No excuses.
Based on my own personal experiences and feelings. Edited to fit within the Alvin and the Chipmunk universe.
Enjoy.
With Some Memories
I sat at my desk, roaming through my phone in boredom. I had already exhausted most of the things I could do on the computer in front of me and my phone seemed like my last option. Sending a goodnight text to my girlfriend, I leaned back in my chair to stare at the ceiling for a few seconds. I then looked behind me. Everyone was asleep. My two brothers across the room and our snoring father down the hallway made me sure of that. I wanted to sleep. My eyes felt heavy, my muscles were aching, and I felt the weight of my head ready to bring it down onto the desk at any moment. But still, I couldn't sleep. My mind was cruel sometimes but I suppose it'd be better if I could stop thinking about her.
I continued to scroll through my phone, cycling between FaceBook, Instagram, and Twitter, trying to find something of interest. I didn't really care what it was at this point. It was nearly 3:00 in the morning and I had been up all night just watching random videos on YouTube. It finally got to the point where I couldn't watch anymore and started to sit in silence while just looking at random things. But the silence is dreadful.
Ask anyone; the silence is when your thoughts will haunt you. I'm not talking about normal thoughts about sports, television, games, or anything like that. I mean your deep thoughts: relationships, family, friends, and your future. That kind of stuff. And it really does haunt you. Finding nothing of interest on any of the previous sites, I decided to try my triumph card: Tumblr. Although some people find it a bit sissy for a guy to have a blog, everyone has to admit; with your subscriptions and friends' reposts, Tumblr can offer hours and hours of just mindlessness activity. I signed in and saw the first post. My heart sunk and my thoughts betrayed me again as they filled my mind with memories of her.
It was early in my high school career. I had been on my way to finishing my sophomore year when my brothers and I met these three girls. Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanor. They were three freshman and fraternal twins like my brothers and I. We met them through my friend Josh who had just recently been dating this girl Nicole. Nicole had already been friends with the sisters and occasionally while Josh and I would hang out, we'd go to the sisters' house to hang out there. That's where I started to get to know Jeanette. As her and I started to hang out more, so did my brothers and her sisters. Soon, all of us would gather at the sisters' house and hang out for hours on end. Eventually, one night, I asked her for her number. She gave it to me casually but I could see the excitement in her eyes from a mile away. And I suppose that's where it all started. We spoke on a steady basis. And by that, I mean we texted back and forth constantly every day—our only breaks being while we were sleeping and while we were in school. On the last day of school, my brother Alvin and I went with the sisters to their friend Kara's house to go swimming. While we were there, my other brother Theodore came to be with Eleanor and we all just hung out. It was a long day; we spent hours in the pool, in the backyard, and in the front yard. All of the time, Jeanette and I were always together. I was all over her. And she didn't mind.
I had thought it through and it was going to be the day that I'd ask her out. I could tell she was waiting for me to. She left with Kara to go inside the house and Alvin turned to me and mocked, "Simon likes Jeanette!" The normal person's reaction in the kind of situation is to deny it out of embarrassment and I almost did, but instead, I turned back, gave a small smile and said, "Yeah, I do." Regardless, I waited for the perfect moment to do it but it never came. We were always together but never quite alone. Those few moments—just seconds long—where we were alone, shyness came the better of both of us. We were both new to this kind of thing. I'd heard that she previously had a boyfriend that never quite worked out and while I had interests in other girls throughout the years of my life, she was incredibly different. She had been the only girl to literally take my breath away. I didn't really understand it then and I still don't fully understand it now. If I had to summarize it in a few words, I'd just say love at first sight.
But just like that, the day came and went. Soon enough we were all heading home and the individual chances that I could have had ended. We kept texting that night. I mentioned that I wanted to tell her something and of course, she asked what it was. I originally thought of asking her out through a text but decided against it. I figured she'd want it done that way that a man would do it: to have me sweep her off her feet, look deeply in her eyes, and softly say that I'd be honored to call her my girlfriend. But as confident as I seem to other people, I knew it just wouldn't happen. That same night, she even asked me what we were in terms of friends or something more. I didn't really have an answer for her nor did she for me. We both knew what we wanted and we both knew it was probably what the other wanted as well, but we just couldn't say anything. And it went on like that for a few days. It wasn't until our cousin Kyle came to town that things started to really pick up.
The night that Kyle was supposed to come, Alvin had gone off with Dave to a store and Theodore had gone out somewhere with some of his friends. I was left home alone and been told to stay there and wait for Kyle to show up so he wouldn't arrive to an empty home, something Kyle's mom gets very angry about. However, while texting Jeanette and waiting for Kyle, I eventually received a text from Josh who asked if I wanted to hang out at Nicole's house. He was there with Nicole, Jeanette, Brittany, and a few of their other friends. I was initially a little hesitant because I knew I'd probably get in trouble, but my feelings got the better of me and I left for Nicole's house. Once I got there, I found them all on Nicole's trampoline and I joined them. We weren't really jumping at all, just sitting and talking. I was obviously sitting next to Jeanette and in time, I mustered up the courage to put my arm around her, an action she received with happiness as he rested her head on my shoulder. However, in enough time, I got the angry call from our father about how Kyle arrived while I was gone and how I needed to get home immediately. With that, I said my goodbyes and left. That night, my brothers, Kyle, and I stayed up late playing video games. Hours after Jeanette and I had texted each other goodnight, I sent her a text asking her if she'd be willing to become my girlfriend. The next morning, my eyes shot open to see her reply: yes.
Things stayed basically the same after that. We still spoke the same amount, tried to see each other when we could, and nothing really progressed. In about two weeks, I had to return to camp for a week for my science class—something I'd normally be excited for if not for Jeanette. But I went, obviously. The day before I left, I went to the sisters' house to see Jeanette once more. I told her that I didn't really want to go but she made me promise to at least try to have fun. Well, the week went by quickly at some points and very slowly at other points. A lot more happened in that week than I had ever expected. Alvin and Brittany's relationship started and lit up in a blink of an eye and Josh and Nicole had broken up. Regardless, one of my last days at camp, we traveled into the nearby to let everybody shop for any souvenirs that we desired. I wasn't really looking for souvenirs; I was more looking for a present for Jeanette, of course. Finally, I saw it. It was beautiful white-gold necklace pendant with blue accents—Jeanette's favorite color, and overall shaped like a dolphin—Jeanette's favorite animal. It was pricey, but I spent every dime I had on it and an equally nice chain. I wrapped both in a jewelry box and waited to get back to town to give it to her. By the time I got back, it was too late to walk over there but we texted each other all night and were both happy for me to back. The next day, Josh invited me over to hang out and since the sisters' house was on the way to Josh's, I stopped there to give Jeanette. Needless to say, she loved it. We exchanged a big hug and I left to go to Josh's while texting Jeanette the entire day, of course.
Weeks went by like that. Our relationship was healthy but at a standstill. I knew we hadn't had our first kiss yet, but with our one-month anniversary just passing, I knew it was time to take things a step further. That step happened on an unexpected day. The day started off normally enough until an argument between Brittany and Jeanette surfaced. My brothers, the sisters, and I had planned to spend the day together but now Brittany and Jeanette weren't talking and Jeanette wouldn't leave the house—not even for me. After about an hour of trying to persuade her to come out, we gave up. About an hour or so later, I texted Jeanette that I wanted to talk and for her to meet me on the stairs in front of her house and when I arrived at her house, there she was, looking at down and sitting on one of the steps. I sat next her and didn't really say anything. Brittany had texted me before and told me that Jeanette had thought that I was going to break up with her so one of the first things I said was denying that thought of hers. I tried to explain to her that we all care about her and didn't want to do anything without her there. We spoke for a while and she apologized and we hugged. Later that night, we all hung out in the sisters' backyard. Before we all went our separate ways, I pulled Jeanette to the side and I intended to make the move to share our first kiss. I could tell that my initial asking whether or not she was glad that I convinced her to come outside and if she had fun disappointed her a bit, so without a second thought, I leaned in to give my first awkward kiss of my life while she smiled and received it. Afterwards, we said goodbye one last time and just like that: I felt like the king of the world.
But not everything could stay perfect. Again weeks passed like normal. Our kisses got less awkward and more casual like you'd assume they would, and with school starting again, our time together became less and less. Eventually, however, a silver lining popped its head through: our school's first football game of the year. It was undoubtedly exciting and it happened to fall on the same day that was the two-month mark of our anniversary. We had to spend the day together and we did. While the game wasn't particularly interesting—we lost as well—we went back to her house to hang out with everybody again and there we stayed until the middle of the night. While the night was relatively normal, our intimacy seemed to leap up a level or two and into the night, I found myself sitting on the couch on her porch with her head on my lap. It was wonderful to say the least. And in due time, we all said our goodbyes and with a goodbye kiss, we parted ways again. That was probably the last wonderful day I've had with Jeanette.
The next few weeks were rocky. Jeanette had getting homework more than often and since she was busier than normal, I resorted to hanging out with Alvin and Brittany. That's most likely my first mistake. I tried not to notice it, but I couldn't really help it: I was jealous. Not of Alvin. I didn't want Brittany. I was jealous of their relationship. Their intimacy. I never really spoke with Alvin about his sexual life—I never had interest in it, but I assumed it was active. A lot more active than mine. And with those thoughts in my head, I made my second mistake by talking to Jeanette about it. I asked her why we never cuddled, why we never really held hands in public, or hung out together, or anything like that. She didn't really have an answer for me but I knew she wasn't ready for that kind of relationship yet. But, at the moment, I didn't care as much as I should have. I should've left it at that and given her time. But no. With the thoughts in my head, I kept pushing and pushing and with every conversation, I could feel Jeanette pushing away from me. And with time and enough pushing, the foundation that our relationship had been built on broke. The day I realized was probably the worst day of my life.
It was a cloudy day. Theodore and I stopped over the sisters' house so that Theodore could get something from Eleanor. I immediately could tell something was wrong. Jeanette didn't want to really talk or hug and even when we were getting ready to leave, she struggled against me as I tried to give her a kiss. Upset and defeated, we went to Josh's to hang out for a bit. Eleanor eventually came over and we all just sat and talked. I continued to text Jeanette that night. I knew something was wrong and instinctively, I kept asking her what it was. Despite her protests that she wanted to think about it more before telling me, I kept asking and eventually it came out. She didn't think that our relationship was working out. The next few hours of my life were spent pleading with her to reconsider. Hell, even her sisters were telling her that she was going to regret what she was doing. But I couldn't get her to listen to me and like that, our relationship ended. The only thing she asked was that we wouldn't stop being friends and that she couldn't lose me. I agreed. The next few weeks of my life were spent trying to avoid any confrontations with Jeanette. Aside from a few awkward and painful meetings of our eyes, I was generally successful. Although we exchanged texts here and there, we hadn't spoken in person since that day.
Halloween came quickly and my brothers, Brittany, Eleanor, and I went to Josh's for a party. There, I found Jenna: a generally attractive girl that I knew from school. While single, I never looked at her as anything more than a friend but this party seemed to change that. We immediately hit it off and spoke most of the night. I learned that she had a crush on me for a while and in less than two days, we began dating. While I was surprised to find out that I had already gotten another girlfriend, I soon realized that when I was with Jenna, it was the only time I was able to forget about Jeanette—even if it was just for a little bit. Still, I enjoyed the relationship. Her parents owned a beach house down the shore and I often went with them there. Before I had even known, five months had passed by and I was approaching the end of my junior year of high school. It was around that time that I learned that Jeanette possessed her own Tumblr account and the next hour or two were spent cycling through about five months of posts. It was at that moment that it really hit me that I hadn't spoken to or texted Jeanette in all of that time. My last promise to her had effectively been broken.
In a few more months, Jenna and I broke up. It hadn't been as devastating as my breakup with Jeanette but I expected as much. I never attempted to get back together with Jeanette. I knew things could never be the same again. Even though I knew to give her time, I had already lost my virginity to Jenna and I was positive that Jeanette knew that and I doubt she'd want a "sexy crazy hound"—as she'd probably put it—as her boyfriend and frankly; I didn't blame her. Asking around, I saw that she was happy where she was. Looking at her Tumblr posts again, I could see that she still hadn't forgiven me. Ashamed, I held off on making contact with her again. Within a few weeks, I found another girl: Sarah. She wasn't really from around here but we instantly hit it off, as well. I found we were extremely compatible and nearly twelve months later, we're still holding strong. Jeanette still crosses my mind often and we've actually had a few conversations over the year. Most don't last for too long but they're still there. She forgives me and we don't hate each other or anything which is a plus. Now, approaching the end of my senior year of high school, I find myself thinking about her again now that I won't be able to sneak a peek at her every once in a while as we pass each other in the hallway. I'm not sure what to think but I suppose it's for the best.
As I look back up from my phone, I attempt to shake the thoughts of her out of my head but it doesn't really work. I look back down at the post again and read it aloud:
My Ex?
We're not friends,
We're not enemies.
We're just strangers
with some memories.
And it was true…so terribly true. I read the last line again:
We're just strangers…with some memories.