All the right moves
She hears him utter those four, terrifying words and her mind is running a mile a minute. Because seriously, he just friggin' proposed?
There are so many things she's thinking right now, so much stuff she's thought about for weeks, for months now if she's entirely honest, because, well, it all started so many months ago, when Meredith stayed over at their place (does it mean something she's at least mentally referring to it as "theirs" ?) and put that little piece of doubt in her head. Even if she knew back then that she knows Castle and that the reason Meredith and him have broken up hasn't been entirely his fault, she also knows that there is a little truth in her words. By now Rick knows almost everything about her and he likes to figure her out, but it seems trust and opening yourself up isn't a two-way-street with Richard Castle.
Weeks later, when he told her after so much begging on her part, about Jordan she finally thought that they were getting somewhere, that he finally started to open up some more too, but then Eric Vaughn came around and she figures that's probably the time when it all started crumbling.
Because it doesn't work. It doesn't work because there have to be two people working on a relationship and it's okay if one does a little less than the other, but... it's been a whole year by now and it seems she's done all the work alone.
She knows he has trust issues too and is obviously a little reluctant when it comes down to marriage after two failed ones, seriously, who wouldn't be, but after a year where she has done nothing but worked on herself and their relationship, she kind of expects him to do his part.
Kate remembers their second or third case together when she told him she was a one-and-done kind of girl. For her, that implies marriage has to result out of right reasons. Like figuring out that you can't live without the other one, that you'd rather die than be without him. Right reasons isn't even right. Honestly, there is only one right reason: love.
And that's why she needs to tell him no.
"Castle...I...it's..." She fumbles a little with words, not quite knowing how to put it, how to make him understand that she isn't rejecting him entirely, only for now, but his eyes are already clouding over and he gets up, fisting the ring. He's shutting down and she needs to react before there isn't anything left but two broken hearts.
Grabbing his sleeve, she looks him in the eyes, challenging him to back out. "Listen to me, Rick."
Obviously against his better judgment he looks at her, and she knows it's the use of his first name that does it. But his eyes are not quite meeting hers yet. "Why did your two marriages fail, Rick?"
Now his eyes snap to hers and he is perplexed, apparently hasn't expected her question. "What does that have to do with this?" His voice is a little rough when he speaks. "You know why. Meredith cheated and Gina and I just weren't working out."
He's right, she knows that. But she also suspects it's not the whole truth. "Let me rephrase the question: did you love them?"
Castle is still trying to figure out where she's going with this. "What? Of course I did!"
"The same way you loved Kyra?" She's getting a little impatient but she forces herself to calm down because this is important. Even though her heart is still pounding like crazy it's apparently her who needs to be the rational one.
"It's different. I was young and she was my first love and-"
"Castle, why did you marry Meredith?"
"Because Alexis was one the way and I wanted her to grow up in a solid family, not the way-"
She cuts him off again, because she needs him to understand. She needs him to see her point.
"So you basically married her because it was the right thing to do, right? Same with Gina. She was your publisher, you her golden boy and you were a great team, sold so many copies. Marrying her seemed to be a good idea, right?"
He says nothing, starring at her wide-eyed.
Kate sighs. "Do you see where I'm coming from, Castle? I'm the one-and-done type and when I'm gonna get married it's because I'm so in love with you I don't want to live without you. This should be out of love."
"I love you!", he says fiercely.
She smiles a little at that, even if it's weak. "I know you do. But if it wasn't for me leaving you wouldn't have proposed. Hell, you wouldn't even have that ring yet. Weeks ago you pretended not to know what I was taking about when I asked where we are going and suddenly you have that shiny little piece of jewelry? Castle, this is you just panicking because we're on the edge of losing what we have and you think you're doing the right thing, but...I just don't want to be another failure, another woman you marry for the wrong reason."
Kate finishes quietly and she still asks herself how it's possible that she's able to say all this without crying or running. Her heart is beating a mile a minute and she's moving her fingers nervously against each other, but at least she's saying what she wants to.
"So what are you saying?", Castle asks, his face still stony, but at least he's finally stopped avoiding her gaze.
"I'm saying not yet, I guess. We never talked about what we want the future to be like, about kids, marriage and careers. Hell, we're not even officially living together."
"But you just agreed that you want more," he interjects, "you just-"
She's cutting him off a lot during this talk, but he still doesn't seem to understand her completely and so she figures it's a necessity.
"I know. But that doesn't mean I want everything at once. All I ever wanted was for us to be on the same page, to know in which direction we're heading."
He nods slightly, averting his eyes. His blue gaze is far away, focusing on something in the distance. "Well, how are we gonna figure that out if you're living in another city? We are not in college anymore, Kate. I want a real relationship with you, not just some weekend-romance. I'm too old for that."
She bites her lip, remembering her talk with her dad earlier. He has been right. Even though the job in DC is probably a once-in-a-lifetime-chance and she really wants it, her heart wouldn't be completely in it. Working with the FBI would entail a lot of moving, never really settling and the part of her which is Detective Kate Beckett is quite excited for all the interesting cases she'd likely work on, but the woman in her...well, she wants to settle, wants to come home to Castle after endless hours of working on a maddening case with her boys and find herself being wrapped up in those nice, save arms of his; she wants to hear small feet on the floor and a little voice calling her mommy. And she realized earlier that the only one she wants to have this future with is Castle. New York, the 12th and Castle are her home and not even an offer as amazing as this one in DC can change that.
"I'm not going. I turned the job down, just before I arrived here," she finally reveals.
Castle just stares at her, seems to be in some kind of disbelieving shock.
Kate bites her lip again, waiting anxiously for him to say something.
"You chose me," he whispers at last, his eyes glassy and it breaks her heart to see him like that. But it also makes her realize how fragile his heart is. She knows how much he loved Kyra and how deeply it hurt him to watch her leave. And even though he hasn't loved Gina and Meredith like that, it still must have pained him to see them go as well. She realizes with a start that obviously every woman he ever invested feelings in has left him and she almost made the same mistake.
She clenches one hand in her pants to stop herself from choking and touches the fist he still as curled around the ring. "It was wrong what I said to you at my place. This isn't about me. This is about us and I'm sorry I lost my priority there for a little while, because I kept just listening to my head and not my heart which would have told me how ridiculous I'm being for thinking I could live without you anymore. Because I can't. Because I love you, Rick."
Castle is silently crying by now, staring wide-eyed at her while tears keep on running down his cheeks.
"I love you, too, Kate, so very much. And I'm so sorry for making you doubt my commitment or my wish for us to build a future together. I was just so scared, Kate. So terrified of losing you and moving forward at the same time. Because obviously my track record isn't the greatest and I..." And while he keeps on rambling, his wall finally broken down, Kate can't stop herself any longer from hugging him.
And he crashes her into his chest tightly, not intending to ever let her go again.
"I can't lose you, Kate. I barely survived the breakup with Kyra, but losing you...it would destroy me, tear my heart into pieces, Kate. This is it, you realize that, don't you?"
She nods. Her eyes are watery now to, full of unshed tears and her heart is beating like crazy in her chest, ready to break through her ribcage. "I know, Rick, I know."
And she does, she really does. They are far from great right now, there is so much they need to work out, so many questions they need to answer to themselves and to each other, and the issue of trust they both obviously only have in each other regarding their lives, not matters of the heart, but at least they are finally on the same page. They both want to have more, a future together, to be committed. And that, Kate figures, still tightly wrapped up in Castle's embrace, is quite enough for now.