Hey peeps! Uh, just a brief introduction to this fic!
It's about Hitsugaya Toshirou, obviously, and it's a kind of… parody of him. Please don't take offense if you don't like my portrayal of him; I am very fond of Hitsugaya Toshirou (because he's short, thus he's cool). On that note, since this is the first time I'm writing about him specifically, I have decided to make it a short fic to see how people like it. So, please review to tell me how you felt I did!
Oh, and despite the starting, this fic is not yaoi.
I don't own Bleach or wikipedia (lots of the info in here is from wiki).
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Misunderstood 2
One bright and cheery morning, Hitsugaya Toshirou had woken up to the conclusion that he was gay.
This, he decided as he stood in front of a mirror brushing his teeth, was the only logical conclusion he could think of after observing his own behaviour over a trial period of a month.
Just a month back, Hitsugaya Toshirou had, in a sudden flash of epiphany during a particularly severe bout of depression brought about by his lack of vertical advancement, decided that practical action was needed to further his growth. That was a fine and rather brilliant idea, he had thought. Unfortunately, he lacked the knowledge of exactly how he should further advance his rather insignificant height. His previous experiments with copious amount of watermelon consumption had amounted to naught. His other experiments with racks, steel chains, leather bindings, and one particularly memorable experiment with Yachiru, Yumichika, Ikkaku and a lot of heaving and ho-ing, had left him with nothing but aches and the distinct impression that he had just lost all the dignity he possessed.
Hence, with all the rationality that his extremely rational mind could produce, Hitsugaya Toshirou had decided that before he could do anything practical about his distinct lack of vertical advantage, he would have to gather further intelligence. That, he had then decided, could be accomplished by the observation of others of great perpendicular length. These observations, gathered with his very observant eyes, could then be contrasted to his own behaviour. Changes in his lifestyle could then be advocated to finally allow him to reach full vertical advantage.
The next problem would logically be which subjects to choose for observation. This was quickly solved by a quick glance over the captains during a conveniently timed emergency captain's meeting.
Zaraki Kenpachi was the absolute logic choice.
After all, if you're going to set a goal, you might as well aim high.
Thus, the daily observation of Zaraki Kenpachi started, with Hitsugaya Toshirou following Zaraki Kenpachi around as much as his duties would allow him to. In brief, Hitsugaya Toshirou noted four distinct differences between him and Zaraki Kenpachi.
One, Zaraki Kenpachi fought a lot.
That made perfect sense to Hitsugaya Toshirou. Physical exercise was important in maintaining a healthy weight, building and maintaining bone density, increasing muscle strength and joint mobility, and strengthening the immune system – or so Yoshi Toshi, the great Soul Society physician had written in his Book of Perfect Health. Thus, following the excellent example set by Zaraki Kenpachi, Hitsugaya Toshirou picked fights with random subordinates as much as possible. While he wasn't so sure about the benefits to his height, it did give him a certain amount of devious satisfaction in punishing certain lazy subordinates,
The second difference was that Zaraki Kenpachi drank alcoholic beverages a lot.
That did not make sense to Hitsugaya Toshirou. According to the great Soul Society physician Yoshi Toshi, alcohol addiction can lead to malnutrition because it can alter the digestion and metabolism of most nutrients. It can also lead to osteoporosis and bone fractures due to vitamin D deficiency (Vitamin D helps in calcium absorption). Yoshi Toshi, Hitsugaya Toshirou decided upon observing Zaraki Kenpachi's massive height, was a liar.
Two weeks of alcoholic bingeing led to nothing more than the feeling that he had definitely lost all his dignity, and the nagging suspicion that he had lost his virginity somewhere along the road.
The third difference was that Zaraki Kenpachi carried a little pink furry girl on his back all the time.
That posed a sort of problem to Hitsugaya Toshirou since going up to Zaraki Kenpachi and saying, "Lend Yachiru to me. I want to carry her" did not work very well and indeed led to a huge fight (which was good because Hitsugaya Toshirou got a good work-out out of that). A compromise was made when Hitsugaya Toshirou created a "Yachiru" doll with the exact same weight, height and physical appearance as the real Yachiru. He only carried it around for one day.
The certainty that he had lost his dignity had made him abandon this plot.
The fourth difference was that Zaraki Kenpachi (and every tall man he knew) stared at Matsumoto's breasts a lot.
That posed no problem at all to Hitsugaya Toshirou. Matsumoto Rangiku was his vice-captain, thus they worked in the same office, which made staring at her breasts easy. Thus, for a whole week, Hitsugaya Toshirou conscientiously spent at least two hours a day staring at his vice-captain's breasts (not two hours straight of course; that would be too obvious).
However, nothing seemed to come out of his incessant staring other then strange looks directed back at him by said Matsumoto Rangiku.
Intense thinking followed that during which he reached the conclusion that it must be because he is gay that staring at Matsumoto Rangiku's badge of feminine sexuality had not led to a sudden growth spurt.
The revelation of his homosexuality did not disturb Hitsugaya Toshirou as much as some people would think. After all, he reasoned, being gay was the same as being straight if you didn't have a lover, and since he didn't have a lover, his homosexuality made absolutely no change in his life. The only thing he regretted was that his homosexuality seemed to be an insurmountable obstacle in his drive for vertical achievement.
After all, since he was obviously homosexual, Hitsugaya Toshirou had decided to experiment with staring at man-breasts instead. Two days spent staring at Zaraki Kenpachi's chest was enough to start another fight (which was still good since it gave Hitsugaya Toshirou another good work-out), but did not seem to have contributed much to his growth spurt.
It would seem then, Hitsugaya Toshirou had mused while getting his dislocated knee reset in the Fourth Division barracks, that staring at man-breasts did not amount to much of a growth spurt. If he had been thinking rationally, he realised, he would have seen it earlier. After all, the only people he knew who really stared at man-breasts were Soi Fong, Matsumoto and Nemu (conceivably Unohana Retsu did too, but no one has ever caught her at it so far), and these were obviously people of no distinct merit in vertical advancement.
Nonetheless, it was now obvious that staring at breasts (male or female) did not work for homosexuals, and his homosexuality was now a major handicap in a being as rational and practical as he was.
Therefore, it was with a wistful tinge of regret that Hitsugaya Toshirou entered his office that day, prepared to endure another day of being perpendicularly stunted.
"Good morning Taichou!"
"Good morning, Matsumoto." Hitsugaya Toshirou blinked. "You're early."
Matsumoto Rangiku grinned happily. "I feel asleep here," she said cheerfully. "That's why I'm early! Isn't this a great way to make sure I'm never late for work?"
Hitsugaya Toshirou rationally declined to comment on her irrational statement, as he feared it would stunt his brain as well as his height. Instead, he decided on the practical course of things, and settled at his desk to start his work.
Yet, his height nagged at him. Would he never be able to look Zaraki Kenpachi in the eye without straining his neck? Will he forever be crushed by Matsumoto Rangiku's natural bounty every time she hugged him because he was too short to avoid being suffocated? Would he never be tall?
"Taichou? What's the matter? You've hardly made a dent in your large stack of paperwork!" Matsumoto exclaimed, interrupting his daydreams.
"Nothing, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya Toshirou replied solemnly, printing his name on a particularly long document without reading it. "Just thinking."
"Oh… not good that. Thinking too much diverts all the nutrients you take in to your brain. That's why Taichou's so short. You need to think less in order to grow more."
That gave Hitsugaya Toshirou a start. However, he mused, his insubordinate subordinate did have a point. Thinking took up plenty of energy, and in order to use the brain, surely much of the nutrients he took in were diverted to said organ in order for it to function at maximum capacity. That would, by logical deduction, deprive other parts of his body of the nutrients it needed to grow.
With another start, Hitsugaya Toshirou strived to keep his mind as blank as possible, and tried to divert as much nutrients as he could to his knees via sheer force of will.
"Taichou?"
"…"
"Taichou?"
"…"
"Tai…"
"What?"
"Why are you meditating during office hours?"
"I'm not… I'm just resting."
"Taichou…"
"What?"
"You just got here. How could you be tired already?"
"Speak for yourself."
Matsumoto Rangiku shrugged and sat back in her chair comfortably. "I never do," she said cheerfully. "Others speak for me."
Hitsugaya Toshirou grunted and tried to think of his knees, elbows and spinal cord. When he closed his eyes, it seemed he could feel his arms and legs extending. When he opened his eyes though, he could see that it was not the case.
"But then," he said slowly, a sudden thought striking him. "Aizen's pretty tall, isn't he? And he's still pretty darn smart."
"True."
"So thinking does not reduce nutrients… oh whatever!" Hitsugaya Toshirou glared at his subordinate and cursed his stupidity in believing her irrational comment.
"Aw, did Taichou really believe me when I said that? How cute!"
With a deep sigh, Hitsugaya Toshirou stood up.
"I'm going out for a walk M…" he paused, staring at God's natural bounty. Something was different about them today.
"Taichou?"
"Huh? What?"
"Taichou!" Matsumoto Rangiku crowed. "You're blushing!"
With a start, Hitsugaya Toshirou touched a hand to his hot cheeks. "I am!" he exclaimed, shocked. "What is going on?"
"And Taichou?" Matsumoto Rangiku went on in a curious voice. "Have you grown?"
"I have?" Hitsugaya Toshirou exclaimed, frantically beating down hope in case it was false. "I have? Seriously?"
"Yes!" Matsumoto cried. "Look! Your hakama is about an inch too short! Taichou, you've grown!"
"But I couldn't have!" Hitsugaya Toshirou cried. "I'm gay!"
"…"
"…"
"What?"
"I'm gay," Hitsugaya Toshirou said matter-of-factly, and continued on to outline the details of his past month.
Matsumoto Rangiku nodded sagely. "I see," she said. "That explains that funny doll you were carrying about a couple of days back."
"Yes."
"Quite a likeness to Yachiru I thought then."
"It was a doll of Yachiru, yes."
"Everyone thought you had a crush on Yachiru or something, so you carried her likeness around. Nemu thought it was cute. Soi Fong taichou nominated you for Mr January in the Shinigami Women's Association's nude calender for next year."
"Oh, thanks… what? Nude?"
"Yup," Matsumoto Rangiku said happily. "We're trying to figure out if it would constitute as child pornography to put your photo on the calendar."
"Child?" Hitsugaya Toshirou snapped. "I'm no child! I'm…"
"And the breast-staring was different today?" Matsumoto Rangiku commented.
"Yes," Hitsugaya Toshirou said slowly. "I felt the distinct stirring of regions unfamiliar to my extremely rational mind."
"Oh Taichou!" Matsumoto Rangiku cried, laughing gleefully. "You're not gay!"
"I gathered as much since I have obviously grown," Hitsugaya Toshirou agreed, rolling up the measuring tape he had used to gauge his growth. "It seems Zaraki Kenpachi's techniques do work after all. I shall have to go bingeing again tonight."
"No, that's not it, Taichou. This has nothing to do with Zaraki Kenpachi or your lack of homosexual tendencies."
"It doesn't? Then what does it have to do with?"
"Well… maybe…"
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"Hinamori!"
"Ah, Shiro-chan!"
"I'm not Shiro-chan! I'm… never mind! Listen to me! From now on, you must avoid me at all costs!"
"Why, Shiro-chan? Are you sick?"
"No! I'm fertile!"
"… What?"
"I'm fertile! So you have to avoid me to avoid becoming pregnant!"
"Shiro-chan, I don't…"
"Oh! And avoid tadpoles! Especially those kind that like to crawl back into their eggs."
"… Shiro-chan, this is just a guess, but what has Matsumoto-san been telling you?"
"Everything about puberty."
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Well, I hope you enjoyed that! Please remember to leave a review!