Interview With Some Harry Potter People
By Keika no Kaiyou
(Jade is J, Keika is K, others are a surprise)
(Jade sits down in plush chair and stares intently at the camera)
J: I am Sailor Jade, Evil Talk Show Host of the Negaverse. Prepare to die.
K: JADE! We want these viewers to WATCH the show, not turn it off.
J: (Looking blank) There's a difference?
K: SHUT UP AND INTERVIEW THE FIRST PERSON!
J: Fine. (Sulks) Come out first person.
(Draco Malfoy walks out of stage)
(Keika turns on applause machine since there is no audience)
D: Yes, yes, I know you love me!
J: Who are you!?
D: (Looks shocked) You don't know!? I'm Draco Malfoy.
J: Who?
(Keika throws the first four Harry Potter books at her sister)
K: THE BLOND VILLAIN DUDE!
J: Really?
K: Really.
J: Jeeze! I thought he'd be..... taller.....
D: I'M TALLER THEN YOU!
J: So? You're not taller then my hundred foot giant friend, George.
(George stamps on stage)
G: Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English mon!
J: You're British?
D: No, I'm Antarican.
J: Cool. When you go home, say hello to the penguins. NOW ONTO THE INTERVIEW! Draco, can I call you Draco?
D: No.
J: TOO BAD!!!! Draco, what would you say if I destroyed you this very minute, blowing you up into tiny, tiny, bitty, pieces?
D: ............... Ow?
J: Too dull. You're safe for now. NEXT QUESTION! Are you gay or straight? The world needs to know.
D: (Blinks) Uhhh.... It's a secret?
J: You really are boring! MOVING RIGHT ALONG! If you could classify yourself which would you be: Leather Pants Draco, Fluffy Draco, Evil Draco, Sex-Crazed Draco, Stupid Draco, Obsessing Draco, Snob Draco, Jumping-Up and Down Draco, Being Eaten by the Squid Draco, Standing on his Head Draco, Insane Lackey Draco, Footrest Draco, or Blown up by Potter Supporters Draco?
D: Are you sane?
J: No. Answer the question.
D: I would be...... Leather Pants Draco.
J: (Stares at him) NOW you will die.
D: What!? NO!!! *Beep* IT! (blinks) Wait...... did I just say Beep?
K: That was the handy work of our censors, Mr. Godo and Mr. Lemley. They're just *Beeps*. Ignore them if you can.
D: Censors?
J: To make sure we don't have too much fun. Now, if you'd please shut up and prepare to die like the cowardly *Beep* you are.
D: Wait! If your censors can't let you have too much fun then they can't let you kill me! You'd enjoy yourself too much!
K: He has a point.
J: *Beep* his point! I want to blow someone up!
K: Go blow up that evil alien space fleet that always hovering over our house. They keep on stealing our peas.
J: HOW DARE THEY!!!!!! (Runs off to go blow up evil alien space fleet) DIE YOU SQUIRREL LOVING CHICKENS!
K: (Sits down in Jade's chair) As Jade is gone I'll conduct this interview until she returns. Or blows up the Earth. Whichever comes first.
D: Will you try to kill me too?
K: No.
D: Thank god....
K: I'll just make you watch Barney, the Teletubbies, and Blue's Clues until you're a blubbering, pop star worshiping, nerd.
D: Could I have Jade continue this?
K: No, she's too busy trying to convince the Pentagon that she'd evil incarnate. I think she's nearly done it this time! Now for your next question..... Will you go out with my little sister?
D: (Sweatdrops) Is she a psychopath?
K: Legally, no. I think so though.
D: Does she want to destroy me or otherwise harm me?
K: No. She worships you.
D: Just as dangerous. Does she have some sort of horrible disease?
K: None that I haven't given her.
D: Do I have a choice?
K: (Begins laughing) *Beep* no! You'll pick her up at 7.
D: (Sighs heavily) Yes, master.
V: HOW DARE YOU CALL SOMEONE OTHER THEN *I*, THE GREAT VOLDEMORT, MASTER! PREPARE TO DIE!
J: Be silent, Tommy. I'm hunting an evil alien space fleet that hovers over my house and steals our peas. If you scare them off I'll be forced to spank you.
V: Yes master. (Slinks off)
D: Did You-Know-Who just.....
K: Don't think about it. It's safer that way.
J: *Beep* straight it is! Thinking is dangerous for anyone! There should be a law against thinking! (Thinks for a moment) When I take over the world I'll pass a law like that.....
K: Good for you.
J: (Kicks Keika out of her seat) ON WITH THE INTERVIEW FROM *Beep*!!!!!!!! Draco, which do you prefer; Boxers or Briefs?
D: (Sweatdrops) Well actully......
S: (Runs in) My Slytherin (the true rulers of the wizarding world and the greatest things since sliced bread) Student will not answer that question to a insignificant Muggle! That is a Slytherin (the true rulers of the wizarding world and the greatest things since sliced bread) rule! Since you are not a Slytherin (the true rulers of the wizarding world and the greatest things since sliced bread) you can not know that answer!!
K: IT'S SNAPE!!!! (glomps onto him) Will you teach me how to make potions.
S: (Tries to run away) AHHHHHHHH!!!!! MUGGLE COOTIES!!!!
K: Plllleeeeaaaasssseeeee!? I need to know how to poison Jade if the need ever arrives!
J: Hey! (Thinks a moment) Aww, forget it, I have the bombs planted around your room if you ever become a problem anyway.....
(Snape breaks down in crying hysterics as Keika continues to hang onto his legs)
(Jade pulls out a video camera)
J: (Whistling) The things I see in my spare time.....
D: Can I go now?
J: NO! The set hasn't caught on fire, nobody's died, and Mr. Lemley and Mr Godo haven't become Kentucky Fried Chicken yet. You can't leave until that's all happened!
D: Why?
J: (Shrugs) Dunno. Tradition I guess.
D: Can I set the set on fire so I can leave faster?
J: Sure.
(Draco sets the set on fire and leaves)
D: (Muttering to himself) Got to go get some flowers for that date of mine......
K: (Lets go of Snape) *Beep* it! The set's on fire! AGAIN!!!
J: I hope you remembered to uninstall that uninstallable host proof fire glass.
K: You mean that one that's guaranteed to trap all flames, smoke, and hosts inside the set for all time?
J: That would be the one.
K: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!
J: I was? (Looks at 'To Do' List) Well, you're right! Here it is right between 'discover cure for cancer' and 'don't tell anyone the cure'................. We're *Beeped* aren't we?
K: (Starts banging on glass) LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
(Snape slips through a plot hole and vanishes)
J: *Beep* plot holes. Why can't I slip through one and be safe for once? (Pulls out rocket launcher) DIE GLASS WINDOW OF DOOM!
(Explosion)
(Window is still there)
K: (Glares at Jade) (Is smoking slightly and black) IT'S ESCAPE PROOF YOU DUMMY!
J: Ahhh.... I see.... Actully, I can't. The smoke is blocking off all sense of my vison.
K: Me too. (Punches Jade)
J: Ow! What did you do that for!?
K: To remind you, no matter what, that this was all your fault and that I'll hate you forever for it.
J: I hate you too.
(Jade finds a loop hole and vanishes)
K: *Beep* IT!!!!
(Mr. Godo and Mr. Lemley randomly turn into Kentucky Fried Chicken since they haven't have any lines and they're losers)
(Ashitare appears and eats Kentucky Fried Teachers)
A: ROAR!
(Ashitare vanishes)
K: Why do I feel that flames consuming me would be a good idea?
(A tub of Monkey Butter hops by along with a floating 4th dimensional being and a ramen eating ork. Skeletons dance in the flames as all the people who'd ever lost in the presidential election appear and sing the blues. Al Gore begins to sing 'Heatbreak Hotel')
K: ......................
(Keika pulls window open and leaves)
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione runs in)
Ha: Are we late for our interviews!?
He: Of course we are, half wit! Can't you see the set's already on fire!?
R: Gee Hermione, just because we're dumber then you....
He: Damn straight you are!
V: HARRY POTTER! I WILL NOW..... Oh what's the point? My life's a wreak anyway....
R: Ohmygawd! It's You-Know-Who!
V: Oh of course! No one knows my name! (Begins sobbing)
Ha: Poor Voldemort! If it helps any, I forgive you for murdering my parents.
V: (Sniffles) Really?
Ha: Really. Why did you kill them anyway?
V: (Shrugs) Can't remember. Those two were so dull it's hard to remember them.... Sorta like you....
(Mob of zombies run in and carry off Voldemort through the Porta-John)
R: Odd....
He: Really? It took you that long to realize that something odd was going on!
R: Well....
(Hermione leaves in disgust)(Later she joins the group of 'So Much Smarter Then You'll Ever Be' and is run over at the next zebra crossing)
(Ron and Harry look around)
Ha: Do you think we should leave this burning building?
R: No, actually I like it here.....
(Ron is crushed by a flaming support beam)
Ha: (Sweatdrops) I'll be going now.
(Leaves and is torn apart by 'The Universal Lovers of Draco')
The End
(No Audrey, I was not on drugs. I was up until 2 in the morning writing this. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!!)
By Keika no Kaiyou
(Jade is J, Keika is K, others are a surprise)
(Jade sits down in plush chair and stares intently at the camera)
J: I am Sailor Jade, Evil Talk Show Host of the Negaverse. Prepare to die.
K: JADE! We want these viewers to WATCH the show, not turn it off.
J: (Looking blank) There's a difference?
K: SHUT UP AND INTERVIEW THE FIRST PERSON!
J: Fine. (Sulks) Come out first person.
(Draco Malfoy walks out of stage)
(Keika turns on applause machine since there is no audience)
D: Yes, yes, I know you love me!
J: Who are you!?
D: (Looks shocked) You don't know!? I'm Draco Malfoy.
J: Who?
(Keika throws the first four Harry Potter books at her sister)
K: THE BLOND VILLAIN DUDE!
J: Really?
K: Really.
J: Jeeze! I thought he'd be..... taller.....
D: I'M TALLER THEN YOU!
J: So? You're not taller then my hundred foot giant friend, George.
(George stamps on stage)
G: Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English mon!
J: You're British?
D: No, I'm Antarican.
J: Cool. When you go home, say hello to the penguins. NOW ONTO THE INTERVIEW! Draco, can I call you Draco?
D: No.
J: TOO BAD!!!! Draco, what would you say if I destroyed you this very minute, blowing you up into tiny, tiny, bitty, pieces?
D: ............... Ow?
J: Too dull. You're safe for now. NEXT QUESTION! Are you gay or straight? The world needs to know.
D: (Blinks) Uhhh.... It's a secret?
J: You really are boring! MOVING RIGHT ALONG! If you could classify yourself which would you be: Leather Pants Draco, Fluffy Draco, Evil Draco, Sex-Crazed Draco, Stupid Draco, Obsessing Draco, Snob Draco, Jumping-Up and Down Draco, Being Eaten by the Squid Draco, Standing on his Head Draco, Insane Lackey Draco, Footrest Draco, or Blown up by Potter Supporters Draco?
D: Are you sane?
J: No. Answer the question.
D: I would be...... Leather Pants Draco.
J: (Stares at him) NOW you will die.
D: What!? NO!!! *Beep* IT! (blinks) Wait...... did I just say Beep?
K: That was the handy work of our censors, Mr. Godo and Mr. Lemley. They're just *Beeps*. Ignore them if you can.
D: Censors?
J: To make sure we don't have too much fun. Now, if you'd please shut up and prepare to die like the cowardly *Beep* you are.
D: Wait! If your censors can't let you have too much fun then they can't let you kill me! You'd enjoy yourself too much!
K: He has a point.
J: *Beep* his point! I want to blow someone up!
K: Go blow up that evil alien space fleet that always hovering over our house. They keep on stealing our peas.
J: HOW DARE THEY!!!!!! (Runs off to go blow up evil alien space fleet) DIE YOU SQUIRREL LOVING CHICKENS!
K: (Sits down in Jade's chair) As Jade is gone I'll conduct this interview until she returns. Or blows up the Earth. Whichever comes first.
D: Will you try to kill me too?
K: No.
D: Thank god....
K: I'll just make you watch Barney, the Teletubbies, and Blue's Clues until you're a blubbering, pop star worshiping, nerd.
D: Could I have Jade continue this?
K: No, she's too busy trying to convince the Pentagon that she'd evil incarnate. I think she's nearly done it this time! Now for your next question..... Will you go out with my little sister?
D: (Sweatdrops) Is she a psychopath?
K: Legally, no. I think so though.
D: Does she want to destroy me or otherwise harm me?
K: No. She worships you.
D: Just as dangerous. Does she have some sort of horrible disease?
K: None that I haven't given her.
D: Do I have a choice?
K: (Begins laughing) *Beep* no! You'll pick her up at 7.
D: (Sighs heavily) Yes, master.
V: HOW DARE YOU CALL SOMEONE OTHER THEN *I*, THE GREAT VOLDEMORT, MASTER! PREPARE TO DIE!
J: Be silent, Tommy. I'm hunting an evil alien space fleet that hovers over my house and steals our peas. If you scare them off I'll be forced to spank you.
V: Yes master. (Slinks off)
D: Did You-Know-Who just.....
K: Don't think about it. It's safer that way.
J: *Beep* straight it is! Thinking is dangerous for anyone! There should be a law against thinking! (Thinks for a moment) When I take over the world I'll pass a law like that.....
K: Good for you.
J: (Kicks Keika out of her seat) ON WITH THE INTERVIEW FROM *Beep*!!!!!!!! Draco, which do you prefer; Boxers or Briefs?
D: (Sweatdrops) Well actully......
S: (Runs in) My Slytherin (the true rulers of the wizarding world and the greatest things since sliced bread) Student will not answer that question to a insignificant Muggle! That is a Slytherin (the true rulers of the wizarding world and the greatest things since sliced bread) rule! Since you are not a Slytherin (the true rulers of the wizarding world and the greatest things since sliced bread) you can not know that answer!!
K: IT'S SNAPE!!!! (glomps onto him) Will you teach me how to make potions.
S: (Tries to run away) AHHHHHHHH!!!!! MUGGLE COOTIES!!!!
K: Plllleeeeaaaasssseeeee!? I need to know how to poison Jade if the need ever arrives!
J: Hey! (Thinks a moment) Aww, forget it, I have the bombs planted around your room if you ever become a problem anyway.....
(Snape breaks down in crying hysterics as Keika continues to hang onto his legs)
(Jade pulls out a video camera)
J: (Whistling) The things I see in my spare time.....
D: Can I go now?
J: NO! The set hasn't caught on fire, nobody's died, and Mr. Lemley and Mr Godo haven't become Kentucky Fried Chicken yet. You can't leave until that's all happened!
D: Why?
J: (Shrugs) Dunno. Tradition I guess.
D: Can I set the set on fire so I can leave faster?
J: Sure.
(Draco sets the set on fire and leaves)
D: (Muttering to himself) Got to go get some flowers for that date of mine......
K: (Lets go of Snape) *Beep* it! The set's on fire! AGAIN!!!
J: I hope you remembered to uninstall that uninstallable host proof fire glass.
K: You mean that one that's guaranteed to trap all flames, smoke, and hosts inside the set for all time?
J: That would be the one.
K: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!
J: I was? (Looks at 'To Do' List) Well, you're right! Here it is right between 'discover cure for cancer' and 'don't tell anyone the cure'................. We're *Beeped* aren't we?
K: (Starts banging on glass) LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
(Snape slips through a plot hole and vanishes)
J: *Beep* plot holes. Why can't I slip through one and be safe for once? (Pulls out rocket launcher) DIE GLASS WINDOW OF DOOM!
(Explosion)
(Window is still there)
K: (Glares at Jade) (Is smoking slightly and black) IT'S ESCAPE PROOF YOU DUMMY!
J: Ahhh.... I see.... Actully, I can't. The smoke is blocking off all sense of my vison.
K: Me too. (Punches Jade)
J: Ow! What did you do that for!?
K: To remind you, no matter what, that this was all your fault and that I'll hate you forever for it.
J: I hate you too.
(Jade finds a loop hole and vanishes)
K: *Beep* IT!!!!
(Mr. Godo and Mr. Lemley randomly turn into Kentucky Fried Chicken since they haven't have any lines and they're losers)
(Ashitare appears and eats Kentucky Fried Teachers)
A: ROAR!
(Ashitare vanishes)
K: Why do I feel that flames consuming me would be a good idea?
(A tub of Monkey Butter hops by along with a floating 4th dimensional being and a ramen eating ork. Skeletons dance in the flames as all the people who'd ever lost in the presidential election appear and sing the blues. Al Gore begins to sing 'Heatbreak Hotel')
K: ......................
(Keika pulls window open and leaves)
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione runs in)
Ha: Are we late for our interviews!?
He: Of course we are, half wit! Can't you see the set's already on fire!?
R: Gee Hermione, just because we're dumber then you....
He: Damn straight you are!
V: HARRY POTTER! I WILL NOW..... Oh what's the point? My life's a wreak anyway....
R: Ohmygawd! It's You-Know-Who!
V: Oh of course! No one knows my name! (Begins sobbing)
Ha: Poor Voldemort! If it helps any, I forgive you for murdering my parents.
V: (Sniffles) Really?
Ha: Really. Why did you kill them anyway?
V: (Shrugs) Can't remember. Those two were so dull it's hard to remember them.... Sorta like you....
(Mob of zombies run in and carry off Voldemort through the Porta-John)
R: Odd....
He: Really? It took you that long to realize that something odd was going on!
R: Well....
(Hermione leaves in disgust)(Later she joins the group of 'So Much Smarter Then You'll Ever Be' and is run over at the next zebra crossing)
(Ron and Harry look around)
Ha: Do you think we should leave this burning building?
R: No, actually I like it here.....
(Ron is crushed by a flaming support beam)
Ha: (Sweatdrops) I'll be going now.
(Leaves and is torn apart by 'The Universal Lovers of Draco')
The End
(No Audrey, I was not on drugs. I was up until 2 in the morning writing this. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!!)