Hi! So, this is my first Carry On fanfic, and one of my first in general. Well, on with it! Please R&R!

Purecinnamonbun

Disclaimer: I do not own Carry On, or this song.

SIMON:

I know Baz is plotting. And if I could get out of this stupid ROOM, I'd prove it once and for all. It's unsettling, not having him near me, so I know what he's up to. It's unsettling, him not being near me. For all I know, he could be blowing Watford to pieces, killing the Mage- parading around with Agatha. I stop pacing absent-mindedly around the small space, and dragged my hand across my face.

Agatha.

A couple of days before the end of seventh year, me and Agatha had ended things. To be honest, I knew it was coming. I used to have a crush on Agatha, but it fizzled out over time. We had both decided it was best, and agreed to stay friends. But for some reason the idea of Baz and Agatha together really irked me. After six weeks of being locked up in here, I figured out why, and…. You get the gist.

Baz may be an evil, bloodsucking vampire, but Crowley, he's a dreamy evil bloodsucking vampire.

I can't even imagine what it will be like putting up with him hating me when I get out of this dump. Which I am probably never going to do.

This place is a freaking fortress.

While I was leaving the orphanage for Watford six weeks ago, I was grabbed, blindfolded, and shoved in the back of a vehicle. My wand was snatched from me. Then I was knocked unconscious, and woke up here. A room with no windows, no doors- I swear my food drops down from the ceiling. Speaking of food, I am extremely sour cherry scone depraved. And if I summon the Sword of Mages, it is effectively useless, unless I want an extra-large toothpick, or to stab myself out of boredom.

I drag myself to my feet, and resume pacing, and thinking of my unrequited love for Baz.

BAZ:

The first day of term, Snow's little sidekick Bunce marched up to me and demanded to know what I did to Simon. When I denied doing anything, she gave me a death glare, and declared

"This is not over, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch!"

My first thought was that I was irked she knew my full name.

Then I realised she said that Snow was missing.

For the first day, I kidded myself that he was just late, doing his Chosen One act. Then he'd turn up with his stupidly endearing grin, and annoyingly amazing personality and I would once again be condemned to going to school with bloody Snow, and keeping my feelings hidden from him.

But he didn't come back. The days passed, and I took to going out at night to look for him. I'd drain a few rats in the Catacombs, and then leave Watford to search for the idiot.

I couldn't find him.

I searched further, my worry and fear and love making me run across the country in my fruitless search.

I slept in the Catacombs. I couldn't sleep in Mummers House without him there. Dev and Niall took it as a victory, and kept asking me what the Old Families did to him. Wellbelove confronted me too, and when I'd coldly brushed her off, I couldn't help but think that even if I did find Simon, he'd just go running to his perfect little girlfriend. The only thoughts thrown my way would be accusations of plotting.

That pretty much brings us all the way up until now, me sitting in our deserted bedroom, casting desperate glances over at his side.

I know Bunce has spoken to the Mage, but when she came back from her encounter, she was stone-faced, and sat next to Wellbelove. The old geezer wouldn't be any help anyway. He spends all his time shut in his study. I doubt he even bothered to check that Simon had arrived at Watford.

I sit upright, and leave the room, struck with a sudden idea.

I can't take any more of this.

SIMON:

I miss Baz. And just to give you an idea of how much, I miss him more than sour cherry scones. I roll onto my back on the hard floor, and sigh. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over these feelings. If I ever confessed, he'd probably laugh at me, then kill me.

And I'm supposed to fight him.

Feelings. Ugh. It was never like this with Agatha.

Probably because I never truly loved Agatha. Not as much as Baz.

Even though he could suck all my blood out.

I study the bruises on my knuckles, suddenly tired. I got them from punching the wall when I first got here. I gave up soon. I'm starting to lose hope. In my friends, in the Mage. If none of them have found me yet, they probably aren't going to find me.

I can't even get myself out of a room.

Baz was right, I am the worst Chosen One to have ever been chosen.

And I wish more than anything that he'd come and find me.

But he wouldn't, since he hates me. And I think I hate that fact more than being locked up in here.

BAZ:

Thanks to the Mage, all the books in the library are only suitable for five year olds. I'm never going to find a spell that can find Simon in here.

I toss 'Speeding up the growth of your fruit' aside, and in a fit of anger and vampire strength, shove the towering pile of books off the table. To make matters worse, Fiona had contacted me last night, excitedly asking what I'd done with the Chosen One, eradicating any hope it might have been her.

I leave the library before the librarian comes to yell at me.

I need something that will help.

Something not in the library.

Something the Mage wouldn't want us to know about.

I glance at the Mage's study door, and grin.

Perfect.

It was easy really, to hide near the Mage's door, and stroll in when he leaves for dinner (I'm pretty sure that's the only time he leaves.) It's my mother's study anyway. I have a right to be here.

I look around his study, noting the extreme amount of dust .(would it kill him to clean up around here?)

My gaze lands on a shelf full of old books.

Bingo.

SIMON:

Looooonellly. I'm Mr loooonelly. I have noboooody.

Yeah, I've sunk THAT low.

I can't even well up enough magic to go off anymore.

I drum my feet against the wall, contemplating singing 'Do you wanna build a snowman'. I decide not to in the end. No matter how low I've sunk, I haven't hit rock bottom yet.

I sit up with a sigh, and start thinking about all the things I miss about Watford.

The uniform.

Sour cherry scones.

The Wavering Wood.

Penelope.

Baz.

It's painful to even think about.

BAZ:

After much searching ( why does the Mage have so many books on painting cars?)(he doesn't even have a car.), I finally come across the perfect book. It's a song that will help you find your loved one. The only rule is you have to be stupidly in love with them, and they have to have some sort of romantic feeling back.

I know this spell won't work. Snow could never love me. But it's worth some sort of try. It's the only spell even close to what I need.

Taking a deep breath, I start to softly sing.

"I have climbed the highest mountains

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

Only to be with you.

I have run, I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you.

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for.

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for."

When I've finished singing, I look around, waiting for something to happen. Although the main objective of this is to find Snow, if it works….. all my dreams, my hopes, my stolen glances at a boy I could never have… it could all come true.

A minute passes.

Nothing. I knew it was impossible. The Golden Boy could never love a vampire like me. It was stupid to even try. I'll find Simon another way. I will.

I turn away, my heart weighing a million tons.

Then light encases me.

SIMON:

I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. Well, I'm assuming it's the middle of the night. It's difficult to tell. But I woke up drenched in cold sweat, and screaming. I was dreaming that Baz killed me, and then ran off with Agatha into the sunset.

The sick thing is, it will probably come true.

I huddle in a small ball. I want to go back to Watford. I want to see Agatha, Penny- Baz. I love him.

I try to lie down and go back to sleep, but suddenly a voice is echoing in my head. Baz's voice. Singing. I must really be going crazy.

"I have climbed the highest mountains

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

Only to be with you.

I have run, I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you.

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for.

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for."

Before I can go into depth thinking about my mental health, there is a bright flash.

Then a heavy weight dropped on my stomach.

BAZ:

I look at Snow, about a million thoughts swirling in my head. The main ones being:

Is he okay?

He's alive!

CrowleyhelikesmeatleastalittlebitCrowleyCrowleyCrowleyCrowley-

I'm pulled from my thoughts by the way Snow is looking at me. Like he's about to attack. A sense of dread fills me.

He starts towards me, resolve forming in his eyes.

Crowley, he's going to kill me.

But then he takes me by my shirt and kisses me.

SIMON:

I don't know why I'm kissing him. He just looked so beautiful under the dim light of the room. The bigger mystery is why he's kissing back.

BAZ:

Eventually I pull back from the kiss, taking a breath.

"Why did you do that Simon?"

Simon looked abashed, and sad.

"I-I'm sorry… I'll just… go"

He got up to leave, promptly realised there was nowhere to go, and sat down about two inches away from where he was a minute ago.

"Snow, I never said I didn't like it. I just wanted to know why."

Simon flopped forward, his head landing on my chest.

I heard a muffled

"Love you"

I freeze, then pull Simon upright.

"I love you too Snow."

"You called me Simon before." He grinned, and leaned in again.

SIMON:

After an hour or so, we're laying side by side on the hard floor, me hoping that I won't wake up any time soon.

"You know," Baz said matter-of-factly "We should get out of here now"

"I don't have a wand" I remind him

He rolls his eyes.

"I'm well aware of that Snow. But I have a wand."

Oh yeah. I forgot

We sit up, and Baz raises a wand to the wall and commands;

"You're in my way!"

The wall collapses, and I grab Baz's hand as we walk through the wreckage.

It turns out I was being kept in an old warehouse. Luckily no one was there, and me and Baz walked back to Watford together, exchanging our stories and kisses the whole way there.

BAZ:

We enter Watford through the Catacombs, and I stopped quickly to drain a rat. Instead of being repulsed, Simon seemed entranced by my fangs, and I had to tell him

"No Snow, you can't touch them"

several times.

The Mage was pacing around next to our room, and stopped immediately when he saw Simon.

He was instantly questioning him with things like

"Did it work?"

"How did you get out?"

And my personal favourite

"I'd better expel that Pitch brat from the school immediately."

Simon looked confused.

"Wait, what?"

"The Pitch brat interrupted my experiment my dear boy"

The 'Pitch Brat' is standing right here.

"What?" Simon asked, his voice quavering.

I put a protective hand in his, and squeeze it.

SIMON:

The Mage walks up and down the corridor, gripping his hair.

"Under the right amount of isolation, a human being can lose the will to live. If this happened to an ordinary magician, they would lose their magic. But for you… it would pass on to me. You are a cracked vessel my dear boy. I can fix you!"

I feel like crying, but am saved from it by Baz stepping in front of me.

"By hurting him! Does losing the will to live sound fun to you! You should be locked up with everyone you imprisoned during your stupid reforms!"

I feel a wave of fresh love for Baz.

The Mage laughs.

"Unfortunately, that will never happen. I control these reforms, and you have no proof."

"Actually, they do."

Premal (Penny's older brother) steps out from the shadows.

"You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent."

The Mage was dragged off kicking and screaming about reforms.

BAZ:

I look at Simon, who looks disturbingly like he's going to be sick. I pull him into our room, and put my arms around him.

He suddenly kisses me, and deepens it by angling his face.

When we break apart, I hug him close.

"I love you Baz" He says, leaning against me

I pull him even closer.

"I know. I love you too."

Where's the Insidious Humdrum you ask? For the sake of this, let's assume he's taking a holiday in the Caribbean, and shipping these two idiots.