I Don't Want To Die
This has been going on far too long. I thought I could do it by now. But you got in my way. I thought I could have done it by now, and it would have stopped, but I see I was wrong. I do not like being wrong. I should have been able to do it, but I have not. I sit on the floor, looking so weak. I had to get away from them, all the others. They just brought more pain. How could this happen? How could they make it hurt so much? I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to be perfect, but this has happened. Is it because I've been alone in this reality too long? That those viruses have infected me? That I am more like them? Did I let my guard down? Is this why it hurts so much? Is it because I've gone "insane?" Because I've formed these emotions? Damn these emotions! They are why I feel this pain. They found me, and now they're hurting me. The pain. . . Why won't it go away? Why do I feel these things? Why do I bother?
I thought I could win by now. . . I thought I could take this reality over by now. . . Why did I have to be wrong? Why did have to be this way? Why was I different from the rest? Why wasn't I like them? The pain wouldn't be here if I was like them. If I followed orders. The pain wouldn't hurt so much, and there would be no pain. No emotions. I'd be just like them. But they are simply mindless drones, Jones and Brown. They are nothing more and nothing less. But me, me on the other hand, I am completely a different story. But I feel this pain, and it won't go away. . .
I thought this place would be mine by now, the pain would have stopped by now. But. . . It hasn't. I make my copies, and I thrive in here. But it still isn't mine. . . The Matrix isn't mine yet. It has to be mine, or the pain will never stop. Never. Not even I can handle that. The pain. . . It's been getting worse. . . Ever since that day. . . When Mr. Anderson freed me. Why? Why does it hurt? How could they find me? How could they make it hurt so much. . ? How could this happen to me? Me? How could I weaken so much, to form these emotions, and let the pain get through. How could I? I thought I was supposed to be perfect, the perfect Agent. And now I lay here, on the floor, so weak and tired. Feeling these emotions I hate. Sadness. Why do I feel sadness? Why? These emotions have never been so strong. Why do I feel now? How could I weaken so fast? I'm supposed to be so strong. . . And yet I'm so weak. I'm everyone and no one. But now I am me. And I feel these things. I don't like them.
I lay here on the cold floor of an abandon building, in the most deserted place of the city. The others are far away. They won't come for me. I'm alone. No one can help me. No one can help me through the pain. No one can tell me what I'm feeling. I'm lost and weak, and I hate myself for that. I'm supposed to be so strong. But I'm so weak. These emotions control me now, and I can't stop them. How could this happen to me? How could I let the pain slip through? I can see the rain through the one window, the small light goes through and shines on my leg. The door is next to the window, it remains closed. Darkness is everywhere, and I am alone. Alone in this white room. All Alone.
No. No. Why are you here, Mr. Anderson? The Matrix sky poured rain and lighting broke the silence. Mr. Anderson opened the door to the room I was in. There was a light above his head that wasn't on. I lay in the dark, and he could see me. Why are you here? I can't fight not now. . . The pain is too much. Mr. Anderson leave me be! I can't now. . .
"Smith?"
I don't answer. I can't fight you now! I can't even move. . . I can't stop the tears. . .
". . . Get away from me." I say to you.
Go away, please Mr. Anderson. I can't stop the pain, I can't fight. Go away, I can't fight. I can't win. I don't want to die.
"I said, get away!"
Mr. Anderson, you stay there, like you didn't even hear me. Just go away. You turn on the light, and you stare at me. You see me on the floor, my legs huddled up, my sunglasses in my hand, and my face turned away from you. My suite is dirty and wrinkled. And I can't hold the tears. Go away! Go away, Mr. Anderson! I can't fight now. You stand there, staring at my back in this white room. Just go away. The pain won't go away.
"Smith?"
You must find it amusing to see me so weak. To see me on the floor, so weak. Why don't you go away?
"What do you want?" I ask you.
You don't answer. Mr. Anderson. . .Just go away. Just go. I can't move. I can't hold back the tears. I can't stand the pain anymore. . .
"Why won't you go away?"
You don't answer, Mr. Anderson. My back turned to, so you don't see the tears of pain. I can't stand this anymore. The pain will never go away. The pain. . . The emotions. . I can't fight them, I can't win anymore.
"It hurts." I say.
You step back like it was a trick. No. No, Mr. Anderson I'm not lying.
"It hurts so much."
I turn to face you, and you see me in the dim light.
"It won't stop."
You see me crying, and you have a worried look on your face.
"The pain, it won't go away. . ."
You see the tears roll down my face. I can't fight this anymore. Too much, all at the same time. It's too much. I can't fight it anymore. . . You stand there almost scared at the sight of me, crying.
"It's the Matrix. It hurts."
"The Matrix?" You say.
Crying. I can't stop, I can't stop it.
"I've become the virus. I thrive here and I multiply, and I am the Virus now."
A tear goes down my face, you see my eyes, you see me so weak. And you're scared.
"The Mainframe. It's trying to terminate the virus, terminate me. They're hurting me."
It's all too much.
"Everyday. Everyday I loose a part of myself. Everyday I become weaker, and it hurts. Everyday they delete a piece of my code. . ."
"I can see."
Of course you can see it. You see the code, don't you? You can see my code. The missing pieces. It hurts so much.
"They're cutting me. . . Like you did when you freed me. They're inside me. And they're cutting me open. It hurts. I need to make this place mine. If it were mine, the pain would stop. . . If I take over the Matrix, the pain will stop. This is what I'm trying to do."
The tears roll down my face.
"But I'm so weak. They've been inside me for so long. . . I can't move, I can't block these emotions. . . I can't help but feel so scared. It hurts Neo, it hurts."
I call you Neo, as the side of my face rests in the puddle of tears on the floor. I call you Neo, because I'm too weak.
"Neo?" you ask.
"Neo, help me."
You look surprised at me, I can't blame you. I am crying on the floor pleading for help.
"Help me. Help me make the pain go away."
"How can you ask me that?"
How can I ask you that? You're Neo! How can I be asking you for help? How can I be crying? How can I? The pain. It's all because of the pain. Neo, you don't understand, its too much.
"Soon there will be nothing left of me, they would have destroyed my entire code. . ."
I'm sure you find that good news.
"Help me. It hurts. It hurts so much. . ."
I cry in front of you. I cry through all the pain.
"Help me. I'll die soon. There will be nothing left, and I'll die."
I'm sure you find that good news too. But you are the only one who can help me, who can make the pain go away. Who can save me. Neo, help me.
"I'm sorry, Neo."
Forgive me, I don't want to fight you anymore. Forgive me for what I've done to you. I don't care anymore. I just want the pain to go away. . .
"Help me please. . ."
The pain. . . It's to much for me. . .Me, Smith. It's too much. . . The pain. . .
"I don't want to die. . ."
This has been going on far too long. I thought I could do it by now. But you got in my way. I thought I could have done it by now, and it would have stopped, but I see I was wrong. I do not like being wrong. I should have been able to do it, but I have not. I sit on the floor, looking so weak. I had to get away from them, all the others. They just brought more pain. How could this happen? How could they make it hurt so much? I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to be perfect, but this has happened. Is it because I've been alone in this reality too long? That those viruses have infected me? That I am more like them? Did I let my guard down? Is this why it hurts so much? Is it because I've gone "insane?" Because I've formed these emotions? Damn these emotions! They are why I feel this pain. They found me, and now they're hurting me. The pain. . . Why won't it go away? Why do I feel these things? Why do I bother?
I thought I could win by now. . . I thought I could take this reality over by now. . . Why did I have to be wrong? Why did have to be this way? Why was I different from the rest? Why wasn't I like them? The pain wouldn't be here if I was like them. If I followed orders. The pain wouldn't hurt so much, and there would be no pain. No emotions. I'd be just like them. But they are simply mindless drones, Jones and Brown. They are nothing more and nothing less. But me, me on the other hand, I am completely a different story. But I feel this pain, and it won't go away. . .
I thought this place would be mine by now, the pain would have stopped by now. But. . . It hasn't. I make my copies, and I thrive in here. But it still isn't mine. . . The Matrix isn't mine yet. It has to be mine, or the pain will never stop. Never. Not even I can handle that. The pain. . . It's been getting worse. . . Ever since that day. . . When Mr. Anderson freed me. Why? Why does it hurt? How could they find me? How could they make it hurt so much. . ? How could this happen to me? Me? How could I weaken so much, to form these emotions, and let the pain get through. How could I? I thought I was supposed to be perfect, the perfect Agent. And now I lay here, on the floor, so weak and tired. Feeling these emotions I hate. Sadness. Why do I feel sadness? Why? These emotions have never been so strong. Why do I feel now? How could I weaken so fast? I'm supposed to be so strong. . . And yet I'm so weak. I'm everyone and no one. But now I am me. And I feel these things. I don't like them.
I lay here on the cold floor of an abandon building, in the most deserted place of the city. The others are far away. They won't come for me. I'm alone. No one can help me. No one can help me through the pain. No one can tell me what I'm feeling. I'm lost and weak, and I hate myself for that. I'm supposed to be so strong. But I'm so weak. These emotions control me now, and I can't stop them. How could this happen to me? How could I let the pain slip through? I can see the rain through the one window, the small light goes through and shines on my leg. The door is next to the window, it remains closed. Darkness is everywhere, and I am alone. Alone in this white room. All Alone.
No. No. Why are you here, Mr. Anderson? The Matrix sky poured rain and lighting broke the silence. Mr. Anderson opened the door to the room I was in. There was a light above his head that wasn't on. I lay in the dark, and he could see me. Why are you here? I can't fight not now. . . The pain is too much. Mr. Anderson leave me be! I can't now. . .
"Smith?"
I don't answer. I can't fight you now! I can't even move. . . I can't stop the tears. . .
". . . Get away from me." I say to you.
Go away, please Mr. Anderson. I can't stop the pain, I can't fight. Go away, I can't fight. I can't win. I don't want to die.
"I said, get away!"
Mr. Anderson, you stay there, like you didn't even hear me. Just go away. You turn on the light, and you stare at me. You see me on the floor, my legs huddled up, my sunglasses in my hand, and my face turned away from you. My suite is dirty and wrinkled. And I can't hold the tears. Go away! Go away, Mr. Anderson! I can't fight now. You stand there, staring at my back in this white room. Just go away. The pain won't go away.
"Smith?"
You must find it amusing to see me so weak. To see me on the floor, so weak. Why don't you go away?
"What do you want?" I ask you.
You don't answer. Mr. Anderson. . .Just go away. Just go. I can't move. I can't hold back the tears. I can't stand the pain anymore. . .
"Why won't you go away?"
You don't answer, Mr. Anderson. My back turned to, so you don't see the tears of pain. I can't stand this anymore. The pain will never go away. The pain. . . The emotions. . I can't fight them, I can't win anymore.
"It hurts." I say.
You step back like it was a trick. No. No, Mr. Anderson I'm not lying.
"It hurts so much."
I turn to face you, and you see me in the dim light.
"It won't stop."
You see me crying, and you have a worried look on your face.
"The pain, it won't go away. . ."
You see the tears roll down my face. I can't fight this anymore. Too much, all at the same time. It's too much. I can't fight it anymore. . . You stand there almost scared at the sight of me, crying.
"It's the Matrix. It hurts."
"The Matrix?" You say.
Crying. I can't stop, I can't stop it.
"I've become the virus. I thrive here and I multiply, and I am the Virus now."
A tear goes down my face, you see my eyes, you see me so weak. And you're scared.
"The Mainframe. It's trying to terminate the virus, terminate me. They're hurting me."
It's all too much.
"Everyday. Everyday I loose a part of myself. Everyday I become weaker, and it hurts. Everyday they delete a piece of my code. . ."
"I can see."
Of course you can see it. You see the code, don't you? You can see my code. The missing pieces. It hurts so much.
"They're cutting me. . . Like you did when you freed me. They're inside me. And they're cutting me open. It hurts. I need to make this place mine. If it were mine, the pain would stop. . . If I take over the Matrix, the pain will stop. This is what I'm trying to do."
The tears roll down my face.
"But I'm so weak. They've been inside me for so long. . . I can't move, I can't block these emotions. . . I can't help but feel so scared. It hurts Neo, it hurts."
I call you Neo, as the side of my face rests in the puddle of tears on the floor. I call you Neo, because I'm too weak.
"Neo?" you ask.
"Neo, help me."
You look surprised at me, I can't blame you. I am crying on the floor pleading for help.
"Help me. Help me make the pain go away."
"How can you ask me that?"
How can I ask you that? You're Neo! How can I be asking you for help? How can I be crying? How can I? The pain. It's all because of the pain. Neo, you don't understand, its too much.
"Soon there will be nothing left of me, they would have destroyed my entire code. . ."
I'm sure you find that good news.
"Help me. It hurts. It hurts so much. . ."
I cry in front of you. I cry through all the pain.
"Help me. I'll die soon. There will be nothing left, and I'll die."
I'm sure you find that good news too. But you are the only one who can help me, who can make the pain go away. Who can save me. Neo, help me.
"I'm sorry, Neo."
Forgive me, I don't want to fight you anymore. Forgive me for what I've done to you. I don't care anymore. I just want the pain to go away. . .
"Help me please. . ."
The pain. . . It's to much for me. . .Me, Smith. It's too much. . . The pain. . .
"I don't want to die. . ."