Kuroko and the GoM in Jail (get drunk)
WARNING: Lots of Cussing (duh), drunkenness, and references to childhood characters! Set around a month after Kuroko joins Seirin, but before the practice match.
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN SHIT AND I NEVER WILL
One day upon the summons of a text sent by Akashi, the GoM met up together to have some friendship time at a nearby amusement park. (1) It all went downhill from there.
Akashi decided it would be a good idea to have fun with some of his old teammates. So he sent out a group text. It was 3am. On a Tuesday. He was surprised to see all of them responded. Looks like they still knew their place.
Little did he know, that they all were sleeping before Akashi texted them, except for Aomine who was masturbating to a porno. Everyone had their Akashi alert sound to maximum volume, and a red alert sound, so they wouldn't accidentally miss his text and feel his wrath as a result.
*At Kuroko's house*
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZBUZBUZZUZUZUZUZU! Kuroko slowly sat up, rubbed his eyes, and checked his phone.
"Hm? What does Akashi want?" He read the text, and put on his day clothing. He texted back that he'd be there in five minutes. He quickly walked downstairs and took out his light blue bike, the amusement park was only a couple minutes away from his house. He put on his helmet, covering up his atrocious bed head and took off down the road, towards the meeting point.
*At Aomine's house*
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZBUZBUZZUZUZUZUZU! Aomine let out a startled yip, and fell to the ground. He pulled his hands away from his genitals, wiped them on the floor, paused the porno, pulled up his pants, and picked up his phone, grumbling about privacy.
"What the fuck can that bastard want at this time..?" A look of confusion spread across his face.
"An amusement park? AT THREE AM? Shit! MOM! Mom! I need to take the car!"
"WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED THE CAR AT THREE AM?!"
"I'M MEETING SOME FRIENDS!" He grabbed the keys, and hopped in the car, taking off before his mother could say anything else. He started floorit-ing in the direction of the amusement park. He vaguely knew the way because of trips when he was a little kid.
Even though he was speeding and ran past two red lights in front of a cop, he didn't get pulled over. The cop was his older brother and gave Aomine special treatment, resolving to ask about it later.
*At Kise's house*
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZBUZBUZZUZUZUZUZU!
"BWUARGLE!" Kise was awoken from his slumber, falling off his chair, landing where his new dog was sleeping. He had fallen asleep at his desk, up late last night studying for a quiz he would fail anyways.
BARK BARK BARK! His puppy barked like a mad man in a skiing outfit. Kise freaked, but focused on calming the dog.
"Hey, hey. Shhhhh! Shhhh! We don't want to wake up Mom or Dad, right? Good, now just go back to sleep." The dog looked suspicious, but curled back up into a ball. Now he picked up his neon pink phone. He checked messages, and paled.
"A-amusement park? At three AM? Isn't this like the beginning of that horror movie I watched two days ago? But what if all the rides are open with no lines?! Awesome!" He ran downstairs, he put a note for his mom when she woke. Then he ran outside in his school clothes from yesterday to the metro that was near his house. He got on the creepy 24/7 metro, and texted Akashi he'd be there in around ten minutes.
*At Midorama's house*
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZBUZBUZZUZUZUZUZU! Midorama was annoyed by this sound, but got up anyways. The green haired teen shivered at the thought of what Akashi would do to him if he slept in. He put on his glasses with practiced ease, sat up in bed, and checked his phone. His thoughts were:
"What? What is he thinking at three am? He can't be serious… But this is Akashi. Sigh, I suppose I should go, but first I need my lucky item!" After closing the message app, he opened another app that would tell him the lucky item of the day, along with his rating for the day. He frowned seeing the results.
His lucky item was a strawberry flavored condom, and his rating, Cancer, was sixth luckiest. The description for the day was "Cancers be prepared, you will have a rough long day filled with company of other signs. They may annoy you but today will become a story told for decades!" Midorama could only hope that wasn't the case.
He sighed, resigned to his fate, he undressed out of his, coincidentally, strawberry smelling pajamas, and changed into some casual clothes. When he was downstairs, he put on his shoes. He must have woken his mother who was looking on worriedly.
"Shintaro? Why are you up so early? Where are you going?" Midorama kept tying his shoes while answering.
"Akashi." It was enough of an answer, it had happened enough times already. The mother's worried look resolved into something of pity and humor.
"Well, have fun dear." And with that she walked away, and Midorama left the house, making a B-line to the closest convenience store. Once he arrived, he bought his strawberry colored condom, and five other flavors as well. The lucky items for today had that condom theme. He slipped them in his pocket, and called a taxi to the amusement park. He texted Akashi saying he had their lucky items and would be there in two minutes.
*At Murasakibara's House*
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZBUZBUZZUZUZUZUZU! Murasakibara sleepily opened his eyes like a cat, rolled over and checked his phone. His eyes widened at the message, and sluggishly got out of bed. He undressed out of his pjs and put on a t-shirt with pants and shoes. He brushed his hair, he didn't want it to get tangled! And walked towards the door. His father was woken by his stomping around, and came down to check what was up.
"Atsushi! What are you doing?" The boy looked at him very seriously and said.
"Akashi. Park." And with that he left. The father just sighed, he would never know what to do with that boy. No one knew how Murasakibara reached the park, not even Murasakibara himself, but there are some things in this world you just shouldn't question.
*At the park*
Akashi was standing at the entrance, arms folded, and tapping his foot waiting for the rest of his team to arrive. Kuroko was standing silent in the background, Midorama was looking uncomfortable and fidgety for some reason. Once Aomine arrived he joined the silent trio and began grumbling about Akashi being a sadistic slave driver. Once Kise arrived he annoyed the fuck out of everyone like the hyperactive little shit he was. How Murasakibara arrived was also a mystery, he was spotted coming out of a candy store on the other side of the street. When Midorama saw this he flipped.
"WHAT? Murasakibara! What are you- How did you- Why are you-?" His screaming brought Murasakibara to the captain's attention.
"Oh, hello Murasakibara. Come over here." And Murasakibara just walked across the street, thankfully there were no cars because no one was this fucking crazy to be up at 3 AM. "Are snacks the things that made you the last one to arrive? Would it best if you didn't have snacks for a while, hmmm?" Murasakibara paled, hugged his snacks defensively, and vigorously shook his head no. "Good, now that everyone's here, I can address you all. Kuroko, take that bike helmet off your head." He did so and revealed his blue explosion that he called hair. It sent Aomine into a spiral of chuckles.
"Aomine, go park your car, in a parking spot." The other blue head immediately stopped laughing, and did as he was told. Though he had a tough time getting the car off the sidewalk without hitting any signs. Trees, however, where a whole other subject.
"Kise, calm down. Midorama, tell me what has got you so anxious today." Midorama paled and Kise finally stopped his mindless babbling. Midorama pulled out a plastic bag from a supermarket, and began rummaging through it. By now Aomine, and Kuroko returned.
"Ah, I was going to get my lucky item for the day, and all the signs shared a common theme, so I got you all yours. It's not like I care! It was just there. And-"
"Well what is it?" Akashi's eyes flashed dangerously, he was not in the mood for Midorama's awkward bullshit. Midorama gulped, sighed, and pulled out five condoms. He covered his red face while the others just blinked and stared long and hard at him.
"Um, thank you, Midorama, for being so, um, considerate." At least Kuroko was trying to be polite! Aomine gave a laugh and grabbed his.
"Sweet! Lucky item indeed! That just means I'm getting laid tonight!" The others just looked at him. "What? We're all growing teens with hormones that make us horny! You know, to make us want sex? It isn't weird to be perverted! If anything you all are the weird ones!"
"Um, I have a girlfriend. She's always asking if we can use different flavors. Banana for the banana, huh?" Kise was just as bad as Aomine. The two dweebs snickered together in the corner making sex jokes until Akashi called for attention.
"Ahem. Anyways, you might be wondering what we are doing here at this hour. Well, I'm not going to tell you." He began to walk towards the creepy entrance, but before he could reach it, he was stopped by security.
"I'm sorry, kids. But you can't be here right now, go home. It's probably past your bedtime. The park's closed." Akashi frowned. The absolute did not get defied! But they did have intimidating guns and sticks. Akashi relented, just this once, because secretly he too was really tired and wanted to go back to bed. The guards were right, it was past their bedtime.
He turned around to face his weary team. He decided to call it a quits for now but they'd be back. He swore it!
"I am dismissing you for now. Go back to your homes, sleep and go to school, just like any other day. Do not tell anyone of this. You know what will happen if you disobey. But let me be clear, this is not the final time we meet here. I will call another gathering sometime soon. Until then." With that they departed, returning to their homes and flopping down on their beds for much needed rest. Completely forgetting about Akashi's promise.
And so after waking up the second time that day, it was a normal day for everyone. That is, until Akashi decided it was time to summon his team at 11AM to the previous spot. It was really inconvenient, because everyone was in classes and getting lectures by the teachers.
Midorama had jumped up at the unexpected noise, checked his phone, and apologized and left.
Murasakibara was almost sleeping when his went off, he instantly woke up, and just got up and left with no explanation.
Aomine was getting roasted by a teacher for skipping a class or two, and used the text as an excuse to leave before running. The excuse had been denied, and security tried to chase him down, but failed.
Kuroko was diligently taking notes, being invisible, as usual, when suddenly all eyes were on him as he checked his phone. He went up to the teacher, requested to leave, and left, leaving a confused Kagami who couldn't leave class due to no excuse.
Kise had been in the bathroom when his phone received the text, causing the class to disrupt into rumors and they began searching for the loud phone. They found the noise coming from Kise's bag, and checked his phone. Kise walked in just as they turned off the alarm, his face paled in fear when the class asked him about someone named "Akashi-cchi" and a text. He grabbed his bag, muttered an excuse to the teacher and left, before getting the okay to go.
They arrived in varied times. Akashi was just there waiting for everyone being the creepy fucker he is. Next, Kise arrived huffing and puffing. Aomine arrived third, somehow he had the time to change out of his school clothes into something more casual and now had a porn mag.
Murasakibara arrived with some snacks, and ate quietly behind Akashi. Kuroko arrived at some point. He says he was there all along, but you can never trust that invisible little shit. Unless you were his light, but even then it was questionable. Midorama rode on his bike and with all the swag he could muster he locked it up onto a bike rack. Yeah, Midorama has swag. Deal with it. Actually he didn't have swag, he was an awkward person, and that will never change.
And so Akashi led his group of warriors through enemy lines, and deep into enemy territory. In other words, GoM went through the ticket booth, and walked to the back of the park to work their way back to the front.
The first ride they went on was a scary ride called the Scary Forest, it was mainly shrouded in darkness with flashing lights, but there was a drop at one point. Kise was screaming the entire way, and by the end Midorama looked considerably freaked out.
Next, they went on the Huge Swings, a large amount of swings being lifted into the air and being spun around like a carousel. Kise, still traumatized from the Scary Forest, was on the little swings, a smaller version of the Huge swings for kids, and was striking up a conversation with a five year old on a popular cartoon show. Murasakibara got motion sick, and threw up all his precious snacks after he got off.
To make Murasakibara happy, they went and got lunch. Akashi refused to pay the overpriced shit they called food, so he "persuaded" the manager to reduce the price by 3/4ths. Though no one said it, they all knew the manager would probably never be the same again.
After they lunch, they visited the birds. For some reason birds hated Aomine, and kept pooping on him. Kuroko and Kise had to restrain Aomine from becoming a bird mass murderer.
Then, they went to all the roller coasters with loops on them. Kuroko and Akashi were the only ones with a straight face by the end. But even Akashi looked a bit green, but he ordered his puke down. After all no one defied Akashi, not even Akashi.
Now, the place where revenge, allying, hating, and rivalries are formed, was the place they hit next. The bumper cars. Midorama couldn't stand up straight, the world was spinning. Some family decided to target him in their bumping. Kuroko was smirking, he had bumped so many people who couldn't figure out who bumped them. He framed so many people. Akashi looked displeased, a little girl had kept aiming for him. When the girl got out of her car she left her cherished stuffed animal in it, when she realized this, it was too late. She began bawling, she couldn't remember a time without it. Akashi smiled, justice had been served.
Before they knew it the day slipped through their fingers, the sun was setting. They had fun and really had gotten closer, surprisingly few fights had broken out. While they could stay later, Akashi didn't want to stay out later than sunset. They didn't reach all they attractions, he would summon them another day.
They decided, well, Akashi decided to stop at one of the cruddy restaurants before leaving. They were seated quickly, and a waiter attended them. Little did they know the waiter attending them was a rookie on her first day. She was a little uncomfortable in her uniform, which was a little too tight and short for her liking. There was a good wind blowing and her skirt brushing up against her genitals, along with the sight of 5 good looking men, made the teenage girl excited, and wanted to try flirting with one.
She checked them out. The red one was too scary! The blonde one looked stupid and crazy talking to the air (AN: she can't see Kuroko). The green one looked unapproachable. The purple one was tall, but he was eating and seemed rude. Then she focused on the blue one, he was tall, muscular, and all around hot. He was looking bored for some reason. Well she'd just have to make his night a little more interesting. Now she set her plan in action to woo the teens.
"Hello, I'm Karia. And I'll be your server. Have you decided what you would like to drink?" She pulled out a pen and a note pad. When doing this she over exaggerated her movements, so she showed off her womanly parts to the teens. This got Aomine's attention, she was even larger than Momoi!
Akashi answered for the table, ignoring the girl's blatant showing off.
"Yes, we have. Six waters, that's all." She looked down, like she had failed. But Karia loved a good challenge. She wrote it down.
"Yes, sir." She walked away as if she were a fashion model on a catwalk. Afterall, she had a show to put on for the on looking Aomine. She walked back to the kitchen to get the waters, they were understaffed today. Most of her co-workers called in sick. It was just her, 2 other waiters, and three chefs. But it didn't matter, there were barely any customers anyhow.
She poured the waters, then stepped back to admire the boys. She looked at them, and then down at her bosom. She decided she wasn't showing enough cleavage, and unbuttoned a button or two on her uniform. It took longer than she thought, because when she returned to the waters, another waiter was pouring water for a large table. She quickly grabbed her six waters and returned to the table to distribute them, making sure to have a bounce in her step. (2)
Little did she know, the other waiter had been pouring a fancy type of very strong alcoholic beer.
She grabbed the wrong cups. Oops. A fatal mistake.
She served them and each time she returned, they all looked a bit woozy and more silly. She had no idea why, she figured they were just tired.
Once they were done with their food, she brought them the check. She leaned down, as if to read the customer's writing, but really this was her last desperate attempt at getting the boys.
Aomine suddenly had enough of the torture of seeing what was always in his magazines right in front of his face, but not being able to do anything. In his drunken state, he made a decision no man should ever make. He reached out a tried to grab a boob. Without consent of the owner. BIIIIGGGG MISTAKE THERE.
While the waitress wanted attention from the hot young men (I mean who wouldn't?), she DID NOT want to be groped! She took the check, slapped Aomine, and ran back into the kitchen, they wouldn't follow her in there.
Andddd, they didn't! (3) Aomine looked around confused for a minute, unsure of who had slapped him, and took the big mounds of fat on the pretty lady away. He decided on a target, some purple bastard was sleeping right next to him! Like he was innocent! In drunk Aomine's mind, the purple bastard, who looked like Barney, was the ONLY culprit! I mean, who else could have done it except for the quiet one?!
"It's always the quiet ones." He whispered looking around dodgedly like he was surrounded by lying enemies. "It must have been that Barney bastard, always the quiet *hic* bitches." Now he stopped whispering like a madman, stood up, and started shouting like a madman. "HEY! YOU PURPLE ASS BARNEY FUCKER! YOU DID THAT SHIT, DIDN'T YOU?! YOU WANNA FIGHT, YOU OVERGROWN PURPLE SHIT?!" The Barney Bastard lifted his head, as if awakening from a nap.
"Neh? What? Who's Barney? Ne, Akashi? What is the blue man saying?" Akashi looked disturbed, his cheeks were flushed.
"Blue man..? Blue… hair? Unnatural little shit, …Grover? No, no. Aomine. Yes, Aomine." He remembered his position and was sober enough to take control of the situation. "Stop shouting, or would you like me to burn your pu. No, por. No… ah! Popcorn collection! Or would you like me to burn your popcorn collection?" Aomine stopped and stared at the bright red head. He made the connection. Red hair= Elmo. Bright red hair= Neon Elmo! He decided to obey Neon Elmo was a tricky~, ticky~ bastard when he wanted to be.
"Yes, Neon Elmo." He sounded ashamed of himself for being scolded by the almighty power of the TOTALLY REAL NEON TALKING PUPPET. As for the others, Kuroko was taking in their new names, recording the entire thing, and snickering to himself about poop jokes the hyper yellow man was telling him was telling him. The green man pulled out a puppet (condom), put it on his hand, he began hugging it, confessing his love to it. (4)
Yeah, anyone could tell they were either crazy or drunk. Maybe both, you can never tell in these types of situations. Anyways, Akashi gathered his troops and led them out of the store.
"Lets go, rainbow bastards. Yes, good name, Akashi. Why thank you, Akashi. Don't mention it, Akashi. Haha! I'm such a nice person!" His troops completely ignored him! How dare they! "AHEM! I SAID, rainbow bastards get the fuck outside. NOW." Murasakibara yawned and walked outside, swaying side to side with each step. He fell, and curled up into a ball about to sleep. Aomine noticed Barney fall down, and was about to kick the purple bastard, when a stern look from Neon Elmo set him back on track. He dragged Barney Bastard outside, and waited for the others, sending scary looks and threats to anyone who dare pass by.
Midorama stood up, shoving his protected hand into his pocket with a whisper of "I love you." He walked toward the door, he ran into the doorframe. Then he backed up, and walked through the frame, like nothing had ever happened.
Neon Elmo turned his gaze to the two remaining troops. A blue and a yellow, giggling like there was no tomorrow. One was holding up a phone, the other was talking into the other's ear. Akashi made his decision, and dragged them both outside by the hair. Once outside he located the others, and he put the two troops in line with the other three.
He began marching the line, inspecting each one of them. The stood tall, proud, and nervous. Akashi nodded, and returned to the center to address them.
"Hello, troops. I am your commander *hic* I mean sander. I give you sand, lots of sand, good sand. And I am in charge of you maggots- wait ew, I hate maggots. You're now" He pointed to Aomine. "Angry Grover" He pointed to Murasakibara. "Barney Bastard." He pointed to Midorama. "Oscar the Green Grouch" He pointed to Kise. "More Hyper Spongebob." He pointed to Kuroko. "Smaller Sully." And finally he pointed to himself and said, "Neon Elmo. Now these are your names, let's move out!"
The arrangement of colorful people walked through the crowd, Angry Grover picking fights, Smaller Sully still recording, and More Hyper Spongebob laughing at every little thing. Bastard Barney was holding on to Neon Elmo's hand, and Neon Elmo was clutching on to the hand like an overprotective mother. Oscar the Green Grouch was not-so-secretly petting his hand.
When they reached the short line to leave, they did the exact same thing except in line, and More Hyper Spongebob was playing hand games with little kids. And losing. Badly. Like if the little kid was a ten, More Hyper Spongebob would be a negative ten million.
Soon they reached the front of the line and were confronted with the confusing lady machines of death, which Oscar tried to flirt with.
"Hello, um, so you come here often?"
"Please insert your pass, which you used to enter. Thank you for your cooperation." The female's voice was like silk on butter to Oscar. He fell in love instantly, he began to spew words.
"Oh, my dear! How I love you so. Please run away with m- UGHFH!" He was pushed to the side by Angry Grover.
"Look, bitch, ignore Oscar over there, we just wanna get outta this dump, ya hear? So let us leave!" He kicked the machine. No luck, More hyper Spongebob gave it a try, he pressed a button, and the gates out of hell opened and the poor souls rushed out becoming free. However, this went unnoticed by the world until a series of mass murders later, but still the machine did not open it's gates.
Barney Bastard tried to bribe it lazily with candy, while eating the bribe. Neon Elmo was angry it wouldn't listen to his subordinates, and decided to intimidate it with a match he just happened to have and strike on fire.
"Hello, Evil doer. Are you prepared to open your-" Smaller Sully knocked, the match out of his hand, flying to who knows where, pressing a few buttons, and soon they were all on the other side, praising the magical wizard who could open gates.
However, don't forget about that match. It landed on a cat with thick fur on the other side of the fence, and set its fur on fire. The cat ran around a bit, it was stupid, so it forgot that there were other ways to put out a fire than water. But the cat had forgotten and was running around looking for water. The fun part is there was no water. The cat soon found itself rubbing up against a wooden orphanage, putting out the fire on the cat, but in turn, setting the orphanage on fire. 2 orphans died that night, the culprit was tracked down three hours later. (5)
By nine, they had done all kinds of crazy shit. Including getting arrested, but at least now in jail, the alcohol was finally wearing off!
They had been detained while a cop was breaking up a huge fight between Angry Grover, and a bunch of other drunken people. They had just begun to sling their fists at the other fighters when the cops arrived.
Most of the fighters had been adults and were sober enough to stop as soon as the cops arrived to avoid getting arrested. But the rainbow squad was already on a roll of destruction. Grover had to be detained with a low voltage Taser, while the others went along willingly.
They were the only ones caught and because of prejudice against unusual colored hair people, they were arrested. They went on a five-minute drive to the local jail, which was surprisingly nice smooth jazz playing in the background, before the cop's partner put it on Heavy Metal. More Hyper Spongebob had begun to do the scuba diver at that point. Barney Bastard had gone to sleep in the car. The smaller Sully had been recording up until this point. He turned the camera to face himself.
"And now, we got arrested by the police. I hope they don't take my phone-" Grover made a grab for his phone. "Hey! No, Grover! This is my phone-y! Anyways this is Smaller Sully over and out. EWW! Don't stick that in mY H-" He ended the video there to get the lollipop out of his hair placed there by THAT BASTARD BARNEY.
When they got out of the car, Angry Grover had his hand behind his back, like he was handcuffed, and jerking backward while stumbling forward, like he was being forced to walk forward. But he wasn't, he was just an over dramatic shit that he is.
The cops dropped them off in a large cell, after getting their names and letting them have their phone calls. Surprisingly only the light blue one called someone. The conversation had gone something like this:
"Hello, Kagami."
"What the fuck, Kuroko? It's so late"
"Yes, I know it's late. Come pick us up, angry leprechaun."
"LEPRECHAUN? WHY AM I THE LEPRECHAUN? YOU'RE THE SHORT ONE!"
"So you will come pick us up, good. We're at the jail."
"KUROKO? WHY ARE YOU IN JAIL? WHO ARE YOU WITH? KUROKO, I'M WO-" Kuroko closed the phone and walked into the cell, he wasn't gonna put up with that shit. Heheheh, shit, shitty poop, shitty poopy situation here at the jail.
The rainbow squad looked around the cell.
Barney went off into a corner to sleep. Oscar curled up on a bench trying to figure out why his hand was so attractive. I MEAN DAMN, THAT IS A GOOD LOOKING HAND.
Grover went off to pick a fight with the only other person in the cell, a middle aged man doing something shady in a corner. He could have been peeing, he could have been making a bomb; it didn't matter to Grover. That fucker was going down.
Neon Elmo decided on drawing on Barney's face.
Sully and Spongebob went off to cheer on and watch Grover beat the shit out of someone.
Grover grabbed his enemy's shoulder, spun him around, and was about to fuck that guy's shit up, but stopped just short when he realized the man was drinking something out of a canteen. He looked on curiously, the man was still dizzy from being spun around so fast.
Grover snatched the canteen out of his hand and took a big long gulp, and ended with a satisfied "ahh". The man, we'll call him Gregory for now, realizing what had happened stood up and tried to take it back. But the sudden change of blood flow caused the man to stumble back down, grabbing on to Grover for support, in the process dragging him down too.
"FUCKIN' SHIT MAN! WHY YOU DO THAT?!" Grover can be a scary drunk bitch when he wanted to be. Gregory backed down submissively. Spongebob and Sully just snickered in the background about shit, crap, and poop in general.
"Haha, General Poop reporting for duty. PHHT! Duty!" HAHA, nice immaturity Kise.
Anyways, back to the gorgeous Gregory (just kidding he's as ugly as the average fuck up). Gregory, scared and CLEARLY not in his right mind, began to sing.
"WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE That's amo..re… heh." He started off strong, but had a weak ending when he realized the modern youth didn't recognize the classic song. DAMN KIDS! He decided to try once more. Good luck Gregory, you're going to die.
"DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' HOLD ON TO THAT FEELIN' STREETLIGHTS PEOPLe…" DAMN FUCKING SHIT! DID THESE KIDS LIVED UNDER ROCKS? Gregory knew this song was old, but STILL kids still loved this song! Maybe one more modern would cut it… ONE MORE TRY!
"HEY! I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY! BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME MAYBE!" HELL YES! It worked! A spark of recognition blasted through their eyes as he sang the most ANNOYING GODDAMN CATCHY SONG. The tow gigglers in the back began singing as well.
His three attackers now turned drunken singers were gathered in a circle laughing and giggling. Eventually all of them gathered in a circle joking around, singing, and punching each other. It was a fine jolly atmosphere.
"-THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR. THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR, EARLY IN THE MORNING!" They laughed and finished their sea shanty. Greg turned slightly serious.
"So you all 're together right? So what'd you harmless bastards do to get in here?"
"I was just kickin' some people's asses when the cops showed up, and hauled us away! I swear we weren't doing anything bad…" Greg looked on at Grover. He still had a hard time believing that those ridiculous names were there real ones, but they didn't answer to any other name.
"So, what'd you do Greg?" GREGORY WAS SHOCKED! IS THAT WHAT THEY THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS?! It was Toujou, thank you very much!
"GREG?"
"Yeah, short for GREGORY~!"
"MY NAME AIN'T GR-" He was cut off, curse those bastards!
"Yes, Gregory. Now what did you do to arrive in jail?"
*Sigh* "I didn't do nothin'. I was accused of burning an orphanage down! AN ORPHANAGE! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? WHO BURNS DOWN AN ORPHANAGE?" Sully and Elmo rose their hands. Gregory shivered, how scary.
"So how'd you all get into the fight?"
"Welllll… We were just finishing up putting the kittens in the trees and eating popcorn while setting off illegal fireworks, when we came across a HUGE brawl. So we were like, how fun! So we jumped in, and when the cops crashed the party, we were the last ones fighting, so we got blamed for the fight." Gregory looked on astonished, these guys were fucking CRAZY!
"Kittens in TREES? Did you leave them there? Where'd you get the fireworks? Fireworks aren't illegal here! Why are yours illegal?!" Elmo answered.
"We left the small meowing abominations in the branches of hell to rot. And if you thought fireworks were legal, then you need to stop looking at the sparklers and start looking harder."
"Where did you get them?"
"We got them from the same place that gave us heroin, a magical school bus filled with children."
"WHY THE HELL WOULD A SCHOOL BUS GIVE YOU HEROIN?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"WHY THE HELL WOULD IT BE?"
"The same reason anyone would give out drugs, human experimentation."
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Neon Elmo had to give this guy some points, he was energetic, for an old dude.
"Don't worry, we know we should never do drugs. So get got some kittens, gave the kittens the drugs and threw them at trees until they stuck."
Gregory didn't eve know where to begin with this answer! How did they get the kittens? Did the kittens die? How tall was the tree? How many kittens did they have?! Gregory gave up, and just decided that these FUCKING MANIACS DESERVED TO BE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL, LOCKED UP FOR LIFE, NOT A FUCKING JAIL.
He was so fucking done with these people.
"And that's NOTHING compared to what we did before that! Okay, so-"
GREGORY DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THESE MANIAC'S EVENING ON THE TOWN. So he started singing a comfort song, and rocking back and forth.
"The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round, 'round and 'round"
Kagami closed his car door. He had visited all the other jails, this HAD to be the one Kuroko and his friends were at.
He walked inside, and acknowledged the officer.
"Excuse me officer? I heard my friend was here. I'm here to take him home." The officer didn't look surprised, this weirdo looked just like the other weirdos.
"Yes, alright. Do you have bail money?" He shuffled through his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash.
"Is this enough?"
"Should be. Would you like to come back with me, or wait out here while I get them?"
"… I'll go back." They walked back together in an awkward silence.
"Those friends of yours are pretty crazy."
"You think so…?" They opened the door, Kagami could hear singing. They opened another door, he could now see a circle of bodies singing.
He looked in on the cell, astonished at what he saw. Six random guys and Kuroko were laughing and singing like they didn't even know he was there! Did he have to bring ALL of them home? The officer spoke up.
"Listen up! Rainbow squad, you're free to go. You better thank your bailer." He turned to Kagami. "I feel bad for you. They're your responsibility now." WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Kuroko couldn't be that hard to deal with right?
He opened the door and let them out. They stumbled out, and Kagami sized them up. He wanted to know what kind of people Kuroko hung out with outside of school.
The purple one was tall, and had marker all over his face, legs, and arms. The red one was short, and had a marker in his pocket, he also had an air of superiority over others. The dark blue one seemed intimidating and looking for a fight, he was also sizing up Kagami. The yellow one was bouncing around, probably a hyperactive little shit. The green one was weird, hands shoved into his pockets, looking down ashamed. He just confused Kagami. And there Kuroko was, in the center of it all.
Oh that little bastard was going to get it for making him drive all the way over here and pay bail!
"Kuroko! Why the hell were you in jail!? Who are these people?!"
"I don't know."
"LIKE HELL YOU DON'T!"
"Alright. I was in jail, because I did something that fractured the law and caused me to be detained and placed in jail. And these people are humans."
"DAMN IT, KUROKO! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! NAMES! WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?!" Kuroko pointed to each one as he said their name. At the point of his finger they each did a weird pose and held it.
"Neon Elmo, Spongebob, Grover, Barney, Oscar, and Sully." Their positions were now something resembling a Power Rangers thing.
"FINE! I GIVE UP! Lets go to the car." And with that Kagami and company got into his pickup truck. Kagami drove, Kuroko was in shotgun, and the rest were in the pickup part holding on for dear life as Kagami went over the speed limit.
He made a stop for gas, and checked up on his passengers. They were pale and shaking, except for Akashi who just had a shit ton of bugs on his face. Kagami noticed someone was missing.
"Hey! Where's the purple guy?! Did he fall off?" Akashi replied.
"No, he saw his house and jumped off. However, he must have broken a leg."
"HE JUMPED?!"
"Yes, he jumped. It's not as such a big deal as you're making it out to be."
"NOT A BIG DEAL? KUROKO! WHY DO YOU HANG OUT WITH SUCH WEIRD PEOPLE?" Kuroko shrugged, typical of the bastard.
When he turned around from yelling at Kuroko, there were no more passengers in the back. Kagami was DONE, he just finished putting gas in the car, and left. He figured they had pulled a purple dude and left to go to their houses.
When he finally arrived at Kuroko's house, Kuroko got out and said.
"Thank you, Kagami, for bailing me and the Generation of Miracles out of jail. Though you are a cruel person, the others had just gone to the bathroom and were chasing the car for a while." Kagami had to take a double take.
"THAT WAS THE GENERATION OF MIRACLES?! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY WERE CHASING THE CAR?! Oh fucking god, why?! FUCK YOU KUROKO!" And with that Kagami drove off to his house to get some sleep. So much for first impressions with the GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYERS OF HIS GENERATION! Nah, Kagami was still better than them.
How arrogant of Kagami, Kuroko watched the car drive away. HE sighed and fell unconscious to the lawn, it had been a LOOONNNGGG day.
END
1: Amusement park based on Busch Gardens in Virginia All the rides are actually there, not actual names though… If you've been there, tell me! :D
2: Really sorry for this waitress and the blatant sexism, I tried to keep it innocent as possible but hey, ya know, the weird head of mine is pretty unpredictable :P
3: OKAY, so since I'm under the drinking age for my country, I've never actually been drunk, I plan to be when I get older, but this is the best I can do for now, I've read a lot of descriptions of adults being drunk so I hope this is somewhere close to reality
4: So going with #3, I read about types of drunks so here they are. Akashi= dramatic drunk. Midorama= affectionate drunk. Aomine= angry drunk. Murasakibara= sleepy drunk. And Kise and Kuroko are my happy drunks.
5: You seriously thought I would go a story without a single death!? HA! Sorry, but it's just not a story without some tragedy. :D
tell me if you thought it was funny or nah. I had so few OCs! Im so proud! Still it didn't go exactly as planned but I still think it's good. AND YES I KNOW THE CHARACTERS WERE OOC, THEY WERE DRUNK… I think, still underage here. WERE THE NICKNAMES TOO MUCH TO HANDLE? WAS THIS FUNNY? Oh yeah, Sully from Monsters Inc., Oscar the Grouch from sesame street, Elmo from sesame street, Grover from sesame street, Spongebob from Spongebob, and Barney from Barney. Like all other oneshots, if this gets more than 5 reviews or 10 fav/follows then I will write a new chapter for this, or another KnB crack. Which ever you like. Thanks for reading~
~Frosty