Title: Why Continue?
Author: Tressa
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I don't own them. DC does. No profit is being made from this.
Author's note: Doesn't really fall into any continuity, though it does happen in the comic universe.
Have you ever experienced that feeling of just giving up? It's kinda of like this painful pit in your stomach, coupled with the immense feeling that no matter what you did, you failed at what you were trying to do and what you were trying to accomplish, with a smidgen of acceptance that this was how things were going be.
At first, its unbearable. One part of you, the part that had developed over the years from parents, mentors, and leaders all encouraging you to try your hardest, that if you keep the faith long enough and do everything in your power, that eventually things will work out for you. Sometimes, though, you reach that breaking point, though, when it looks like your current point in life will be where you'll be stuck for the rest of your life.
It's at that point when sometimes, you just run out of steam. You're tired. You've been fighting the fight for too long and at the moment, all your body, mind, and spirit want to do is rest. Failure, disappointment, waste of time. All those things float through your mind. All that you had sacrificed, all that you had put in, was for nothing.
No matter what you do, it'll never be enough. Never good enough.
It's in my nightmares. It's in my memories when I'm awake. My family. My friends. My parents, Dana, Dick . . . even Bruce. The man who wasn't supposed to die. The man who we'd joke would outlive all of us. The man who was supposed to live forever. Then it was Barbara. Stephanie. They tried their hardest. And it wasn't enough. Wasn't enough to save them. Wasn't enough to save those they were trying to save.
All that's left is me, Cassandra, and Damien. The three of us, trying to uphold the legacy left to us by Bruce. The three of us failing in that regard. No matter what we did, no matter who we stopped, there was always more. Objectively, I should've realized this. Damien is still young, still impulsive. He didn't handle the death of his father or Dick well. He still isn't. It's difficult to keep him focused. Difficult to keep him under control. Difficult to keep him from killing the people responsible for our loss.
Gotham needed a Batman and I tried. I tried to live up to the unstated expectations left to me. Working with Cassandra and Damien, Batman, Black Bat, and Robin managed to hold down the fort. For a while. But the limitations are always there. This life, this job, was always difficult before. It becomes double when you're dealing with a grieving child who doesn't know how to grieve. And with an operative who still has need to stay away for costumes and metas.
Any thought of petitioning help from the Justice League has gone out the window as well. As far as they know, Gotham is in good hands. They still have faith that everything would work out well.
They forget that we're human. They forget that we tire. We can only go for so long.
And I think I've hit my limit.
Jean-Paul can cover for a little while. At least until something long term can be established. Maybe by the time its needed, I'll have the strength to make the plan. As of right now, though . . .
As of right now, though, I'm tired of trying to keep everything up. My body aches, and it's not from the years of physical exertion. What I want, what I've struggled to achieve is never going to happen. Everything that I've sacrificed, was pointless. No matter what I did, it would never be enough. We were taught, trained, to never give up. To give our all. Because in the end, it was all worth it.
Right now, I can't see how that's the case. Right now, I'm tired. If there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, well, right now I'm needing help just seeing the rainbow before I can even begin to hope there's a pot of gold.
I've failed everyone. I'm a major disappointment. All those years studying and investing were a waste of time.
There are strong hands on my shoulders now, working out the knots that will never truly go away. This support is the only reason why I haven't completely fallen farther than I have. I'm surprised, after all I've put her through, that she's still here. I asked her one, and her answer was that we're family. We're all we have left. She had, all those years ago, learned what it was like to not have family. And she never wanted to go back.
Well, in not so many words. Still, Cassandra was more than capable of expressing herself in her own way.
She herself had starting acting weird since everything took place. I can feel her arms wrap around me and her head bury in my neck. She gives me an awkward hug before telling me dinner had arrived. She's never done that before.
As I sit and debate whether I want to eat, she pauses in the door.
"Tim? Things will be ok." She pauses as though she wants to add more. Instead, she turns and heads out of my home office.
Somewhere, somehow, I still have the desire to believe. Hearing her say it almost makes it more believable. I want to believe. Maybe, for now, that's okay. I still feel like a failure and a disappointment. I still want to give up. But maybe, with people like Cassandra, and even Damien, I can at least keep my head above water.