The doorbell rang, cutting through the silence fraught with excitement. James hurried to get it. Tonight, he had a date.
At the door stood a familiar young woman, a determined set to her jaw. It didn't escape James' notice, but he ignored it. He wasn't about to let anything get in the way of the evening he'd planned.
After kissing his girlfriend on the cheek, he stepped aside and allowed her into his, admittedly small, flat.
"Look, James," she sighed, rubbing her hand over the spot where he'd kissed her. "We really need to talk about something."
"Nonsense," he replied, placing a single finger on her lips to keep her quiet. "I have our whole evening planned."
"No, James-" she insisted when he pulled his finger away, but he had already waltzed into the kitchen.
"I've made spaghetti," he told her, ignoring her protest. "I don't think it's that romantic, but it's what they eat in the Lady and the Tramp. I thought, maybe, if you like, we could watch the Lady and the Tramp while we eat, then I dunno what you want to do, maybe –"
"James, just shut up," Lily snapped. "Sit down. I've got to talk to you."
James blinked, but sat at the kitchen table. "What's wrong?"
"James, I'm-" She sat opposite him and glared at the floor. "I'm pregnant," she muttered.
James gaped at Lily for a beat of silence.
"You're what?" he sputtered.
"Pregnant. I'm pregnant! You knocked me up. I've got a bun in the oven. I'm carrying a human being right now."
James sat back in his chair and ran an agitated hand through his hair. "Are you sure?"
"Yes! Of course I'm sure."
He pushed himself up form his chair and began to pace around the kitchen.
"How can you be pregnant?"
"Well, James, when a boy and a girl love each other very much…" she replied sarcastically. James didn't stop pacing.
"What are we going to do?"
"We are going to do nothing," she told him, with a note of finality in her voice. "I'm going to terminate the pregnancy."
James turned slowly to look at her. "You're going to do what?"
"Have an abortion!" she cried exasperatedly. "Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you today?"
"Don't get rid of the baby. Lily-" He sat beside her, taking her hands into his. "Don't get rid of the baby," he pleaded.
"James, we're nineteen years old. We're going to university in September. We're not nearly ready for a baby. Maybe in a few years' time, when we've both got steady jobs and a proper house and we're ready-"
"No." James shook his head. "No, I don't care. I don't care if I'm not ready for a baby. Keep it, please, Lily, we'll work something out-"
"James, no! If you want to have a child, that's fine, but don't drag me into this."
"Lily, please-"
"I am not raising a child with you."
James didn't miss a beat, her words barely registering with him.
"Fine! Then I'll raise it myself."
Lily opened her mouth to retort but paused. "You'll what?"
"I'll take the child." He tapped a frantic rhythm on his knee while he waited for her reply.
"You'll choose an unborn baby over me?" she asked incredulously.
"Give birth to the baby," he answered, his voice trembling under the full weight of his decision. He ignored the logic that screamed at him and spoke without truly thinking through his words. "Give the baby to me, and you'll never have to see either of us again."
"What, you just expect me to carry a baby around for nine months when I have no intention to ever see it again? To put my life on hold for three quarters of a year for two people I don't even care about?"
James bit his lip at her harsh words, but nodded defiantly. "Please."
"Fine," she said heavily.
James blinked. "Fine?"
"Fine. I'll find another boyfriend, James, and I'll have another baby, later on, when I'm ready," she explained. "It's not much loss, is it?"
"We – I mean – " James stammered.
"I know you've always had this ridiculous notion that we'll be together forever," she interrupted coolly. "But life doesn't really work out like that, does it?"
"I guess not," he mumbled under her cold gaze.
Lily stood up calmly, smoothed down her clothes and sauntered to the door. Just before she left, she turned her head. "Are you sure, Potter? It's not too late to choose me."
James wouldn't look at her. The door slammed.
"Wait, what was your granddad called again?"
James heaved a sigh. The day before, he had received a text from Marlene – Lily's closest friend – telling him that Lily had been to the doctor's and that she was going to have a boy. James could still feel the heavy ache in his heart from that single text. It should have been him going to the hospital with Lily, not one of her weird friends. He should have been the one to wake up in the early hours to satisfy his girlfriend's cravings for curry. He should be spending hours discussing and planning with Lily, and more than anything, it should have been Lily who was sitting on the sofa at that moment, trying to come up with a name for the baby.
"Sebastian on my father's side, and Harold on my mother's," James told his friends.
The other three Marauders were lounging around his studio flat.
"Sebastian is out of the question, obviously," Remus reasoned. Sirius nodded.
"He'll get beaten up if he's called Sebastian."
"But what about Harold?" Peter interjected. "You could call him Harry."
James squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. His friends, used to the appearance of James' nervous ticks by now, remained quiet and waited for him to gather himself. "Harry's a good name," he muttered after releasing the breath in a whoosh of air.
"Yeah?" Peter asked hopefully. James nodded.
"Yeah."
"Cool," Sirius clapped his hands together. "Harry it is. Now, what are we going to do about assembling that cot?" All four of them glanced warily at the pile of wood sitting in the corner of the room.
"Come on," Remus sighed regretfully, pulling himself off the sofa. "Let's baby proof this flat."
James was grateful for all his friends' help, he really was, but there was a heaviness he carried around with him all the time. He knew it was heartbreak from losing Lily, but he wasn't sure what to do about it when he was meant to be preparing enthusiastically for the arrival of his baby. On several occasions, late at night when there was no one to keep him company, James picked up the phone and began to dial Lily's number. He would convince himself that he was only calling to see how things were going. She was, after all, carrying his son, but there was always a niggling thought in the back of his mind saying if she wanted him to be a part of her life, she would call him. He was never brave enough to finish dialling the number.
[30th July 22:31] Lily's gone into labour.
James paced the floor of the hospital and ran his hand over his face repeatedly. Remus was slumped over in cold hospital chair, resisting the urge to tell James to sit the fuck down because he was making him dizzy. Sirius wasn't answering his phone and Peter was visiting his parents, so the duty to keep an eye on James and to make sure he and his son got him safely fell to Remus.
"Why the hell won't they let me into the room?" James asked for the fifth time. "He's my fucking son."
"Lily didn't want you in there. She asked for Marlene," Remus explained, trying to keep a lid on his exasperation. "James, please try and sit down. We've only been here for two hours. It's one o'clock in the morning. Let's get some food, OK?"
Usually, to hear that Lily didn't want to see him would have felt like a punch in the gut, but James was so tightly wound up that he didn't even consider it. Adrenaline and anxiety pounded through his veins as all the doubts he'd been having over the previous nine months – am I really not ready for this? Will I regret taking in this tiny human? What if I can't do it? What if I'm not a good enough father? – came to him at once, and all he could do was allow the thoughts to crash over him endlessly. He barely heard Remus' request.
"James!" Marlene cried, clattering through the corridor in too many necklaces and dainty black boots. "She's had the baby! The baby's arrived!"
James was off like a shot, gone before Remus could even stand up. When he entered the hospital room, he halted sharply. Before him, an exhausted and haggard Lily Evans was trying to convince a portly nurse that she didn't want to hold her child. Remus appeared behind James and gave him a gentle shove. James stumbled forward and held his arms out to hold his baby.
The tiny wailing baby looked so fragile, so breakable in James' arms that the full force of his situation hit him like a blow to the gut. He drew in a sharp breath as he realised that he, James Potter, prankster extraordinaire, master of Mario Kart, a silly nineteen-year-old boy, was responsible for this life. Despite this he didn't feel any regret. There was nothing telling him that he was making a mistake. At that moment, he was filled with the purest sort of joy.
"Look, Lils," he whispered without looking up from his son. "Look what we've made."
"Get out of here, Potter," Lily groaned. "And take that with you."
James' head shot up at the harsh words but before he could react, Remus' hand was on his shoulder, guiding him out of the room gently. James' grip on his baby tightened.
Several hours later, after the hospital had checked over Harry several times and Remus had promised to be round in the morning with Sirius and to make sure everything was OK, James was standing in the middle of his flat, holding his sleeping son in his arms. He hummed softly and kissed Harry's forehead, illuminated only by the soft light of his lamp.
"We're gonna be alright, me and you are," he said softly. "We'll be OK."
"Aw, he's such a cute little boy!" Betty Potter cooed.
James had agreed to take little Harry, who was now three weeks old, to meet his grandparents. James loved his parents, but they could be overbearing at times, which was why he had dragged Sirius along with him. The two young men were now sitting next to each other on a sofa in the Potter's pristine living, while James watched his mother play with his son anxiously.
"We're so proud of you, you know, Jamie," she told him, a touch of sincerity seeping through her tone. James winced at the nickname.
"Proud of him?" Sirius grinned. "For knocking up his girlfriend at nineteen years old?"
"No," Betty sighed, glaring at Sirius. "For choosing to take care of his son all by himself. You're gonna be a great dad, you know, James." James' father grunted in agreement.
Instinctively, James cleared his throat, expecting Sirius to dissolve into giggles. Instead, a steady hand landed on his knee. James raised his eyebrow at Sirius, who smirked at him. "You'll be brilliant."
James rolled his eyes and pushed Sirius' hand off his knee. "Shove off, you soppy wanker."
"Well, that's a bit rude."
"Now, now, boys," Michael Potter reprimanded gruffly. "Play nice."
James reached out to take Harry from his mother, who gurgled appreciatively. Just as his son was settled in his arms, gazing up into his dad's face, James' phone started to jingle.
"Fuck," he muttered as he checked it, feeling his face heat up. "I'd better take this."
Sirius exchanged inquisitive looks with his honorary parents as James left the room, Harry still cradled in his arms.
"Did he just say, 'Hi, Lily'?"
When James returned, deflated after his draining and ultimately fruitless conversation with his ex girlfriend, he was met with concerned looks from his family. He slid into his seat beside Sirius and looked at each of them in turn. "What?" he asked when no one said anything, rocking Harry when he began to squirm.
"James," his mother began gently. "Who were you on the phone to?"
"No one," James answered quickly. His grip tightened on Harry.
"James, mate, were you talking to Lily?" Sirius asked cautiously.
"So what if I was?" James retorted defensively.
"We just-" Sirius continued, shooting a wary glance at Mrs Potter. "We don't think she's good for you and Harry."
"Oh yeah? And what do you know?" James asked, his voice rising and his shoulders tensing.
"Really, James-" his flustered mother began.
"No, honestly, what do you know about taking care of a baby all by yourself?" James cut in. "What do you know about the panic that your child needs a mother? What do you know?"
"Yeah, but is that really the reason you're talking to Evans? Come on, Harry's got a huge family who cares about him. He doesn't need some awful girl who abandoned him at the cradle!"
"She didn't abandon him, it was my decision to take him on, and anyway, you've never liked Lily, so why should I listen to what you've got to say?"
"Because like it or not, Sirius is part of this family, and by extension, part of Harry's family," Michael Potter interrupted. James was silent. It was a rare occasion indeed when someone argued with Michael Potter. "We all know that you still love Lily, and while we have the greatest sympathy for you, we're going to have to ask you not to try and contact her again. For Harry's sake."
"For Harry's sake!" James repeated. "How do you know what's best for-"
"You're still a boy, James. We're forbidding you from talking to this girl, for your own good."
James scowled at stood up, still holding Harry, who was beginning to cry at the raised voices. "Fuck you," James spat, and stormed to his bedroom as if he was still a stroppy teenager. The stroppy teenager with a wailing baby his parents saw him as.
"Shh, Harry, come on," James soothed, rocking him gently and strolling up and down his room, but Harry's cries wouldn't let up. James' throat constricted. His eyes stung with tears.
He didn't suppose he had much of a choice as far as Lily was concerned. He couldn't risk alienating his family for a girl who didn't want to be near him or his son. Yet, the thought of never seeing Lily again made James' heart clench painfully. How could he possibly move on from the whirlwind of a person who had invaded his life from more than two years? Falling out of love with her was unfathomable.
James placed his tiny baby down on his bed and lay on his side, watching Harry's chest move as he breathed heavily. Harry had stopped crying sometime when James had stopped moving, lost in his haze of thoughts. It was oddly soothing to watch his son breathe, to be reminded that this fragile responsibility was alive. The Star Wars poster on the wall behind Harry was a stark reminder that James was, as his father had put it, only a boy.
"Oh God, Harry," James muttered. "What're we going to do?"
A/N: I'd like to make two things clear; I in no way condemn abortions, and this is not at all how I picture Lily. I love her to bits, but for the sake of the QL assignment, she had to be dark. Other than that, I apologise profusely.