SAM CAN'T CATCH A BREAK
Oh, yeah… thought Sam as he stared at the hot naked body. That is one hot naked body. I'm gonna do so much sex to that. Sam was hotly anticipating the hot sex he was about to have. It was going to be sooooooo hot. The girl before him was naked and sexy. Beads of sweat dripped from breasts so ripe he just wanted to pluck them from her body and eat them like an apple or orange or maybe even a juicy pomegranate. Her butt was like two fine hams that had just dropped down from heaven.
"Booby, booby, booby!" Sam yelled. "Let's do this!" Sam penetrated her like Superman outrunning a speeding bullet. He finished as quick as he could because girls love that even if they pretend they don't. He crawled off her. She was bumpy like a girl's body should be. He saw her roll her eyes, obviously blown away by the great sex. She rolled over and fell off the bed. She scurried around on the floor while she put her clothes back on.
"Was it good for you?" Sam asked. He didn't bother listening to her because there was a salad sitting across the room that looked really good. I'm gonna eat the hell out of you later, he thought, seductively. Sam loved his salads. It had carrots and tomatoes and slivers of radishes and croutons and even almonds – everything a sexy salad should have. His brother always ate pie and bacon cheese burgers. What a loser! The next time Dean (Dean is Sam's brother. Their father was John. They also had a mother who died. Their father also died, but at a different time than the mother who always seems to be on fire, but her clothes never burn away. Seriously, the CW should do an episode where Mary comes back as a ghost, but she's butt-ass naked because the fire burned her clothes away, but not her spirit body because that makes more sense and we should see full nudity. That would be an awesome episode) died it would be from a heart attack because of all the nasty food he ate. People who don't eat health food all the time and eat sugar are going to die.
The girl spoke. Sam jumped. That was unexpected. "I'm going to go wash the shame off me," she said. She must have stepped in some shame on the way here because Sam didn't see any around the hotel room. "AHHHHHHH!" Sam heard a scream. He jumped up, put his pants on, then put his socks on one at a time (because you can't put socks on two at a time). Then Sam put the shirt on that he was wearing earlier. It smelled a little because he's never washed it ever. Sam wasn't even sure he knew how to do laundry. He grabbed his wallet and started to leave the hotel room. Oh, wait! The girl! he remembered. Sam ran to the bathroom and kicked open the door even though it was already open.
The room was covered in blood like someone took a handful of blood and threw it against the wall. Jenny had collapsed on the floor, her head all exploded and stuff. Her butt was pointed straight up in the air, but not in a good way because her head was missing. Sam was not turned on at all by this.
Sam started whistling and slowly backed out of the bathroom. The instant he was safely out of eyeshot (one of the girl's eyes was on the floor), Sam turned and ran out of the room. He never looked back. Dean was sitting in the Impala eating another bacon cheeseburger and masturbating. Sam jumped in the car and screamed, "Dean! We gotta go!" Dean floored it and they drove straight through the hotel room destroying all evidence that Sam was ever there. They sped down the road jumping over hills like in the movies as they rode off into the sunset. Desperado played on the radio.
SAM CAN'T CATCH A BREAK – Part II
The sequel to the first story entitled "Sam Can't Catch a Break"
Sam poured the salad shake down his huge, bulging throat. He just didn't have time to eat healthy meals anymore. So he turned all his meals into shake form and drank them down like the badass he is. Go salad! Some of the green mush dripped down from his full, pouty lips. He rubbed it all over his hot, glistening chest that was ripped. "You like that?" he asked.
The girl nodded in approval. Sam picked her up at the library. They were both way into books and stuff. She was also dressed up like a sexy librarian and at the library she was also acting like a librarian. She was hot and ready. There were no books here. Just her, him, a bed, and both their genitals. Well, actually there were books here. Sam started reading one. It was titled "How to Have Sex and Not Kill the Girl You is About to Have Sex With." Hopefully if he read it first, he could save this girl from his "Peen of Death."
"Put that book away and do me!" shouted Samantha. She ripped open her shirt to reveal her breasts. They were shiny. The nipples were the correct color and pointed a bit like nipples on baby bottles. One was an innie and the other an outie. She rubbed the innie and it shot out like a breast erection. Sam was really turned on now. The girl stood up on the bed and pulled her pants down. Then she started spinning around in a circle and humming. Sam's boner was raging. This might even have been the biggest one he's ever had. The girl started doing jumping jacks. She wasn't very bouncy because she was just an A-cup. But that was okay. Sam stared intently at her vagina. The girl spun around, stuck out her butt and shook it like a Polaroid picture.
Sam climbed on top of her and started humping. BOOM! All of a sudden her head exploded! Sam finished really quick and screamed. Dean burst in the room.
"What is it, Sammy!?" Dean yelled. Then he saw the headless librarian. "Son of a bitch!"
Sam was curled up on the bed crying. He wasn't crying because he was a pussy, he was just really in touch with his feminine side. He would make a really good boyfriend, aside from the sex-death. But I bet you could just do oral and be fine. "It happened again, Dean! Her head just exploded while I was having sex with her!"
"Son of a bitch!" Dean yelled.
"What am I going to do?" Sam asked like a pussy as he wiped the tears from his face. "I really like sex, but I slightly less like that fact that I keep killing people. And why did this one die while we were having sex. That's never happened before unless I'm forgetting some weird, fucked-up episode."
"Son… of… a… bitch," said Dean. "Sammy, do you think this happened because of the psychic powers you used to have? Remember when you moved that cupboard blocking the door in season one and then it was never really mentioned again and just kind of forgotten about? Maybe it's something like that. I mean girls' heads don't usually just pop unless you hit them with a baseball bat because they try to raise the price after you already agreed on one and then threaten to call their pimp so you're just trying to calm her down but things go too far so now you have a body you need to hide and you definitely need to salt and burn it not just to destroy the evidence but also because it's all but guaranteed this girl is going to come back as a vengeful spirit and try to take revenge on you for killing her! I mean… err… son of a bitch!"
"Season one?" Sam asked. What did that mean? Dean's crazy.
Suddenly, Castiel appeared. He touched the girl's body and the head came back.
"Did you just save her?" Sam asked excitedly. With her head back, she was really sexy as Sam stared intently at her vagina.
"No," replied Cas. "I can't bring her back. I just put her back together. I'll take her body now so I can make sure it gets 'laid' to rest." Cas winked at Dean. Dean nodded, approvingly. Cas and the girl disappeared. Sam closed his eyes, pictured the girl he once loved even if just for a moment, and stared intently at her vagina.
"So, Sammy," Dean started. "You had sex, huh? Ohhhhh, yeah."
Sam and Dean jumped up as high as they could in the air and gave each other the greatest high-five the world had ever seen.
SAM CAN'T CATCH A BREAK – Part III – The Peen of Death
Sam was sitting on the bed staring intently at his penis. It seemed like a really good penis. It was an average nine inches in size and four inches in diameter. It was also slightly barbed like a lion's. What girl wouldn't want to be penetrated by this?
Suddenly Castiel appeared in the room. "Hey, Sam! Wazzzzzzzup!? Nice dick."
"You too," Sam replied. "Also, why are you naked wearing a trench coat?"
"I just had sex for the first time!" Castiel said.
"Awesome!" replied Sam. "Were her breasts heavy?"
"A little, but not too much." Poof! All of a sudden, Castiel was wearing clothes again. Sam was still naked. There was an uncomfortable forty-eight minutes of dead silence where Cas just kind of looked around the room as he waited for Sam to put something on. Sam just stared at Castiel with the innocence of a child. Never once did Sam's eyes falter, nor once did he blink. For a moment, Cas thought he might be dead, but he could see him breathing. Finally, Cas wiggled his nose and Sam had clothes back on. "Sam, why did you call me? I have to get back to heaven. Gilmore Girls is almost on and heaven doesn't have a DVR."
"Cas, I have a problem," began Sam. "Please don't tell Dean anything I'm about to tell you even though he's sitting on the bed next to me eating a bacon cheeseburger."
"Hey Cas!" Dean took a bite into his cheeseburger and fixins' fell all over his chest and Sam's bed which he was sitting on.
"Hey Dean!" Cas replied. "I just had sex!"
"Ahh-smm!" Dean yelled as he shoved the entire cheeseburger into his mouth at once. Then he choked and died. Cas had to walk all the way across the room to touch him and bring him back to life. Dean rose, grabbed a second bacon cheeseburger and shoved it all into his mouth at once. He smiled, proud of himself. Oh, Dean. Will you ever learn?
"Cas!" Sam shouted. "Every time I have sex with a girl, she dies! I have a peen of death!"
Castiel's normally emotionless face transformed into a scared emotionless face. He disappeared. While they waited for him to come back, Sam and Dean played dodge ball. Castiel reappeared. "The Peen of Death is missing from heaven. Its nine inches long, four inches in diameter, and barbed. Have either of you seen it?" Sam's eyes started darting back and forth, suspiciously. Dean did a somersault. Suddenly, all the pieces clicked for Castiel. He knew where the Peen of Death was. And he knew what he would have to do to get it.
Sam's eyes met Castiel's. The naughty angel slowly walked over to Sam's bedside as Sam leaned back. Castiel ran his hand up the side of the bed until they reached Sam's hip. Castiel took his strong, able hands and began to unbuckle Sam's pants as Sam closed his eyes. Then Castiel ripped the jeans from Sam's body and tore off his penis! Off-camera, Dean threw a handful of blood across the wall! Sam screamed! Then Castiel touched the general area around Sam's nether-regions, but not close enough to anything to be really gay. Suddenly Sam had a much more normal two-inch penis, the size most guys have. Castiel whipped his hand back quick so he didn't accidentally touch it.
"I must now return the Peen of Death to heaven to sit next to the Staff of Moses, the Horn of Truth, the whip from the video game Castlevania, and our enchanted +1 longsword that does 2d6 against orcs." And like that, Castiel was gone – never to be seen again. Some say he got lost on his way to heaven. Others say he didn't get lost, but they're not sure where he is. Only one thing is certain. No one shall ever know for certain. Suddenly Castiel appeared again, so I guess you can forget about that whole disappeared forever thing I just said. He gave Dean a quick jumping high five because of the sex he just had and disappeared again. On his way down, Dean slipped on some fixins' from his burgers and fell down. He started to cry although he was more startled than hurt. Then he grabbed another bacon cheeseburger and was happy again.
Sam looked down as his crotch and stared intently at his penis. It was aaaaaall goooooood. He couldn't wait to sex some hot chick with this thing. Sam got up and went outside. He started singing "Don't Look Back" by Boston. It was a new beginning for Sam "Peen of Life" Winchester. A sexual beginning.
SAM CAN'T CATCH A BREAK – Epilogue
Sam Winchester and the Peen of Life
Aka The Sexual Awakening of Sam Winchester
Aka Just Watch as Sam Has Sex
Sam stared intently at the vagina of the girl he had handcuffed to the bed. Not only was he going to have sex, he was going to have kinky sex! There were handcuffs and a whip and fat-free/sugar-free whipped cream and strawberries and salad shakes with all the fixins'. Sam dumbed the whipped cream on the girl's chest. It landed with a sexy "plop!" Sam dug his hand into the mound of whipped cream and rubbed it all over the girl's hot naked body.
"Oh, yeah!" she said. "Harder! Faster!" Sam rubbed the whipped cream faster. It was so messy, but in the good, sex way. Then Sam started eating it off her body a mouthful at a time. She grabbed the unkempt bed-head of his and bit his hair. It felt so good. Sam was so wet right now. The girl grabbed him with all her might and spun him around on the bed. She tied him to the bedposts and then blindfolded him. What was going to happen now? thought Sam. Then she started blowing on his rock-hard cock. Sam thought his whipped cream was about to come out, but it didn't. Sam could feel her lukewarm breath and she breathed harder and harder on his glorious manhood. Sam watched as the girls breasts bounced up and down like she was in a bouncy castle. He buried his head between them and went "Bbbbbbbbbbt!" She moaned with delight. Sam knew how to pleasure a woman. He had seen so much porn. He always blamed Dean for going to , but secretly it was him. The girl stood on top of him and started jumping up and down on his junk just like in the movies. Sam started making out with her knee-pit. She had a bunch of orgasms. Finally, they started humping in all the positions. It was wicked hot.
That night, Sam watched her sleep. He wasn't watching her in a creepy way, although his lip was kind of sneered up in a smile and he kept nodding, but it wasn't creepy at all. All that mattered to Sam was that she was still alive. He watched her amble bosom heave up and down as she kept breathing air into her breasts. All of a sudden she quit breathing and died. Noooooo!
Castiel appeared in the room. Sam was crying into her amble bosom while squeezing her breasts in sadness. "Don't cry, Sam. This one wasn't your fault."
"Really?" Sam asked.
"Yes. Unfortunately, this girl had ADD. She would have died at this moment whether you had given her the good stuff or not."
"She had Attention Deficit Disorder?" Sam asked. He was confused. He got up and started looking through their dad's journal, but there wasn't anything about this!
"No, it was a different ADD. She had 'Automatic Death Disease.' It causes you to automatically die at some point."
Whew, Sam thought. He may not have a Peen of Life, but at least he no longer had a Peen of Death. Sam no longer felt bad. Sam put his clothes back on and went around the hotel room collecting his things. He shut down his laptop. He put the laptop and all his books into his duffel bag along with any extra clothes he had. He grabbed his wallet from the nightstand and turned off the lamp next to the bed. He went to the bathroom and gathered all his toiletries.
Sam went on hunting ghosts and monsters and had sex sometimes. Some of the girls died, some of them didn't – just like sex in real life. Sam knew his life would never be the same. Not after that fateful night. He had his whole life in front of him. Sam looked out across the horizon at the setting sun. There was nothing that could stand in his way. He was a new man.
Dean got out of the Impala and ran over to Sam. They both jumped up to the heavens and gave each other the greatest high-five the world had ever seen.