"Light Kawaii Yagami, get over here this instant!" yelled Light's mom in front of their burning house. She stood shaking beside her husband, whose face had been half melted off by the fire. In his hand was a glass, which he used to catch his liquefied face and stop it from staining his new trendy outfit. Every now and then when he thought nobody was looking, he took a sip from the glass. Light was always looking, though; he'd been staring down at his parents from his bedroom window the entire time. Nobody knew where Sayu was, but nobody really cared anyway.
"Oh my God, mom. I already told you I need one more second. Don't be such a bitch about it," called Light from the window. Smoke billowed out behind him, and the flames crept closer and closer to him with each second, spreading quickly across the carpet. Light sighed and flung himself onto his flaming bed. "Ryuk, go get me a glass of water. It's getting really hot in here."
"Light, I want to remind you again that I'm not picking a side or anything, but you're going to burn to death if you stay here. Just saying." Ryuk fidgeted in the last corner of the room which hadn't been consumed by flame.
"Ryuk, I don't pay you to sit around and bitch at me. You're not my mom. Jesus Christ, do I have to do everything myself around here?"
"Li—"
"Light this, Light that. No, you know what? It's fine. I'll get my own damn glass of water, you useless Q-tip." Light got up and ran downstairs really fast. "Shit!"
"What?" shouted Ryuk from upstairs.
"We're out of glasses! Dad, you little bitch!" Ryuk couldn't see him, but he guessed Light was now on his was outside. He left the house through the back door to watch what was about to go down.
"Son, we're so glad you're alive!" both of his parents said at the same time, which is a lot creepier in real life than you would think. They tried to hug him, but his body was hot like molten lava. "Son, you're so hot," said Light's mother.
"Shut up, mom. Dad, give me that glass." Light put on his grown-up face.
"Sure thing, son!" Light's dad responded cheerfully. He handed the glass with his face in it over to Light. Light took it forcefully and squinted at the strange, thick, slightly odorous liquid inside. Then he squinted at his father.
"The fuck is this shit?"
"That's my face, son. You can have it if you want." Light's dad smiled again, showing off his distinct lack of lips and eyelids.
"Dad, that's fuckin' gross." He promptly turned the glass upside-down and grinned as the flesh splashed onto the grass. Then he went back inside the burning house and came back with the glass full of water. "Mmmm," he said, taking a sip. "I can still taste the face."
Light's parents shifted anxiously. They looked at each other. Light's mom cringed.
"Son," began his mother. "We don't mean to pry…" she trailed off. Light's dad nudged her, telling her to keep going. "But we would like to know why you burned the house down. I mean, you're a responsible boy and we know you had an excellent reason, but would you be kind enough to give us closure?" Light paused, finishing his glass of facewater. He stood facing them for a really long time. Then he smirked.
"Closure?" he asked in a poor orphan boy voice. "You want some closure?" Light's parents nodded furiously. Light's dad broke his neck.
"Shit," he said under his breath, but didn't move because he was paralyzed.
"Dad, I said no swearing! It fucking offends me!" Light's dad's eyes widened. Literally. He had no eyelids so his eyes literally got wider. In surprise.
"Sorry, son. I should have been more considerate of your feelings."
"Yes you should have. Oh, and about the house… yeah, so I had this trap, right? I kept the death note there and I tried to do a cool flamethrower circuit thing. Didn't really work." Light shrugged.
"What is a death note?" asked both of his parents in tandem again.
"Oh, you write somebody's name in it and they die. Pretty cool, right?"
"Yes, son," said Light's dad. "Really cool." Light smiled proudly at his parents. He put his hands on his hips and did a little dance. A pride dance. "But son, you'd better tell the police you weren't the one who burned the house down. Kira might get you!"
"Jesus Christ dad, how fucking stupid are you? I'm Kira." Light's dad might have looked shocked if he wasn't paralyzed. Instead, his eyes just got even wider. After a few seconds of silence, they got narrower again.
"You know," he said. "That actually makes a lot more sense. Son, if you had come out any earlier we still would have supported you no matter what. You didn't have to hide it from us." Light's eyes grew tearful with regret.
"I'm sorry, dad!" Light ran to hug his father, who yelled in pain before Light actually touched him. Light's mom tried to get in on the hug, but she was too awkward so ended up just hover-hugging both of them. Light's dad kept yelling.
"I love you, dad," Light said, tears streaming down his face.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" said Light's dad, and he cried too.