For Aze.
I could go on about all the things that don't make me feel the way you used to. I'd be spewing shit about everything I see in my crappy little car. I don't know why I'm sitting in the front seat of my Sedan. The passenger seat isn't the way it used to be. Do you remember that, Kyle? The way I got all hot because you were jacking me off made it so warm that we didn't care the heater was broken. That was how it was with us. We weren't too rich, but we got by with each other, right? You made me forget how fucking cold the world could be, you know that? You made me feel really nice. Not that it matters, since you're not here anymore and I'm just using you to make myself feel worse than I already do.
I don't remember exactly why you left, but I remember that you did. I can remember how you bought yourself another crappy little car and drove off all dramatic-like, with me standing in the rain and all that angst-bullshit. I guess it was about time you realized you could do better than pathetic Stan Marsh. Your taillights were all I could see through the thickness of the raindrops. I think I was crying, and I was hoping you were too. But you probably weren't.
It's raining right now, just like when you left.
Just so you know, I don't just randomly think about you sometimes. The landlord was asking for the receipt from last month's rent and I was looking through those folders I told you didn't need labeling. We took a lot of dumb pictures, didn't we? Us kissing and hugging, and I remember you used to take pictures of me in the mornings after we fucked because you thought I looked cute. I guess that triggered all this venting now. I never got to do this since you left.
You know I actually had to remind myself not to think about you? That was the only way I could keep on. I'm sad like that, because I needed to tell myself that there was such a thing as a life without you.
I don't blame you for anything. I'm bitter, sure; disappointed and regretful too. I'm kind of okay with that. I'm not asleep every time I should be, but no one really is. And it's not your fault, Kyle. I'm pretty sure this is how it's supposed to work, but the more I told myself that we never really had it, the more I realized we didn't. I don't know if I'm just really good at psyching myself out or whatever, but I honestly believe there was never any love between us.
Doesn't that suck though? We'd known each other our whole lives and we were supposed to get the perfect life package with each other.
I'll admit I wasn't the very best boyfriend a guy could have. I'd apologize, but I don't think it matters anymore. You've probably found your better life and better job and house and boyfriend, because you're Kyle Broflovski and you kind of deserve it.
I'd be happy for you, except that I don't really care about you anymore.
Not even enough to hate you.
It's really no one's fault. I'm not going to try finding something if it was never there all along.