A/N: Hello dear readers! This is the first fanfic that I've actually had the guts to upload simply because it sucks less than the others.
It's based on the Silver Linings Playbook, but it as it says on the synopsis it follows the book rather than the movie. However, there are few details that I have kept from the movie simply because I couldn't remember how it was plotted on the book. These include: the colour of Tiffany's eyes (which I describe as green because I pictured Jennifer Lawrence when I read the book) and the fact that Pat sleeps on the attic, which I'm sure only happens in the movie.
Written from Pat's perspective, I hope I have made justice to Matthew Quick's way of writing and Pat's way of speaking. However, one last thing I would like to point out is the fact that English is my second language, and I can't promise everything will be perfect. Anyway, hope you enjoy!
THE FIRST GENUINE
SMILE I HAVE SEEN ON HER
SINCE A VERY LONG TIME.
February, 7, 2007.
When we arrive home I pull Tiffany closer to me and knock on my parent's door. Mom opens and her face immediately turns toward Tiffany, her eyes lock on our interlaced fingers. I know what Mom must be thinking because she knows that I don't like to be touched by anyone except Nikki; but she doesn't know that that was in the past when I was living my own movie, and that now I am no longer living one because my old movie finished and now I am simply trying to live life as it happens. Mom grins and covers her mouth with the hand that is not holding the door open and I know she is about to say something because that is the face she pulls when she's about to make a comment on how glad she is about something, but I cut her off before she can say anything because that would embarrass both Tiffany and me, and I don't want that after the hard time I had trying to convince her to come home.
"Can we come in? It's freezing out here." I say.
Mother opens the door completely and lets us in without saying anything. I catch her eye and I shake my head slightly to let her know that I know what she is thinking but would prefer she didn't said anything, and she nods back at me.
"Do you want to have something to drink, Tiffany?" Mom asks her. Tiffany replies that she is fine thank you very much, but Mom insists.
"Are you sure? I have hot chocolate in the kitchen, it's already prepared. It will warm you up with this weather outside"
"I'm fine" Tiffany replies again, this time a little less politely.
"I'll have one" I tell her instead because I really want hot chocolate. Mom disappears into the kitchen and that's when I notice Tiffany is trembling.
"You're shaking" I whisper into her ear.
"I'm fine" she repeats. I first put my skywatcher's cloud chart onto the counter and then take off my jacket and put it around her shoulders.
I can hear my dad in the living room watching TV –probably some football match- so I decide it's best if I don't take Tiffany in there.
"Wanna come and see my gym?" I ask her. When she doesn't reply I grab her hand and take her to the basement. She looks around indifferently and still says nothing.
I don't understand why she is behaving this way so I sort of just start moving around until I decide I'm going to give Tiffany a little tour around my humble gym.
"This is the Stomach Master 600, I was dreaming about it for months when I was at the bad place and I was really happy when I saw that Mom had bought it for me. It's great, you wanna try?" I tell her. She shakes her head and looks away.
"Okay, so this is the weight bench and I almost drove Mom crazy with when I was asking for it," I continue with my tour, because I really don't know what else to do.
"She had promised me she would buy it so many times but every time I asked about it she would change the subject and that's how I knew that she still hadn't got it yet because—"
"Earlier in the field, when you asked me if I wanted to come to your house because it was really cold out there, you know why I was so reluctant to come?" Tiffany interrupts me.
It takes me a few seconds to process the information because I didn't expect Tiffany to say anything. I recall what happened in the field and remember seeing Tiffany turn her head when I mentioned about coming to my house, and then saying that it was best if she went home because her parents would be worried.
"Your family still hasn't forgiven me for lying to you, Pat. That's why. Your mom told me herself not long ago. Your brother is never going to forgive me, and probably neither is your dad or your therapist or my sister's husband or any of your football friends because everybody fucking hates me and I think it's best if I just stay the fuck away from them before I can upset them more and—"
"Hey," I say. I walk over to her, grab both her hands and stare directly into her deep green eyes.
Before my old movie ended this would have been very awkward for me, because I'm not used to looking directly into any other women's eyes apart from Nikki's, but now the gesture comes naturally and I don't feel awkward at all holding both of Tiffany's hands. What's more, it fills my face with warmth, and that's what's awkward.
"Listen," I say. "My brother doesn't hate you. Neither does my therapist and I'm sure not even my father. I don't know what Mom has told you because I am not her
girlfriend and she doesn't talk like that to me, but I can tell you that whatever she said she didn't mean it, and that she has forgiven you already because I have seen the look she had on her face just now. And if Mom has forgiven you then Jake has most likely has forgiven you too and dad will eventually follow."
"Pat you don't know the things they said to me, you don't know how they made me feel and what they made me believe, you don't—" Tiffany says before she starts crying again.
This time I know what to do. This time I don't pull away because I have learnt that when Tiffany cries it's because she's seriously hurt and just needs someone to tell her that everything will be alright. So I take her in my arms and that's exactly what I do.
"Shh," I say. My voice is almost inaudible. "It's okay Tiff, don't blame yourself any longer. It's not worth it. That is in the past and belongs to the old movie, remember? And I already rolled the credits of it so there is no use living in there now." I realize I am stroking her hair as I speak, but I keep doing that because it feels so nice to touch her silky black hair.
Tiffany holds me tighter and rests her head on my right shoulder as she continues crying.
"No one in my family hates you, okay? They hate Nikki. As far as I know you don't have a restraining order against me, right?"
It feels weird admitting to Tiffany that my family hates Nikki, and it feels even weirder to know that I don't hold it against them anymore, but I guess that's what happens when a movie ends: you don't have the feelings that you did before, because the movie is already over and you know how it ends so you lose all passion.
Tiffany stops crying for a moment, looks up at me, and smiles. The first genuine smile I have seen on her since a very long time. But tears quickly cover her face again and before I know it I am holding her body against mine. Knowing that she allows me to do this feels good.
Suddenly somewhere between the hot tears and the hand holding and hair strokes someone shouts from upstairs and Tiffany pulls away. Mom is calling us to have our hot chocolates –because I know that she probably has prepared Tiffany's as well as mine even though Tiffany said she didn't want one— so Tiffany cleans her face with her sleeve trying to remove all evidence of her crying, and takes a deep breath before she looks into my eyes. I wink at her, take her hand and go upstairs.
Mom is waiting for us in the Kitchen. Just as I suspected there are two steamy mugs of hot chocolate waiting for us at the kitchen table, alongside some homemade
cookies and tarts.
"Thank you" Tiffany says when she sees that there is a mug for her. We sit down and drink our chocolate while my mother watches.
"Mom what is dad doing?" I ask.
"He's watching football" She answers. All Mom does is smile and she is embarrassing me so I say "Mom you don't need to smile so much" and she stands up and says "I'll leave you two alone" and then leaves the kitchen.
Tiffany actually finishes her chocolate quicker than me, which makes me think that she wanted to have one on the first place and also how glad I am that Mom actually served a mug for her. When I finish I copy her and stare out of the window. It is actually heavily snowing now so I worry that Tiffany will have a rough time getting home because I know that Mom won't drive in the snowstorm and I can't drive either because I am on medication and it would be illegal for me. So I think about Tiffany getting home whilst she plays with her empty mug and eats a ginger biscuit. And then this idea comes into my mind.
"You can stay here for the night if you want." I say. Tiffany looks at me; clearly I have surprised her with my question. "It's crazy out there and something bad could happen to you and Mom hates driving in the middle of a snowstorm and I can't drive 'cause I'm on meds and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. So, do you want to?" I ask again because, it sounds strange, but I really want her to stay. She stares at me for at least two minutes until she speaks again.
"Where would I sleep?" she asks. I am sort of surprised because I was waiting something like 'that would be very nice thank you' or 'I would love to stay here' yet she asks me where will she sleep tonight.
"In my bed of course" I say. Where else did she think she would be sleeping?
"In your bedroom?"
"Yeah."
"In the attic?"
"Yeah."
She looks at me for a moment with a thoughtful face.
"Where would you sleep?" She asks.
"I've got a sleeping bag."
"You've got a sleeping bag?"
"Yeah I do."
"Why do you have a sleeping bag?"
I hesitate for a moment before answering. I'm not too sure of how she is going to react to Nikki's name being mentioned again.
"To sweat."
This time she looks at me doubtfully. I sigh and tell her the whole story.
"Nikki likes a man with a developed upper body," I repeat the exact words I told Mom what seems like ages ago. "I used to sleep in the sleeping bag to sweat more at night. Sweating makes you lose weight which leads to having a fit body which leads to having a better chance of getting Nikki back."
Tiffany clenches her hands into fists and goes back to looking out of the window. I know I have upset her by mentioning Nikki's name and I don't like that because I don't want to upset Tiffany, but I don't know what else to say so I just stay quiet.
After a while Tiffany just stands up and walks towards the doorway. I am confused because I didn't expect her to respond like this so it takes me a couple of seconds to react but soon I am on my feet making my way towards her.
"Tiffany!" I say a little too loudly. "Tiffany. Hey Tiffany wait, don't go."
She stops right in front of the front door.
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Why are you leaving?"
"Well obviously you don't want me here; you just want your whore of an ex-wife back so I think it's best if I go now!" She snaps. Normally, when people insult Nikki I insult them back, but oddly I don't get irritated by Tiffany's comment or feel the need to snap back anymore.
"Who says I want my ex-wife back?" I ask. I am confused.
"You just clearly pointed that out just there, no? 'which means to lose weight which means having a better chance at getting Nikki back'" she mimics me. "If you want your Nikki back I'll be leaving now before I get more of this bullshit." She takes the door handle and opens the door. A cold breeze enters the house.
"Tiffany!" I grab her wrist a little too brusquely. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. I don't want Nikki back, that's old movie, that's old movie! You asked why I have a sleeping bag and I told you: to lose weight so that I could get Nikki back, but that was before. Old movie, okay? I don't use my sleeping bag anymore, I don't need to, but I can use it today if you want to stay over because I will give you my bed if you do stay."
When she doesn't answer I take her hand off the handle and close the door. I am shivering.
"It's cold out there." I say.
"I'm going home." She says.
"What?" I am surprised because I thought she would stay. It's icy cold outside.
"I'm going home Pat, I don't have any spare wear and I could be stuck in here forever"
"I'll walk you home." I say.
My fingers are numb when we arrive at Tiffany's house. I figure hers must be the same but I don't know that because I am not holding her hand, yet she hasn't complained not even once since we left my house. As soon as we reach her doorway she hurries up her pace and walks to the entrance. I want to shout out her name but I don't know what's with her today so I just stay silent. I watch as she pulls out the key from her bag and then opens the door. I think she is going to leave without saying goodbye when she suddenly turns around and looks at me from over her shoulder. Her face has the same look it had around the first months of meeting Tiffany, until later when told me she was scouting me. So I think she is scouting me again because she has that same look. After some thirty seconds or so she simply turns away, enters the house and closes the door behind her, without a goodbye or anything. It doesn't annoy me, I am used to this from the many times she has done it before, but it confuses me because I was expecting her to react a bit more warmly as it was just earlier today when she told me she needed me. I stand paralysed for some good two minutes before I make way my way back home. I think about how weird women sometimes are and how I wish Tiffany had stayed in my house and how cold I am and just how difficult and messed up everything is and I want more hot chocolate and want to get home now.
Because it's cold.
I am cold.
I want to be home.
I want hot chocolate.
I have upset her.
It's cold.
The snow.
Hot chocolate.
I want to hug her.
My fingers are numb.
I want hot chocolate.
I want her with me.
It's cold.
I can barely move.
Hot steamy chocolate.
The snow.
I want her.
It's cold.
The snow.
My fingers.
I want her
It's cold.
The snow.
My fingers.
Tiffany.
Chocolate
It's cold.
Tiffany.
The snow.
It's cold.
Tiffany.
Tiffany.
I need her.
It hits me unexpectedly. I don't want hot chocolate. I don't want to be home. I don't want to be warm. Not as long as I'm alone. I want Tiffany. I need Tiffany. I don't think I need her. I know I need her. I want to be with her, I want to hold her in my arms, I want to caress her cheek and leave her face free of tears. I want to stroke her hair again because she allows me to do this and it feels nice. I want her.
I can hardly move my fingers as I open my house door. I go inside and close the door behind me. When I turn I see Mom looking at me.
"Where's Tiffany?" she asks me.
"I walked her home."
"In this weather? And where is your jacket? Why aren't you wearing one?"
"I gave it to Tiffany because she didn't have one and she was shivering"
"Why didn't you take another one?" she raises her voice. "You're going to catch something, like some sort of cold or weird virus! Jesus Pat, don't do that especially in this weather!"
"It's okay Mom, I'm fine." I insist.
"Come let me have a look at you, I'll prepare some more chocolate. You need it now."
"Mom, I fine." I repeat. It is true that I feel a bit dizzy and I've probably caught a cold like Mom says, but I also feel empty and definitely not in the mood for hot chocolate. I just want to lie on my bed under the covers and put my mind at rest because I need to digest everything that's happened today. It stills feels a bit surreal. Mom looks at me worryingly but I don't feel like discussing anything with her either, so I simply turn and go up the stairs directly into my room.