So I changed a few things here trying to give some backstory so Hephaestion would not seem like such a wimp. Or at least you would understand him more. Characters are obviously not mine Beware m/m sex. Sorry about the weird writing style and paragraphs let me know what you think
Many know the story of Alexander the Great the conqueror of Asia.
His battles are noted in detail.
He is known for his temper, his brutality, his love of cultures, his love for men and women.
Alexander was described as ambitious, arrogant
Needing to be the center of attention
His emotions often overruling his rational thinking
Interfering with his judgments
He distrusted everyone bordering on paranoia
He had a need to control and manipulate others in his life
This need was projected towards me in particular with great intensity
I met Alexander at the age of 13, some say we were the same age but we were not he was two years older.
My childhood had molded me into the perfect partner for Alexander
His need to control
My need to be loved
My idea of love, of being loved was distorted
The isolation that came with being with Alexander exaggerating the distortion
He was all I knew
Alexander made sure of that
Often controlling who I talked to where I could go
Making me feel guilty for wanting anything other than him
If he felt I was pulling away he would threaten to leave me
If he felt I was defying him in any way he would rage
Destroying my things abusing me physically, sexually
Telling me I caused it with my behavior
Minimizing the amounts and the intensity of the abuse
Calling me crazy
This twisted my mind, a mind already twisted by my father and the abandonment from my mother. As a child I thought Alexander's attention was love for I never received it from my father. Not to say that Alexander did not love me, for his idea of love was also distorted by his father and mother. We would often talk about his parents and their treatment of him. Both controlled Alexander in one way or another either through manipulation or threat. Their actions taught Alexander how to treat others, grooming him to be King.
My father taught me to fear. I had no consistency as a child, each day bringing a new threat that I had no ability to foresee. This inconsistency caused me great anxiety. When I met Alexander I was in awe of him, he was sure of himself, of his beliefs, of his place in life. I had no idea of what I would become or what was expected of me. Knowing Alexander gave me a purpose a goal through him I could do anything.
We both knew I was nothing without Alexander
He would often use that against me, testing me
He trusted no one, something I knew all about
He needed to test me, for his own peace of mind, I knew this, and did what I could to ease his mind.
But he too eased my mind.
My mind, what a strange place a mind is
It tells you things you believe with no question.
Sometimes it tells you as Alexander's mind did "you are the son of Zeus" "you are destined"
Sometimes it tells you as my mind did "you're a bad person", "you are not enough"
It's not your first thought no, your first thought is "if he loved me he would or wouldn't".
It sneaks up into your mind and takes over
Everything you see or hear is filtered through that thought "you're a bad person""you're not good enough"
Having someone like Alexander love me, would prove that I was lovable, worthy. My fear kept me from giving in to Alexander, not trusting his intentions making him pursue me, something he never had to do before. These unhealthy patterns were created early and were hard to break but also created an intensity that never waned through other lovers, marriages, wars, betrayal we used each other, leaned on each other, and conquered our demons together.
Our story is one of love
For even as it may be a distortion of love
It was how we knew love
It was the love we created
Giving to each other what the other needed
This is our story
A love story
Hephaestion
Babylon, Persia 330 B.C.
Alexander was changing.
The battles in Gaugamela had turned his body into pure muscle; his face had matured with the responsibilities of war.
He had become a King in his own right eclipsing his father's reputation.
He had always been sure of himself and his purpose
Arrogant
Now he had proof
He was welcomed into Persia as a god, a savior
Intensifying his beliefs in himself
I on the other hand
I felt the same as I did at 15
My need for Alexander never waning
My insecurities festering just below the surface of my mind
The other Generals called me the Kings whore heckling me when I was without Alexander. Leering and lusting after me, threatening me with rape if Alexander ever moved on from me. With Alexander's ever increasing responsibilities of war and politics along with new lovers and the responsibilities that come with relationships the threats came more often, as Alexander's interests became divided between me and his new lover Bagoas, it left me vulnerable.
The taunts and leers became bolder without the protection of Alexander
Harassing me
Using me as a surrogate for any misgivings or grievances with Alexander
I now most often sported a black eye or fatten lip from fighting off their rough advances. Something Alexander seemed to not notice.
Clitus being the most aggressive of the bunch seemed to take great pleasure in humiliating me, both of us knowing that he could overtake me in minutes if he had the chance.
My anxiety over these new assaults was increasing
I would often become overwhelmed with fear of leaving my room.
At these times my mind would race and thoughts of rape and the fear of what would become of me if Alexander ever left me to the wolves would cause me to panic.
My breathing would come rapidly, my hands would shake.
I would take my knife then and cut into my flesh to feel the pain and let the panic drain out with the blood.
This bloodletting had become a new ritual for me, more often it was becoming the only way I could muster the strength to leave my room.
In the battle at Gaugamela, we had all fought side by side the comradely that can only be produced by war is like no other. The intensity that you feel when you kill many men is indescribable the only thing getting you through is worrying about the man next to you more than yourself. The thought that you must be there, if they were to die, they would not die alone.
Here in Babylon, we began to distrust each other. Everyone had their own agenda pushing anyway they could to get it met. It was an environment that ate away at my psyche, I was not meant for it. It was not meant for Alexander. It produced a frightening dynamic. Alexander went from controlling an army where he ordered advances in a blink of an eye to not being able to make a decision due to gossip and threats. The only thing that Alexander knew he could control was me.
As I think back Alexander has always tried to control me
After we had begun sleeping together his controlling nature became more intense
Sex giving him a power over me that I did not understand
Our first time together
I had never felt such love
I had something with Alexander that no one else did
I felt special, wanted, loved
Alexander began allowing me into his inner circle of friends
Sitting with them as they discussed lessons and life
Alexander loved to test his limits with me
Pushing my boundaries
Telling me that if I loved him I would allow it
He had let me come along on one of their trips to the ruins where he and his friends would go to drink and talk
I was sitting in between Alexander's legs on some steps from the ruins
Alexander was running his hand up and down my thigh as he spoke
Telling the story of Hercules the mortal who became a god
I stopped his hand as he was giving me that tingly feeling that I felt when we had sex
I did not want to embarrass myself in front of these older boys, Alexander's friends
He wrapped his arm around my neck, my chin in his elbow pulling my head over to his knee he whispered into my ear
"Do not deny me Hephaestion you will regret it"
It was the first time he ever threatened me, telling me in no such terms that he could and would take it all away if I displeased him
I sat on my hands
He continued with his story and the rubbing of my thighs, kissing my neck
His friends were coming closer no longer occupied by their games watching Alexander fondle me
"Hephaestion loves this story, don't you Hephaestion?" Alexander smirks
I have an erection and his friends are laughing
I try to stand so I might run off
Embarrassed
"Hold on their Hephaestion" Alexander grabs my wrist holding me there
"No need to waste that" Alexander winks at his friends and leads me off to the back of the ruins
I hear his friends laughing as I am pulled behind Alexander
I am angry
"Why did you do that Alexander?" I shout at him
"What are you talking about" Alexander sneers
"You were touching me like you do when we are alone Alexander, in front of your friends!"
"Why would you do that? Why would you want them to see us together like that?" I am crying now
Embarrassed
Alexander has a look of shock on his face
"I did not mean to hurt you Phai" he tells me as he kisses me
"I was just teasing you" he kisses me again
"Alexander I do not want them to see us together, can't that be just ours?" I ask
"Of course my dear Phai" he whispers
Brushing the tears from my face
"You liked it though" he tells me as he continues to kiss me pushing me up against a stone wall
"When I touch you here" he runs his hands up and between my legs touching my balls
My breath quickens my erection answering for me
"How about when I touch you here" he asks as he kisses my neck and pulls on my cock
I nod my head as I inhale sharply
"Tell me sweet Hephaestion, do you like it?" he taunts me
Pulling on my cock rubbing the tip with his thumb
"Tell me you want me, tell me to fuck you"
Kissing me lifting me into his arms I wrap my legs around him he leans me against the stone wall
I blush as I say "Will you fuck me?"
He laughs "Say please fuck me my King"
"You are not King yet Alexander" I tell him defiantly
"Say it Hephaestion" he growls at me
He pushes into me, pain and pleasure
He sucks on my neck holding me up by his hands on my ass
Driving into me
"Fuck me my King" I moan as I rock up and down
His hot breath on my neck
"Say it again" he says smiling wickedly up at me as he thrusts, the tension in my body building
I smile back at him wanting to please him, needing to please him
I feel a tension that takes my breath away. I close my eyes so I can focus on it
Don't stop, not yet
"My King" "Alexander my King!" I shout out as I cum
Alexander moans as he begins to thrust harder I can feel his cock getting bigger, harder
He grunts as he cum's
"The gods have blessed me with you Hephaestion"
"My dear, dear Hephaestion" he whispers as he releases me back to the ground
Pulling down my chiton, kissing my face
"Don't ever leave me Phai, I could not survive without you" he tells me
My heart skips a beat
It was late in the evening as I walked into the center of the palace, the festivities were already in full effect with everyone drinking and dancing and fucking.
Alexander was watching a wrestling match between Cassander and Crateros.
The other generals were yelling and betting on who would win the match.
Alexander had noticed my entrance and was beckoning me over.
"Hephaistion, there you are, come here, you were always a great wrestler you should wrestle the winner" exclaimed Alexander.
Bagoas was standing behind his chair with his hands on Alexander's shoulders.
I felt my blood boil at his closeness.
I nodded at my king and prepared myself for the next match, hoping Cassander would win so I might have the opportunity to wrestle him.
He was one of my hecklers often starting the abuse.
His hatred for me was known by all
It was to be my lucky night as Cassander pinned Crateros and was claimed the winner.
I entered the arena.
Alexander
I sit with Ptolemy
Watching as Hephaistion enters the ring.
Cassander takes the first move.
"Alexander may I be honest with you" Ptolemy inquired.
"I would hope you were always honest with me Ptolemy" I huff
"Hephaistion? Do you grow tired of him?"
"Tired of Hephaistion, Never, why do you ask such a thing."
"Well, you have your man servant; it seems that you might now let Hephaistion go, find his own lover. There are many men who would gladly take your place."
I watch as Hephaistion wrestles his way from under Cassander's grip
Pinning him down for the win
I glance around the growing circle of men
The look of lust on many faces
I notice's that Hephaistions chiton is high on his thighs
Exposing his shapely buttocks
"Phai is mine and mine alone; do the men think that my interest has waned?" I ask
"Yes, there is talk; of course no one would dare touch him until they were sure you had moved on." Ptolemy assured.
"Then I must extinguish their hope on this matter immediately." I announce
I stand
Walking over to Hephaistion
I grab his arm lifting it
I proclaim him the winner
I pull him into my chest
Hugging him close I whisper "Come, with me"
Hephaistion smiled.
I notice a slight bruise on his cheek
He must have gotten it during the wrestling match.
"Where to my King?" Hephaistion stated.
I led him over to a curtained off area situated near the wrestling arena
It was a small room sectioned off by thin cloth.
Candles have been left lit
They cast shadows of the people within the room.
I know that the men have seen me pull Hephaistion into the room.
"I have missed you" I whisper into Hephaistions ear
I kiss his neck and mouth.
Hephaistion is always willing
I kiss him deeply and run my hand up the back of his leg and buttocks.
I know Hephaistions body better than my own.
I pull off Hephaistions chiton and throw it in the corner
Kissing his neck and sucking on his earlobe
His body familiar, eager
I pull my own chiton off,
I come up behind Hephaistion
Making sure he is facing out towards the crowd.
I dip my hands in the oil left there by servants
Reaching one hand around his waist I take a hold of Hephaestion's cock
Stroking it at a slow pace
Taking my other hand I began to prepare him for my cock.
Hephaistion is leaning his head back onto my chest
His brilliant blue eyes closed blocking out the fact that the wrestling matches had ceased as now the men were watching the show behind the curtain.
I enter Hephaistion
Pushing in slowly
Pulling out half way
Pushing back in
Each time pulling Hephaistions cock in the same manner
He moans
He is speaking in Macedonian
"Faster my beloved"
"More" Hephaistion groaned.
I began to move faster
Grabbing his hips to control his movements
Digging my fingers into his flesh
Wanting to bruise him
Leave him marked.
Hephaistion takes his own cock in hand
I am pushing and pulling his hips
Driving him onto my cock
He moans
I encircle his waist with one arm
Pulling his face back with the other
I Whisper into his ear
"You are mine Phai, only I can give you this pleasure"
Alexander! Hephaistion yells out
He cum's his muscles contracting around my cock
Each spurt bringing forth my own climax
He relaxes up against me as I continue to thrust into him
Kissing his neck
Murmuring claims of never ending love
As I am cleaning up I notice Hephaistions forearm
There are small cuts, or slashes in a neat row from his elbow down to his wrist
Some already healing and leaving scars
Others looked fresh.
I grab his wrist
Pulling his arm so I might examine these cuts more closely
"What is this Hephaistion?" I ask
He yanks his arm back
Covering the cuts with his other hand
"They are nothing"
"Who did this to you" I demand
"No one Alexander"
He cannot look me in the eyes.
"Please Alex do not make a big deal of this" Hephaistions pleaded
"Is this because I have not spent time with you recently?"
"Are you trying to get my attention?"
"I will not have you manipulate me Hephaistion
"I will not allow you to make me feel guilty"
He can be tiresome
"NO, No Alexander" his face full of panic
He clutches the front of my chiton
His breath seemed labored.
"Shhhhhh Phai, I believe you."
I grab his hands and hold them
He is so needy lately
Only Hephaestion could ruin a good fuck
What the hell were those slashes from?
He has been nervous as of late
Hiding in his room
I do not have time for his insecurities'
I want to shake him scream at him to snap out of it
"Let's go out and enjoy the festivities" hoping it will calm him.
He looks relieved that I am ending the conversation
"I will get us some wine" he offers
I touch his face, nodding
Hephaistion
Alexander walks out and takes his place next to Ptolemy.
They began talking and then burst out laughing.
I walk over to where the wine was being served.
Clitus is standing near and smirks at me as I pour two glasses.
"Your little show has only made me want you more Hephaistion" Clitus snarled
"I have no idea what you are talking about Clitus can you just leave me alone for one night?" I exclaimed.
Clitus laughed evilly "faster my beloved" he says in the language of our birth.
I feel the blood leave my face
I looked around and see other knowing eyes on me.
I felt stupid for not knowing I was being watched.
I could feel the panic rising.
My most intimate moment saw by many.
I was humiliated.
I see Cassander off to the side with the others making a rude gesture, simulating a blow job.
The group all began to laugh.
I leave the wine and retreat into a dark corner making sure I was not followed by Clitus
Pulling out my knife
I had to stop
I could not
I will have to hide it better
I lifted my chiton cutting a deep line across my upper thigh, exhaling as I feel the pain and release.
The blood flowed down between my legs at a faster pace than I had anticipated.
The cut was deep I put my hand over the wound and feel the tension leave my body.
Holding tightly to the cut to slow the blood flow
It flowed out from between my fingers
I watch it
My heart slows
I feel almost giddy
I make my way to the outside area.
Grabbing some clay from the flowerbeds I pressed it into the wound to stop the bleeding and slowly make my way back.
I find the wine I had poured and make my way back to Alexander and safety.
Looking around I see Clitus staring at me but everyone else seemed occupied now by other entertainment.
I sit on the couch next to Ptolemy and Alexander.
Alexander encircled my waist and pulled me up against him.
I lay down under his arm closing my eyes wishing I was alone with him in his room.
I was a waken some time later by a smack on the ass from a now drunk Alexander.
Alerting me that the party had now dwindled down and I can go to my room to sleep.
Alexander has his arm around Bagoas who looks as if he is trying to hold him upright.
I was glad Alexander's attention was on Bagoas now.
He could be too rough for my tastes when he was drunk and would rather he seek out comfort from Bagoas during these times which seemed lately all too often.
I decided to go to the baths then, since everyone else were most likely sleeping off their drink. The baths were empty as I suspected and I removed my clothes and looked down at myself
The cut on my thigh had stopped bleeding and formed a scab.
My hips were bruised where Alexander had anchored himself to me during our earlier encounter.
Shame floods me
My left arm where I had been cutting myself looked somewhat gruesome in the light of the baths.
How stupid of me to not think anyone would notice.
It was a wonder Alexander looked at me at all.
Knowing I also have a bruise healing on my cheek from the backhand of Clitus after I had attempted earlier that week to punch him in the face for some comment or another.
It was probably a good thing that Alexander did not have the time for me.
I stepped into the water walking out until the water reaches my waist and then dive under.
It feels good on my aching muscles.
It had been a while since I had wrestled and Cassander was an equal opponent.
I swim up to the steps and sit on them to relax
Let the water surround me.
I leaned my head back with my eyes closed
"Would you like some company?" Clitus's voice sounded loud in the empty baths and startled me.
I regained my composure quickly not wanting to give Clitus the satisfaction.
My heart is pounding and my sense of fight or flight is activated.
"No, I came here at this time so I could be alone Clitus. Why are you not sleeping like the rest? I said in the calmest voice I could muster.
"I doubt your Alexander is sleeping, he is probably fucking his eunuch as we speak."Clitus spat.
"Your undivided love for Alexander mystifies me, since he in no way shows you the same devotion." Clitus informed me.
"Take tonight for instance, you must know that Alexander purposely fucked you to prove to his Generals that he could have more than one lover at a time, why else do you think he took you to the partitions and not to his room, He knew we could all see, you might as well have been fucked on the wrestling match floor."
I needed to leave.
I did not want to hear anymore from Clitus.
I slowly walk out of the pool knowing that Clitus was eyeing my naked body.
He purposely stood by my chiton.
I had forgotten to grab a towel and there were no servants awake.
I reached for my chiton hanging on a peg. Clitus grabs my wrist and turns it so he could examine my cuts.
I try to pull my hand back but he holds tight.
"What is this?" Clitus questioned
I do not know what he wants me to say,
He had put doubt in my mind about Alexander's motives and now he was asking me to confide in him.
I could feel myself begin to panic my heart racing
Pounding out of my chest
Am I going to die?
Here and now naked in front of Clitus?
I couldn't catch my breath;
This is what it must feel like right before you die.
I began to shake uncontrollably, gasping for air.
Clitus has a look of shock on his face as he watches me dying.
He still has a hold of my wrist and pulls me towards him.
He throws me over his shoulder and carries me out of the pool area.
Rushing down the hall to my room where he would no doubt rape me before I died.
I struggled lamely at this thought.
Clitus enters my room and throws me onto my bed grabbing the covers and folding them around me.
He placed his hands on my shoulders shaking me.
"Hephaistion!" Clitus shouted "Breath slowly" he ordered.
Taking a deep breath then blowing slowly out, repeating this until I began to follow suit.
We breathed in unison until I am no longer feeling the panic that had taken over me.
"My chiton is still at the pool" I said weakly.
What I was really concerned about was my special knife I had found it at the market in Babylon.
"Damn you Hephaistion, who gives a shit, what the Hades was that!" Clitus bellowed.
I had never seen Clitus so out of sorts, he was a seasoned warrior that did not show emotion it was the one thing I admired about him.
"I am going for Alexander" Clitus declared.
"No!" I shouted sitting up from my blanket cocoon.
"I am fine now, there is no need" I grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving the edge of the bed.
"Thank you Clitus, I am fine now"
I unfolded myself from the blankets and stood up, going towards my clothes chest I grabbed a chiton and pulled it over my head and began walking towards the door hoping Clitus would follow which he does.
"Are you going somewhere?" Clitus asked
"Yes, I need my things from the baths" I stated as I was walking towards the door.
"I will get them for you, Please go back to bed, It is too late, and I am too tired to witness another episode or whatever you want to call what just happened" Clitus said with exasperation.
I ignored him and continued to exit my room.
Clitus grab's my upper arm and pulls me back into my room, with his face inches from my own he growled
"Hephaistion, I will get your damn stuff, if you try to leave I will tie you to the bed"
I rolled my eyes and go back into my room. Sitting at the edge of the bed I stare at Clitus.
"Well?" I asked.
Clitus lets out a breath and stomps from the room.
I wait.
I needed that knife just having it with me gives me strength, makes me feel safe.
It seemed forever before Clitus returns throwing the chiton in my face he stands there watching me as I feel around for my blade.
"Are you looking for this?" Clitus asked holding the small jeweled knife in his hand.
"Give it to me Clitus" I said in a menacing voice.
"The blade is too small for protection Hephaistion" Clitus claimed as he examined it, pulling off the cover.
"This would only cut the skin it is not long enough to kill a man."
I could almost see the smoke coming out of Clitus's head as he tries to figure out the reason for such a knife.
I watch as he looks at me his eyes traveling to my arm.
I instinctually covered my cuts with my other hand giving myself away.
Clitus walks over to me, taking the arm that was layered in cuts, staring at them.
He runs a finger over a vicious scar, my first cut.
He places the knife in my hand and walks out of the room.
I exhaled not realizing that I had been holding my breath.
I wonder what Clitus will do with this new found information about me.