15:31 9 May 2008

The reading of the works of Patrick F. McManus has driven me to attempt to find a "secret place" to hide in. Possibly this insanity will take me over the bank to the ravine modestly referred to as "the woods."

16:07 9 May 2008

I have reached my first target for a possible "secret place". Too steep. A "sea" of horsetails spans the space below. Looks flat.

I believe that I can see a trail off in the distance. The terrain between it and me seems impassable.

No sign of bears so far, but several black stumps have stopped my vital functions shortly. This is of no consequence, as I am easily revived by pounding my chest repeatedly with a large rock.

16:21 9 May 2008

I am currently standing on a rotten log "bridge" over the sea of horsetails. They appear to be about 1 1/2 to 2 ft. tall. There are some very interesting tree growths here. I must remember to take a camera next time.

16:30 9 May 2008

There appear to be two log "bridges" spanning the sea of horsetails. What I have just taken is the harder one. After crossing a section of the log in which the only thing to hang on to, which is also trying to push you off of the log, is a thorn apple, I have concluded that this is probably the harder of the two logs to cross. This is also after I discovered that the only way to exit this log is to jump from it, and subsequently almost falling into a hole containing some orange substance that appeared to be the same as the contents of a glass Natural Foods jar with an expiration date I deduced to be near the end of the previous century. Then I asked myself "which end?"

And now for a little bit of outdoorsman information:

One-Legger-

Synonyms:

That bleeping bleep hole of a bleeping bleep-of-a-bleep bleeping bleep-bleep.

A fall in which the hunter/outdoorsman places his foot on a surface that at the time seems solid, but is suddenly weak for the sole purpose of shriveling all of the foliage within a five-foot-radius. The hunter/outdoorsman's leg is then sucked into the hole while the other leg is free to dance around on the surface. Adding to the effect is the fact that whenever a hunter/outdoorsman experiences a one-legger, she/he has the sensation has that something is gnawing on his leg.

Common places for a hunter/outdoorsman to do a one-legger: Prairies and stream banks/beaver holes.

Once a hunter/outdoorsman has experienced a one-legger in one places several times, she/he is not likely to experience another. There are two reasons for this: either they have become warier about where they step or they are too busy with their new hobby: hanging around the local beaver dam with a baseball bat.

NOTE:

A one-legger is not to be confused with an almost-one-legger. An almost-one-legger is when a hunter/outdoorsman is walking along and one of their feet sinks a couple inches into the ground, causing them to jump back. If they are crossing a log bridge over a sea of horsetails, then generally will fall off in response. However, if they are not crossing such a log, then the usual response is "Holy bleep that was bleeping close!"

16:33 9 May 2008

This is it! I have finally found my secret place! It is much flatter than the rest of the surrounding terrain. A fallen but sturdy log overlooks a mild drop off, and at the end of the drop, I can hear and mostly see Coal Creek. The sole drawback is that a nearby waterfall sounds remarkably like a bear crashing through the brush. After realizing this, I had a good laugh; but only after I had beaten my chest with a large stick, there being no rocks available.

17:02 9 May 2008

I am back alive. The return trip was uneventful, for the most part, but was punctuated by my discovery of an interesting fern. It seemed familiar. Then I realized it was the one that was supposed to be holding me to the side of the ravine. I calmly reached out and grabbed another fern, muttering under my breath. Or, I "flailed about wildly while reciting a prayer".

I cannot wait to go again.