Drabble fic in Nori's pov. His thoughts on his actions and why he chose to join the quest.
He was a failure. He knew that. His brothers knew that. Everyone knew that.
He was a failure. They would all be better off if he were dead.
He was a stain on their family honour. His brothers would be better off without him. He brought them down. Brought the suspicion of the guard and nobles on them. He caused others to sneer at them. To wonder if they will turn out the same way. Caused people to say his baby brother doesn't deserve his apprenticeship because all he'll ever amount to is a criminal. Caused them to place the blame on his elder brother for raising him wrong. Caused them to say that his youngest shouldn't be allowed to stay in the elders care. He was causing his brothers all sorts of problems.
Even when he left and was gone from home for years at a time, it didn't get any better for them. They were still tainted. They were his brothers that was all that was needed for them to be seen as inferior and untrustworthy.
It was all his fault. His failings was ruining their lives.
All because he made one mistake when he was fifty-three. If he hadn't crossed the wrong dwarf. If he hadn't thought himself old enough to drink; old enough to know what's best for himself. If only he had listened to his elder brother.
If only. If only he had not gone out that night. So many things could have been different if only he had acted differently in that one moment.
But he could not change his past and counting all the ifs would not change his present.
All he could do is try to make the future better for his brothers. It was too late for himself. There was no coming back from his many failures.
He was a failure. He had failed to protect them from his shame and dishonour but he could remove that by dying an honourable and noble death.
The King-Without-A-Mountain was leaving on a foolhardy and surely doomed quest to reclaim Erebor.
He could join the quest under contract that his past be considered erased. Regardless of how the quest goes his dishonourable past would be considered no more and his brothers would no longer be tainted by him. It was the only way to save them. To give his little brother a future. To free his elder brother of his guilt.
Even if on some infinitely impossible chance the quest succeeds he will see to it he dies in the attempt. Surely they will not make it to the mountain without one orc pack crossing their path. He could die in the fight. Die a warrior on a noble quest for his king. An honourable death.
He could not live after the quest even with his past swept clean for once a failure always a failure.
He could never not be a failure and thus death is the only way to free his brothers of him.