Way back when I was just a little bitty Canadian living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Tim Hortons -
You know the place -
Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy.
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My father would get me a big ol' bottle of maple syrup for breakfast.
Awww, big bottle of maple syrup
Every single mornin' -
It was driving me crazy.
I said to my dad,
I said, "Hey, dad, what's up with all the maple syrup?"
And my dear sweet father,
He just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train,
And he leaned right down next to me,
And he said,
"IT MAKES YOU SMART!"
And then he tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth,
And force-fed me nothing but maple syrup until I was 36-and-a-half years old.
That's when I swore that someday,
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical far-away place,
Where death is always imminent and the air smells like a recent explosion,
And Zelenka's hair is, oh, so fluffy,
Where the Satedans and the Athosians spar with their batons all day long,
And anyone in the halls will gladly punch you in face if you ask them.
Wacka wacka doodoo, yeah.
Well, let me tell you, imbeciles, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true,
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of dreadlocks in Ronon's hair.
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize.
That's right, a one-way Daedalus ticket to…
… Atlantis,
Atlantis!
Oh, yeah.
You know, I'd never been on a real spaceship before,
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great,
Except that I had to sit between two large American soldiers with excruciatingly small brain capacities,
And the Asgard in the back of me kept glaring at me the whole time.
The dining hall served only American beer and lemonade,
And nobody would appreciate a good Star Trek reference,
And, oh, yeah, three of the starship engines burned out,
And we seared through the atmosphere and crashed into the ocean,
And the ship exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died,
Except for me.
You know why?
'Cause I hid like a coward
In the 302 bay and then ejected,
Hid like a coward
In the 302 bay and then ejected,
Hid like a coward,
In the 302 bay and then ejected.
Ah ha ha ha,
Ah ha ha,
Ahhhh.
So I swam from the twisted, burnin' wreckage.
I propelled myself with my arms and legs for three full days,
Pullin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag,
And my stash of power bars and my twelve-pack of Moosehead Light,
And a photo of my own precious special sweet little tabby cat,
But finally I arrived at the galaxy-famous Atlantis, City of the Ancients,
Where Zelenka's hair is, oh, so fluffy!
And you can kiss your Chief Medical Officer right on the mouth if you wanna.
It's OK. He's clean.
Well, I resigned to my quarters and I turned down the thermostat,
And I put on the Star Trek series,
And I'm just about to drink my beer and eat that stash of power bars
That I love so very, very much when, suddenly, there's a knock on the door.
Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?"
No answer.
"Who is it?"
There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT?!"
They're not sayin' anything!
So, finally, I go over and I open the door and, just as I suspected,
It's some big fat Wraith Queen with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
(Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.)
So, anyway, she bursts into my room and she grabs my precious picture,
And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that.
"That kitty's been just like a snorkel to me."
And she's like, "Tough."
And I'm like, "Give it."
And she's like, "Make me."
And I'm like, "'Kay"
So I grabbed her leg and she grabbed my esophagus,
And I bit off her ear and she chewed off my eyebrows,
And I took out her appendix and she gave me a colonic irrigation -
Yes, indeed, you'd better believe it -
And somehow, in the middle of it all, my headset got turned on,
And, twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice,
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said.
It said,
"This is Weir, Dr. McKay. You have triggered city-wide.
"Please fix this now or John will surely come and punch you.
"Don't make me say this twice. You have triggered city-wide.
"Please fix this now 'cause John is on his way to punch you,"
In Atlantis!
Atlantis.
Well, to cut a long story short, she got away with my picture,
But I made a solemn vow, right then and there, that I would not rest,
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled Queen was brought to justice,
But, first, I decided to buy some donuts.
So I left my quarters and I walked over to the cafeteria,
And I walked on up to the server behind the counter,
And he says, "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said, "You got any lemon-free donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta lemon-free donuts."
I said, "Well, you got any orange-free donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta orange-free donuts."
I said, "You got any tangerine-free donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta tangerine-free donuts."
I said, "You got any grapefruit-free cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta grapefruit-free cinnamon rolls."
I said, "You got any lime-free apple fritters?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta lime-free apple fritters."
I said, "You got any power bars?"
He said, "Wait a minute. I'll go check."
"NAH, we're outta power bars."
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed Iratus bugs."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the bugs jump out,
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.
Oh, man, they were just going nuts.
They were tearin' my life force apart,
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head.
I believe it went a little something like this….
Ahhhh!
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off me!
Ohhhh!
No, get 'em off! Get 'em off!
Ohhhh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, get 'em off me.
Ohhhh, my God.
Ah!
I ran out into the hall with these life-sucking bugs all over my face,
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated wiener dog,
And, as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams.
Her name was Keller.
She was a medical doctor with really big eyes and hair the color of strained peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me.
She said,
"Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love.
We were inseparable after that.
Aw, we fought together; we got shot together;
We even shared the same bed in the infirmary.
The world was our burrito.
So we got married and we got shared quarters,
And had two beautiful children - Samuel and Samantha.
Oh, we were so very, very, very happy, aw, yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Keller said to me,
She said, "Sweetie pumpkin, do you wanna join the Mile High Club?"
I said, "Whoa, hold on now, baby!
"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment."
So we broke up and I never saw her again,
But that's just the way things go…
… in Atlantis!
Atlantis.
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me,
Because, about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream.
That's right - I proved my mental superiority to Radek Zelenka.
I even made genius of the month after I put out that electrical fire with his face.
Aw, yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that.
I was gettin' a lot more attitude.
OK, like one time, I was in the infirmary,
Tryin' to remove a splinter I had with a surgical scalpel,
When I see this guy Carson tryin' to solve a mathematical algorithm all by himself.
So I, I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Carson, he just rolls his eyes and goes,
"Noooo, I want you to pin me to the wall and rip all my clothes off."
So I didn't.
And then he gets all indignant on me.
He's like, "Hey, man, I wasn't being sarcastic,"
Which was great,
'Cause I already knew that,
'Cause I'm a mind reader, for cryin' out loud!
Besides, now we've got unresolved sexual tension,
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote.
This Wraith comes up to me off-world and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three whole weeks.
Well, I knew what he meant,
But just to be a smartass, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein,
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over,
And I'm like, "Hey, come on. Don'tcha get it?"
But he just kept rolling around on the ground, bleeding and screaming,
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation.
Man, some aliens just don't have the brains, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK,
Anyway, I, I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it,
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is…
… I.
HATE.
MAPLE SYRUP!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say,
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt,
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence,
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called…
… Atlantis!
Atlantis!
Atlantis. (Atlantis.)
Atlantis. (Atlantis.)
Atlantis. (Atlantis.)
Atlantis. (Atlantis.)
I said, "A." (A.)
"T." (T.)
"L." (L.)
"A." (A.)
"..."
"'lantis!" ('lantis!)
Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis,
Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis,
Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis.
Atlantis!
Eh?