Okay, this is a Marco/Rachel story. I was hesitant to post it, especially as my first story, because the vast majority of Marco/Rachel stuff I've read has been waaaay out of character. Though there's probably some good stuff somewhere, and I'm going to find it someday. ^_^ Please don't let the pairing discourage you. ^^;;;
That was a little more introspective than he usually liked to get. He was, after all, the joker, and nothing was supposed to effect him. He'd made this role for himself, and now he was trapped in it, perfectly reciting his lines even when they stopped reflected how he felt.
He was shaken out of his thoughts when a horned owl landed in front of him, and slowly melted into Rachel, barefoot and in her morphing outfit. Marco couldn't help but chuckle. 'Probably the one Animorph who would best understand having to play a role,' he thought, looking up at her. "Hey, Xena" he said, good natured grin already in place. "To what do I owe this vist?"
"I was visiting Tobias," Rache explained, looking around Marco rather than at him. "On my way home, I saw you sitting her and moping, so I figured it was my duty to make sure you weren't suicidal or anything."
Marco snickered. "Moping?" he asked, looking amused and slightly surprised. "I wasn't moping. I was...reflecting. You know, thinking deep thoughts and all." To his surprise, she didn't have a scathing reply for that. She just nodded and wordlessly sat beside him on the fallen log he'd been perched on.
"So, what were you thinking about?"
Marco realized Rachel probably hadn't come here to check on him, but because she wanted some company. Especially since she felt like chatting, apparently. He shrugged and answered her question. "The war," he said simply. "How much we've all changed." She didn't respond, ad he took that as a cue to continue. "I worry about us sometimes. Well," he laughed, "a lot of the time." He paused, and when he started talking again, all traces of laughter were gone from his voice. "I mean, Jake...God. The things he has to cope with are ridiculous. Nobody should have the weight of the world on their shoulders, let alone some 15 year old kid. I mean, we've all been forced to take on a lot of responsibility, but sometimes I feel like ... we made a mistake when we made Jake our leader. Don't get me wrong, he's doing an great job ... But you've known him as long as I have, Rachel. You must see what's happening to him. It's like he's dying." Marco's voice broke then, and he took a moment to compose himself.
"And Cassie. That girl's conscience will probably be the end of her. I mean, we've made so many decisions that we live to regret. All of us. But we deal. We get over it and move on. And I don't know if Cassie ever gets over them. Her ideas on good and evil were so clear before this all began, and you can tell how hard it is for her to compromise those morals, even if it's neccessary. I'm scared for Cassie, that it's all just building up inside her, and leaving her less and less sure of where she stands. And it frustrates me, too, because I can look at her, and always see what a pure-hearted person she is, and I know all of us see it too, but she's stopped seeing herself like that. It's not fair."
Rachel wasn't looking at him, anymore. She was staring at the stars, and Marco could tell his assessment of her best friend have given her some things to think about.
"And then there's me." He continued. "I worry about myself, too. A great deal of that concern is because I very much do NOT want to be killed by Visser Three, which seems more likely every battle...But also, I worry about my mom, trapped by a goddamn slug somewhere, a million miles away where I can't help her. And I wonder what that's doing to me, y'know? I mean, I obviously feel different. But it's more than that. Everything's supposed to be a joke to me, and I miss that. Because lately, the world doesn't seem that funny.
"You know, I don't know that much about Ax, to be honest. It's weird, because I've fought with him so many times, and experienced so many normal, human things with him, too. But I can't look at him and just know what he's thinking, like with the rest of you. All I can tell about Ax is that he's a kid, like all of us, and he's desperately scared of this war. But because he's an Andalite, he feels like he's not allowed to be. Which is stupid, because we can all understand being scared. Even you, Xena. Ax has spent his whole life in the shadow of his brother, and now he's been put in a situation where he's developing his own sense of self, his own rules and morals, and it scares him silly. Because he doesn't think he's worthy, or capable, or whatever. I just wish I knew how to convince him otherwise."
Marco paused. Rachel obviously wanted him to continue. He wanted to continue too, since he rarely ever got to share these insights with other people. But it was nice being able to sit here with Rachel, without the two of them bickering, and he wasn't sure if he was about to mess that up.
"Oh man, there's also Tobias," he said, deciding to continue. "To be honest, sometimes I'm shocked at how well he deals with his situation. I mean, what happened to him scares me, and it's amazing how he manages to live as a hawk and still retain his humanity. Not that it's a big secret he kinda...let himself be trapped in hawk morph. Tobias has been through so much more than I could ever even comprehend. He never even got to know his parents. And I don't know all that much about his aunt and uncle, but they sounded like awful people. And God, his school life was even worse. Tobias must have grown up not feeling safe...anywhere. And this war hasn't done much for making any of us feel safe. Sometimes I wonder if he feels safe in the sky. I hope so. 'Cause it must really be tough being a lonely kid trapped as a hawk, with the love of some girl being the only thing keeping you human.
"Which brings us to you. Xena, Warrior Princess.I think you're really the biggest enigma of all. It's obvious that some part of you loves the war. But I doubt it's bloodthirsty, or vengeful, like Jake and the others think. Because you've always been strong and determined, and you've always stood up for the little guy. Like Tobias, back when he first moved here. Before Jake, or any of us met him. I remember seeing you walking with him, and thinking it was strange, that the queen of our school was spending so much time with that dweeb. Before I knew him, of course. And there's another thing that worries me about you. You were smart, and popular, and attractive. You lived the life every teenager wanted to. And now, you're struggling to have some semblance of a normal life. And I feel bad, because that must be hard. Especially with Bird-Boy as a boyfriend. He has you on this pedestal, Rachel. You represent all the humanness in him, and it's obvious he sees you as his saviour. I don't know how you could have a 'normal' relationship with him, when he expects that much of you. I can see the strain it puts on you, trying to be everything he needs, and it breaks my heart. Because Tobias has a broken life, and nobody can be everything he needs. The important thing is that you just be you, Rachel, and-" Marco cut off suddenly, realizing he'd said much more than he planned to. Cursing himself, he looked up again, to see Rachel crying.
Oh God. Rachel never cried. 'Please don't let me have made her cry,' he begged silently, stroking her hair. "Shh," he murmured, trying to keep his voice low and soothing. "Don't cry, Rachel. God, I'm sorry, please don't cry." He stayed there, not saying anything, until her sobs gradually subsided. He thought the conversation would be over, now that he'd screwed everything up, but Rachel seemed to still want to talk.
"I...I don't know how to deal with anything, anymore." she muttered, her voice so close to a whisper Marco had to strain to catch each word. "I care about Tobias, I love Tobias...God, why does everything have to be so hard?" Tears were streaming down her face, and Marco felt like the biggest jerk in the world for making her cry. But there was nothing he could do other than continue stroking her hair, and whispering soothing things.
'She's beautiful', he thought suddenly. It was a strange thing to think at the time, but she was. And her tears made her more beautiful, in a tragic kind of way. They made her beautiful in a more human sense, instead of the goddess she usually was. Without realizing it, he'd wrapped his arms around her in an effort to stop her tears, and was resting his chin on top of her head. Marco noted that sitting down, his head was a bit higher than Rachel's, it was just her impossibly long legs that made her taller.
"Don't cry," he said again, his own voice wavering from total frustration at what to do. "You're amazing, Rachel. I know you're confused, but if anyone can figure out what to do, it's you, Rachel, because you're so strong and-"
She kissed him.
His heart stopped beating. Several seconds went by as Marco sat there, completely stunned. Slowly, he responded, pressing his lips againts hers, making her sigh slightly.
This was wrong, Marco knew. Tobias was his teammate, his friend. Tobias needed Rachel, and she needed him, too.
He knew all of this, and still, when Rachel slid her tongue into his mouth, and deepened the kiss, he responded. He couldn't stop himself. Rachel had always been a complicated issue for him, but until he'd felt those velvety lips against his own, he'd never once thought he might love her.
And know he knew.
Even with this newly aquired knowledge, Marco stopped her as her hands slowly started sliding up his shirt. "You don't want this," he told her, knowing it was true. "You want Tobias. Only you're scared, because being with him is so complicated. But this-" he gestured to himself, and then to her. "This isn't right, Rachel."
"Ido want this!" Rachel exclaimed in frustration, still caught up in the moment. God, so did he. At that moment, Marco wanted nothing more than to sleep with Rachel. But still, he stopped her, exercising control he didn't think he'd be capable of. His hands were lightly wrapped around hers, and he just stared into those breathtaking blue eyes, shining with tears. Slowly, she slipped her hands away from his, and put them in her lap. They both sat there in silence, watching the stars.
It felt like an eternity.
"I guess you are a pretty perceptive guy, Marco." she said, breaking the silence. She kissed him again, only lightly on the cheek this time, and started to morph back to owl. She lifted off, and flapped away, wings moving in absolute silence.
He watched her fly away. And knew he wouldn't ever tell her how he felt.
Fin