A/N: So, this is my first Glee fanfic. It didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to, but that's what you get when you don't have enough experience in writing or english. XD

Summary: Kurt Hummel didn't consider himself suicidal - he never wanted to die. The only problem was that he had already stopped trying to live long ago.

Warnings: Suicide, duh, if you didn't already guess it from the summary.

Disclaimer: Not sure why anyone bothers, because this is fanfiction, and we all know what that means. :D

It was so easy to close your eyes from the reality and deny the obvious signs, deny the truth and ignore the fact that cracks in glass were never invisible.

Mercedes wasn't always much of an optimistic, and certainly not a pessimist, but she had always prided herself in being realistic. Seeing all the important things there was to see that mattered, never closing her eyes from reality and certainly not ever ignoring people in need. Friends in need.

(Kurt in need. And that alone should have made it million times more urgent.)

Was she just a coward, then? Had she been lying to herself all along? If she had been one to make excuses, she would have said that Kurt wanted to keep everyone at arms' length. That he didn't want anyone else see him struggling, coming undone, that he didn't need nor want any pity. But as it was, she still didn't believe in excuses. She wasn't naïve enough to blame her own faults on anyone or anything else - because the root of the problem that it all came down to was that he just hadn't really had anybody to rely on.

Because if everyone else failed him, if the world let him down, Kurt should have always had Mercedes. And no matter how cheesy that sounded, it had always been their unspoken agreement: that between the two of them, they'd always be there for each other, to give their love, support and unyielding friendship.

And that was what hurt the most: she had been one of the people to let him down too, when she had always vowed to be the very opposite of that. Mercedes had been one of the people to shut her eyes and pretend that nothing was wrong at all.

She would blame and hate herself for it for the rest of her life, she knew. And she deserved no less.

"Dear Dad, Carole, Finn, Mercedes and everyone in Glee Club

This is not a suicide note. People who leave those behind want to be caught in the act. I don't, and neither do I want to write about how much everything sucks or how tiring living has become, because that would be simply meaningless. But I guess that I should take my time to apologize for taking the easy way out, giving up. If I were to defend my actions, I'd argue that I did try to fight. Every day of my life I tried to fight back with all the strength that I had, most of which I got from you guys, but it simply wasn't enough anymore. But as I said, I don't want to defend myself. I hope that you'll find it in your hearts to someday forgive me, and I realize that asking for understanding would be a waste of paper.

It hurts me more than I can express in words to know that I'm going to escape and leave all of you behind. Oh, I know that all of you will be okay: you have each other after all, you won't need me standing by your side to make you guys stronger. (I always needed you though, I couldn't have made it this far alone.) But what hurts the most is that I will not have you by my side. I know I haven't always been perfect son, "sorta-bother" or friend, but you have still been there for me and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Dad. I love you so much, and I'm sorry that you've always had to be the strong one. I know it wasn't easy on you, losing the woman you loved and having to raise a kid like me all by yourself. And you did great, too, because you're the best father I could've asked for, and I wish that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me and love me still. You know I always hated to disappoint you, and this will surely take the cake of all the bad things I've done before. Please don't hate me and more importantly, please don't blame yourself. In fact, don't blame anyone but me. This is no-one's fault but mine, okay? I believe in you, Dad, so I know you'll be strong enough to keep going on. And I'm glad that you've got Carole and Finn by your side to help you through this, because you know I'd never leave you alone.

Carole, Finn, as strange as it is, you really fit into our weird little family. I had great time with you guys, and Carole, I'm really glad that you and Dad both found new love and happiness in each other. Please look after dad after I'm gone. I know our family will work out just as well even when I'm out of the picture. Finn, I've never even dreamed of having a brother, but you're everything that I whould've imagined if I had. I hope you'll forgive me too, both for killing myself and all the ways I wronged you with my selfish little plots.

Mercedes. I never really had friends before Glee, until I met you. You really were my best friend, and now, having had you, I realize that you were one of the most important people in my life. I couldn't ever have made it this far without you. I love you. I'm aware that you knew all of this already, but I just wanted to say it to you one last time. I'd ask for your forgiviness too, but I guess that it would be pointless because I know you'll never forgive. Killing is a sin, killing yourself is a sin, I know. It pains me to know that the last thing I'll ever do will make me a sinner for all eternity in your eyes. I just hope that someday, you'll be able to see past that and remember the Kurt Hummel with a dream and not Kurt Hummel who killed himself, because I'll always be there for you, dead or alive, as long as you'll keep holding me in your heart.

Tina, Rachel, Brittany, Quinn, Santana, Puck, Artie, Mike and Matt. I understand that all of us weren't exactly friends, but we were all in the Glee Club and I guess that that's what matters. We were all part of something that was special, at least to us. So I guess that's why you'll always be special to me too, but you probably don't necesserily feel the same way about me. I know that you'll live on without me and that I wasn't that important to all of you, but I have to let you know how grateful I am for you guys. I love Glee, and nothing made that crappy high school better than being part of it with you guys. Tina, you were very good friend, and I gotta tell you; secretly, I always kind of admired your style and clothes. Not only because you totally rocked your look, but it was always just so you that one can't help but admire. Rachel, I never hated you, and I'm sorry for all the bad things I've said about you. Yes, I even want to apologize for the cruel comments I made about your clothing (because they were mean, not because I didn't mean them). I always respected your talent and ability to be proud of yourself, no matter what. And in all honesty, there was just so many similarities between the two of us that it was kind of scary. Brittany, you're one of the most unique people I've met and I love you so much for it. The world would be so less dull if everyone were like you. Quinn, you're so strong and it was amazing to witness how you came out from a total mess with head held up high. Santana, I just have to respect your utter HBICness. Puck, leaving you a note in this letter must be one of the strangest things I've done. Giving last words to a guy whose favorite past time was throwing me into the dumpsters, slushying me and giving me swirlies? Strange. But I guess that shows just how far you've come from being a total bully to someone more pleasant. Well, be glad, because I've forgiven you. Artie, I can hardly resist the urge to tell you to burn all of your suspenders and belts and never to wear both of them on the same time ever again or I'll come to haunt you. Actually, I might do just that. You better listen to me, and while you're at it, do that and never change anything else, because one has to admire your talents and strength. Mike and Matt (yes, can't speak about one of you without the other), I realize that I've never really talked to either of you. What's up with that? Guys, you seriously have to speak more, because I know I would've liked to listen what you would've had to say.

Ugh. This letter wasn't meant to be this long, my hand's sore all over.

I'm sorry. I love you. Yes, broken record much? Anyway, I realize that you're going to try to search for me, try to find me, most surely stop me, but it's going to be too late. Like I said, I don't want to be caught in the act. If you'll find my body, I'm sorry for having to witness that and bury me. (No, I don't want you all to wear black and listen to depressing funeral songs, so you better respect that.) If I'll turn out to be even a bigger of a coward and you'll find me alive, I'm sorry for giving you false hope - and damn if writing this letter was all for nothing.

Kurt

Ps. I honestly tried to be brave. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong for you."

That day had been one of the brightest, sunniest and warmest summer days that Lima had so far seen. Finn was sure that Kurt appreciated the irony.

The day had started out normally enough: since it was summer vacation, nobody in the Hummel-Hudson residence bothered to wake up before noon. Even Burt and Carole had taken break from their works. Eventually, Carole got up and decided that she was done doing nothing, and woke up her husband and son.

At first, Kurt's absence went unnoticed. Well, he had told all of them that he would have a sleepover at Mercedes' place.

"Mom, can I have pancakes for breakfast?" Finn asked eagerly. Not that he didn't eat them almost every morning, but there was just something special about sleeping until noon and waking up for pancakes. Yes, it was definitely the most awesome thing, like, ever.

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Carole promised. Finn grinned and sat down into one of the kitchen chairs.

Just as Burt and Finn were making plans for the day, they were cut off pretty affectively when Carole let out the most horrified, high-pitched scream.

"Carole!"

"Mom!"

Carole looked like she had seen a ghost. Her face had gone to sickly white, her eyes were wide with shock and glistening tears threatening to fall, and she was hardly standing up. Just as Burt and Finn started to ask what was wrong, she just shook her head and handed them a paper, not really trusting her voice at the moment.

Burt was about to throw the damned-piece of paper away and find out what had happened, but then he recognized the handwriting; neat and curly. Kurt.

"This is not a suicide note. People who leave those behind want to be caught in the act. I don't, and..."

For a moment Burt was sure that everything froze. For a moment he was sure that world wasn't turning, sun wasn't shining, he wasn't breathing or his heart beating. For a moment nothing existed, no feelings, no nothing.

Then he remembered that he was alive and this was reality, and it was then that he forgot to breathe for real. The fear. The fear that had always been alive, eating his insides, giving him nightmares... Yes, the fear had always been there. Now, it felt like all fear that he had ever felt had come back to haunt him, leaving him numb to anything else but for the coldness inside of him.

Never had Finn been so confused in his life, and that was saying something - he lived with Kurt, after all. But neither had he ever felt so scared before. He had no idea what was wrong, but he knew for sure that neither his mom nor Burt were hurt or harmed. Then it clicked. It was the piece of paper, he realized. His mom had been holding it and now, Burt had practically froze all over after just seeing it. So, worried and, despite himself, curious, he plucked the letter out of Burt's limp fingers.

For a moment he simply didn't understand the words. For one, blissful moment, nothing was wrong.

And then, it clicked. Despite Kurt's words, it indeed was a suicide note.

It took another moment for him to realize what that meant. And with that realization, he felt like his whole world had just come crushing down.

Standing there, Finn tried to decide whether to throw up, cry his heart out, fall to the ground or burst into action, never realizing that those little moments ticking away might have the power to change everything.

Because while the truth hand sunk in and sunk deep, for a minute none of them could figure out what to do.