Fortitude in this Liminal Space Between Me and You
Chapter 1: Trust
Silence. The early hours – dark like night and yet already the beginnings of a new day. The deep verdant leaves on the trees lining the walk lay still, no breeze nor animals to stir them. The crickets and night birds, usually so active in their song, tonight had no serenade to offer. Yet while all was still the silence was not complete. Fine grained white pebbles covered the floor of the courtyard, crunching softly against each other under foot. Slow lingering steps.
"Kanda…"
Slate hued irises that had been fixed on some indeterminate place on the ground finally found the pair of contemplative cobalt they'd been avoiding.
"I still love you."
Kanda's jaw tightened, eyes narrowing. What should have been heartwarming, reassuring, sounded so painful in that plaintive tone. It wrought him raw on the inside looking at Allen, the steeled expression of calm he'd been nursing all night finally given way – suddenly naked in its unendurable thirst. He understood. It's not like he didn't. They both knew that these meetings were becoming more difficult to arrange and wouldn't happen again for quite some time.
"Say something won't you?"
"I've been meaning to call you," Kanda said, tone clipped. "I might, if they'd ever put my call through, which they won't."
A mirthless smile turned up Allen's lips. Soft crunching turned to hollow clacks as they transitioned from the gravel walk to the worn wooden porch the two had spent numerous clandestine meetings upon. This was their place. Their refuge. Their small corner of the world wherein there was no judgment from prying, meddlesome eyes. Under normal circumstances theirs was a relationship that ought not to have been conceived. Allen the youngest and most beloved master of the prestigious House of Noah, and Kanda, a hot tempered, blue collar guy with nothing to his name. Their stations in life were quite different, but as merely two people, they couldn't have been a more dysfunctionally perfect match.
"You could just come by," Allen said, wringing his hands nervously. "Like you used to."
"If I did that, you'd be the one most inconvenienced," Kanda muttered gruffly – though the harsh delivery did little to mask his concern.
Even when fretful or impassioned Kanda always had an air of menace about him – tone rough though speaking kind words, hands hard though caressing with such care – he was a complete contradiction. Maybe that's why Allen had felt so drawn to Kanda that night two years ago – to that damaged looking man with the piercing glare of cobalt steel that flickered more with weariness than hostility. That night Allen, long lost to a despondent sort of stasis, had snuck from the Noah estate in search of solace. He didn't know what it was he was looking for, all he knew was if he didn't find it soon he wasn't going to last much longer.
"I don't mind being inconvenienced if it's you."
It wasn't that he had some sort of reckless desire for chaos or a devilish addiction to perilous excitement. Allen wasn't even remotely interested in causing trouble. What he desperately needed was life and Kanda was the very epitome of vitality. Barely illuminated by the waning moon in some dingy back alley Allen had found him in a completely disastrous state propped up against a stack of crates, two motionless bodies lying haphazardly a few feet away. Hair wild and unkempt, the long navy locks hanging about his shoulders like licks of ink, eyes as piercing as a viper, and dark smears of red across his fisted hands. When Allen's eyes returned to Kanda after taking in the whole scene, he noted the bitterly sardonic smirk twisting his beautiful features. Left for dead or arrested for the way things looked. Allen was sure something like that was what had been the thought running though Kanda's mind as he waited to see what Allen would do. Allen didn't know whether the two bodies were Kanda's handiwork, or what the circumstances surrounding the morbid tableau were, but of one thing he was sure, he couldn't tear his eyes away. Allen had known his fair share of dangerous people before he'd moved into the family estate. And there was always something mysteriously intriguing about the kind of people who aren't afraid to break guy's nose and smile while doing it. Something terrifyingly real.
"After all… you're the reason I'm still here."
Kanda snorted at the comment. Allen had said the same several times before, said that he was saved by Kanda. What he meant by that Kanda didn't know and the couple times he'd attempted to pursue the issue, Allen had merely donned a smile.
"Baka Moyashi, that's my line."
Clearing the distance with calm purposeful strides Allen bent with a smiling façade, startling Kanda stupid when he boldly grasped an arm, ducking underneath like a crutch to help him stand. The next time their eyes met, the hard edge to those cobalt eyes had melted away in a somewhat comical furrowed brow and wide eyed suspicion. He'd taken the disgruntled stranger home that day – to the unending dismay of his family.
xXx
"I know what you want to say, Kanda. And I- I know you don't want to, but it's hard for me just waiting to hear it. So please…"
Kanda stiffened, looking away. A mirror was lying atop the desk. A small unassuming pocket mirror, splayed open reflecting the darkened ceiling. He was never much one for sappy professions. As far as Kanda was concerned, if you had to say it with words to get your feelings across, you weren't doing something right. Words. Words were flowery and lofty and were poor substitutions for expression. But how to show it? How to get Allen to understand? He picked up the mirror, twirling it in his hands a moment eyes rising from the glass to meet Allen's momentarily. With false casualness, he held the mirror for Allen to take.
"Here, I want you to have this. It belongs to you."
Allen's brows knitted slightly in confusion, for he knew that mirror did not belong to him, but he reached out anyway. Eyes widening minutely as he glanced at its reflective surface. He and Kanda were standing so close together. For all its history, the circle of old glass was clear and brilliant. Allen's hands clasped around the rustic frame, hands a hairs' breadth away from Kanda's, staring into the joined reflection on its surface – a mirage that would quickly vanish, yet a meaning that would last a lifetime. This is what they couldn't understand. Allen needed Kanda just as he was.
"I'm going away for a while."
Allen's breath caught in his throat. Kanda had finally said it, and it surprised Allen just how much it pained him to hear.
"It might be too much to ask for but-"
"Anything."
"Baka Moyashi, you didn't even let me finish."
"You don't have to, I know you'll come back."
Kanda's gaze softened.
"I'll wait. I'll wait as long as it takes. As long as I live. And if a life after death exists, I'll continue to wait for you even then."
It was a wonder to Kanda that he'd ever hear such words directed at him. Even more so that such words could come from someone like Allen. There were still many things about his snowy haired lover that he didn't know, but of what he did know, Allen had been spurned more than once by people he'd placed his trust in. To say he'd wait forever- They were either pretty words from the world's best actor, or profoundly courageous words from the biggest idiot beansprout he'd ever met.
"I'll come for you," Kanda said a frown furrowing his brows and turning down his lips. "And it'll be in this life," he added in a whisper against Allen's lips a he leaned in to capture them in a feverish wanton kiss.
"I'll come for you," Kanda repeated, jaw tight with yearning and regret as Allen's eyes welled up with tears, hands locking around the back of his neck to keep him from pulling away. Again and again Kanda mumbled those four words like a mantra. Words giving way to grunts and groans against Allen's mewls and gasps as they were swept up in each other's arms. A heavy lovemaking. One through which the tears wouldn't stop.
Lying beside each other on the rumpled sheets, Allen's breath warmed against Kanda's neck as he nuzzled closer, and the silence that followed truly felt like goodbye.
xXx
Morning came with silent shuffles, Kanda's breathing husky with memories from their time together. Hands against the bed frame, he pushed himself to his feet, and then he turned to Allen, bending down, his face emerging from its own shadow into the day's light, pressing a reverent kiss on Allen's forehead. His lips were dry, and his warm breath smelled faintly of sake.
"Wait for me."
On that final word his voice died, the tension in his jaw written taught on his skin as he stepped away from the bed. A breath – even but sharp – before Kanda turned from the view of milky skin and snowy locks splayed on the warm amber sheets and strode quickly to the door. He lingered a moment longer than he intended in the doorframe as if fighting some barrier that prevented his advance. A moment and a moment longer than that as Kanda steeled himself and continued out without looking back.
Allen's eyes had remained firmly shut while Kanda was still in the room. His whole body had tensed when he'd felt Kanda's breath over his face, acutely aware of Kanda's presence, the form he could imagine leaning over him. Then he was gone. Out of the room, footsteps fading down the hallway, and the clack of the bathroom door shutting. Allen listened and listened, but for his own tears, which he could not stop, there was a terrible silence in the house that had once been a sanctuary for them both.
Leaning his head against the cool tile, Kanda closed his eyes and listened. Listened to Allen's muffled sobbing, and the creak of the floorboards as he had collected and pulled on his clothing. Listened to the bedroom door moan as it opened, and the slow footsteps that trudged down the hall and stalled somewhere not too far from the back door. He heard and he knew that those silver eyes he was so enamored with would have been looking towards the bathroom door – towards him. Then the bending of the porch wood and the faint thud of the door as it closed. Only then in the complete silence, did he emerge from the bathroom to gather his things.
Standing outside the empty home, he swore to return. He looked down the road to the polished estate that had taken his love from him, and promised once more, "I'll come for you."
xXx
"Aren't you lonely sometimes, Shounen?" Tyki asked as he lit up his cigarette.
Allen looked up. It was the end of winter, early dusk in the withered garden behind the Noah's main estate. The few solitary pines more brown than green in the failing light, the birds long since gone – not seeming to ever return to this place – only old feathers in their small wooden box-shaped houses. They had a dinner to go to soon, or perhaps it was just tea, he wasn't sure. Those things were trivial at best and he often found it difficult to remember despite the order becoming routine, and the routine becoming habit – he thought nothing of it as he passed his days as if sleepwalking – just waiting for someone to usher him along. Allen could see them now, hovering at the edge of the garden, but not daring to interrupt when a member of the house was present.
"Lonely?" Allen hummed thoughtfully musing on the word as they strolled the length of the garden in silence, the soft decaying ground yielding beneath their feet.
It had been quite some time since Allen had seen Tyki, the man's business keeping him away for the most part, it had only been by chance that he happened to run into him between having just come home and getting ready to run off again.
"You know," Allen said quietly picking up a small pinecone, studying it with detached interest. "I used to imagine returning home. But with Kanda gone I can't bring myself to go back. I don't think I could stand it if I had to be in that place without him."
Tyki nodded but did not reply, their idle stroll coming to a stop as though by mutual consent when they reached the far wall.
"He would never abandon me though," Allen said voice coming out more hopeful than sure, his eyes betraying his uncertainty. "He's not dead, he's not gone forever… I just have to wait patiently and one day I'll be able to say this ache in my heart no longer festers there. Just until he comes back and I can satiate the throbbing in my blood with more than just wrinkled pictures at the bottom of my drawer."
Tyki's lips drew into a tight line, he'd been among those in the family who hadn't been thrilled with Allen's relationship – not because the man was a working class fellow, Tyki wasn't so concerned with those things and even had his own group of friends the Earl had never approved off. No, thinking about it he could safely say that it probably didn't matter what person Allen had decided to devote himself to, no one was a good enough partner to Tyki. Even so, he'd searched for Kanda, wanting if only to be able to mention to Allen that his wayward love was indeed alright, but he'd been able to find neither hide nor hair of him anywhere in his travels. He truly could not surmise what had become of him, and he severely doubted that he would ever come back.
"You shouldn't have to be alone. You shouldn't have to suffer by yourself until he returns."
"I will not share myself with anyone."
Allen dropped the pinecone then, hands moving to the silver cord strung about his neck in place of the ribbon he used to wear, fingers feathering lightly across it as if it was the man it had belonged to.
"I belong to Kanda, just as surely as he belongs to me. Distance does not change that."
"Not even a friend?" Tyki asked. "Couldn't you use someone to talk to at the very least?"
"I have you."
"I'm not always here."
"Rhode too lives here," Allen said, gaze upturned to the sky. "Jasdero and Debitto also visit frequently. I have no need of anyone else to speak to."
"I thought you were less than pleased by Rhode fawning over you and the twins trying to prank you with their foolish games."
"It's not perfect, but it's enough," Allen said returning his gaze to Tyki. "And it's only temporary."
Tyki smiled. A mixture of pity and awe. To trust in someone so completely truly was befitting Allen's strength of will.
"Of course."
xXx
He wasn't strong. Far from it. Allen was completely and utterly terrified that Kanda would not return. Not by choice of course, Allen had every faith that so long as he were able – and perhaps to a degree even if he weren't – that Kanda would come for him. But he wasn't naïve enough to think that true love could conquer all or any of that bullshit that the romantic comic plays he'd seen would have you believe. No, he'd lost enough people to know that things didn't always work out and he'd honestly rather be more proactive and get out there looking for himself, but Kanda had asked him to wait for him, and Allen had promised forever. It would be both a betrayal of his own feelings and an affront to the proud man if Allen thought his words insincere.
Could he really trust Kanda? Would he really come back? What if he finds someone else? Questions he'd heard a million times from Rhode since Kanda had left never failed to linger in the back of his mind despite brushing them off indifferently. The unfortunate irony of life though was that the only way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust that someone. He had decided to place his trust in Kanda and only time and the man in question could tell if his faith would be rewarded.
To be continued~
A/N: Holy crap I hate myself so much right now. I was all excited about Yullentide and thought I'm going to write all these prompts! But I've been so busy and I'm honestly so frustrated and exhausted I need to go sleep for a couple hours ;w; So I'm doing the first two prompts as a two chaptered fic (or at least that's what I've grudgingly decided). It's late but this is for the Dec 18/19 prompt: trust.
I haven't even read or edited it so it's quite possible it makes no sense and is redundant and I really wanted to write that painful goodbye sex better than that scathingly simple paragraph ORZ There is a very high chance I'll rewrite this… preferably when I'm more coherent.
Ugh but I'm rambling so I'm going to just leave this here go get some sleep, try to survive the rest of the day with my relatives and then finish this up with the 20/21 prompt: liberate!
As always thanks for reading, all comments are welcomed and appreciated :)