Hi there! This is my first fanfic; I meant to write it while we wait for the confirmation of Lexa for Season 3, now I'm going to keep writing it because I'm done with the show 8D.

I will write it mainly from Lexa's POV, but I will change sometimes to Clarke's and maybe other characters.

It starts following the end of 2x15 but all that happened in 2x16 didn't change so Clarke and Bellamy eliminated Mount Weather and she left Camp Jaha.

English is not my first language, so feel free to comment any mistakes to help me improve :)

(You are also free to comment about the story)

Why? Why was I feeling again all these emotions? I had pledged not to let feelings dull my choices, my path. I had made the right choice, I had done what must have been done, and I had saved my people. Then, why did I feel like I had lost everything? It didn't make sense, the ones trapped in cages were now safe and sound, and the Mountain men promised never bother us again, I had accomplished my duty as Heda, I had saved so many souls tonight but the weight of the souls I had left behind was suffocating me.

Don't lie to yourself there is just one soul you care about.

"I do care Clarke, but I made this choice with my head and not my heart"

As I was remembering that moment, I realised it, I discovered the reason I was feeling so much sorrow; maybe I had done the right thing as Heda, but as Lexa, I had committed the worst action. I had finally found peace after Costia, I felt like someone understood me once again, like I didn't have to make all the hard decisions alone anymore. And I had destroyed all for good.

No sooner had I reached camp and entered my tent that I collided my fists with the first solid object I found. I kept hitting it until arms grabbed my shoulders and put me away from the post.

"Em Pleni Heda! (Enough, Commander!)"

"Indra... Leave me alone, now."

"I can't do that Commander, you did the right thing, we have our people back, you must not punish yourself for running away, and none of us will see you as a coward but as our saviour."

So she thought that all of this was because of our retreat, that was so bitterly funny.

As she saw me and my change of expression, she realised.

"I can't believe all of this is caused by that stupid Sky girl! I should have killed her the moment she entered our tent!"

I couldn't hold myself anymore so I shoved her arms from me and pushed her to the exit.

"Shof op Indra (Shut up, Indra!), get out of my tent!"

She gave me one last look of disapproval and went out.

I just fell to the ground and put my knees up and my arms around them covering my face as flashes of all that happened in this place invaded me. When Clarke defended Octavia's loyalty, when she told her that she cared about Gustus and was still haunted by Costia. How a person who has known me for days can read me so easily, how could she see through my walls which I have spent so long building up...? And afterwards, the kiss and how scared I was when Clarke pulled away; It wasn't planned, I didn't even think that Clarke would reciprocated the kiss, although it was just for a brief moment. But when Clarke said "not yet" a little flame of hope lit up inside me, a flame I wish I have never stoked.

I wouldn't cry, I couldn't afford to be weak, not now.

I flinched as I hold my hands and I took off my gloves, I found my knuckles injured.

I sighed as I stood up and went out of the tent searching for Nyko but something caught my attention, I saw Lincoln, loosed. He froze and glared at me, his eyes were begging me to let him go, I nodded my head and he started running. I should be doing the same thing...

I shook my head I continue my path to Nyko's tent. When I entered, I found it empty and suddenly I remembered that Nyko was helping the people we saved. I changed my direction and went to the tent where they were healing.

"Commander."

"Nyko, how are they?"

"Overall they are almost well, just tired from the blood lost and dehydration. Most important, some of them would like to go back to Polis where their families reside."

"I see, when will they be healthy enough to depart?"

"Three or four days, but Heda, the Sky People will probably break our Alliance, it is wise to leave camp?"

I noticed how Nyko wasn't blaming me but I knew he was hiding his true thoughts.

"Nyko, you must not lie to me, Ron ai ridiyo op. (Speak true)"

"Forgive me, Heda, what I meant was that we retreated and abandoned them so they will may want revenge and if you leave with some of our warrior to protect the ones going to Polis, the camp will be in danger now that most of the troops are going back to their clans too."

"Do not worry Nyko, I will see what I can do to ensure that, not only we reach Polis, but also stay safe in camp."

"Sha, Heda. (Yes, Commander)"

"Moving to another topic, can you fix my knuckles?"

Nyko looked at me, his eyes with a questioning look but no words were spoken. He nodded and took care of my hands.

As he finished, we said goodbye and I went back to my tent and lay down in my bed after I had taken off my armor. I closed my eyes but I couldn't find any sleep. Images of Clarke getting killed were the only things that plagued my mind. I needed to find somewhere to find a hint of peace so I stood up and exited my tent once more, I left camp and walked until I found the tree Anya and I used to climb when I finished my daily training. I climbed it until I reached the wood platform we built near the top and rested my back against the trunk. I always liked the views this place has and after some time I finally fell asleep.

I woke up near afternoon and decided to go back to camp, surely Indra was looking for me already.

As I expected while I was getting closer to my tent I saw Indra but I stopped dead in my tracks when the two figures accompanying her turned around. Octavia and Lincoln. In my camp. In front of my tent. Talking with Indra. Why.

My body and mind didn't react at all until I received the first kick. I felt a fist collided with the right side of my face and I walked backwards. My body, but not my mind, was ready for the next move and quickly dodged the second blow, my arms grabbed the enemy's shoulder and my knee sunk in their stomach. Then I landed over the body and my mind decided to come back when my fist almost reached its target. I blinked and found out who were my aggressor.

"Octavia?"

"You fucking bitch," She screamed while she gasped. "All of this is because of you, I'm going to end you!"

While gasping, she didn't stop struggling and I needed to use more force over her. My warriors began to approach with their swords drawn.

"Stop! Do not make another step any of you. Lincoln help me and control your partner."

"My apologies Heda."

With Lincoln's support, we stood up. As adrenaline left my body, I tasted blood and I reached my lip with my tongue to feel a cut in it. In the meantime Octavia had calmed a little. Nodding at Lincoln, he started to talk.

"We have come here looking for Clarke, after reaching Camp Jaha this morning, Clarke didn't go in with the rest of our people, but we didn't notice until Octavia began to suspect and after arguing with Bellamy, he told us that Clarke left because she couldn't stand seeing her people and reminding what she had done to save them. We left camp immediately. We thought that maybe you knew something about her location."

Fear. All that I was feeling was fear. My breath got caught in my throat. Clarke was missing in the middle of the forest, alone; she was the perfect prey. Bellamy. Bellamy let her go although he knew about the dangers of these lands. Fear turn into anger as I spoke.

"Saddle my horse and two more for Lincoln and Octavia. Indra you are in charge until my return."

I began to walk to my tent in order to pick up my equipment when a group of warriors stood in my way. I wasn't in the mood for this but what happened next, left me speechless.

"Heda, let us join your search. We owe her our freedom and it would be an honor to help her now."

I was expecting an argument, not this. Clarke had been able to gain the Trikru respect and my betrayal cut deeper in my skin.

"Very well, then it will be six horses."

We gathered everything and rode away from camp to find Clarke.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

We followed the track which probably was Clarke's when all of a sudden, we heard howls and then a shot. We rode faster until we reached a forest clearing and we found Clarke being attacked by a wolf pack.

"Attack them!"

As I shouted, most of the wolves left Clarke and started running toward us but Clarke run away in other direction followed by three beasts.

"Distract them while I go after Clarke!"

I rode until I caught up with Clarke, I was about to shout her name when a wolf collided against my horse sending me to the ground.

I stood up quickly enough to dodge the wolf, I unsheathed my blade and sunk it in its chest. Wasting no time I followed another shot. I saw Clarke bringing down another wolf. The one remaining appeared behind her jumping into her.

"Clarke to the ground, now!"

Clarke reacted just in time to avoid its claws and I swung my arm cutting deep into the wolf's body. I reached for it and ended its life. Just as I turned panting to see if Clarke was safe, I faced a gun pointed at me and two blue orbs which do not reflect the wide sky anymore but broken ice piercing my soul.

"I trusted you, I made hard choices just because I believed in you, because I really thought that we deserved better, that we would save our people together."

Tears started travelling down her face, showing all the grief she had been carrying for too long as she kept talking.

"All you had to do was stay, I let you in because I thought you had changed, that you were no longer a heartless person the moment you said you did trust me. I trusted my heart like only fools do and I ended up losing my humanity causing a genocide!

"Clarke I don't know what happened but I needed to act like a leader. As I said the duty to my people will always come first. And I know that this will never be enough but I am sorry for everything. However you must understand what I did because we are both leaders and as leaders we must not hesitate when our people's lives are in danger."

Clarke let a bitter laugh escape her lips, a hollow laugh meant only for people who no longer care about anything. And I was the reason why one of the shiniest stars which had reached this land had died. With mocked tone she answered me.

"Then I am going to act like the leader I am supposed to be once more, and I do care Commander, and I hope you understand that I am making this choice with my head and not my heart. Jus drein jus daun. (Blood must have blood)"

I wasn't aware when the bullet reached my chest nor when I fell to the ground and lost consciousness.

Hope you liked it and don't hate me too much :3

Italics are meant for thoughts.

Italics between " " are meant for flashbacks.

Italics between ( ) are meant for translation from Trigedasleng.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- is used to indicate that a considerable amount of time has passed between one scene and the next one.