"Hey, man."
Minho's voice is sad when he walks into the room.
Newt looks up. Part of him wants to hide his red eyes, and part of him just wants to talk, to share how he feels. The last one wins.
"Hey," he says, his throat still thick from the crying.
He swallows hardly before he whispers: "She hasn't survived it."
Minho looks at Lauren, who is lying motionless on the bed. Her chest still doesn't rise, no matter how hard Newt wishes that it would.
Minho pulls a chair next to Newt's.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks quietly. Newt looks at him, surprised. Then he hesitates.
Does he want to talk about it?
Minho looks him in the eyes. The boy seems more serious than he has ever done.
"Newt, I know how someone with a broken heart looks," he says with a low voice. "You loved Lauren, and I bet that she loved you, too."
Newt nods, new tears popping up in his eyes.
"I know what that feels like. To be forced to let go of someone."
"You do?" Newt asks. He can't imagine Minho being upset because of a loved one.
"Yeah. I do," the Asian kid whispers. "There was a girl, before WICKED took me away from where I lived. I often dream about her, every time the same dream, over and over. I'm sure it is a memory."
"What happens in that dream?" Newt asks, getting curious.
Minho sighs.
He doesn't look at Newt, but at a non-existing spot at the floor, almost as if in a trance.
"She hugs me, crying, and then someone tells her to leave. She doesn't, but someone in a WICKED uniform pulls me away from her. She stays behind, whispering my name, and I whisper hers, though I can't remember what her name is."
He wipes his hand over his cheek, and Newt realizes that he is crying. He can't remember Minho ever looking so sad and so sensitive.
"I know, it is only a glimpse of everything that has been wiped, but I know that it is real. I can feel what I felt then. I was hopeless, knowing that I had to leave her behind in a land that was on edge of falling apart."
Minho sniffs once again, seeming to try to get himself together, and then he smiles weakly.
"So, yeah, I know what it feels like. It's, like, nothing really matters, it's just you and her and the rest of the world simply doesn't exist when you're not with her. Am I right?" he asks.
Newt nods. Minho has just perfectly described what Newt's feelings for Lauren are. Were.
Minho stands up, running a hand through his hair.
"At least Lauren didn't die for nothing," he says quietly. "She saved your life, and she helped us all by giving us hope. That's not nothing, is it?"
He doesn't wait for an answer. Minho puts his hands in his pockets and walks out of the room, leaving Newt behind.
He is stunned; why has Minho told him this?
Suddenly, an idea comes into his head.
He carefully stands up, trying not to fall, and walks towards his room to get pen and paper.
Three days later, on Lauren's funeral – which has been planned by Newt; he doesn't want her to just get thrown into a grave as if nothing has happened – Newt is standing on an improvised podium, consisting of crates and a pallet.
All of the Gladers are standing in the big, empty space in the middle of the Deadheads, in front of the podium. They are all surprisingly quiet.
Newt is looking at them from his spot.
He hasn't thought yet about what he is going to say, but he doesn't feel nervous at all. He just has to act like he is talking to Lauren. Easy.
"Okay, everyone, shut up!" Alby yells in the back of the group, though few of the Gladers are actually talking. "Shut up and listen."
He gestures at Newt, who clears his throat.
"I would like to have a speech that lasts four hours and that would make you all fall asleep," he begins, making some Builders snort, "but I didn't want to do that to you. Instead of that, I just want to make sure that you'll never forget Lauren and what she has done, because I wouldn't be standing here without her."
He clears his throat again.
"Lauren, I hope you can hear me."
His voice is quiet but strong when he starts to sing.
When she's okay
Then I'm all right
When she's awake
I'm up all night
And nothing really matters
Nothing really matters
I see her face
And in my mind
I seize the day
Whenever she's nearby
It's, like, nothing really matters
No, nothing really matters
Minho grins when he hears those lines; he surely can remember the conversation they had a couple of days ago, Newt thinks.
A few Sloppers, who are standing close to the podium, already have tears in their eyes.
She completes me
It's how she reads me
Right or wrong
It's so clear, she's all that I need
All I need, yeah
I know what it feels like
I know what it feels like
Swimming through the stars when I see her
And I don't need air 'cause I breathe her
I know what it feels like
I know what it feels like, yeah
I breathe her
Breathe her
Every time I see her, oh
Every time I see her, oh
Some Builders in the back of the group look at each other, chuckling when Newt sings the chorus.
He remembers how he had written it down, looked at it like 'hey, that sounds weird' and shrugged.
It is his song, and all of the words come right out of his heart.
When I'm lost
And need a sign
She leads the way
And I'll be fine
And nothing really matters
Nothing really matters
She completes me
It's how she reads me
Right or wrong
It's so clear, she's all that I need
All I need, yeah
Newt spots a group of Cooks crying.
Also the Baggers, who are standing at the side of the group with their arms firmly folded, are biting their lower lip.
Even the Builders and the Runners are looking uncomfortable.
Newt runs a hand through his hair before he sings the chorus again.
I know what it feels like
I know what it feels like
Swimming through the stars when I see her
And I don't need air 'cause I breathe her
I know what it feels like
I know what it feels like, yeah
I breathe her
Breathe her
Every time I see her, oh
Every time I see her, oh
Every time I see her, oh
Every time I see her, oh
Newt's voice is quiet and low when he sings the last couple of lines.
Nearly everyone has tears streaming down their faces now, and they are looking at Newt with deep, deep sadness in their eyes.
When she's okay
Then I'm all right
When she's awake
I'm up all night
And nothing really matters
Nothing really matters
It is perfectly silent for a moment.
Newt just stands there, on the podium, waiting for something he isn't sure about what it is.
Then, as if they were waiting for a sign, the Gladers start to clap.
It is a sad and careful applause, but it is real applause.
Newt can simply feel that the other boys understand him, that they know how he feels, and for the first time in three full days, he smiles.
I wanted to write this chapter a long time ago, but it was a little weird to put it in Dark Days because it's strange to have two songs right after each other, and today I thought, like: 'Okay, I'm bored but I want to write anyway', so I just wrote this chapter.
As you probably already guessed, this chapter comes at the end of Dark Days, between chapter 41 en the epilogue.