This fic takes place in season 20, but Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist, and Amanda is not pregnant. I've changed some of the recent plotlines around to suit the story.
Trigger warnings for discussions of physical violence.
xxxxxxxxxx
The shrill ringing of her cell phone jolts Olivia out of a deep slumber and leaves her gasping with surprise, even though she is more than used to this particular scenario after decades on the job. Her heart is pumping furiously inside her chest and she struggles to catch her breath as she fumbles around on her nightstand for the device, squinting into the darkness with sleep-blurred vision and trying to shake off the disturbing images that have just been haunting her dreams.
"Benson," she mumbles almost inaudibly after finally locating her phone amid the clutter, realizing that she hasn't even thought to glance at the name and number on the screen.
The only sound that meets her ears is a harsh, heavy breathing, and the occasional muffled whimper, like someone is desperately trying to choke back sobs and is intent on hiding the fact that they are crying.
"Hello?" Olivia says in concern, rising up on one elbow and wiping the remnants of sleep from her eyes before swinging her legs over the side of the mattress.
"Liv." The small, timid voice that speaks in return is nearly unrecognizable without the usual confident sass, and Olivia's eyebrows fly upwards in alarm.
"Amanda? What's going on? Did something happen? Are you hurt?" She is stumbling out of bed now, hastily searching for something to wear in case her detective is having an emergency and she needs to vacate the apartment right away.
"I'm cold."
"What?" Olivia halts in her rushed movements, her pajamas bottoms pooling halfway down her legs and a frown creasing her tired features. "Where are you, Amanda?"
"Outside."
"What are you doing out there?" she demands in confusion, kicking her striped pants the rest of the way off and reaching for a pair of jeans. "It's the middle of the night and it's absolutely freezing. Why don't you go back into your apartment and get warmed up while we chat?"
"I'm not outside my apartment, I'm outside yours."
Olivia's perplexity is deepening by the second as she grapples with trying to yank her clothes on while at the same time keeping her cell phone tucked between her neck and ear so she can continue to talk as she gets dressed. "What are you doing here, honey?" Her voice softens and the term of endearment slips out before she can stop it, extremely worried about Amanda's uncharacteristic behavior, as the other woman has never just randomly shown up at her place in the wee hours of the morning.
"I don't know." Amanda's broken response sounds just as confused as Olivia herself feels, and she hurries from the bedroom to throw on her winter coat and shove her feet into a pair of boots. "I just...I just needed someone...I can go home, though, Liv, it's okay. I shouldn't have bothered you."
"No, Amanda, just stay right there!" Olivia orders sharply before softening her tone once again, not wanting to scare Amanda away and needing to know exactly what is going on with her subordinate. "I'll be out in a minute. Just hold on, okay?"
"Okay," the blonde detective murmurs with a sniffle and a sigh after a moment's pause that has Olivia convinced Amanda is going to flee and she won't find her anywhere in sight when she gets outside, deciding to take the stairs to make her journey outdoors a bit quicker, instead of waiting for the elevator.
Her relief is palpable when she reaches the lobby and spots a rumpled head of golden hair through the scratched glass of the windows, pushing open the door and instantly greeted with a chilly gust of wind that has her own hair flying around her face. Amanda is crouched on the curb in front of the building and huddled into herself as she smokes a cigarette, the grey vapor rising into the air and whirling in tiny tornadoes of acrid stench as it mixes in with the fresh, cold breeze of the night.
"Hey," Olivia calls quietly, her heart clenching when Amanda turns to look at her and she can see the bloodshot quality of her eyes even from this distance, the small figure noticeably shivering as she continues to hunch there and makes no move to get up.
She strides with purposeful steps to Amanda's slumped position, frowning as she takes in the bluish color of her lips and the redness of cheeks that are normally pale, bending down so she is at eye level with the younger woman. "I'm glad you didn't leave. Do you want to come inside with me and get warmed up?"
Amanda is gazing off into the distance now, as if in a daze, and doesn't meet Olivia's eyes, taking puff after puff from the cigarette until Olivia finally puts a gentle hand on her arm to stop the motion and the smoke wafts around both of them in a noxious cloud. She wrinkles her nose with distaste at the strong smell and waves a hand through the air to get rid of it, watching as the cigarette slips through Amanda's limp fingers and is crushed into the frozen ground under the heel of her boot.
"Come on, honey," she coaxes in a soft voice, still holding onto Amanda's arm and feeling the violent shudders beneath her touch. "Let's go inside, okay? You're going to freeze to death out here."
Amanda finally gives a nearly imperceptible nod and Olivia tightens her hold around the shaking form, intent on helping Amanda to her feet and guiding her into the building when it looks as if the other woman's legs are barely able to support her and she is in danger of collapsing. The small blonde is leaning heavily into her body as they make their way indoors, and Olivia wonders if she has been drinking or is merely exhausted from lack of sleep, curious about what has lead to this unexpected late-night visit from a woman who is one of the most private people she has ever met.
She finds the ensuing silence unnerving as they wait for the elevator with their arms linked together so that Amanda doesn't slip and fall in her vulnerable state, trying not to demand immediate answers from the younger woman and let her explain what's going on when she is comfortable enough to talk. She helps Amanda off with her jacket when they reach her apartment and plucks a blanket from the back of the couch to wrap around her quaking frame before shrugging out of her own coat.
Olivia's heart aches as she observes Amanda standing there uncertainly in the middle of the living room, clutching the blanket around her small body with trembling fingers, and a long curtain of blonde hair hiding her face when she bows her head down to her chest. Her detective seems at a loss on what to do or say next and simply remains rooted to the spot without speaking, until Olivia walks slowly toward her with the intention of guiding her over to the couch and sitting her down on the soft cushions.
She is stunned when Amanda flinches violently at her gentle touch and blinks rapidly like someone coming out of a trance, the other woman letting out a whimper similar to the sound that Olivia had heard her emit while on the phone. She instantly takes a giant step backwards and holds her hands up in the air in a non-threatening gesture, despite wanting to close the distance between them and take Amanda into her embrace.
The detective's lower lip is wobbling like she about to burst into tears, her stance guarded as if anticipating some sort of attack, and the combination of fragility and terror is ripping Olivia's heart to shreds. She begins speaking soothingly in a very low tone of voice, not moving a muscle as she tries to get Amanda to calm down and relax; assuring her that everything is okay and she is safe here in her boss' apartment, just the two of them and no one else.
Olivia is unsure of exactly what is going on and why Amanda is behaving in such an odd, fearful manner, her mouth turning down in dismay when Amanda finally mutters under breath about how cold she is but doesn't elaborate on anything else. The blanket falls to the floor as the smaller woman's body is wracked with another round of intense shivers, her teeth chattering audibly, and Olivia hesitates before bending over to pick it up and offering it back to Amanda.
The blonde detective waves the blanket away and Olivia doesn't miss the longing glance that is thrown toward the bathroom, Amanda rubbing her hands vigorously up and down her arms in an obvious attempt to create some warmth. She doesn't know whether to suggest that Amanda take a hot shower to warm up, or advise her to sit down on the couch with the blanket and wait until the shaking of her body subsides so that she can stand up properly in the tub.
"Liv, I know this is kind of weird, but would you mind if I take a shower? I'm just so cold." Amanda doesn't raise her head when she whispers the question in a tentative tone, as if afraid that her request will be denied, and Olivia hesitates briefly before agreeing.
She cautiously leads the other woman into the bathroom, making sure to keep her distance and not get too close while showing her where the towels are and explaining that she'll have to wait a few minutes for the hot water to kick in, as she's been having some trouble with the temperature lately and has to call the landlord to fix the issue. Amanda merely nods as she listens but keeps her head down and her gaze firmly averted, Olivia biting the skin on the inside of her cheek as her concern heightens and she contemplates where to go from here.
When she is done speaking, she backs out of the bathroom and tells Amanda to let her know if she needs anything else before closing the door behind her and retreating to the living room to pace in front of the couch with quick, anxious steps. Olivia turns on the TV and flips aimlessly through the channels as she listens to the shower running, wondering if she should go into the kitchen and make a cup of tea that will be ready for Amanda to drink by the time she is done in the tub.
She considers putting on a full pot of coffee for herself, figuring there is no point in trying to go back to sleep and that she is likely up for the duration of the night, although Olivia wouldn't mind slipping back into her warm and cozy pajamas that are currently lying in a heap on her bedroom floor. Before she can do anything, however, her rambling thoughts are interrupted by a loud thump coming from the direction of the bathroom and she whirls on her heel and races toward the door in alarm.
"Amanda!" Olivia yells, trying to make sure she can be heard over the rushing of water as she knocks frantically on the door. "What was that noise? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay, I just slipped in the tub," a weak voice calls back after a short pause, Olivia frowning at the quiver of uncertainty and depth of pain in the younger woman's tone as she rests her hand on the knob of the closed door.
"Are you sure you're alright?" she replies doubtfully, immediately lowering her voice when she hears the water shut off, not at all eager to awaken her neighbors in the middle of the night. "I've fallen in the tub a couple of times myself. I know how much it can hurt. You didn't hit your head, did you?"
When there is no response, Olivia knocks impatiently again and then scratches her fingernails lightly against the grain of wood to get her detective's attention. "Amanda, can you answer me, please?"
"I already did," the other woman grumbles in return, Olivia tilting her head to the side in concern when she thinks she hears a muffled sob. "I told you I'm okay. And I didn't hit my head. Please just leave me alone, Liv."
Olivia can feel a nervous knot forming in the pit of her stomach, along with the firm belief that Amanda is not as okay as she claims to be and is possibly lying injured on the bottom of the tub, too ashamed to ask for help from her lieutenant in her vulnerable state. Her hand is still hovering over the doorknob but she is loathe to go inside without Amanda's express permission, unless she is absolutely sure that there is reason to do so. The last thing she wants to do is invade Amanda's privacy and make her feel unsafe in the place she has chosen to seek solace and sanctuary, although Olivia still has no idea what had happened that night and why Amanda had chosen to come here in her time of need.
Olivia's heart rate begins to pick up speed when she hears the distinct sound of weeping coming from the other side of the door and she squeezes her eyes shut, letting out an anguished sigh as she rests her head against the wall and tries to decide how best to proceed. Her hand jiggles the knob very lightly and she is relieved to find the door unlocked, choosing to ease it open the tiniest bit so there is a minuscule crack of air between the door and the wall.
"Amanda," she says softly, making sure her voice is calm and measured when she speaks into the small space, a trickle of steam floating out into the hallway. "I know you want to be left alone right now and the last thing I want to do is violate your privacy, but is it alright if I come in for just a minute? I think it's more than obvious that you're not okay, and I just want to help you."
Again, there is no verbal response, but Olivia makes the decision to step into the bathroom when a prolonged whimper sounds in reply, followed by ragged, panting breaths like Amanda has begun hyperventilating. She walks slowly toward the closed shower curtain, making sure to tell Amanda where she is and what she is doing, before putting a hand on the slick material and curling her fingers around it.
"Honey, are you able to come out of there?" she asks quietly, working to maintain that placid demeanor as she picks up a towel, and not let on just how worried she is about the younger woman's behavior and possible injuries. "If you don't answer me, I'm going to have to pull the curtain back, okay? I have a towel right here for you, though. I can pass it through, if you want to use it before I open the curtain."
"He hurt me," Amanda suddenly moans, her voice echoing loudly off the tiles in the enclosed area, and Olivia freezing in her motions as listens to the blonde's agonized words.
"Who?" she demands urgently, catching a glimpse of a pale, bare foot lying on the wet porcelain, and her gaze traveling up a toned calf before she can stop herself, her stomach twisting at the ugly bruise that is marring the otherwise perfect skin.
"He reminded me of my father."
"Amanda, who are you talking about, honey? How badly are you hurt?" Olivia peels the curtain back a little further and tries to hand the younger woman the towel, but Amanda makes no effort to take it from her and simply lays there on the bottom of the tub while again ceasing to respond.
Olivia decides that she can't wait any longer and gingerly eases the curtain open after announcing what she is doing, her heart breaking at the sight before her. Amanda is curled up into a tight little ball, naked and soaked, her small body peppered here and there with bluish purple bruises, and her long blonde hair plastered to her head in sopping wet waves.
"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia puts a hand to her mouth for a moment, overcome with a wave of horror at the condition of her detective and wishing she had insisted that Amanda stay on the couch instead of taking a shower, as the fall has likely made her already-existing injuries that much worse. "Come on, let's get you out of there. Can you stand up?"
Instead of answering, Amanda simply bursts into tears and covers her face with her hands, curling her knees more tightly into her chest, and causing Olivia to blink back tears of her own as she witnesses the other woman's torment. She lays the towel very gently over Amanda's quivering form and bends down next to the bathtub to rest a hand on the wild mess of drenched hair. She runs her fingers tenderly through the snarled wet strands while Amanda cries in gasping, gulping sobs, and considers climbing over the edge of tub and pulling Amanda into her lap to provide her with some extra comfort, utterly distraught at seeing her detective in such bad shape.
"Come on, honey," Olivia urges quietly, jostling Amanda's shoulder as gently as possible to rouse her from her distressed state, and taking note of how cold her skin has become again. "We need to get you out there and dried off. You're hurt and freezing and we should be getting you some medical attention."
"No!" Amanda protests instantly, lifting her tear-streaked face to lock eyes with Olivia, those big blue orbs full of pain and fear but looking more animated than they have since her arrival. "I don't need to see a doctor. It's just some scrapes and bruises; no cuts or broken bones. I'll be fine in a few days."
"Well, you're not fine right now," Olivia observes softly, gesturing to Amanda's shivering body and twisted limbs. "And you know that you need to see a doctor if you've been hurt by someone. Let me help you, Amanda. Let me take care of you. Let's get you dried off and warmed up and then you can tell me what's been going on. I want to know who did this to you." She pauses briefly and strokes her knuckles along a prominent, flushed cheekbone. "That's why you came over here, isn't it? Because you know that you can trust me, and you know I'll do whatever I can to help you and keep you safe."
She watches as Amanda's face crumples with what appears to be relief and the younger woman gives a slow nod of agreement, Olivia leaning over the edge of the tub to press a tender kiss to her forehead. They work together to pull Amanda into a sitting position, Olivia wincing in sympathy and a white hot bolt of rage slicing through her as she adjusts the younger woman's towel around her shoulders and gets an unintended peek at the smattering of darkening bruises along her breasts and stomach and the inside of her thighs.
"Sweetheart, I need you to be honest with me here," she says in a low, firm voice, making sure to look Amanda right in the eye as she speaks, and trying to choke down the dread that is rising in her throat at the notion of her detective being violated in a sexual way. "How exactly were you hurt tonight?"
Olivia sees Amanda following her gaze when she glances back down at the uncovered parts of her body in anxious concern, the other woman blushing and pulling the towel more snugly around herself. "It's not what you think," she whispers hoarsely, her shoulders hunching as if in defense. "It was consensual, Liv. He hurt me...afterwards...when I told him that I didn't want to get back together. He said I was just using him for sex and it made him angry. Funny, because that's exactly what he was doing to me when we were dating...using me for sex while he was also getting it from several other women without my knowledge. God, I shouldn't have done this. I'm such an idiot. I was stressed out and just wanted to blow off some steam, so I sent him a text even though we've been broken up for quite awhile now, and he was more than happy to stop by. But I didn't think it would turn out like this..."
"Amanda, this is not your fault," Olivia assures her vehemently, recalling how the detective had made an offhand comment several months ago about breaking up with a boyfriend, but she hadn't asked for any details and had eventually forgotten about it.
"The sex has always been a bit rough, but he's never been violent," Amanda confides in a soft tone, trailing her fingertips over the damp edge of the tub. "I made it clear that tonight was just a one-time thing, and he seemed fine with that until it was over. Then he started saying how sorry he was for cheating on me when we were dating, and how he was a different man now and wanted to make a commitment. I told him I wasn't interested and he just exploded. I was shocked. He's always had a bit of temper, but so do I, so I never really thought much of it. But he pushed me onto the bed before I had even put my clothes back on, and just started hitting me..."
Amanda trails off and drags an arm over her face, a muffled whimper emitting from her mouth as she turns her body into the corner of the tub and huddles there, making no effort to stand up or get out. "I was so stunned, I just froze. He stopped after a minute, like he realized what he was doing, and started apologizing like crazy and saying he would never do it again. All I could think about was my father doing the exact same thing to my mother...hitting her and then saying sorry and begging for forgiveness and swearing it would never happen again, but the cycle just kept repeating over and over and over."
"Oh honey, I am so sorry," Olivia whispers in a heartfelt tone, blinking back the tears that have welled up in her own eyes and her heart aching for everything that Amanda has been through. "What's his name? We're not going to let him get away with this."
"Al. Dr. Al Pollack. He's a cardiologist," Amanda mumbles almost inaudibly as she rests her head wearily against the tiles. "I don't even know where he is right now. I left him in my bedroom. The only thing I could think to do was grab my clothes and get myself out of that situation as quickly as possible; to escape my own home. And the only place I wanted to be was here. But then when I got to your building, I couldn't decide if I should call you so I spent some time smoking outside, trying to work up the nerve."
"You're always welcome here anytime, for any reason," Olivia says softly, ghosting a hand over the younger woman's trembling back. "I'm so glad you trusted me to help you, Amanda. And you did the right thing by getting yourself out of there."
"I'm a sorry excuse for a cop," Amanda sneers with a bitter twist of her lips, startling Olivia with the sudden venomous intensity of the outburst, and causing her to rear back momentarily. "I deal with the worst people on a daily basis and have been in some terrible situations over the course of my career. I know how to handle myself and I never back down from a fight, but tonight I just ran. I'm such a coward. But all I could think about was my father and how the violence was repeating itself with my ex-boyfriend..."
Olivia's tears spill over as Amanda dissolves into sobs once again and presses herself even further into the corner of the tub like she is trying to hide or disappear, the younger woman refusing to budge when Olivia grasps her gently beneath the arms and tries to lift her up and out of the soaked, slippery space. Finally, she can't take it anymore and begins climbing over the side of the bathtub, unable to handle seeing her detective in such agony, and intent on providing some physical comfort.
She pauses in her actions when Amanda looks up at her with wide eyes that are swimming with tears, suddenly sure that she has overstepped her boundaries and ready to back off right away, when the other woman offers her a shaky smile of gratitude. Olivia gives her a wobbly smile in return and settles down beside her on the cold, hard surface, ignoring the water that immediately seeps into her clothing as she takes Amanda into her arms with the utmost care, not wanting to cause her any more pain.
Amanda sags heavily against her taller body and clutches onto Olivia with a strength that surprises her, tucking her damp face into Olivia's neck as she ever so gently tightens her hold around the trembling figure. She murmurs a string of tender words into Amanda's ear as they grasp onto each other, assuring her that she is not a coward, that she is brave and strong, and that they will find Dr. Pollack and make sure justice is served.
"Thank you so much, Liv," Amanda whispers gratefully as Olivia feels her cuddle even closer, and she smiles softly again, vowing to do everything she possibly can to protect the woman in her arms.