Revenge! Uncensored!
Re-posting of an earlier fic, now uncensored and with an alternate ending! The Total Drama Island cast get revenge on Cartoon Network for censoring them. Crack-fic, with lots of swearing, violence, and death.
Inside Cartoon Network's headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia, two cartoon network employees were chatting in front of the water cooler, which was placed in front of a large window.
"Hey, did you see the new Friday the 13th?" employee number 1 asked his friend.
"Yeah, that was really cool," employee number 2 said with a smile.
"All we need now is a remake of the original Nightmare on Elm Street."
"That's probably what they'll do next."
Crash!
The twenty-two campers from Total Drama Island, Chris, and Chef Hatchet all came bursting through the window behind the water cooler, all dressed in army attire and carrying heavy artillery. Employee 2 was killed instantly (Owen landed on him), but employee 1 wasn't so lucky.
"GAAAHHH!" the poor man screamed, blood running from his eyeballs. "I've got glass in my eyes!"
"And my foot in your balls!" Chef Hatchet said with a grin, kicking the employee in his nads before snapping his neck like a twig.
The other employees stared in shock at the sudden display of violence. Then, the twenty-four intruders all pulled out machine guns and sub-machine guns.
"This is for censoring our show to death, motherfuckers!!" Ezekiel screamed, right before he and the rest of the cast unleashed Hell.
"This is for cutting out my cursing at Heather!" Lindsay screamed, shooting several workers in the head.
"This is for cutting out our Catholic joke in the first episode!" Chris shouted, pulling the pin out of a grenade and throwing it into the crowd.
Boom!
"This is for cutting out all the uses of the word 'crap'!" Trent said as he pulled out a shotgun and started blowing people's heads off. "I mean, seriously! What the fuck is wrong with saying 'crap'?!
"This is for the time you cut out the time I said 'suck'!" Heather said, pulling out a combat knife and knifing a guy in the chest. "Why did you need to cut out 'suck'?! That's worse then 'crap'!" She grabbed another guy and slit his throat. "You Americans are too fucking sensitive!
Eva grabbed a random worker and prepared to rip is head off. "This is for... Uh..." She tried to think of another way Cartoon Network ruined their show, but couldn't. "Fuck it, I just like killing people!" And she ripped the poor guy's head clean off. Then she snapped her fingers, smiling triumphantly. "Wait, I've got it!" She grabbed another guy and prepared to rip his head off. "This is for censoring out when we said 'boobies'!" She ripped his head off. "You Americans have no backbones!"
Meanwhile, in the CEO's office...
The CEO of Cartoon Network watched the carnage on a large TV screen.
"Damn it," he growled. "I knew this day would come..."
He then pressed a button on his desk, which was labled "Push Only In Case This Day Comes".
Back in the offices...
Multiple holes in the ceiling opened up. A bunch of weapons fell from the holes, into the hands of the surviving employees.
"KILL THEM!" The CEO ordered over the intercom.
The employees started shooting back at their attackers, forcing them to take cover.
Izzy smirked. "This just got a lot more fun!" She said with an insane cackle as she blind-fired from behind a desk.
The battle raged on for two hours, neither side giving an inch. Finally, the TDI cast started to weaken.
"They just keep coming!" Duncan shouted as he shot one of their enemies in the head. Five more jumped in, guns a-blazing, forcing the delinquent to duck behind a desk.
"We're almost out of ammo, Chris!" Cody shouted, loading his last clip into his handgun. Chris looked at his comrades, who all nodded in agreement with Cody.
"Damn it!" The host cursed. "I was hoping it wouldn't come to this... but we don't have a choice." He sighed, took a deep breath, and screamed, "RETREAT!!"
The twenty-two teens, Chef, and Chris all ceased firing and made a mad dash for the broken window, where they had entered. The employees kept firing until the last of the cartoons had escaped out the window. All the surviving workers started cheering over their victory.
Meanwhile, outside...
As the TDI crew ran from the building, Chris pulled out a walkie-talkie and said into it, "Call in the air strike! I want scorched earth! Nothing lives!"
"Rodger that, Mr. McClean," Saskwatchanakwa replied into his walkie-talkie as he flew a fighter jet towards the building.
Inside Cartoon Network headquarters, the everyone stopped partying when they heard what Chris said.
"... Did he just say 'air strike'?" an employee asked, turning pale as a sheet.
The sound of a plane flying overhead could be heard, followed by the sound of something falling.
"OH, FUCK!"
BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Outside, the cartoons cheered as the Cartoon Network building was destroyed in a massive explosion.
"That'll teach you to mess with our show, Disney Channel!" Lindsay said, pointing a finger at the fire wreckage.
Then Courtney blanched. "Wait. Why didn't we just bomb them earlier instead of risking our lives for two hours?"
The rest of the campers thought about this for a minute... and then went back to celebrating.
Then, the Adult Swim bus pulled up in front of the smoldering ruins. Mike Lazlo (Adult Swim CEO) stepped off, followed by several Adult Swim employees. They were all wearing grass skirts, Hawaiian shirts, and leis.
"We're back from va..." Mike started to say, but trailed off when he saw what was left of the Cartoon Network building. "... Ca... Tion...?"
"My God," Seth Green said, mouth agape. "They're... They're all dead..."
"Do you guys know what this means?" Mike asked, not taking his eyes off the ruins.
Behind him, his employees shook their heads "No".
He turned to them, a huge grin on his face. "We get the network all to ourselves! PAR-TAY!"
The Adult Swim crew cheered, and started partying with the TDI crew.
And the United States never had to watch another crappy, censored dub of Total Drama Island ever again.
The End
"So?!" Zeke asked, clearly excited. "What do you think, eh?!"
Gwen looked up from the computer, clearly in shock. "That..."
"Yeah?!"
"Was the WORST fanfiction I've ever read!"
Zeke's excited smile was gone in an instant. "What? It can't be that bad."
"Oh, trust me. It is that bad."
Zeke frowned. "Is not! I'll proo've it!" He looked around and saw Courtney, who just happened to be walking by. "Courtney!" He grabbed her arm and led her over to the computer. "What do you think of my story, eh?"
The C.I.T. read Zeke's story, stared at the screen for a minute... Then screamed in horror, pulled out a gun, and shot herself in the head.
"See?" Gwen said, pointing to Courtney's corpse. "Your writing is horrible!"
Zeke started down at the body... and started to chuckle. "What are you talking about?!" The chuckle turned into a mad laugh. "This is great! I have the power to kill people just by making them read my writing! I shall use my power for justice!"
The goth girl blankly stared at the prairie boy. "... How the fuck are you going to do that?"
"Oh, I think I have an idea..." Zeke said, smiling mischievously. "But first..." he turned and left. Gwen heard him shout, "Hey, Heather! I've got something for you to read!"
Later...
In the city of Toronto, a man walked into a bank, carrying a suitcase and wearing large sunglasses. He stopped in the middle of the room, opened his suitcase... And pulled out a sub-machine gun!
"Everybody down! This is a robbery!" He screamed, firing once at the ceiling. Everyone screamed and dropped to the floor, cowering in fear. The robber walked up to the petrified cashier and aimed his gun at her. "Put all the money you've got into this case!" He put the empty suitcase in front of her. "Now!"
"She'll do no such thing!"
Startled, the robber turned around. Standing there was Zeke, dressed in his usual clothes. The only difference was that he was wearing a blue cape, black gloves, and his toque was pulled down over his eyes. Two eye holes cut into the toque allowed him to see.
"Who the fuck are you?!" The robber demanded.
"I'm your worst nightmare, motherfucker," Zeke said, glaring at the robber. "I'm Toque Man, defender of the weak, agent of justice! And I'm taking you down."
The robber smirked. "I'd like to see you try."
Now Toque Man smirked. "You asked for it." He reached into his pocket, and pulled out... A paper airplane. "Feel the sting of my horrible fanfiction writing!"
He threw the airplane at the criminal. Catching it, the robber unfolded it, read what was on the paper... and screamed in terror.
"AAAAAHHHH!!!" The robber screamed, ripping the paper up. "IT'S SO AWFUL! SO MANY PLOT HOLES AND MARY SUES! AAAAAHHHH!!!" He shot himself with his gun.
The crowd burst into wild cheering. Toque Man chuckled modestly.
"Please, it was nothing." Toque Man said. "It's all in a day's work for your friendly neighborhood costumed superhero!" He ran out of the bank and jumped in the air. "Toque Man awaaaaaahhh!!" He fell down and fell down the stone stairs leading to the street. The bank customers ran outside and saw their hero, lying at the bottom of the stairs, a mangled mess.
"Ow..." Toque Man groaned. "I think I'll take the bus..."
The End
Well, I hope fans of the original liked the uncensored version, and the alternate ending! I'm thinking about making a fic about Toque Man. Tell me if it's a good idea! Peace out!