disclaimer: i do not own naruto.
dedication: to my lovelies & those nights where you find a sense of belonging. i hope it's with you.

The one thousand and one paper cranes were the first things to go.

She crushed them beneath her school books as she forced everything into a trash bag. Her mind was racing at something awfully close to light speed, but it all seemed like nothing. The bag was filled with nothing- just old memories she didn't want to remember. They didn't mean anything. All that they used to be was stolen in a split second by some unstoppable force that…

Her pale lips tightened together and her arms seemed to find some hidden well of power to thrust all of the contents of her desk into the plastic pit from hell. Perhaps if she hit the pile of things hard enough, everything would disappear into thin air. The ultimate magician's trick.

The garbage bag was hefty and unwieldy, made of sharp corners not made any less painful by thin plastic when it came into contact with her ankle. Sakura was surprised when these words- harsh, ugly, primitive words issued from her mouth faster than she could identify them.

That was nothing. Somewhere, underneath hard textbook covers, she thought she heard hope screaming something electric and horrifying.

But that's the thing about hearing, isn't it?

It's selective.

Headphones had been fitted around ears reminiscent of seashells as she cleared out everything that hurt. They blasted something fierce and angry- broken words being thrust out of them at near-light speed like projectiles aimed at broken hearts that bled black blood.

She didn't realize that she wasn't crying until she started choking on the tears that weren't coming.

.

.

.

The sky was green with a tinge of red.

Itachi was lying on Shisui's bed, watching how, when cars passed by the window facing the street, the small splotches of red in the sky lit up with some sick desperation that made him just close his eyes.

He knew that his vision was distorted- warped like a car traveling down the highway at five hundred miles an hour. There was no reason for this, really- a shot wouldn't affect him, after all- but there was a reason all the same.

It was silent and the air just pressed in on him, spread across his cousin's bed.

"You're being foolish, you know."

The room's owner's voice seemed disembodied as it echoed past the acoustically-enhanced interior- wood floors and soundproofed walls. It wasn't joking, exactly. Like Shisui, the words hardly danced around the matter at hand, but the tone was matter-of-fact and teasing.

There was something about Shisui that made Itachi feel like a child all over again.

Perhaps Shisui was older than him, but Itachi tried to combat the years that stretched between them with seriousness. Of course, he always managed to tangle himself in a web of his own creation and he never felt any more mature than he had been before, but that's who he had become. He had created his own Frankenstein monster with a bit of morbid and self-judgment.

Did anyone know just how easy it was to destroy yourself a little bit at a time?

"I don't know what you mean."

So the words didn't come out the way he'd meant them to. They didn't sound as light and uncaring as he'd wanted. Instead, they bent backwards in complete agony and-

"Bull. Shit."

Slowly, Itachi turned his head to look at his cousin. The just-a-bit-taller man was leaning against the doorway. The light in the hallway shaded his face as it illuminated his dark profile like a demented icon of faith.

"How so?"

Why the words slipped out of his mouth he would never know. It was just like admitting there was something in his cousin's words after all- that he wasn't quite imagining that the fireworks outside the window were steadily piling into a pile of ember hanging in the air, blanketing him in more ash than Pompeii. He would be quite content if that happened, if he had to lie to himself. Being a frozen statue for the rest of time that didn't exist seemed nice. There was no pain there, Itachi thought.

"Because you, my dear foolish cousin, are in love with your brother's ex- wait for it- girlfriend."

Itachi tried to snort, but it came out more like a hacking cough.

(Lovesick really is a disease, you know.)

"I'm so glad I… waited for that."

The glib words came out all right, but they were completely half-hearted and half-witted, a bad combination on most days, let alone this one.

"Dear God, man. Pull yourself together."

"Why?"

Honestly, he didn't give two shits about what Shisui would say- he was being rather bothersome and when a man didn't want to think about something, a man didn't want to think about something. There was a reason he was in here, not out there.

"Because you fucking lost yourself. Long enough that you told the girl that you would die for that you really wouldn't like to go get coffee with her because it would be inappropriate and a waste of time."

"I know you watch Hitch every other weekend with Ino, but that doesn't make it okay to try and be a matchmaker when there are two people that aren't interested."

That time, he'd managed icy and disinterested. His left eye seemed to be fighting a constant tic as he glared. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go to sleep."

He dragged the blanket to his left side until it covered him completely, but Shisui stalked over and ripped it away. There was nothing he could do but give his evilest glare.

"What?"

"I… I can't believe you. You fucking turned her away. You… I know you don't say much. And normally, that wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Yes, go become a motionless rock on your days off. Fine by me. Every other day of the year, I would give you my blessing to just lay around so I can go out and get more girls. Every time we go out together, the girls get all dewy-eyed over you because you, you bastard, have that bloody 'starving genius' look.

"But this… god, man. Everyone sees you when you are with her and it's like someone lit up the dark side of the moon with a flashlight the size of fucking Jupiter. There's no one you can play that up. And she obviously feels the same way about you. Any guy would be over the moon about something like that.

"So what is really wrong?"

Air whistled through white teeth as Itachi grits his together before he sat up. His eyes weren't really looking at Shisui- they were aimed over his shoulder. Their intensity was unmatched by any solar metaphor as they blazed and something in Shisui shrank.

"Sasuke."

The name was breathed out- not reverently or with a tone like that of a desperate lover- through chapped lips.

The older Uchiha twisted to stare at Itachi's younger brother's portrait. Like usual, he wasn't smiling, but that was hardly a surprise. Perhaps there was a little glimmer in his eyes, but it was so subtle that unless you were looking for something out of the Mona Lisa, no one would ever catch it.

"He was staring at her, when that photo was taken."

Shisui sucked in a breath.

She'd been the head of the photography club- one hadn't existed at Suna until she started it with the help of the literary mag teacher, Kakashi Hatake. Sasuke was hardly the best at color choices, but as Sakura had always stated, he made for a good model. He didn't complain about standing still. Late night shoots by a lake to catch moonlight? No problem, just don't get him wet.

Turning to face his younger cousin once again, Shisui became contemplative- at least, that's what Itachi read the look on his face to mean. There was something about it that made Itachi feel that he didn't want to know what conclusions his sometimes best friend had come up with.

"He's dead, you know."

"How could I ever forget?"

"He's gone. He's not coming back- and what about him ever told you that he would want you to be unhappy- or her, for that matter? I know the thought that he's gone hurts but… you aren't stealing anything from him that he wouldn't have wanted you to have. He loved both of you.

"And honestly… if he couldn't have her, he would want you to have her. In a completely not-possessive way."

For the first time in what felt like a long time, Itachi saw Shisui give a brief grin.

"Don't be afraid to be happy. Live. And let her have a part of your life if she wants it. Admit it- you want it too."

Without another word, Shisui made his exit. Itachi listened to him clomp down the stairs with his usual lack of regard for silence.

There were always a lot of choices. He could sit there, pretend that he hadn't talked to Shisui. Pretend that there was something wrong with dating his dead younger brother's girlfriend. Pretend there was nothing between him and a pixie-like girl with soulful green eyes.

Shoving himself off the bed, he rushed towards the door and made his way outside of the house.

He followed his heart.

From behind the coat rack, Shisui cracked a brief grin.

.

.

.

She went outside with her old things. It was difficult, pulling the bag to her front door and getting it over her front steps, but she managed. Wiping her forearm against her forehead, Sakura hefted the large bag over her shoulder- the ones with the textbooks where she'd used pictures of a lost love and a distant love as bookmarks and one thousand and one cranes of hope- and dumped it into the trashcan.

Tomorrow was trash day and all of this- it'd be gone.

A smile never appeared on her face as she stumbled back into the house. Maybe it took more muscles to frown than smile, but gravity was certainly helpful.

Turning into the first door on the right, she found herself in her room.

With someone she really didn't feel like saying anything more to.

He was sitting in her room with the lights turned off, brilliant fireworks lighting up darkdarkdark hair with temporary highlights of green and purple. Deep eyes glinted as they stared deeply at her without fear.

That wasn't the same man she had spoken to just a few hours before.

For one thing, he looked at her- at her, not through her like a painting at the art museum that he was supposed to decode. He saw her- and it was uncomfortable.

Sasuke.

"What are you doing here?"

Her voice quaked like leaves in a swift autumn wind. She didn't want him here- she'd already given up the ways they had secretly helped each other through a year of endings that were blacker than a photo taken without flash. She'd thrown away all of those paper cranes and her secret wish.

What right did he have to disturb her now that she had made her twisted peace with the world?

"Sakura, I wanted to say something."

"I don't want to hear it." Her voice was flat- like those things piled into a bag smaller than the sum of all of their parts. Holding the door open, Sakura gazed through him expectantly. "Get out."

"I wanted to say something." His mouth was on repeat or something, she decided. "Sakura… it's what I should've said the first time."

She hated his words. She hated the way he said her name. She hated the way he said it like it was something secret- something just for the two of them.

She hatedhatedhated the way all of the things she hated made her love him even more.

"Fine. Then get out of here when you're done." She wasn't relenting, she promised herself. It's not like he would leave until he said his part. That was Itachi and… it just was.

Okay?

Something inside her shrieked like it was being crushed beneath a boulder as Itachi stood up and strode closer to her. They were slow steps, as if he was afraid of startling her.

"You have to understand… that this wasn't easy- that it's not like walking over to you and doing all of the things that have passed through my mind. It's not like walking down the street or saying hello. It's like walking down that street when it's filled with burning coal and the world seems distorted just to say hello around a mouthful of broken teeth.

"You… make me feel like I'm not alone and fifteen again, when the world's still awkward. It's so wrong… but it's right. You're the air I breathe and you won't let me hold it in."

She wanted to interrupt- to ask what the hell he was going on about and what this was supposed to mean and would he stop hurting her already because, damn it, she just felt like dying sometimes, you know?

"Because time doesn't stop and until it does, I want to know that I haven't let something go just because of what used to be. This wheel of fate is spinning. There's no knowing where it'll stop. You never know time's out until it's gone and there's nothing left to be done. We both should know this by now. Yes, you used to date Sasuke… before the accident. But if you'd have me… I would never let you go. I'm not him, but… I would throw away the moon and the stars if it meant we could belong to each other."

She knew he'd keep talking if she let him- he was nervous as hell and he was saying all of the right-wrong things that made her throw her arms around his neck, effectively cutting off whatever words might have been left.

"I don't love you because of him," Sakura whispered against Itachi's neck as she felt his arms wrap around her securely. "I don't love you because you were there when he wasn't. I don't love you because you sneak little photographs of these big things like friendship and pretty moments into my biology book when you think I'm not looking."

For a second, she pressed her lips against his and there was immediate sense of ease as she feels him give her control. They were all touching, skin on skin, black silk against red satin, as they finally stopped playing their parts- grieving girlfriend and older brother- and let themselves fall to pieces to pick each other up.

Finally, they separated, breathing harshly in the late night light. His forehead was against hers and their eyes found each other as their chests heaved in tandem as they caught themselves again. Sakura's lips found themselves in a smile as she breathed out again.

"I love you because you were waiting in my room with the lights off and it felt right."

why do i have this thing about writing angst?

& what do you think?

-pandastacia