Walk With Me Yesterday
Category: Drama/Angst/Romance
Pairing: Tosh/Owen
Summary: Recent events in her life prompt Tosh to live a little more and Owen is infatuated by the change.
Warnings: A few swear words, couple of adult moments and if you don't like spoilers or not so happy endings I advise against reading any further :P
Disclaimer: Don't own nothing, nudda, zip…
Author's Notes: Okay my first stab at a Torchwood fic! This is set some time after the final of season 2 and disregards Owens death in 'Reset' as well as his & Tosh's deaths in 'Exit Wounds'. If it's a little ooc I appoligize… I was trying to take it in the direction that I imagined the writers taking Owen & Tosh had they not been killed off.
The words in italic were inspired by Whistlers quote in Buffy. Hopefully it's not too confusing, I wrote it as one paragraph but then split it up because it worked better for the ending.
As always constructive criticism and reviews are muchly appreciated :)
Toshiko Sato pursed her lips, dabbing on the last layer of red gloss before recapping the lid and scrutinizing her reflection in the mirror.
It was a little more make-up than she was used to but overall she was pleased with the combination. Dark purple eyeshadow to give her eyes a smokey appearance and painted red lips adding vibrancy to her complexion. Nothing too heavy, just enough to edge over subtle. Her fringe framed the look while the rest of her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, a couple of strands deliberately coming loose to achieve a messier look and her outfit…
A smile touched her features as she smoothed down the silk backless halterneck top that sat neatly over her tight jeans. It was a far cry from her usual attire but she didn't feel as uncomfortable as she thought she would.
In fact, she felt down right sexy.
Taking a deep breath she tore her gaze away from the mirror to pull on her black stiletto heels.
This was it.
Tonight she was done being the shy, quiet, geeky, member of her team. It was about time she let loose, had a bit of fun. The last few months had proved to her that life was too unpredictable, too short to be spent living in the shell she'd been so accustomed to hiding in.
Doing up the straps across her ankle, she did her best to swallow the nerves rising in the pit of her stomach.
It wasn't just one thing that had set into motion the change. If she were honest it had all started back when Owen had first been shot during the reset incident. He could've easily died, nearly had and since then it had been one close call after the next. The turning point however, had come as she'd been lying on the floor of the hub slowly bleeding to death after being shot by Grey.
If Jack had been five minutes later or if Owen hadn't escaped the lockdown at the power plant…
Then and there she'd promised herself if they made it out she would change, be different, be better. Life could be turned upside down in an instant and she didn't want to spend her last moments sifting through regrets.
Perching on the end of her bed, Tosh directed her thoughts away from the possible 'what ifs' grabbing her purse to make sure she had everything.
The team, well Jack, had decided that they were long over due for a social outing and she was already running late. They were supposed to be meeting at a local club about thirty minutes ago and while it wasn't exactly the date with Owen she'd been hoping for, somehow with everything that had happened they kept missing each other, she was still looking forward to the chance to get out and have some fun.
Satisfied she had everything Tosh pushed herself off the bed, catching herself one last time in the mirror.
Whatever happened, she was ready.
No regrets.
There are moments in life which define us. Sometimes minuscule, sometimes massive but they're there… marked out like little red dots on a road map. They join together creating a journey, leading us to be the people we're supposed to be.
"Anyone heard from Tosh, she's not backing out is she?" Gwen took a sip of beer, trying to steal a glance through the growing crowd.
She and Owen had arrived first, securing a booth at the back of the club where it was a little less noisy and Jack had arrived with Ianto shortly after. Now they were nearly through their first round of drinks and she was concerned their fifth teammate wasn't going to show.
Tosh had a renowned tendency to skip out on social gatherings.
"She said she was coming..." Ianto commented, swirling around the ice in his glass.
The two of them had left the hub together in order to go home and change but before they'd separated, he clearly remembered her commenting on how nice it would be to spend some un-work related time together, a sentiment he'd shared.
The night ahead was definitely something he was looking forward to or at least the part about Jack taking advantage of him in a less than sober state. "And she seemed keen."
Owen took in the information, fiddling with the label on his beer before subtly glancing at the time. Tosh wasn't usually late. In fact, she was never late.
His brow creased as he took a sip, letting his mind wander to the absent women. Something had been off with her lately, something he couldn't quite pinpoint but something he found incredibly intriguing. She seemed more confident, more self assured but at the same time acting as if it was no big deal. Even her responses had been less candid, brushing him off on the odd occasion and the fact she was no longer falling over herself trying to gain his attention at work was a bit of a blow to his ego.
Before Jack had come up with this little get together he'd actually been toying with the idea of asking if she still wanted that date, though if he were honest he didn't expect all that much from it. Sure he found her attractive and he was done with relationships that ended with him unable to remember the girls name in the morning but it was Tosh... she was a mate, the farthest thing from his type there was.
Owen tore the rest of the label from his bottle, crumpling it up into a ball. The fact she seemed less interested in him now was doing strange things to his emotions. He couldn't help it, there was just something about women who played hard to get that he found to be incredibly sexy.
Raising the beer to his lips, he swigged the last of it, catching a glimpse of Tosh as she finally arrived. For a second he was too distracted to swallow and his eyes widened as the liquid traveled down his wind pipe causing him to sputter violently.
Jack thumped a hand against his back with an amused smile, "My, how the tables have turned." He'd seen Tosh enter only moments before Owen and while he'd been expecting a reaction, he couldn't help but laugh as the man attempted to gain control of himself.
"Don't be bloody ridiculous." Owen wiped a hand across his mouth, scowling as Gwen piped up.
"Awww, Owen's got a little crush has he?"
"Sod off the lot of you," he glared, standing up to order the next round of drinks, "I'm not interested."
It was a lie.
As he moved over to the bar where Tosh was now standing, he couldn't deny he was very very interested and he found his voice suddenly dry as he stood beside her. "Tosh babe, what are you having?"
She smiled, pausing for a moment as his aftershave filled her senses. He scrubbed up well in the typical shirt and jeans combination topped with his trademark leather jacket and she had to force herself to keep breathing as he lent over the bar, brushing up against her shoulder. "Vodka and orange."
He smirked, pulling out his wallet and nodding to the bartender, "One beer, two rum and cokes and a vodka and orange thanks mate." He handed over a fifty deciding that if she and Ianto were hitting the hard stuff he may as well have a go to. Gwen, for now, was sticking with beer. Something about wanting to return home to Rhys in a decent state and Jack as a rule only ever drank water which meant it was up to the three of them to pick up the slack.
The older man came back with his change and Owen stuffed the money in his wallet, before slipping the leather pouch into his back pocket. "So, not like you to be late…" he turned, resting his head on his hand as his eyes skimmed over Tosh's outfit. He wanted to tell her she looked amazing, stunning, that one step closer and he would cave under her touch but his usual confidence floundered and the words came out a little differently than he intended, "Bit dressed up aren't we?"
Her eyes flashed with something he didn't recognize and he silently cursed as she rolled her back against the bar, turning her gaze towards the crowd. "Though I might have a bit of fun tonight, forget about work for a while."
If she was offended by his previous comment she didn't show it, instead swaying her hips every so slightly to the music and Owen swallowed hard trying to ignore the reaction his body was having to the movement.
Opening his mouth, he was saved from having to respond as the bartender returned with their drinks and he skillfully picked up three, leading them back to the booth.
Sliding the glasses across the table, Owen sat down next to Jack slightly disappointed when Tosh chose the seat next to Gwen who immediately started gushing over her outfit. An array of words were used that he only wished he'd been able to articulate and he took a large sip of his drink, wincing as even Ianto managed a sentence he'd been unable to form.
"You look positively stunning, Tosh."
"Okay stop," she joked, blushing at their words, "otherwise you're going to have an ego as big as Owens to deal with."
For the second time that night he nearly spat out his drink as they all began laughing. Not only was she having a go, it was Ianto that had caused the faint rise of pink to colour her cheeks.
That was his job.
"Now Toshiko, I don't even think that's possible." Jack piped up, slightly amused by the shift in dynamics between his team members. He'd watched them interacting together over the years and it was about time Tosh got a little of her own back. Whatever had caused the change it suited her and he hoped it was enough to open Owen's eyes.
Grabbing his water, Jack settled back into the conversation and it wasn't long before the next round of drinks was arriving and then another and another until they were all chatting comfortably, reminiscing successful missions and laughing over some of their less serious encounters.
"What about that device, the one that made all you guys-" Tosh covered her grin as Ianto coughed, breaking into the sentence.
"Now Tosh, I don't think Gwen really wants to hear about that particular incident."
"Especially since we decided never to bring it up again!" Owen added, feeling suddenly hot under the collar as he remembered the chemical reaction all three male team members had experienced once the object was turned on. Even after it had been switched off he'd been walking around with a hard on for hours.
Gwen laughed, only imagining what could've happened and decided that she would have to ask Tosh about it when they were alone next. Finishing off the last of her beer, she dropped the glass down on the table and stood up, "Everyone want the same?"
A selection of nods greeted her and she silently reflected that it was nice, the five of them spending some quality time together, before moving to get what would have to be her last round. It was getting late and she'd already spent far too much money as it was.
Reaching the bar, she ordered and payed for their drinks, pulling out her phone as the bartender left to retrieve them. One new message flashed across the screen and she thumbed the buttons, skillfully replying to Rhys' text with one hand. He hadn't minded that she'd wanted a night out with the guys but apparently he had a surprise waiting for her at home and she was eager to find out exactly what that entailed.
Slipping the phone back in her pocket, she cast her gaze back to the table.
Jack and Ianto were sat in the corner, a little too close together, and she knew it wouldn't be long until they decided to depart. She smiled at the thought. There was a time she would've liked to be in Ianto's position but not now. No, she was happily married and despite the odd pairing the two men worked well together.
Then there was Owen and Tosh.
At some point during the night they had moved beside each other but despite their closeness there was a definite tension radiating between them. Something was going on there. Tosh, who had consumed way more alcohol than Gwen had ever seen her drink was lapping up the conversation, talking amicably but it was Owen's reactions that really surprised her. He seemed nervous, on edge and though she'd only been teasing him before about having a crush she had to wonder if perhaps there wasn't some truth to the joke.
The drinks arrived and Gwen was surprised as Tosh appeared by her side, taking her vodka and downing it in one swift motion.
"Coming for a dance?" She dropped the glass back on the bar looking hopeful and Gwen laughed shaking her head. She'd been smart enough to stick to beer all night and while Tosh wasn't quite wasted, she was definitely tipsy.
"Sorry Tosh, how about Owen? He looks about ready for some fun."
Tosh snorted slightly at the suggestion. She'd thought given the amount of drinks they'd both consumed that he might have at least tried 'something' but while he was laughing and joking with her, that was it. He'd barely looked at her twice all night and she was done waiting around.
"Come on Gwen, we both know he's not interested." She sounded sad for a moment but quickly perked up, "Once dance that's it, please?"
With a sigh, Gwen was about to reluctantly agree but was stopped by a very handsome stranger stepping into the conversation.
"Sorry, I wasn't eavesdropping…" he smiled genuinely before holding out his hand, "But it's a crime that you're not already out there dancing."
Tosh felt herself blush and with an approving nod from Gwen accepted his hand, following him onto the floor. Her first thought was that he was nothing like Owen. He was wearing a suit and the tousled blonde hair that framed his face was a stark contrast to the short brown crop she fallen in love with but he seemed nice enough and she really did want to dance.
To hell with Owen, she was here to have fun.
Gwen watched the pair disappear with a smile on her face, well done Tosh.
Carefully making her way back to the table with the groups drinks she wasn't surprised as Owen looked up at her with a somewhat pissed off look on his face, "Who was that then?"
"Don't know, didn't catch his name." She slid over his rum and coke, taking the seat opposite him. "Cute though."
"Wanker more like." Owen picked up his drink, letting the warm fuzzy sensation ease his nerves.
He'd been just about to ask Tosh to dance, something he'd been working up too, but her thigh had pressed against his leg momentarily distracting him and then she'd bounced up before he'd gotten his bearings back. It had been happening all night. A slight touch, a whiff of her perfume and any words on his tongue were lost, disappearing into the back of his mind where he couldn't quite reach them again.
It was fucking ridiculous.
He needed a quick shag, a way to vent all his frustrated emotions.
"Come on honey, what's say we get out of here?" Jack shoved Ianto playfully, who quickly downed the last of his drink before whispering something in Jacks ear that Gwen didn't quite catch.
Stepping out of the booth, she gave them both a quick hug as they climbed out. "Night boys, play safe." Again their comments were lost as she sat back down, raising an eyebrow in Owen's direction as they disappeared from view.
"Okay, you are going to tell me right now what's going on."
Owen dropped his gaze, swirling the ice around his glass. He didn't do the talking thing. His family weren't close and since joining Torchwood his friends had pretty much dwindled away so there was no one to talk to. Jack was his boss. Ianto was a mate at a stretch, they'd had enough tense encounters for him to wonder if they could ever form a real friendship and Gwen…
He raised his head, wondering when it had stopped being awkward between them. Sleeping together was a mistake which would be futile to point out now especially given they'd grown into an almost normal relationship but maybe he could open up to her.
Maybe it would help.
"I don't know what I'm doing, I don't-" He stopped, running a hand through his hair. This wasn't him. He didn't have problems with women and if he did, he certainly didn't talk about them.
"She thinks you're not interested." Gwen offered, sensing his hesitation. She didn't understand how someone so usually self-assured and cocky could be so off balance. "Why don't you just go and ask her to dance, what's the worst that can happen?"
"Nah," he dismissed the suggestion finishing off his drink, "she'd probably think I was taking the piss."
Gwen smirked picking up her beer. While it might be true, it also sounded a lot like an excuse. "Owen Harper, I never thought I'd see the day you were scared to talk to a girl."
"I am not scared," he spat out angrily, "this is Tosh we're talking about, I can't just go up and start dancing. It's complicated."
"So uncomplicated it." She sat the half empty bottle down before picking her bag up from the seat beside her. Now Ianto and Jack were gone her presence was the only thing keeping Owen from making a move and she was sure once she left, he would find the motivation to do something about Tosh.
"Night Owen."
"Yeah, bugger off then..." Despite the comment he waved slightly as she disappeared into the crowd, letting out a long, slow sigh.
He had three choices.
Go order another drink, maybe try to pick up and get some action, he could go home or he could try and find Tosh. Surprisingly the last option sounded the most appealing and he slid his glass across the table, pulling himself out of the booth.
Steadying himself he took a breath before making his way towards the busy dance floor.
Through his tipsy haze he caught sight of Tosh still dancing with the wanker in a suit but despite his annoyance his breath caught at the sight of her moving to the music. It was entrancing and he was overcome by the sudden urge to be the guy pressed up behind her, running his hands over her body.
Unable to stand it any longer he took a step forward but was stopped by a tall blonde wearing a pair of angel wings. "Smile, it wouldn't kill you…" she brushed her fingers along his arm and Owen tried not to flinch as she moved closer.
"Sorry love, not tonight." He went to push her away but she grabbed him forcefully, crushing against his lips. For a brief second he forgot all about Tosh until her fingers traveled down the waistline of his jeans.
Coming to his senses he shoved her back narrowing his eyes, "Get off me."
"Suit yourself then." She looked offended but he didn't care, moving passed her to the space where he'd last seen Tosh dancing.
She was gone.
Turning around, he scanned the area hoping to catch a glimpse of her but there was nothing. Even if she was a little wasted she was still Tosh and he was sure she wouldn't have left, not without saying goodbye.
Unless of course she'd seen him with the blonde and assumed... Shit.
He cursed, scrubbing a hand through his hair as he pushed his was through to the exit. They couldn't have gotten far. Breaking out into the fresh air he frantically searched the street, feeling his blood boil as his gaze landed on the sleazy suit pinning her up against the wall a few meters down the road. Had he been sober he probably would've stopped to consider the consequences of his actions or in the very least the fact that Tosh didn't seem at all in distress but in his drunken haze he ignored the rational side of his brain, reaching the pair with a fiery look in his eyes.
"Oi, get off her!"
The man stepped back looking annoyed as he turned around, "You got a problem mate?"
Owen smirked, mentally sizing the guy up. Nice suit, nice hair, probably a nice car... definitely not a good fighter. "That depends, are you going to give me one?" His fist curled instinctively by his side but the man backed off, raising his arms defensively.
"Whatever, just keep a tighter leash on your girl next time."
"Jerk." Owen muttered the comment under his breath as the man left, recoiling as Tosh's hand came into contact with his cheek a moment later. "What the bloody hell was that for!" He rubbed the side of his face gingerly, surprised as she shoved him back roughly.
"How dare you!" Tosh raised her voice, unable to believe he had just chased away the first nice guy she'd met in months. To say she was pissed off was definitely an understatement. "You think it's okay for you to pick up whoever you want but as soon as I get someone interested that's it, fun's over?"
"Come on Tosh, he was an idiot." Holding his stance stubbornly, Owen refused to back down, "I was doing you a favor!"
"No you weren't, you were being a stupid selfish prat!" Her hands flew to her hips, trying to find some reason for his actions. She didn't understand. Last time she had looked he'd been too busy hooking up with some blonde to care about her whereabouts which left only one explanation. "You just can't stand to see me happy can you? You're not satisfied unless I'm moping over you, following you around like a lost dog. Sorry Owen but I'm over you, I don't care anymore!"
She turned away from him and he felt his heart stop.
She was lying, she had to be.
"Tosh wait-" He grabbed her arm, refusing to let go as she struggled against him.
"Why? So you can embarrass me a little more?" She shook her head, refusing to give him the satisfaction, "I can't, just please, let me go, Owen let me-" His lips silenced her rant and she stopped fighting as he pushed her up against the wall, melting into his body. Anger turned into desire and she wrapped her leg around his knee, drawing him closer whist threading her hand through his hair.
"Tosh," He moaned, dropping his mouth to her neck and trailing kisses along the soft skin. This is what he wanted. Not some random girl, not someone he could pick up in a bar. He wanted her and while he mightn't be able to express that need with words he could definitely do it with actions.
Slipping his hand under her top, he smiled as her body arched towards him in response and he nipped her collar bone, stifling a growl as she pressed harder against him. He didn't want to stop but their current location wasn't exactly private and so he reluctantly pulled back, placing an arm above her head to support his weight, "Lets get out of here."
She nodded, managing to find her voice with surprising confidence. "My place is only a few blocks from here."
He closed his eyes briefly as she slipped out from under him, wondering how he was possibly going to make the journey. He was so hard he could barely think straight, let a lone walk anywhere and he sucked in a deep breath trying to picture Jack and Ianto.
Jack and Ianto naked.
Jack and Ianto with Toys.
Jack and Ianto, Jack and Ianto… the pressure in his pants eased slightly and he pushed off the wall, looking around for Tosh. She was walking or rather staggering in the direction of her apartment and he closed the distance between them with ease, slipping an arm around her waist.
"You're drunk." He pointed out casually which caused her to laugh into his shoulder.
"And you're not?" She should've been questioning why he was here, why he hadn't gone home with the women who'd propositioned him on the dance floor or in the very least why he was here with her? But she didn't, instead taking a deep breath and finding comfort in his familiar scent.
"Well darling,' Owen scoffed answering her question, "I'm always drunk. You on the other hand are usually a little bit more reserved."
"And you," she stuck out a finger, poking his ribs in retaliation, "wouldn't normally give me a second glance, so obviously I did something right."
It was meant as a joke but he felt a wave of guilt at the insinuation. Did she really think she needed to get drunk for him to notice her? Had he ever given her a reason to think otherwise? His body stiffened with the realization that he was a complete and utter jackass. For one, their first time together shouldn't be while they were both hammered.
"Tosh we should-"
"Don't." She cut him off, anticipating the tone of his voice as they stopped walking. "I know what you're going to say."
With a sigh she reluctantly pulled away, wrapping her arms around herself as the loss of his warmth sent shivers through her body. "I didn't get drunk to impress you. I'm tired of having regrets, of nearly dying and wishing I'd done things differently. Life's too short."
Owen regarded her carefully, hearing the truth behind her words. In their line of work it was a miracle if they made it through the day unscathed but at the same time living on the edge could sometimes create more regrets.
He knew that one from experience.
"I'm not complaining, particularly about the clothes," he reached out, smirking as his hand tugged her waist back to him, "But there's a balance. I don't want to rush this and sleeping together now would be taking advantage."
First she was surprised by the sincerity but then her paranoia took over. The Owen she knew, he wouldn't have hesitated and she couldn't help but think maybe it was her, maybe he was starting to sober up and realize the mistake he was about to make.
"No." He shook his head reading the thoughts as they flickered across her face. To him she was far to east to read, especially when drunk. "This," he motioned between them, "is something I haven't done in a long time. We could actually work but you need to help me out here Tosh cause I don't want to screw it up."
She smiled at the frown creasing his forehead. She couldn't help it, he was ridiculously cute when he was being honest. "Trust me, you're doing just fine." Reaching up, she pulled his head down, brushing her lips against his in reassurance.
"Come on then." Owen tugged her back to their previous position, leading them in the direction of her apartment. In truth, he had no idea what he was doing but it felt right and that was enough for him.
Change is an unpredictable constant. Whether we're prepared or not these moments take hold throwing us into the unknown and we never quite make it out the same. Sometimes we loose entire pieces, sometimes we become stronger and sometimes we break.
For once Owen smiled as the light streamed in, pulling him from the last remnants of sleep. Usually after a night out he had a hangover to match but not this time. Instead his head was filled with memories of the fantastic hours he and Tosh had spent 'getting to know each other' on a whole new level.
Sighing contently, he rolled over surprised to find the other side of the bed empty and he frowned noticing the note that lay on the pillow beside him. Reaching out, he thumbed it open feeling his doubts ease as he skimmed over the words;
Went to get coffee and breakfast. Don't even think about skipping out, be back soon. - Tosh
He laughed slightly, letting the piece of paper fall back down to the sheets. They both knew he wasn't a morning person and it was just like her to think ahead. Stretching his hands above his head, he yawned, throwing back the covers and swinging his legs over the side of the bed.
Shower.
It was a Saturday which meant they both had the day off but he still wanted to be fresh for the days activities he had planned. Not that any of them actually involved leaving the apartment or even the bedroom for that matter.
Smirking, he stood up grabbing the clothes that lay scattered over the floor as he moved towards to the bathroom. It was fairly sparse, neatly kept, much like his own and he turned on the shower noting that the water pressure wasn't too bad either.
Waiting a few moments for it to heat up, he stepped under the spray enjoying the warmth as it soaked into his muscles. There wasn't much in the way of soap, just a bottle of girly looking scrub which he didn't fancy using so he stayed under a little longer than usual before reluctantly turning off the taps.
Figuring Tosh wouldn't mind, he grabbed the towel that hung from the rack and began drying himself off. It was nice, waking up in someone elses place and feeling comfortble. Definately something he could get used to.
Hanging the wet fabric over the shower door, he slipped on his boxers followed by the crumpled pair of jeans and then his t-shirt. He didn't even bother checking the mirror as he strode back out into the apartment glancing around to see if Tosh had arrived back yet.
There was no sign of her and he frowned, finding his phone that had been thrown carelessly on the kitchen bench alongside his wallet and keys. No messages. Running a hand through his damp hair, he found his shoes forcing his feet into them.
She couldn't have gone far and it was a nice day, why not go out and enjoy it?
Grabbing his things off the counter, he closed the door before turning and jogging down the steps to the street. If memory served there was a café a couple of blocks down the road that he and Tosh had been to a few times while Jack had been awol. It seemed like a good a place as an any to start looking and he rolled up his sleeves, making his way in it's general direction, even smiling occasionally at people who passed.
He couldn't help it he was in a good mood.
In fact, he was actually enjoying the walk until he found his pace instinctively slowing at a mass of people gathered on the sidewalk.
Knotting his brow together in confusion, he was about to cross the road to avoid them when he heard one of them call out for a doctor. Fearing the worst he maintained a slow jog until he reached them, pushing through and announcing himself.
"It's okay, I'm a doc-" The word died on his lips as he took in the spilt coffee surrounding the unconscious women on the ground.
"Car came out of nowhere then just took off, we didn't want to move her."
Owen barely registered the crouched man, shaking his head slowly from side to side. This couldn't be happening, it couldn't- "Tosh!"
He snapped out of his daze dropping beside her, "No, no, no, no, no!" His hand flew out checking for a pulse and he felt a tiny amount of relief as his fingers found the thready beat rising and falling softly beneath her skin.
"We called for an ambulance, should he here soon."
The man beside him wavered slightly, unsure how else to help and Owen closed his eyes feeling the pressure of the surrounding crowd. He needed to think, concentrate and he couldn't do that with so many people staring, watching his every move.
"Okay, I need you all to back off, give her some space! You," he fished his mobile out, pointing to the man on the ground, "take this, speed dial one. Don't stop calling till you get through!"
The guy stood up and Owen didn't bother explaining further. Jack would be able to get them to block of roads, clear the way, anything she just had to hold on.
"Tosh?" He touched the side of her face careful not to jolt her as his mind went into doctor mode. Possible spinal injuries, internal bleeding, chance of hemmorage, they were all likely but he needed more information. "Tosh babe, wake up, tell me where it hurts."
She moaned softly and he held his breath as her eyes fluttered open, "That's my girl, come on stay with me."
"Owen?" She rasped, trying to comprehend what was going on but he shook his head indicating she shouldn't try and talk too much.
"Just tell me where it hurts okay?"
Wincing, she found that everything hurt but the words caught in her throat making her cough violently. It felt like her chest was reducing in size and she fought to push air back into her lungs, trying to ignore the pain the movement caused.
"Easy…" Owen brushed her lips with the side of his thumb, wiping away the blood that had trickled down from the corner of her mouth. There was definate internal bleeding, maybe a cracked rib or punctured lung and he silently cursed, rubbing the crimson colour into his jeans. "In and out, slowly."
Despite his instruction her breaths became short and labored, causing black spots to dance across her vision and with a strength she didn't know she possesed, Tosh reached out gripping his hand.
This was it, she could feel it.
Blood was pooling in her lungs, drowning her from the inside but instead of feeling terrified, she calmed, rolling her head to the side. Owen was here. She didn't know how or why but his presence kept the fear at bay. She felt safe.
"Tosh! Don't you dare!" He recognized the look of surrender in her eyes and squeezed her hand tightly, "Not now, not like this. Come on, we haven't even had out first fight yet."
Smiling softly, she caught his gaze remembering the night they'd spent together. Whatever happened, those were going to be her last thoughts, no regrets.
"Owen it's…" she swallowed hard forcing the words out, "it's okay… it really… is. "
"No it's not, it's not-" his voice cracked but he didn't care, "it's not okay. I am not letting you give up! You hear me, you are not leaving me here alone, damnit Tosh!"
The sound of sirens filled her ears and she closed her eyes. It didn't hurt anymore. The warmth from Owen's fingers was spreading through her body, bathing her in light and she took a final content breath, letting it claim her completely.
"Tosh, no..." Owen covered his face as an anguished sob tore from his throat.
He couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't focus on anything other than the tight pain spanning through his chest. They hadn't even gotten a chance. He fucking loved her and they hadn't even gotten a chance.
The realization was sick, cruel and anger surged through him as he clawed openly at the ground. It could have been hours that he stayed like that, digging his fingers into the road until they were painted with blood, he couldn't tell. Time meant nothing, moving as blur and only allowing him to register one thing.
At some point he'd let go of her hand.
He didn't remember the team arriving, the protests, the screams, the hug that Jack had forced him into or the pity that had radiated from Gwen's eyes. He didn't remember any of it, except that he had let go…
And now she was gone.
It's not these moments, these experiences that define us. They're always going to come. It's what happens afterwards,
"…it's how we deal with the consequence that define us. That's when we find out who we are." Owen looked up from the trembling paper in his hands, taking a deep breath, "Toshiko Sato knew exactly who she was, she died with that knowledge and without regrets. That's how she should be remembered."
It wasn't a big crowd that had gathered to mourn the loss but they were touched by his words and Owen took a step back, folding the crumpled speech up and shoving it in his suit pocket. Despite the fact he hadn't wanted to say anything, he was the last to speak at her funeral and as he took his place beside Jack, he silently nodded his thanks.
He'd needed this.
A chance to say goodbye.
The formalities were over quickly and he pushed his hands firmly into his pockets as everyone slowly started to disperse. It was depressing really, forty-five minutes give or take to sum up all the billions of seconds shoved together to form a life.
The effort in his opinion, definitely didn't exceed the outcome.
"Owen, you coming?" Gwen brushed his arm lightly to which he just shook his head.
Not yet.
He wasn't ready just yet.
She excepted his silent response joining the others and he took a deep breath, kneeling down before the headstone in front of him.
The flowers were fresh but they would wither, fade away just like his memories. Natures way of human preservation. He could still remember Katie's funeral but it was all so surreal, like a photograph in his mind. The grief he'd felt at the time was just a ghost of a feeling that accompanied those pictures.
But this was different.
This was now and the pain was excruciating.
Owen glanced over his shoulder making sure the others had left before slipping into his pocket, fingering the small white pill he'd stashed there earlier. Jack wouldn't understand, neither would the rest of his team and Tosh…
He laughed bitterly, rolling the retcon tablet in his palm. She definitely wouldn't have approved, told him it was the cowards way out and he was stronger than that but honestly he wasn't so sure. For all his choices he was still no closer to finding himself and the overwhelming sensation of feeling so lost, was threatening to suffocate him.
Closing his fist tightly, Owen Harper took a deep breathe.
His life.
His decision.
Tosh had ended hers knowing exactly who she was but for him, the answer lay in the palm of his hand.