The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has disappeared. Like half of the economy. Just wondered what the gang did to keep the Figgis Agency afloat all those months while Archer was in a coma. And I came up with one possible theory.
Flip Flops
"You did what with the agency's money?" Cyril shouted.
"You heard me," Mallory announced to the rest of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "I bought some real estate."
"Oh God Mallory," Lana groaned. "Not another one of Flim Flam Freddy's schemes!"
"NO!" Mallory protested. "Not this time! And never again! That man is dead to me! Or he will be once I get my hands on him."
"Then I'm assuming some other con artist got our money?" Pam groaned.
"Look this agency needs to bring in money in the worst way," Mallory told them. "And since we're not exactly doing gangbusters on the client front…Surprise, surprise…I found another way to keep us afloat in this sea of incompetency."
"So you just took my agency's money without even consulting me?" Cyril shouted.
"Look, it's called diversification," Mallory began.
"It's called embezzlement!" Cyril snapped.
"Relax Ebenezer Figgis!" Mallory snapped back. "I purchased the property with only five percent of the Agency's money so that Lana and the rest of Caligula's Posse over here could have a salary. The rest came from me and Ron."
"How much is this five percent exactly?" Cyril snapped.
"Five thousand!" Mallory told him. "Out of a twenty-five-thousand-dollar purchase of a mini mansion in the hills!"
"Twenty-five thousand dollars?" Lana did a double take. "For a mini mansion? In this economy!"
"I know, right?" Mallory said. "It was a bargain!"
"We can't afford to spend five dollars let alone five thousand!" Cyril shouted.
"How much you want to bet this is another scam?" Pam groaned.
"It's not a scam," Mallory said.
"Where exactly is this deal of the century?" Ray asked.
"In the hills somewhere," Mallory shrugged.
"You mean you haven't even seen this place?" Cyril shouted.
"I saw a picture online," Mallory said. "I read the listing. I'm not an idiot. Idiot!"
"So how did you buy it?" Lana asked.
"Online!" Mallory said. "As I have already said."
"Wow you can really get anything online nowadays," Pam blinked.
"They have this website where you can buy defaulted properties at a low cost from the banks," Mallory said. "I figure we renovate the property and sell it for a huge profit!"
"So, you just bought some property you haven't even seen?" Lana asked.
"With my agency's money!" Cyril shouted.
"There was a picture on the website Lana," Mallory took out her phone. "It was on my phone somewhere."
"I don't believe this," Lana groaned.
"Neither will Archer when I tell him this story," Pam snorted.
"Mallory, have you learned nothing from the Rose Creek Acres scam?" Lana asked. "Pictures don't mean anything these days!"
"It's from a licensed realtor Lana!" Mallory said as she went through her phone. "Here! There it is!" She showed the picture.
"That does look like a nice house," Ray admitted.
"See?" Mallory crowed. "All it needs is some paint. A little bit of polish here and there. The listing did mention some slight wiring problems but with Krieger I'm sure we can fix that easily."
"So you put up twenty thousand dollars of your own money…" Lana began.
"And Ron's…" Mallory said.
"Does Ron know that?" Pam asked.
"It's from our joint account," Mallory waved. "I of course will get the larger share once we make a profit."
"Don't you mean you and Ron get the larger share?" Lana asked.
"It's not worth quibbling about," Mallory waved as she took her phone back.
"I think Ron will do more than quibble once he finds out you took his money for some get rich quick scheme," Ray said.
"It's a joint account, Gayer Amshel Rothschild!" Mallory shouted. "It's our money!"
"What about our money?" Cyril snapped. "As in the money for this agency?"
"You'll get a profit," Mallory sniffed. "I just get the lion's share."
"You mean the lioness' share," Cheryl asked.
"Technically no," Krieger corrected. "The male lion always eats first even though the female lion does most of the hunting."
Cheryl did a double take. "Wait the female lion does all the work and barely gets anything while the male lion who just sits on his ass all day and screws around gets everything?"
"That is so much like your life Lana it isn't funny," Ray chuckled.
"Ray!" Lana barked. "Oh my God it is."
"If we can backtrack from the Mutual of Idiots program right now…" Mallory groaned. "Look it's a solid investment in real estate."
"You haven't been reading the papers, lately have you?" Cyril groaned. "Because if you had you would know by now that the real estate market is anything but solid!"
"Relax, Cyril I know what I'm doing," Mallory told him.
"Yeah like you knew how to run a drug cartel," Lana grumbled.
"How long are you going to be mad at me for that?" Mallory snapped. "That was years ago!"
"And I still remember giving birth in an airport waiting room without morphine while the United God Damn Marines and the CIA invaded San Marcos!" Lana pointed. "I repeat, no morphine!"
"It's not going to end anything like San Marcos and our Summer of Cocaine, Coups and Country Music," Mallory said. "This is a small, safe, can't miss investment!"
"You mean like Rose Creek Acres?" Pam asked.
"Flim Flam Freddy had nothing to do with this!" Mallory shouted. "I know what I'm doing!"
"Again, does Ron know what you're doing with his money?" Ray asked.
"I'll inform him later," Mallory waved.
"You mean when he checks his bank statement and finds out twenty grand is missing from his account?" Cyril asked.
"Our account! It's a joint account!" Mallory snapped. "And Ron doesn't look at our bank statements much. He won't know…"
"Unless someone tells him," Ray sighed.
"Who is going to tell…?" Mallory began. Then saw something. "PAM WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR PHONE?"
"Three guesses," Ray rolled his eyes.
Just then Mallory's phone began to ring. "You want me to get that?" Cheryl asked in a bored voice.
"I've got it, thanks," Mallory said sarcastically. She answered it. "Hello?"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT YOU TAKING TWENTY GRAND OF MY MONEY FOR SOME STUPID REAL ESTATE SCHEME?!" Ron's voice was clearly heard.
"And now Ms. Archer is getting it," Ray grinned.
"I DIDN'T WORK MY ASS OFF FOR THAT MONEY JUST SO YOU CAN FLUSH IT DOWN THE SEWER!" Ron screamed. "MALLORY! MALLORY ANSWER ME!"
Mallory glared at Pam. Pam smirked. "Whomp. Whomp."
Two hours later…
"I don't see why we have to go look at our property right now," Mallory pouted as Ron drove their car up several winding hills in the valley.
"Because I want to see what you've done with my money!" Ron told her.
"And mine!" Cyril added. He and Lana were in the back seat.
"And the rest of us!" Lana added.
"But mostly mine!" Ron snapped.
"It's a joint account!" Mallory snapped.
"Not for much longer if you keep pulling crackpot stunts like this!" Ron snapped.
"Ron it's a solid investment," Mallory said.
"That's what you said about Rose Creek Acres," Ron reminded her.
"Freddy had nothing to do with this and you know it!" Mallory snapped. "That loser is dead to me!"
"Oh, you're calling him a loser?!" Ron snapped. "Interesting choice of words!"
"What does that mean?" Mallory shouted.
"You're the hot shot former spy turned detective," Ron snarled. "Figure it out!"
"You know…?" Mallory glared at him.
"I swear you fall for more stupid scams and get rich quick schemes than anybody I know!" Ron snapped. "And keep in mind I used to know a guy named Easy Ernie! You know why they called him that? Because it was easy to get a buck off the guy for anything because he was bright as mud!"
"Mud isn't bright," Cyril blinked. "It's dull and…Oh wait I get it now."
"That guy could fall for any line because he was such a sap," Ron said. "Fat Mike once got fifty bucks off of him for his dog's operation. And he didn't have a dog!"
"What happened when Ernie found out?" Cyril asked.
"He gave Fat Mike another fifty so he could get a dog to have the operation," Ron groaned. "He was a born sucker if there ever was one!"
"Wow, that is bad," Lana remarked. "What happened to him?"
"He was hit by an ambulance while running from his creditors," Ron said. "Ironically his family was able to pay his debts and make a small fortune using the lawyer that was chasing it."
Ron went on. "I'm telling you Mallory, you are starting to give Easy Ernie a run for his title of World's Biggest Sucker!"
"It's a good investment Ron!" Mallory said. "I know what I'm doing!"
"That's what you said about the god damn cocaine cartel!" Ron shouted.
"How long are you going to be mad about that?" Mallory shouted.
"I was shot in the stomach by the Yakuza!" Ron shouted. "Repeat, shot in the stomach! By the Yakuza!"
"Still that was years ago," Mallory waved.
"I almost died!" Ron snapped. "And I didn't even get to the hospital in an ambulance! Oh no! I had to be dragged underground like Harriet Tubman!"
"Ron…" Mallory began.
"Literally dragged underground in an actual underground railroad!" Ron went on. "Which by the way Lana, I have a huge new appreciation for what your people had to go through."
"Thanks, I think," Lana blinked.
"Mallory I am trying to keep our marriage together," Ron snapped. "I really am. But you do not exactly make it easy for me. Especially with all these stupid get rich quick schemes that…spoiler alert…Always backfire on you!"
"This is just a simple real estate transaction," Mallory said. "No one is going to get hurt. And it's not going to backfire!"
"You always say that," Ron snapped. "But something always happens. And somehow, somebody always gets hurt!"
"That does happen to us a lot," Cyril asked.
"Oh, shut up Cyril!" Mallory snapped. "Why are you even here?"
"To check out this property you purchased with my agency's money," Cyril snapped.
"And the other idiots are following in the Idiot Van because they have to find out as well," Mallory rolled her eyes. "But what about that other guy you brought?"
"Joe's a house inspector and a friend of a friend of mine," Ron snapped. "I want to know exactly what kind of a disaster you got me into!"
"It's not going to be a disaster!" Mallory snapped.
"Wanna bet?" Ron said.
"I'll take that action," Lana said.
"What?" Mallory asked.
"Fifty will get you a hundred that this property you bought is either a scam or looks nothing like the picture," Lana said.
"Oh really? Mallory snapped.
"Really," Lana said.
"Fine! I'll take that bet!" Mallory snapped. "It'll be the easiest hundred I'll ever make!"
"It'll be the easiest hundred I'll ever make!" Lana barked back.
"So, who's this Joe guy again?" Cyril asked.
"He's a house inspector," Ron said. "Good guy."
Behind Ron's car was the Rush Van. With Krieger driving and carrying the rest of the agency plus one passenger.
"Sixty-seven bottles of beer on the wall!" The remaining members of the Figgis Agency sang and drank as Pam drove the van. "Sixty-seven bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around!"
"Sixty-six bottles of beer on the wall!" Joe, a young man with a beard and a blue jumpsuit who had an uncanny resemblance to Charlie Day sang with the gang.
"Where the hell is this place?" Cheryl spoke up. "We've been driving like forever!"
"It's been less than an hour," Joe told her.
"Yeah well I still gotta pee," Cheryl grumbled.
"That's what happens when you pound all those drinks down and have a skinny bladder," Pam burped. "Damn it. Now I have to pee."
"So you guys are like detectives?" Joe asked. "What's that like?"
"Not as good as you'd think," Ray admitted as he took a drink.
"I know, right? All those TV shows make it look so god damn easy," Pam took a drink and burped. "Honestly it's been kind of one shit storm after another."
"Yeah but you guys are just hanging around drinking beers," Joe said. "It can't be that bad."
"One of our guys is in a coma," Pam gave him a look.
"I see your point," Joe shrugged as he took a drink.
"Admittedly part of it is his own fault," Cheryl said. "He didn't let the cyborg get shot first like he was supposed to."
"The what now?" Joe did a double take.
"Don't ask," Pam groaned.
Meanwhile back in Ron's car…
"Where the hell is this place you bought?" Ron asked as he drove. "It feels like we're driving halfway across the state!"
"According to the GPS it's not that much further," Lana looked at her phone.
"Good cause I gotta take a leak," Ron groaned.
"I told you not to drink so much water before we left!" Mallory fumed.
"At least it will be an excuse to check out the bathrooms of this palace you bought," Ron snapped.
"Which I say will be anything but," Lana added.
"Well that hundred dollars you are going to owe me soon will say otherwise!" Mallory snapped.
"Here we are," Ron said. "What was the address again?"
"475 Louden Drive," Lana said. "There it is right there."
A pair of gates were in front of them. "See Lana!" Mallory said triumphantly. "It's a gated community. What more could you ask for?"
Right on cue the gates creaked and one fell down in front of them. "Well for starters…" Lana said dryly. "Some gates that work."
"This does not bode well," Cyril groaned.
"Just open the other gate," Lana said.
"Why do I?" Cyril began. "Oh never mind…" He got out of the car and barely touched the other gate when it fell down backwards.
"This really does not bode well," Cyril remarked.
"Well not for Mallory's wallet," Lana grinned. Mallory glared at her.
Soon the entire group was standing in front of a dilapidated large house. "Louden Drive?" Pam asked. "More like Lousy Drive!"
"Ugh," Cheryl folded her arms. "Gross!"
"That is not a nice house," Ray said.
"Ahem," Lana held out her hand.
Mallory pulled out a hundred from her purse. "Damn it!"
"Thank you!" Lana said. "Easiest bet I ever made."
"So what's your professional opinion on this one, Joe?" Ron asked sarcastically.
"Honestly just looking at this I can see at least five major code violations that have to be addressed," Joe said. "The faulty gates are obviously one of them. As well as that window over there…doesn't have a window. It's just basically a square hole."
"I see," Ron nodded. "Windows are important."
"And that tree growing out of that window…" Joe said. "I'm not sure that's supposed to be there."
"Probably not," Ray said dryly.
"That pothole right there in the driveway has to be fixed," Joe told him. "And that sidewalk over there has to be redone. It's all broken up and filled with weeds in the cracks. Actually, it's more weeds and cracks than sidewalk."
"That's not the only thing cracked around here," Ron gave Mallory a look.
"I do have a suggestion that's kind of a time saver," Joe said. "I say we all agree to not buy this house and go back and have some drinks? What do you say? Unless one of you was dumb enough to buy this house online without looking at it."
Everyone else looked at Mallory. "She was," Cheryl pointed at Mallory. "She was dumb enough!"
"Carol!" Mallory bristled.
"Who's the idiot now?" Cheryl taunted.
"Honestly between the two of you it's a toss-up," Ray remarked.
"Zip it Ramona!" Mallory snapped.
"He's not the idiot who spent our money on this disaster!" Cyril snapped.
"And neither am I!" Cheryl added.
"Which means Mallory wins," Ron quipped.
"RON!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh my God!" Joe laughed. "Oh god! This is like the fifth house in two weeks I've done that was a complete and total shit box! I mean seriously! Somebody is making a fortune selling shitty homes online."
"I think I can guess who," Ron glared at Mallory. "I'm gonna need that realtor's number babe."
Joe took out his phone. "Okay I'm going in. Do you mind if I take pictures with my phone? See we have a running bet each month on who inspects the worst houses. And I think this can put me over the top."
"Go right ahead," Cyril sighed as Joe started taking pictures with his phone. "Besides we might need them if we decide to file a lawsuit."
"Okay man…" Joe started taking pictures as he went up. "Ah! Gopher holes. At least I think they're gopher holes. Might want to get some kind of pest inspector up here. I mean…Even without the broken window…Odds are there's something living in there."
"Someone is going to be living there if she doesn't learn from her own god damn mistakes!" Ron glared at Mallory.
"I don't understand," Mallory protested as she took out her phone. "This doesn't look like the picture!"
"Actually, it does," Krieger took a look. "Ah I see the problem. This photo was taken when the house was first built. Thirty years ago. And it's been retouched so…"
"We're gonna need a hell of a lot more than paint to fix this dump," Pam remarked.
"Who lived in this mansion?" Ray asked. "The Addams Family?"
"I don't think even they'd like this trash hole," Pam winced. "Seriously it smells like rotting trash."
"So it's a fixer upper!" Mallory snapped. "We fix it! We flip it! For a hefty profit!"
"I have a better idea," Pam said. "How about we insure it with an insurance agency and then fix it with a lit match?"
"I like that idea!" Cheryl grinned.
"We're not committing arson!" Cyril snapped. "Again!"
"Besides what insurance agency is going to insure this shit hole?" Ray asked.
"You'd be surprised," Cheryl said.
DONG DING! DONG DING! DOOOOONGGGG…."
"Doorbell needs to be replaced," Joe called out.
CRASH!
"And the door," Joe added. "Wow those hinges were so rusted they just fell right off."
"I really should not let you anywhere near our finances," Ron groaned.
"Ditto," Cyril agreed.
"God if I did not have to pee so bad," Cheryl pouted.
"Well fortunately for me going to the bathroom indoors is only an option," Ron moved away.
"Me too," Pam went with him.
"Ewwww…" Cheryl, Lana and Mallory shuddered.
Soon Ron and Pam were inside. "Uh, head's up," Pam pointed outside. "I think there's something living in the garage."
"Would not surprise me," Lana looked around the hallways with a grimace. Ray, Cyril and Mallory were with her. "I thought I saw a deer in the back. Well something big and fast was running around."
"Oh you know how the listing said there were slight wiring problems?" Ray asked.
"Yeah," Ron said.
"Turns out that means there's practically no wiring at all," Ray said. "They've all been either ripped out our chewed away."
"Really?" Ron gave Mallory a glare. "Smart move babe. Great investment!"
"You are just not going to be cool about this, are you?" Mallory grumbled.
"Where's Cheryl?" Pam asked.
"She went to look for a bathroom," Ray told her. "How it's going Joe?"
"I think I'm gonna win the five hundred dollars at work," Joe called out from another room. "That's how it's going. Could you guys come in the living room?"
"This does not bode well," Mallory winced.
"There are plants growing in the hallways," Ron told her. "How much worse can it get?"
Ron was stunned when they walked into the living room. "Apparently, it can get worse."
The living room was basically a small forest with broken down furniture. And one wall was completely missing, giving everyone a view of the hills.
"Okay there probably should be some kind of wall there," Joe remarked. "Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be a load bearing one so that's good news."
"I guess Mother Nature is living in the living room," Ray quipped. "Krieger what are you doing?"
"Taking samples for my lab!" Krieger had a hazmat mask on. "I think I just discovered a new species of mold!"
"Oh, that's definitely going to eat into the budget," Cyril groaned. "And there's a squirrel over there eating what's left of that couch."
"Well obviously we were planning on all new furniture," Pam remarked.
"I just sent some pictures to the guys back at the office," Joe laughed. "I am so winning that five hundred bucks! Ooh! Squirrel!" He took another picture.
"On the up side this house has a beautiful view of the hills," Krieger told them. "Look at that view."
"That's because there's supposed to be a wall there!" Cyril shouted.
"Well yeah if you're into traditional housing style," Krieger shrugged. "Think of this as postmodern contemporary."
"I think of this as post demolition," Ray remarked.
"You know Ms. Archer this really is a fun little house," Krieger said. "I can see myself having a nice little campfire in the living room. Doing some exploring and seeing what kind of wildlife lives here. And can trap for my experiments…"
"Krieger," Mallory winced. "Don't help."
"The bathrooms in here are totally gross!" Cheryl stormed in. "It took me like forever to find one that didn't have roaches floating in the toilet!"
"That goes under pest control," Joe told them.
"And the one that didn't have any bugs in it and looked sort of okay…" Cheryl made a face. "When I flushed it, it went up! I almost got toilet water on me! And I don't mean the good kind you buy in stores."
"Then it sounds like you might have some slight plumbing issues," Joe said. "I'm gonna go check the basement to see if there are any rats living in there or anything. Oh look, a bird's nest! Neat!"
Joe took another picture. "Nature is so cool!" He left the room.
"Ooh! Wait for me!" Krieger followed him. "I love nature too!"
"Damn Ray," Cheryl folded her arms. "I thought your old home in West Virginia was a dump but this place pretty much tops it."
"At least my home had walls!" Ray protested. "Most of the time."
"Wow Mallory," Cyril groaned. "Even for you this is bad."
"Again, with the Mallory?" Mallory sniffed. "I prefer you call me Ms. Archer."
"Oh, I will call you some things, all right!" Cyril pointed at her. "Embezzler, thief…"
"And a lousy judge of character," Pam looked around. "Man, that squirrel is going to town on that couch."
"Yeah, they must see you coming a mile away," Ray looked around. "Aww, that nest has a bird in it."
"Cute," Cheryl perked up. "What kind of bird is that?"
"That's a mourning dove Cheryl," Ray told her. "Those are pretty common."
"No, I mean that bird over there," Cheryl pointed.
"Oh, that bird," Ray said. "I think it's a cuckoo."
"Oh I see a cuckoo," Ron glared at Mallory. "I believe it's a silver haired seersucker. With an emphasis on the sucker!"
"Don't start Ron," Mallory snapped.
"I am going to start all right!" Ron snapped. "Start keeping a tighter watch on our finances!"
"Good news I don't think you have much of a rat problem," Joe was sweating as he ran in. "Mostly because I think that family of coyotes in the basement ate them all!"
"I am so changing the terms of our joint account," Ron groaned.
"Guys! I saw some of my Krieg-Bats!" Krieger came in joyfully. "They're really breeding well!"
"What?" Joe asked.
"Don't ask," Everyone else said as one.
"I think I'm going to go check upstairs," Joe said as he left the room.
"Well the upside is that I don't think there's any termite damage," Krieger said cheerfully.
"Who cares about termite damage?" Cyril shouted. "There is no wall in the living room! We're way beyond termite damage!"
Cyril glared at Mallory. "You stole five thousand dollars of my agency's money on this? This…Nature preserve?"
"That's nothing!" Ron snapped. "She got twenty grand from me!"
"You two are not going to let this go, are you?" Mallory groaned.
CRASH! WHAM!
"What the…?" Ray did a double take. They ran to the foyer. "Oh my lord…"
They saw Joe lying on the floor covered in debris. And a large hole in the floor. "Bad news…" Joe was coughing up blood. "You have termites!"
"Oh my god! Mallory!" Lana gasped.
"I'm on it!" Mallory punched in a number on her phone. "Hello? Chesterton Realties? Hello? Answering machine, damn it!"
"SHE MEANT CALL 911 YOU HEARTLESS HARPY!" Ray shrieked.
"I think I broke my spleen…" Joe coughed.
Sometime later the gang was standing outside the house watching Joe being put in the ambulance and carried away. Mallory was off to the side on the phone.
"So much for somebody not getting hurt," Lana groaned as the ambulance pulled away.
"Called it," Ron groaned.
"The good news is he has five hundred dollars for his medical bills," Krieger said.
"Really?" Cyril snapped. "That's your takeaway from this?"
"Well," Krieger paused. "That and we don't need to call pest control. The noise from Joe's fall and the ambulance's sirens scared them all away."
"Why do I bother talking to you?" Cyril groaned.
Mallory hung up her phone. "Apparently, the realtor I bought the house from has been arrested for fraud."
"You called it," Lana said to Pam.
"We're not getting our money back, are we?" Cyril groaned.
"Well not from my realtor no," Mallory sighed. "Okay I'll say it. I may have made a slight mistake here. Mea Culpa."
"THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?" Cyril exploded. "YOU ROBBED MY AGENCY AND PRACTICALLY BANKRUPTED US ALL OUT OF A JOB AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS MEA CULPA?"
"It was only five thousand dollars," Mallory waved.
"Our last five thousand dollars, Mallory!" Cyril said acidly. "As in that was literally all the money we had left in our account! How are we going to pay our bills? Huh? HOW?"
"We only had five thousand dollars left in the agency?" Lana gasped.
"YES!" Cyril screamed.
"How could we only have five thousand dollars?" Lana asked.
"Oh, I don't know Lana," Cyril said sarcastically. "There are these little things called bills for water, electricity, internet, repair and bar tabs! Not to mention fines I had to pay when one of you screws around with the law. Or bribes when one of you causes chaos in a restaurant or something! And I have to pay you idiots even though all you do is screw around on my dime! Add the fact that Ms. Moneybucks over here buys expensive alcohol every week like Prohibition is going to come back at any second, we're lucky we had any money at all for her to embezzle!"
Then he turned back to Mallory. "And even if we didn't go bankrupt because of this little stunt, we're going bankrupt anyway because it's going to cause a fortune to get rid of this disaster you call an investment! Ever hear of a little thing called property taxes Mallory? HUH? God only knows how much this is going to cost us! We're ruined! Absolutely ruined!"
"So we're out of a job again?" Pam shouted.
"Well let's see," Cyril counted off. "In the past three and half years we've failed at being spies, drug lords, arms dealers, country music stars slash entourage, running a foreign country and now detectives. So yes, Pam. We have to change careers again!"
"Damn it!" Ray groaned.
"Wow," Pam said. "That's a lot of jobs. When you say it all together like that. That is a lot of careers we've burned through."
"The way things are going we all might end up as janitors or coffee baristas!" Cyril groaned. "If we don't burn the next place down! Which knowing our luck would probably happen!"
"It is nice to dream, isn't it?" Cheryl sighed.
"We can always run a bar?" Lana suggested weakly.
"With this group of alcoholics?" Cyril pointed to everyone else. "We'd be out of business within a week!"
"Plus it's kind of already been done by some other people in Philadelphia so…" Cheryl shrugged.
"Mallory go wait in the car!" Ron snapped.
"Ron I…" Mallory began.
"NOW WOMAN!" Ron shouted.
"Before we make you," Pam glared at her. Everyone glared at her.
"I'll wait in the car," Mallory sniffed. "Don't take too long." She walked away.
"Can you believe the nerve of that bitch?" Cyril snapped. "Ruins our lives and doesn't even care! Sorry Ron…No offense."
"None taken," Ron sighed.
"God I'm going to have to live with my parents," Lana groaned.
"I'm going to have to start hooking on street corners," Pam groaned.
"Me too," Ray groaned.
"Wait I have an idea," Ron realized something. "I think I know a way out of this and save your agency. Cheryl…I need to ask you a favor."
Two hours later…
"So your great plan was to sell the property to Carol?" Mallory shouted at Ron back at the Figgis Agency. They were standing in her office.
"Yes," Ron said. "For exactly the same amount you paid! Which means all the money is back where it should be! In our wallets!"
"But we didn't get a profit!" Mallory protested.
"There wasn't going to be any profit anyway on that dump and you know it!" Ron snapped. "Hell we're lucky Joe isn't going to sue us with all the injuries he sustained inspecting that dump!"
"Why the hell would Carol agree to pay 25 grand for that property anyway?" Mallory shouted. "Carol? Carol come in here."
"She's not here," Lana stuck her head in. "She's with Pam, Ray and Krieger back at the property."
"They're still at the house?" Mallory asked. "What the hell are they doing…? And as soon as those words left my mouth."
Back at the property….
"EEE!" Cheryl squealed with joy as the property burned. "BURN BABY BURN!"
"The things I do for extra cash," Pam sighed as she watched from the van. "And to get away from the office."
"Me too," Ray remarked as he watched the fire and took another drink of beer.
"Smores anyone?" Krieger had some marshmallows on a stick.
"Eh why not?" Pam shrugged.
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"Okay now it all makes sense," Mallory groaned.
"Pretty obvious actually," Lana admitted. "Now we can add arson to the list of things this agency has done besides solving crimes."
"Technically we did arson already," Mallory corrected.
"Oh right," Lana realized.
"Are you people sure that you're cut out for being detectives?" Ron asked with a groan. "Because it seems like your talents are in another direction."
The next day…
"Okay Figgis Agency," Cyril addressed the agency from his desk. "Good news. We have a case."
"Finally," Mallory remarked as she took a drink from the glass in her hand.
"It's an insurance investigation case," Cyril said.
"Ugh," Mallory rolled her eyes as she took a drink. "Grubby little investigation case. For some measly insurance money."
"An arson investigation case with a payout of two million dollars," Cyril said. "And we've been hired to investigate with a payment of fifty grand for the agency."
"Fifty grand?" Lana gasped. "To investigate an arson of a house insured for two million dollars? Who…? Oh dear God I just figured it out."
"Yeah," Ray groaned as Cheryl giggled. "This just got grubbier."
"Wait hang on!" Mallory realized what was happening. "Carol insured that dump for two million dollars? How is that possible?"
"Uh she's a billionaire?" Pam gave her a look. "Who probably has her own insurance agency? DUH!"
"Actually, I got the insurance from another agency," Cheryl said. "That has been doing this sort of business for my family for generations."
"And I'm guessing they get a payout for insuring your little arson spree?" Lana groaned.
"It wasn't a spree," Cheryl corrected. "Technically. But yeah."
"And another clue falls into place," Ray groaned.
"So Carol makes an almost two million dollar profit?" Mallory was frustrated. "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"
"Yeah the look on your face…" Cheryl laughed.
"AAAAHHHGGGH!" Mallory screamed.
"God Ron was right," Cheryl laughed. "This was worth it!"
"Ron knew about…OH MY GOD!" Mallory shouted.
"It was his idea," Cheryl grinned.
"Technically mine," Pam spoke up. "Ron just ironed out all the details."
"It's not a total loss Ms. Archer," Cyril said. "Remember we're getting fifty grand to investigate the arson? I just investigated. It's not arson."
"And here is the paperwork for you to sign," Cheryl gave him some papers. "Then I can write you the check."
"Now we're doing insurance fraud," Lana groaned. "On top of the arson!"
"It's work Lana!" Cyril snapped as he worked on the paperwork. "Which is more than you've come up with!"
"I'm not the one who got us into this mess!" Lana protested.
"Well I'm just cleaning it up," Cyril said as he finished signing the papers. "By cleaning up. And for everyone's hard work at investigating…"
"Seriously?" Krieger blinked.
"Sarcastically," Cyril gave him a look. "I'm giving all the agents fifteen minutes of approved time for your PI licenses."
"We only get fifteen lousy minutes?" Lana barked.
"Fifteen minutes is the lowest amount of time allotted Lana!" Cyril snapped. "Maybe that will teach you not to complain about work!"
"HA HA!" Cheryl laughed.
"Thanks a lot Lana Lame!" Pam glared at her.
"Yeah!" Krieger added. "Thanks a lot! For what exactly?"
"This day just keeps getting better," Cheryl grinned. "Well for me."
"Well it's fifteen minutes more than Archer," Ray admitted.
"Exactly," Cyril nodded.
"Plus, the members of this agency each get a bonus," Cheryl added. "Six checks equaling ten thousand dollars each."
"Hooray for not starving this week," Ray rolled his eyes.
"I gave myself a check too for extra spending money," Cheryl said. "I'm pretty low on matches this week so…"
"Don't you mean seven checks?" Mallory asked. "For all of us?"
Everyone else glared at her. "What?" Mallory asked. Then it hit her. "Oh…"
"FYI," Cyril said. "That was also Ron's idea."
"God I love this day," Cheryl giggled.
"God I will love the day I finally burn this place to the ground," Mallory grumbled.