Holding tight onto his iconic green hood, Victor Von Doom jumped out of the portal onto a bed of grass. His stomach churned; his spine ached. He stuck the remote into his pocket before pulling out the bottle of aspirin.

"Dammit. Only one pill left." The directions on the side of the bottle said to start with one pill, but we all know that's grade-A bullcrap. If you want to get rid of the pain, you gotta go double or nothing.

Doom dropped the pill into his mouth, where it just sort of jumped around on his tongue until he opened his water bottle and flooded his oral cavity.

With his aches and pains self-medicated, Doom finally took a moment to analyze his scenery. It was a bright and sunny day, too bright for Doom, who firmly believed in the therapeutic benefits of a dimly lit throne room. In front of Doom was a sandy beach which led into a gorgeous, blue ocean.

Doom then turned around and entered a bustling town, where all the men were tan, sweaty, and knife-happy, and all the women were tan, sweaty, and employed in the prostitution business. Twelve-year-olds ran across the streets with bottles of wine in their hands. Senior citizens smoked pipes, full of Odin knows what. There were no cars, no smart phones, no modern technology. Doom saw a few horses galloping across the streets, while a fruit vendor was playing Russian roulette with his grandma. Within two minutes, Grandma won.

"Shit, I should probably conquer this place," Doom whispered to himself. This little island town had clearly gone to hell, and the ruler of Latveria thought he could probably save a few children by becoming the benevolent dictator of the place.

"GRRRMMMBBBLLLEEE!"

"What was that?" Doom pondered. He thought maybe some otherworldly beast was about to jump out of the hair salon like the Kool-Aid man.

"GRRRMMMBBBLLLEEE!"

"I swear to gods, if I-" Before Doom could finish his rant, he finally realized the source of the sound. It was his own stomach. Before jumping through the portal, Doom had only eaten a 100-calorie granola bar. He told himself that he would get something to eat once he got back to his own dimension, but Doom could wait no longer. He looked up and saw a building with a sign that read "Dimitri's Ocean Gyros." Doom had a gyro once during his nephew's bar mitzvah. He enjoyed the lamb flavor quite a bit. So, he walked into the eatery to grab himself a quick bite.

When Doom walked into the building, he saw a huge mass of lamb meat hanging on a rotating stick. The cook, presumably the one called "Dimitri", carved thin slices off the meaty behemoth. The line was short, and Doom was ready for lunch.

Standing in front of Doom was a lanky fellow wearing a straw hat. "Oh, good," Doom thought. "A skinny guy. It's not gonna be like standing behind the fat guy in line at McDonald's."

Dimitri called the straw hat guy to the front of the counter. "Yo. What you want?"

"MEAT!" the straw hat guy shouted in an extremely high-pitched voice: like dragging one's nails across the chalkboard, taking a recording of the action, then speeding it up in a sound editor.

"What kind of meat?"

"Um, the lamb, I guess."

"You want it in the pita bread?" Dimitri asked patiently.

"Doesn't matter to me," the lanky fellow screeched. "I just want a ton of meat!"

Dimitri trimmed off a few slices of lamb, dropping them on top of a warm pita bread. "Excellent," Doom said in his head. "There should be plenty for me."

"Is that good for you?" Dimitri asked Mr. Straw Hat.

"Nope!" The customer looked eager. "I want more!"

"Okay, pal," Doom thought. "Don't make this too long."

Dimitri brought three thin lamb slices down onto the pita bread. "Is that enough yet?"

"Keep going," Mr. Straw Hat demanded in his helium-jacked voice.

"Now, wait a minute," Doom spoke up. "Don't forget that there might be other customers coming in who want some of that lamb meat."

Dimitri passed a thoughtful glance onto Doom before looking back at Mr. Straw Hat. "Captain Tin Face has a point here." Doom gave a nod of approval. "I can't just deprive the rest of my customers because one hungry guy-"

The guy in the straw hat dropped a huge burlap sack full of gold and jewelry on Dimitri's counter. "You were saying?"

Dimitri's eyes bulged. He raised his knife and went back to work on the lamb. "The customer is always right! Just tell me when to stop."

Dimitri carved another slice of the hunk of meat. "More," Mr. Straw hat demanded. Dimitri continued carving. "You're gonna have to do better than that." The lamb was down to half of its original size as a tower of meat slices grew on top of the pita bread.

Dimitri kept on carving until finally, Mr. Straw Hat said, "that's good enough." Dimitri handed him the meat mountain, while taking the bag of treasure. Straw Hat then made his way to the dining tables. Doom looked at where there was once lamb on a stick, and instead, he just saw... a stick.

"Son of a bitch," Doom muttered. He turned around to confront the meat-hogger. "Do you think you could share a piece or two of..."

Sitting by himself at the table, the man in the straw hat had a huge flesh balloon where his toned belly had once been. On his table was a paper plate with the pita bread fully intact; the meat had disappeared.

"THAT'S IT!" Doom screamed in his menacing Doom-y voice. "JUST WHO IN THE GODS' NAMES DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, STEALING A LUNCH FROM THE GLORIOUS DOOM?!"

The fellow in the straw hat unleashed an ear-bleeding belch. "Me?" He sprouted a sleepy-eyed smirk. "You're looking at Monkey D. Luffy, the future King of the Pirates."

Doom looked at Luffy as if he was a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. "King of the Pirates? What the hell is that?" Luffy drifted towards slumber. "DON'T IGNORE ME, PEASANT!"

"I don't have time for this." Luffy picked his gut off the table, stood up, and walked towards the door.

"Oh no, you don't." Doom threw a blast of green energy, burning a wide hole through Luffy's body. The straw hat pirate dropped to the floor, face-first, barely-digested lamb flowing out of his corpse.

Just kidding. That's not what happened. The green energy pushed Luffy's backside forward, before it snapped back into formation like a rubber band. The green energy flew black in Doom's direction, just barely missing his face.

Unfortunately, the green energy did not miss Dimitri's face.

The following fight between Victor Von Doom, M.D. and Monkey D. Luffy lasted a hearty 2 hours and 15 minutes, and while I don't have enough time to describe everything that happened in that fight, there are a few highlights which I'll list here:

1. Shooting a beam of energy across the walls, Doom caused the roof to fall down on the restaurant. Luckily, he and Luffy escaped the wreckage. The other people in the restaurant? Well, uh...

2. Luffy turned himself into a giant slingshot and shot watermelons at Doom. Technically, he didn't pay for the melons, but the vendor had already lost a game of Russian roulette to his grandma.

3. Doom stole a horse and did laps around the fountain in the center of the city. From atop his horse, he shot energy blasts at Luffy, who dodged the attacks by using his rubber arms to play Spider-Man across the rooftops.

Of course, the fight ended like all these sorts of confrontations conclude: with Doom and Luffy bumping fists in a clash that created a massive shockwave throughout the town, shattering glass, flipping carts over, and putting a few horses out of commission.

"Okay," Doom muttered. "That's enough." Victor Von Doom fell to the ground. He pulled a remote out of his pocket, typed in a code-reedsux420-and a swirling, purple portal opened up.

Doombot-23 was having the time of his life. He poured himself a toasty glass of motor oil and turned on the latest Adele album. Just as he was about to sit down and open his copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Wedding, that goddamn portal opened, and J.K. Rowling's latest act of desperation fell to the ground.

The good old Doctor walked out of the portal, groaning, walking with a limp. "Oh, Lord Doom!" Doombot-23 jolted back into loyal servant position. "I was just-"

"Shut up, 23. I don't care." Lord Doom dropped the remote on the ground and stomped it into a pile of wires and circuits. He then took a seat on the couch and picked up the oil mug.

Doombot-23 lifted his index finger. "Um, Lord Doom..."

"What, 23?!" The glorious dictator of Latveria looked at his robotic servant's face with a pair of eyes that could burn holes through the center of the Earth.

"Never mind." Doombot-23 walked back to the kitchen as his master took a sip of motor oil.

"Damn, 23. I didn't know you liked your coffee black."