It's all sorted now

Rated T.
Get into the wayback machine, we're going back to 25th of March, now! You all remember, don't you?
My take on what Aaron did or went through emotionally when he was away. Your guess is correct – it's far, far away from bliss. And remind yourself that Aaron's not very much into Jackson, yet, because it was hard reminding myself. As another reminder: This was written a long time ago. I think somewhere before the court case. In any case: It was a long time ago. It may not fit with current canon.

Aaron's hands were shaking as he turned the keys and got into the room. He could still feel his knuckles burning, although it was a few hours ago that he had rushed out of Smithy Cottage now. Everything else of his body was feeling numb, almost as if mist was covering the emotions, his nerves, his thoughts.

It wasn't really a surprise. He couldn't remember when he'd last had so much alcohol. The first thing he had done after storming out had been to get into the bus. His original plan had been to maybe return to his father, but as soon as he had cooled down he figured that this would not be a good idea. By then, he had already had no other choice than to get off in Hotten anyway. As he had gotten off the bus, he had felt alone, not the first time in his life, but it didn't make it any less painful.

He couldn't believe that he had actually admitted all those things to Paddy. Driven by guilt, he had told him all these strange things – like about Kyle, whom he had buried long ago in his mind. How could he have sunken that low?

The anger, the frustration and pain had just got him into the next pub. Not Bar West. He didn't want to see that bloody place ever again. How could he have let himself be caught in the act? No. Besides, it hadn't mattered where he had gone to. His main goal had been, for a change, to stop his feelings, to suppress and cover them until the physical pain was greater than the emotional.

He had got there. But still hadn't had a place to go to. First he thought he could just sleep anywhere, on the street, on a bank. He had done that before, although it was a while ago now. Then, in a spur of the moment, he had managed to get a hotel room, the one in which he was standing now. He couldn't even see it properly, just faintly acknowledged that it was shabby and unclean. It didn't matter to him. It was something, at least he didn't have to die on the streets. Not that it really mattered. His head was spinning anyway and he felt very close to death, or maybe even something worse.

He shoved his rucksack on the floor carelessly, kicked off his shoes to follow it. He didn't bother with anything else before he fell onto the bed which creaked under the weight. A few seconds he just lay there, the back of his hand resting on his forehead, breathing heavily, his mind practically empty. He felt strangely calmer now, the world stopped spinning, his body was relaxing.

This moment of content didn't last very long. After too little time, thoughts came creeping back to his head, memories, guilt, anger and despair. Paddy, lying on the ground, Adam's face close to his on that December night, images of lads kissing cheeks in that place, Kyle playing football...

It was all Adam's fault! Aaron had been able to ignore the sick fantasies, he'd had girlfriends, everything... and now Adam had ruined it. Part of him said it wasn't rational to say that, because obviously Adam hadn't done anything; Aaron had been the one to come on to him. But it was easier to blame him, to shove the guilt away, to make someone else take responsibility. To say it wasn't him, it wasn't his fault.

Adam. He would laugh now. Applause, applause, your answer was correct! He had said it, hadn't he? That Aaron was gay.

Yeah, mate, you've been right all along, Aaron thought bitterly, and yes, he'd have rather kissed Adam than hit him, or went away like he did in the end. But he couldn't have, he couldn't be like that. He hadn't been straight in his head back then... straight? Oh, wow, well put.

But Paddy... but Paddy had said it was alright. Aaron knew that Paddy cared about him, at least he had done before he had beaten him. He had assumed him to kick him out – he had already once been kicked out, so it had been clear for him. How could he have beaten Paddy? He had been the only person to ever care for him. Aaron had had respect for him – now, what was it now? Paddy knew he was gay, and he didn't mind. He even said it was okay, but Aaron knew it wasn't. Aaron had despised them. He had kicked them and humiliated them. How could he just turn into one of them? He couldn't just become what he'd never wanted to be. But he had! He had turned into all these things that Aaron had wished to never become. A person to be despised, to be hated, to be abandoned. His dad, his mum, even Adam, they'd all abandoned him, and he deserved it.

But Paddy hadn't. He'd said it was okay. Okay to make a move on your best mate, to think that Adam's lips were so very kissable, to wish that it wasn't Scarlett he was with, but him...

Aaron rubbed his face with his hands; his head was starting to get a little too dizzy. Too dizzy even to be scared or disgusted by the thoughts he was having, which was a very, very bad sign. He lay there, gazing at the ceiling through his fingers, but the image wasn't clear. His eyelids shut again.

This time, he couldn't stop himself. He had had these kinds of thoughts every now and then, but most of the time, he covered them up – anything to occupy his mind, really, including pornography. Even that felt better because he could pretend it was the girls that did it.

Now, it was just him, alone in a dark hotel room, shut away from the outer world through his skull, exposed to his thoughts without protection. Behind those eyelids, he couldn't switch off the pictures that kept rotating in his mind – what would it feel like to actually touch those lips? What would have happened if Adam hadn't backed off, if he had leant in instead...

Slowly, his hand had reached the zipper of his trousers. It didn't matter anymore. He gave up, he gave in. He had already been sitting there where the ice had cracked, now, with a desperate craving, he let himself drown in the icy water. Only that it didn't feel deadly, but safe.

The first thing Aaron noticed was pain. Everywhere, in his head, in his body, all over him, so bad that he couldn't even open his eyes immediately. When he finally managed to move, he was blinking into broad sunlight; he squinted to see properly. Then he realised that he was in an unfamiliar room.

It took a few moments for him to realise where he was, soon after that came the memories. He hit Paddy. He'd admitted to being gay. He'd run away. And then... he had landed here. As he tried to sit up, he noticed that his trousers were placed, very uncomfortably, about halfway through his thigh, unzipped. Other memories came back.

He tried to remain calm as he got out of them, then he hurried into the bathroom, into the shower. It was cold, but Aaron let the water pour over his body anyway. It cleared his head, at least to think properly, and his body began feeling okay. He still had a headache, but that would go away soon enough. It was an entirely different matter that he was concerned about just now.

He was pathetic. Aaron hadn't realised how despicable and loathsome he had become. Everything he had never wanted to be, a person that didn't deserve better than to be spat on. Aaron wanted to spit on himself, kick his own head in. It was the last bit of sense left in his head that stopped him from doing it.

How could his life continue like this? Something had to change, now, pronto. He couldn't take it. It couldn't be that hard to change. It shouldn't be. He could still go on. He didn't want to be that emotional, sick, helpless wreck he'd been yesterday. One should learn from one's mistakes, right? So he could change. He didn't want to become like that. Or, wait, since he had already become, he wanted to return to the way he was. Maybe he wasn't liked, but he wasn't disliked for that kind of reasons. Nobody could know – nobody should know that Aaron was such a weak person. He couldn't suddenly be gay, after kicking their kind's heads in for his whole life. He wouldn't let himself be.

And nobody would find out. And if Aaron wanted any chance that Paddy had not yet gone around the village and told everybody, he needed to go back, now. He would say he was sorry. He would say that he never wanted to hurt him. And go back to living a normal life. His life, the one thing in his life that he could at least decide which end he would get – and he wasn't going to pick the wrong side. Nobody needed to know, or care, about what had happened here. Whatever Paddy said... he wasn't going to be what Paddy wanted to force him into. Never.

As he looked into the mirror on the wall, his determination rose. It was all sorted now. He was glad he had come here and not remained with Paddy. Now, he finally was back on track again. He could forget about adventurous trips to strange pubs or disastrous feelings for his mate. He would force himself to if he needed. But he wouldn't grow weak, he wouldn't let his guards down, not again, not like this.

As he got changed, pulling a blue shirt over his head, his mind had been set. He wouldn't let go of the walls he had built all these years. It was sorted, and it was good.