't you say it was really popular?"
The states who were sitting around them in the living room had all wondered how Jessie would worm her way out of this. Each one of them had heard about what happened one way or another. Things had a tendency to get around in their house.
"Yes, it is - but, but only among three people. And they have taste-bud deficiency!"
Several of the states chose that moment to pass off a laugh as a cough, snort, or sneeze, even Alabama and Connecticut.
"…Oh." Idaho nodded as if he understood, although he was surely a bit confused.
"Just make sure you don't mention it again, Jem," Indiana urged. "People hate it so much that they get angry when you mention it!"
"Got it, Indy." Idaho smiled, content sitting there with his finished lunch and pet beaver Michie. (The animals tended to follow his blood-brother Oregon, the Beaver State, around, and he had let him keep one.)
Louisiana, France's son and the honorary pervert of the family, walked upstairs with a big cardboard box in his hands. "Guys, who hid my porn?!" He
shouted angrily.
"You don't want to have that," Idaho chimed eagerly, wanting to show off his new knowledge. "It's supposed to be really bad. Only people with taste-bud deficiency like it!"
The look on Louisiana's face was priceless. (Or at least worth more than all of the vintage porn in that ginormous box he was holding.)